Every have those days~

Doreen65 Member Posts: 52
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
Hi everyone, I am just having one of those not sure how to think days. I honestly think my husband is tired of hearing it. I shouldn't say that but there are days I just don't say things to him anymore. Up until now I have been living life almost like my life before cancer. I've had clean scans since liver resection in Jan. 05, blood tests have been normal. I really have no reason to have a panic attack until this past weekend my dear sweet online friend passed away from CC. Losing her hurts so bad. It has made me not know how to think again if you understand what I mean.
Do you ever have those days when you just don't know how to think? Do you ever miss your old life? Somedays I am so exhausted making sure I do and take just about every antioxidant I can and it disturbs me that others can totally walk around and abuse thier bodies.
Today and yesterday I have just been back in that mode of how much longer do I have? Am I going to beat this? When is it going to come back? Will it ever come back? Can I be one of the survivors and if I can why me? Please forgive me if none of this makes sense and I'm would never try to hurt anyone on here by the things I say. I just know someone on here will understand where I am coming from. I realize I should be on top of the world with my clean blood tests and scans but there are days I am still so scared inside. I just need to vent these things and hope someone understands. Sorry guys my brain is just exhausted from holding all that in. D ~


  • foxy
    foxy Member Posts: 188 Member
    Hi Doreen, no you are not alone I completely understand how you feel. I am so sorry your friend lost her battle with this disease. It is a very natural thing for an episode like this to bring all your own worries back out in the open, as you go through the grieving process. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Virginia.
  • nanuk
    nanuk Member Posts: 1,358 Member
    foxy said:

    Hi Doreen, no you are not alone I completely understand how you feel. I am so sorry your friend lost her battle with this disease. It is a very natural thing for an episode like this to bring all your own worries back out in the open, as you go through the grieving process. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Virginia.

    Doreen: You can't deal with it that way; just take one day at a time, and get up in the morning and go immediately to the bathroom mirror and blow on it..if you make steam, say thank you for another day, and continue on. Bud
  • CAMaura
    CAMaura Member Posts: 719 Member
    Hi Doreen - I agree with Virginia that your feelings are natural - maybe part of the new ebb and flow of life for us. I think we are fooling ourselves if we never wonder about things - regardless of our positive attitudes and emotional strength. Aches and pains create worry for me and my mind can wonder if the chemo really 'got' to rogue cells, or wonder if my nutrition is good enough; losing loved ones bring the reality of cancer even closer. I am sure though, that you are doing your best to live a really good life and to love well.....and that is important. If it is at all possible, try not to let the fact that others abuse their bodies disturb you to much. Everyone is on a different path and chooses the way in which they live. I have certainly had to undertake that perspective....and most of the time it works. But I still have anxiety - more about explaining the aches and pains which I can blow up into cancer in about five minutes flat! I am so sorry that you lost your friend; you were, I am sure, a create comfort to her. Take care and know that everyone has these thoughts from time to time - or at least I think most will admit to them. All the best to you and I hope you and your husband are able to enjoy some quiet time; allow yourself to grieve your friend's loss and to be comforted by your husband when you need a little more TLC. All the best to you - Maura
  • Betsydoglover
    Betsydoglover Member Posts: 1,248 Member
    Oh, Doreen. I KNOW just how you feel. I have had 3 NED PET/CT's since late August '05. I stopped chemo in November '05. Objectively I feel good and have so much to feel happy about. Many days I do feel good mentally. And then there are others when I just can't understand why I am not happier than I am. Somehow, relief at a clean scan is great but it doesn't elevate you to the Land of No Worries! And, I know that, much as I love my husband, I don't always say some things to him anymore. He doesn't want to discuss my / our fears and thinks that with 3 clean scans spanning 6 months, I should mostly stop actively worrying too much about this beast. Stage IV CRC? Stop worrying? Not really possible.

    So, I hear you. We are doing so well and as things go probably have a good prognosis. But, as you say "why us" and also we know that no matter how well we are doing, we are at much higher risk for cancer in the future than the average Joe we encounter during the day. So, fear and worrying is natural. I try to take it one day at a time - mostly that works and mostly I am upbeat. But sometimes it is impossible not to get in a bit of a funk over this. And, frankly, much as I love my husband, his not wanting to let me whine about the negative is not really a help.

    Cyber hugs to you.

  • lfondots63
    lfondots63 Member Posts: 818 Member
    Hi Doreen,

    I just want to say that we all have those days. I was just dx but some days it is hard to keep up the fight. I have people asking why the health food and I know trying to explain it to them will be difficult. I am just like you. Every day I watch what I eat and I am obsessed at times about it.

    I am so sorry to hear about someone loosing the fight. Hugs to you and your family. Believe me we all understand what you are going through.

  • dash4
    dash4 Member Posts: 303 Member
    Hi, I am a caregiver, so I would never say I could even begin to understand how hard it must be to deal with the "world" you have been thrown into, I think you should not be down on yourself for "having one of those days" - I think you should be soooooo proud of yourself for all those times you are upbeat and doing everything in your power to win your battle with cancer. All of you amaze me and I think your caregivers should be okay listening to you anytime you feel the need to talk - it is the least we can do. All of you humble me with your strength.
  • PhillieG
    PhillieG Member Posts: 4,866 Member
    I miss my old life and don't care for my new normal at all. I can totally relate to how you feel. I have had some good news, yet I feel bummed out a lot. It's a rollercoaster to say the least. You do seem like you're doing great. Try to keep positve, even though it's hard to do, but try to get back to that place.
  • Moesimo
    Moesimo Member Posts: 1,072 Member
    I think we all have those days. The fear of the cancer coming back or getting sick again is soooooo high on my list. I am sure that my husband must be sick of hearing me fret over the cancer coming back, I agree with your post. I live an almost normal life, but I realize my life will never be normal again. I now have a new normal.

  • terril
    terril Member Posts: 296
    Hi everyone!
    Yes, I have had days like this...matter of fact, I have had many. I have thought about my old life before cancer. Sometimes I just want to cry my eyes out, yet my desire to live is so strong. When I saw friends at the cancer center die, it really hit me hard. I am so sorry for you loss.
    My life was returning to "normal" when my cancer came back. I just keep praying and keeping positive that I will beat this. To be honest when I ended chemo the first time, I just assumed I was clear. I had a good prognosis. Then...BOOM! It's back. Here we go again!! Is this the beginning of the end?
    I think all of us here feel and think so much alike. What you are saying does make sense. It is fear...of disease and death. Confusion. The way I sometimes felt with my CTs and blood work was when things came back ok, it was a relief because I dodged another bullet. Just to let you know...what you are feeling is very normal...so many of us would agree!! By the way, I like what you said about how some people who abuse their bodies are just walking around. Like my brother says.."Think of all the people walking around that have no idea they have cancer." Hang in there, D. My prayers and thoughts for you and your dear friend. Terri
  • oneagleswings
    oneagleswings Member Posts: 425 Member
    Hi Doreen:
    Ditto to what Dash says in that I too am a "caregiver" and can't begin to comprehend what living with cancer feels like...but I can try to understand what you are feeling, wondering if you have beat it or will it come back...you know- the old adage of 'the devil you know is better than the one you don't know" I think applies to all survivors on this board- for my husband- he knows what he is up against- but for all of you who are NED- I am sure it is like walking across very thin ice with fear clutching at your heart many a night?
    No words I am sure can make it better for you and I'm certain you are very vulnerable with your friend passing from cc (were they a part of this board?)...but know that others here share your fears and pain- and it is very helpful to come to this board and explain feelings that perhaps those who are close to us would rather not deal with.
    Taks care and take time to smile.