Despair / Death

Unknown

I am slowly dying from metastatic BC. First dx in 10/03, it is now in my liver and spreading. I'm on chemo, but it doesn't seem to be working. I am so terrified. I'm 41 and I have a 9 yr old daughter. I want to put my affairs in order, but it is so hard. Has anyone out there done this? Any good books to recommend? What are the things I should be thinking about? I'm unraveling; I can't think straight. I see so many happy, healthy people around me, and my pain increases. I think... how lucky they are not be dealing with cancer. I am in pain, which I'm trying to control with oxycodone [under oncologist's supervision]. Please help. I would appreciate any thoughts and encouragement. I am so frightened...

Jaded

ireneingeorgia

I'm so sorry to hear of your plight. My suggestion to insure your daughter's future would be to sit down with an attorney and draw up who will be her leagal guardians and Trustees. In the meantime I will pray for you and hope that God will intervene.
Love
Ireneincordova

KathiM

I agree with Irene....to many, it seemed morbid when I put my affairs in order before my bowel surgery. But it made me feel sooo much better to realize that things would be taken care of...
I have 2 special needs daughters. I also planned my funeral/memorial....I was VERY precise in the document, even down to no crying allowed!!! Only laughter and fond remembering...
We all face our own mortality, and the beast is VERY good at reminding us of it. My buds on the colorectal cancer board said it well...sometimes we just take the treatments hoping to live long enough until they find something better that can treat us...new things are coming every day.
The happy, healthy people around you are mostly an illusion...you are seeing their 'best face'...NEVER foget that! And, you are their inspiration...you are strongly fighting a fight they hope to avoid. I read the Chicken Soup for the Survivor's Soul, and the special one for breast cancer....both made me laugh, and cry, and realize that I am not alone..PLEASE share your feelings with your onc...he/she may have someone you can get support from....mine gave me a 18 year ovarian cancer survivor...such an inspiration....
Please know you are loved and hugged...
Kathi

lovonna

I'm so sorry to hear that your chemo isn't working. I will say a prayer for you also.

May God comfort you at this time.

Love, LoVonna

Susan956

Can't give you advice... But justed wanted to add my prayers for you. You have an extremely tough journey.

God Bless.

Susan

Future

Only suggestions I have is what I did when I was first diagnosed. I started a journal and wrote letters to each of my children - telling them how proud I was of things they had done (from learning to Kayak to a time when I saw them doing something nice for someone else) and notes for those special times when I might not be there (marriage, children, etc). I also used the journal to identify those special items that I wanted a specific person to have and the note I wanted to go with it. I wanted friends to look at those items and think of the good times we had. Also identified what type of memorial service I wanted - I wanted people to celebrate that I was with the Lord.
You don't say if you're a single mom or not. Either way, do you have a friend you trust who can do some of the leg work for you with financial affairs?
Remember you are not alone, we are here. Use us as a safe place to share your feelings. I talked to a Chaplain and it was the best thing because he helped me realize that all my thoughts/feelings were "normal" and you have a right to have some of these feelings.

God Bless
Mary

rabbit1963

I don't know you but I wish I could be there just to stand at your side and be with you. I am 42 yrs old and my youngest child is 10 yrs old. I know this may sound corny but "have faith, everything will work out. Maybe just not the way we want it to. Please don't look at the "glass as half empty", see it as "half full". Don't focus on the bad that might happen, focus on all the good that can. My favorite book of all time is Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach. It's a small book and won't take long to read. Please feel free to contact me even if it is only to vent your feelings, I'll be here to listen.

SweetSue

I am very sorry to hear about your condition. I was diagnosed with bc Feb., 2003, and my mom died of bc when I was 13. I know u are most worried about your daughter, but from experience I can tell you I grew up with many surrogate mothers. Of course, I missed my mom, but I believe she has been with me spiritually, and I grew up to be blessed with a wonderful family and a wonderful daughter. God gave me a chance to have another mother-daughter relationship to almost make up for the shortness of the other.
Hopefully, you raised your daughter to believe she will see ALL loved ones who have died again.
Maybe I am nuts, but I think we will even see our beloved pets again ;-).
Hugs and Prayers,
Sue

LesleyH

Dear Jaded,

My heart goes out to you. My deepest fear is leaving my daughter without a mother. My mother died of bc when I was 18 and I still miss her. Does your daughter have a grandmother or someone you trust to be a surrogate mother? If I can help in any way, please write to me. I know you don't know me, but I can tell you all about who I am. I will be here for your daughter if you want me to do that. She can write to me, I will remember her birthday and Christmas for you. Please let me know what I can do.

Please spend each day making memories for her to hold onto for the rest of her life.

Hugs.

Lesley

pansylover

Dear Jaded, You are in my daily prayers.
This a great group to be consoled,vent and hugs given. Things work out according to HIs plan. Peace be amoung you and your family.

kmmoore

I'm so sorry about your situation. My heart goes out to you. Do you have a good friend or relative that could help you? Do any of your friends or relatives have a lawyer they could recommend? Do you have a will AND a living will? You will need to choose a guardian for your daughter. I was diagnosed in June of 2005 at age 44 with stage IIIc. Unfortunately, my cancer recurred after a 5 month remission. I have four children and have often thought of what I will do when the time comes to get my affairs in order. I have already spoken to a few of my close friends who said they would be more than happy to help my husband and our children. I am going to write each of my children letters to be read when I have passed and on special occassions, the day they marry, have children, etc. If you don't feel well enough to write, maybe you could dictate the letters to a friend. Since having my recurrence, I have been more worried than ever. It has helped me to discuss my fears with my gyn/onc, a minister and a therapist. Please feel free to write me anytime if I can answer any questions or help you in any other way. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless. Hugs Kim

dbqueen

Sucks, doesn't it? I have three kids that I am afraid I may have to leave. I did do a simple will, power of attorney and medical power of attorney. Make an appointment and get someone to drive you. Other than that, it ain't over until the fat lady sings! There are cases of spontaneous remission. It COULD have to you. Or me. Read a good book called "Nothing to Fear" by Larry Burkett. He was diagnosed in 1995 with metastatic kidney cancer. Only 10% survive this. He is still around, still has cancer, but has found ways to deal with it. Also, since you feel like you are unraveling, have you asked for any better drugs?! I have an anti-axiety pill that really helps a lot when I get that overwhelming sense of despair and fear and sadness. I know how you feel. Anything can set me off. A picture of my youngest. Seeing someone with a grandchild. Someone healthy smoking a cigarette. It's so hard. But you're still here. And not alone.