Thank you

debcanmcg
debcanmcg Member Posts: 32
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
Thanks to everyone. No one except someone who has gone thru this as a caregiver can understand the pain. My husband and I never talked about him dieing because we did not want to make it a reality. My husband was a singer,muscian, had a wonderful voice and could have gone far in the business , but we fell in love , got married had 3 kids and he sang at local clubs and casinos, weddings etc. I ack all over, I hate going home, I hate my life with out him. We had a daughter that was killed at the age of 15, one week before her 16th birthday, my husband keep me alive through that, now ,how will I survive this. I don't sleep because I relive that last terrible night/morning when he died. I feel guilty because he would not sign a DNR and left it up to me to say when was enough, maybe if I had let them do everything to keep him alive a few more hours I could have held him longer told him to fight just a little harder maybe.Maybe not! I know people go on I did when my daughter died but this is somehow different. We were together 30+ years never apart never. Someone asked him what does Candice do when you go into the hospital for treatments he replied she goes in to and stays. We go in together and leave together. Now I have the task of selling off his music equipment to help pay for the funeral and head stone. Last week I had to lay down the grass on both his and our daughters grave. There is not enough room at the family cemetey for my grave because I wanted him to be beside our daughter, never thought we needed other arrangements when I placed her next to her greatgrand parents, so I told my middle daughter that when I die to cremate me and put me in a jar and bury me between the two, she said now mother, I told her that she had do obey my wishes and that I would put it in writting. I'm just talking and talking. Thanks for letting me! Candice

Comments

  • chynabear
    chynabear Member Posts: 481 Member
    #2
    Oh Candice, what a huge burden you have had to carry. I am a strong believer in learning a lesson from each of my (an my families) hardships. The lesson I have learned from having cancer is that I do not have to carry the burden of the world alone. Neither should you.

    I am so terribly sorry that you have had to find the courage to wake up each morning; not only after the death of your young daughter but now your spouse.

    It is unfair that you had to make the DNR decision for someone else. I applaud you for making a tough decision. You can't continue feeling guilty for making that decision. Sometimes I think that we are more humane to our pets than to our family members. When a pet is seriously ill and there is no hope, we put them to sleep. Yet we continue to second guess our decisions when we decide that it is time for a DNR for a family member. Yes, you could always ask, "what if I could have just kept him hanging on for a short while longer?" You also need to ask yourself, "what if I kept him hanging on and he was in pain and discomfort?" Based upon how much love you have expressed in one long paragraph I am sure you were acting on instinct.

    I pray that you find peace with your husbands passing. Maybe we can help you find the strength to go on.

    Patricia
  • mindy10
    mindy10 Member Posts: 182 Member
    #3
    chynabear said:

    Oh Candice, what a huge burden you have had to carry. I am a strong believer in learning a lesson from each of my (an my families) hardships. The lesson I have learned from having cancer is that I do not have to carry the burden of the world alone. Neither should you.

    I am so terribly sorry that you have had to find the courage to wake up each morning; not only after the death of your young daughter but now your spouse.

    It is unfair that you had to make the DNR decision for someone else. I applaud you for making a tough decision. You can't continue feeling guilty for making that decision. Sometimes I think that we are more humane to our pets than to our family members. When a pet is seriously ill and there is no hope, we put them to sleep. Yet we continue to second guess our decisions when we decide that it is time for a DNR for a family member. Yes, you could always ask, "what if I could have just kept him hanging on for a short while longer?" You also need to ask yourself, "what if I kept him hanging on and he was in pain and discomfort?" Based upon how much love you have expressed in one long paragraph I am sure you were acting on instinct.

    I pray that you find peace with your husbands passing. Maybe we can help you find the strength to go on.

    Patricia

    Hi Canice, Im so sorry for the pain your going through. I know how hard it is to watch a love one suffer. You did the right thing by letting him go. You did not want him to suffer anymore. I hope you are getting counceling. Im sure that will help you alot. You still have other children that need you so much. They are grieving to. They love you very much and want you to be happy again some day. If you every want to email please do so. Mindy
  • spongebob
    spongebob Member Posts: 2,565 Member
    #4
    Candice -

    The pain and sorrow you are feeling is evident in your postings, and that is a good thing. A good thing in that you are venting these emotions, you are talking about what happened, and you are sharing your feelings with friends. That is a very important part of the healing process. What you are feeling - the sadness, the hopelessness, and the regret over your decision regarding the DNR - are very normal. You are doing well. Keep coming back; take things one day at a time; make decisions one at a time; tackle projects the same way. Take good care of yourself - eat and sleep. We're good therapy here, but don't dismiss the possibility of seeing a grief counselor if you think you need to. In the mean time, your friends are here (and we're cheap!)

    One foot in front of the other...

    - Sponge
  • kangatoo
    kangatoo Member Posts: 2,105 Member
    #5
    spongebob said:

    Candice -

    The pain and sorrow you are feeling is evident in your postings, and that is a good thing. A good thing in that you are venting these emotions, you are talking about what happened, and you are sharing your feelings with friends. That is a very important part of the healing process. What you are feeling - the sadness, the hopelessness, and the regret over your decision regarding the DNR - are very normal. You are doing well. Keep coming back; take things one day at a time; make decisions one at a time; tackle projects the same way. Take good care of yourself - eat and sleep. We're good therapy here, but don't dismiss the possibility of seeing a grief counselor if you think you need to. In the mean time, your friends are here (and we're cheap!)

    One foot in front of the other...

    - Sponge

    Hi Candice. You will note from my recent 2 posts topics that I have been very worried that my lovely wife, Jen, was in the process of having tests for bowel problems. While she was in hospital she said to me to not wait with her...but I wanted to stay with her the whole time. Why?....because for the past 2 years she waited with me during all my tests, surgery, chemo...then more tests. Hours of waiting in hospital. She did it because she loves me...I waited with her because I love her. You spent precious time together because you loved each other...such a wonderfull thing.
    Now you need to know that is the reason we all come to support each other here...be it survivors, spouses, carers or friends. We are so sad for your loss and never think you are alone. The love we have here may not be the same as we have with our spouses...but it is special and Bob said...it is free(and may I add...it is sincere)
    You are an incredibly brave lady Candice.To lose a child and your hubby is so unfair. If I was put to the test and lost Jen I cannot imagine how I would react.(we have been married 31 wonderfull years)
    Your friends in oz...huggs...Ross n Jen
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #6
    Candice,
    I remember losing my dad...I can only send you warm hugs, and a shoulder to cry on...
    Hugs, Kathi
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #7
    spongebob said:

    Candice -

    The pain and sorrow you are feeling is evident in your postings, and that is a good thing. A good thing in that you are venting these emotions, you are talking about what happened, and you are sharing your feelings with friends. That is a very important part of the healing process. What you are feeling - the sadness, the hopelessness, and the regret over your decision regarding the DNR - are very normal. You are doing well. Keep coming back; take things one day at a time; make decisions one at a time; tackle projects the same way. Take good care of yourself - eat and sleep. We're good therapy here, but don't dismiss the possibility of seeing a grief counselor if you think you need to. In the mean time, your friends are here (and we're cheap!)

    One foot in front of the other...

    - Sponge

    CHEAP?????? Speak for YOURSELF, SB!!!!!
    (A picture of a bald woman, leaning against a wall, much too much makeup on.....sigh...)
    Yup, last time I looked, we are all pretty free with hugs, advice, love, prayers, WOW!
    That leaking around my eyes is happening again....
    Hugs, Kathi
  • pink05
    pink05 Member Posts: 550
    #8
    Candice,

    Well, I don't know how much one person can endure, but sounds like you are a very strong person. Please don't second guess yourself about the decisions you have made. That is the worst thing you can do to yourself. Believe me, I have second guessed myself many times and it is the worst feeling to shake. Please know you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you, Candice.

    -Lee-

Discussion Boards