Well meaning friends and family

nofarm

Just for tonight, I'm going to be an ungreatful sister. Everytime my brother calls to see how my husband, 49, with side effects from colon cancer, chemo side effects and surgery screw-ups, (36 day hospital stay because of a leak and now scar tissue) is doing, he gives us a "positive attitude" speech if we tell him anything other than "it going great!"

Tonight I had to hear how greatful we should be that routine blood tests came back OK, especially when I expressed how those tests had little to do with the current neuropathy in my husband's feet and how discouraged he was.

I get "the lecture" any time I talk about the "real world" of cancer, the bills, our farm problems with the primary breadwinner sick, or anything else that is actually happening.

Don't people realize that there are times when we (caregivers and patients a like) don't want to hear how "thankful" we should be? Of course I'm glad my husband is still alive...dah! Of Course there are people who are worse off!...but not my brother at this point in time. I often tell him that pointing out to the man who just lost both arms that he is luckier than the man who lost both arms and a leg, doesn't do much to help the first poor guy.

My husband is angry at God right now, doing the best he can to cope with losing his past life style and scared to death. We know all about a "postive attitude" and try the best we can to keep one, but people who aren't living a major disease haven't a clue!

Does anyone else feel this way? What can I say to my brother to get the point across that we are not actors in a TV movie....positve attitude or not, things aren't going so good right now and I really don't want to hear about how fortunate I am. I realize that my brother is just trying to be nice and I'm glad he cares, but HE needs to get real sometimes. I know if the tables were turned, he would be the most depressed person in the world and the "positive attitude" speech would just make him mad...just like it does me.

Thanks for listening!

schaef

nofarm

First of all, it sucks that your husband has colon cancer. I guess I wasn't in your situation, but in a way, I have a similar experience. My name is Pam, I live in Edwardsville, Illinois - right outside of St. Louis. I lost my mom to uterine cancer on February 15, 2004, a day after her 72nd birthday. It was the worst day of my life.

The weird thing is that no one in her family, not her brothers or sister, ever really called to see how she was doing. NOT EVER. So here she is going through chemo and all the crappy things one goes through and NOT ONCE did any of here family ever call to see how she was doing.

I'm not trying to defend your brother. But maybe he just doesn't know what to do and how to comfort you. Cancer is a horrible, frightening, **** disease. Not all of us handle it the same way. I am still angry with my mom's brother and sister, especially her brother. But they were not really a very close family to begin with, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

Have you told your brother how you feel? Maybe he doesn't know how to talk to you right now. I am an only child. My dad died in 1999. When my mom died, it was just me, my husband and my two children. I was in Florida alone for about 8 weeks while my mom was dying. My kids had to be in school. Sometimes I really wished I had a sibling to share all the grief, all the things that had to be done!

I will say a prayer for your husband tonight. I don't know his name, but I will say "no farm's husband". Faith is a very odd thing, isn't it? I remember when they came to get me to tell me mom had died (the hospice nurse told me I should take a walk in the gardens - I think she knew mom wanted me to leave, to die)..I returned to her and when I saw her... I knew that wasn't her any more. She was with God. I walked out in the gardens and bunches of butterflies came all around me! WOW!!!! It was intense.

My husband doesn't like me talking about God to people who are sick. He thinks that is for when people die. But it isn't. My mom had faith that she was going to live for TWO YEARS!!! The doctors thought it was amazing.

Anyway, nofarm. I do understand that you are angry and that you feel that your brother is saying the wrong thing. But maybe he is hurting for you and just doesn't know how to show you how much he is hurting for you. Talk to him and tell him just what you wrote. You need him.

Please let me know what happens. 49 is so young, especially since I'm 41. Does he know how he got it? Well, I guess that's a stupid question. Did he have any symptoms? Previous history? I know colon cancer is very curable if caught early enough. I just participated in the Relay for Life here and there were several colon cancer survivors. Don't give up. Take care of yourself. Do you have any children?

Take Care!

Pam

lombards

don't beat yourself up by feeling that you are ungrateful..in truth you are tired and afraid and given what you are dealing with that is normal. i have found in the 31 yrs that my husband has dealt with HD and the after effects physically, mentally and finacially that there are very few people that one can share things with so i am guarded in what i say. family and friends ask how he is and when he tells them (and he is not a complainer) they ignore him and start telling him their ailments. so many times i felt like screaming at them "do you know what this man has gone through" but the truth is they do not nor do they really want to understand. i have learned that our reality is different and the best thing one can do is share with those who have had similar experiences. people should learn that there is a time that no words can help far more than these platitudes they offer but that however is a learned thing and sadly one learns it by hard lessons.
don't worry God can stand our anger even when it is directed at him. these are all stages that heartaches bring us through.
i believe that what you are feeling is real and it is justified, you do not need to be told to count your blessings. what you need is to cry, to vent, to be allowed to feel all that you are going through without guilt. for in doing that you will find the strength to keep going even though it seems impossible. i pray that you will find that courage soon and please feel this hug from the wife of a survivor.
salt

mommysescape

I know what you mean. My husband was diagnosed with colon cancer a little over a month ago. He is 35 years old. everyone has an opinion. We should be greatful, but let's see how grateful they are when they are going through the same situation.

nofarm

Are you all still there?
Was doing a google search and came up with my post from 2005. Are any of those who responded still on this site? My husband died July 28, 2007 and if I was angry in 2005, I'm even more so now.

slickwilly

nofarm said:

Are you all still there?
Was doing a google search and came up with my post from 2005. Are any of those who responded still on this site? My husband died July 28, 2007 and if I was angry in 2005, I'm even more so now.

nofarm
I have been around for about a year so I didn't know about your previous posts. I would imagine that your husbands brother finally learned that things were quite bad and his words were not going to change much. I am so sorry that your husband passed. I realize that anything I say is not going to change the pain in your life. I can't imagine all the changes that have taken place in your life over the last four years. I can only hope that some family members or friends stepped up and helped you out during your long struggle. Slickwilly

soccerfreaks

nofarm said:

Are you all still there?
Was doing a google search and came up with my post from 2005. Are any of those who responded still on this site? My husband died July 28, 2007 and if I was angry in 2005, I'm even more so now.

anger
nofarm, I have been active on this site since 2006, and while the name of one of the people who responded to your post rings a long distant bell, the others I cannot recall at all. You might want to look at their individual member pages for any updated information about them.

In the meantime, you are indicating that you are angrier now even than you were almost two years ago. TWO YEARS! That is a long time to harbor anger, nofarm, and must be wreaking havoc on your life! Please consider therapy or, if you are of a certain religious persuasion, counseling from a clergyman (or woman), rabbi, whichever, SOMEONE to help you release this anger.

This anger is baggage leftover from the cancer days. It is understandable, for sure, but please think of it as something the cancer continues to do TO you, something it is not entitled to do. Free yourself of the anger, in your own best interest, and move on.

Best wishes.

Take care,

Joe

longingforhope

There are alot of us that are just plain mad at family
Nofarm, you hit the nail on the head with your original post, my girls said if one more of my brother and 2 sisters, grandparents, cousins etc give them the positivity speech they are going to scream. We have gotten to the point we only text because we won't answer the phone to another bs positivity speech.

When they have spent 4 hrs getting an interferon treatment for stage 3 malignant melanoma that is matastisizing and had to spend 4 hours driving home in an ice storm when it should only take an hour then we will talk. Then you have to get up the next day and go again and in the meantime your husband has nausea, chills, fever, pain and who knows what else that he can't even tell you he's feeling. When they experience that for 5 weeks and then 11 months of giving their spouse a shot 3 times a week then and only then will we discuss being positive.

Cancer is the most invasive, unknown nightmare way to die and is beyond terrifying for the patient and caregiver. And the Oncologists, Radiologists and every other "gist" still don't know why it comes and why it truly goes away for the lucky ones.

But how about those of us that are the caretakers and we are exhausted and scared and overwhelmed because however this turns out there are kids to raise and tons of bills to be paid. How in the heck are we supposed to be positive. How did you survive it because I don't know some days if I can.

I'm sure your husband made peace with God in the end and you will too. I'm glad I found your post because the positivity thing has been driving me nuts.

LH

gthufford

longingforhope said:

There are alot of us that are just plain mad at family
Nofarm, you hit the nail on the head with your original post, my girls said if one more of my brother and 2 sisters, grandparents, cousins etc give them the positivity speech they are going to scream. We have gotten to the point we only text because we won't answer the phone to another bs positivity speech.

When they have spent 4 hrs getting an interferon treatment for stage 3 malignant melanoma that is matastisizing and had to spend 4 hours driving home in an ice storm when it should only take an hour then we will talk. Then you have to get up the next day and go again and in the meantime your husband has nausea, chills, fever, pain and who knows what else that he can't even tell you he's feeling. When they experience that for 5 weeks and then 11 months of giving their spouse a shot 3 times a week then and only then will we discuss being positive.

Cancer is the most invasive, unknown nightmare way to die and is beyond terrifying for the patient and caregiver. And the Oncologists, Radiologists and every other "gist" still don't know why it comes and why it truly goes away for the lucky ones.

But how about those of us that are the caretakers and we are exhausted and scared and overwhelmed because however this turns out there are kids to raise and tons of bills to be paid. How in the heck are we supposed to be positive. How did you survive it because I don't know some days if I can.

I'm sure your husband made peace with God in the end and you will too. I'm glad I found your post because the positivity thing has been driving me nuts.

LH

longingforhope
Longingforhope,

I love and appreciate your honesty, and so I will give you some honesty from another perspective.

I am the caregiver for my wife (39 years old) who will be finishing up chemotherapy for stage 3 kidney cancer that has not metastasized. Our prognosis is very good, and I know that this separates us from a lot of people who post on this site.

However, my wife is convinced that the only reason the cancer has not shown up elsewhere is because of the chemotherapy, and she is scared to death that when we are done with the chemo, it will show up somewhere that will be fatal. Her family history is very bad in this regard, and she believe deep down inside that she will be leaving me and our two children (9 and 10 yrs old) early.

I don't claim to understand what my wife is going through - but I will tell you that I will not personally live this way. I will only live as though I will be with my wife until the day that I die - which will be at a ripe old age. If we do get the "bad news" again someday, we will deal with it, but I won't live my life that way right now.

I also get sick of all of the positive BS talk that we get from well intentioned friends and family who have not lived through this, and I don't hesitate to tell others that they don't understand. I also understand that I don't know what it is like to care for a terminal loved one. However, I think that there are probably a lot of caregivers like me who won't give into the negative side - at least not yet. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, or at least I believe that there is.

Please do not take this as a criticism of your view point or what you are going through - I respect and appreciate your view point more than you may know. But I think that there are some of us out there who choose to see things from a more positive stand point, and I felt the need to post my thoughts.

God bless you, and I pray for peace for you and your family.

green50

gthufford said:

longingforhope
Longingforhope,

I love and appreciate your honesty, and so I will give you some honesty from another perspective.

I am the caregiver for my wife (39 years old) who will be finishing up chemotherapy for stage 3 kidney cancer that has not metastasized. Our prognosis is very good, and I know that this separates us from a lot of people who post on this site.

However, my wife is convinced that the only reason the cancer has not shown up elsewhere is because of the chemotherapy, and she is scared to death that when we are done with the chemo, it will show up somewhere that will be fatal. Her family history is very bad in this regard, and she believe deep down inside that she will be leaving me and our two children (9 and 10 yrs old) early.

I don't claim to understand what my wife is going through - but I will tell you that I will not personally live this way. I will only live as though I will be with my wife until the day that I die - which will be at a ripe old age. If we do get the "bad news" again someday, we will deal with it, but I won't live my life that way right now.

I also get sick of all of the positive BS talk that we get from well intentioned friends and family who have not lived through this, and I don't hesitate to tell others that they don't understand. I also understand that I don't know what it is like to care for a terminal loved one. However, I think that there are probably a lot of caregivers like me who won't give into the negative side - at least not yet. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, or at least I believe that there is.

Please do not take this as a criticism of your view point or what you are going through - I respect and appreciate your view point more than you may know. But I think that there are some of us out there who choose to see things from a more positive stand point, and I felt the need to post my thoughts.

God bless you, and I pray for peace for you and your family.

Dont let cancer rule
Everyone handles things differently. I am both a cancer patient and was a care taker of my husband. I think alot of times people think cancer is a death sentence to be scared of. Well I am a seven year survivor who is still fighting. I will be taking chemo and a trial drug. I try to have positive attitude and courage. Words cant cure you but attitude helps you to live you life to the fullest you can. I must still be here for a reason. I have good days I can actually go dancing when chemo doesnt have me down. I refuse to let cancer rule my life. Cancer is not I repeat not a death sentence. I have seen over 20 people cured of cancer after the round of treatments. As I have told this story before my Dad's cousin had cancer in the 60s before all the drugs they have now and the drugs were harsh. Anyway they gave him a year to live, hmmmmm he is healthy and still alive in his late 70s. So don't ever tell me cancer kills all and that miracles dont happen. If your wife, gthufford, could get past thinking it will spread and live each day and not let the thought of cancer take over she would be happier. I do know its hard and I have my bad days but I pray for her and you she overcomes the fear. There are many diseases out there that some live with some over come. I will pray for you happiness and peace of mind for your wife and you.
Prayers and Hugs
Sandy

longingforhope

gthufford said:

longingforhope
Longingforhope,

I love and appreciate your honesty, and so I will give you some honesty from another perspective.

I am the caregiver for my wife (39 years old) who will be finishing up chemotherapy for stage 3 kidney cancer that has not metastasized. Our prognosis is very good, and I know that this separates us from a lot of people who post on this site.

However, my wife is convinced that the only reason the cancer has not shown up elsewhere is because of the chemotherapy, and she is scared to death that when we are done with the chemo, it will show up somewhere that will be fatal. Her family history is very bad in this regard, and she believe deep down inside that she will be leaving me and our two children (9 and 10 yrs old) early.

I don't claim to understand what my wife is going through - but I will tell you that I will not personally live this way. I will only live as though I will be with my wife until the day that I die - which will be at a ripe old age. If we do get the "bad news" again someday, we will deal with it, but I won't live my life that way right now.

I also get sick of all of the positive BS talk that we get from well intentioned friends and family who have not lived through this, and I don't hesitate to tell others that they don't understand. I also understand that I don't know what it is like to care for a terminal loved one. However, I think that there are probably a lot of caregivers like me who won't give into the negative side - at least not yet. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, or at least I believe that there is.

Please do not take this as a criticism of your view point or what you are going through - I respect and appreciate your view point more than you may know. But I think that there are some of us out there who choose to see things from a more positive stand point, and I felt the need to post my thoughts.

God bless you, and I pray for peace for you and your family.

Thanks for a different prospective
GT,

Thanks for the alternative viewpoint, you gave many valid reasons to stay positive. And believe me I do try to but sometimes, especially at night after another hard day, the negativity just comes out. That's what I love about this site, you can vent, get opinions from others, then regain your prospective.

I spend hours every day looking for clinical trials for my husband and we always get shut out because he's Stage 3 and still one lymph node away from being stage 4. How ignorant is that, they want you when you are almost gone.

Your wife must be terrified being sick with such young children, I know I would be. She will be in my prayers, she is to young to give in to this dreaded disease.

As for me this is a bad week, hub gets PET scan results tomorrow and my oldest daughter that graduated this past weekend is going to the Cleveland Clinic to see a Pulmonologist for some bizarre lung problems that all the Specialists can't diagnose. Of course there is a small chance it could be cancer. So I let myself be angry this week because the family was here for the big grad party this weekend and I heard the positivity bs over and over.

But next week I'm going back to Fla and for a glorious week there will be no Dr. appts just three shots to give my hub. And for a little while I can at least pretend this nightmare isn't happening.

Thanks again for your thoughts and I don't take them as criticism just another point of view. And we all have our own way of dealing with it and if I didn't want comments I wouldn't post.

I wish you all the best and your family will be in my prayers. Tell your wife to have faith because she is young and strong and she can beat it.

LH

soccerfreaks

longingforhope said:

Thanks for a different prospective
GT,

Thanks for the alternative viewpoint, you gave many valid reasons to stay positive. And believe me I do try to but sometimes, especially at night after another hard day, the negativity just comes out. That's what I love about this site, you can vent, get opinions from others, then regain your prospective.

I spend hours every day looking for clinical trials for my husband and we always get shut out because he's Stage 3 and still one lymph node away from being stage 4. How ignorant is that, they want you when you are almost gone.

Your wife must be terrified being sick with such young children, I know I would be. She will be in my prayers, she is to young to give in to this dreaded disease.

As for me this is a bad week, hub gets PET scan results tomorrow and my oldest daughter that graduated this past weekend is going to the Cleveland Clinic to see a Pulmonologist for some bizarre lung problems that all the Specialists can't diagnose. Of course there is a small chance it could be cancer. So I let myself be angry this week because the family was here for the big grad party this weekend and I heard the positivity bs over and over.

But next week I'm going back to Fla and for a glorious week there will be no Dr. appts just three shots to give my hub. And for a little while I can at least pretend this nightmare isn't happening.

Thanks again for your thoughts and I don't take them as criticism just another point of view. And we all have our own way of dealing with it and if I didn't want comments I wouldn't post.

I wish you all the best and your family will be in my prayers. Tell your wife to have faith because she is young and strong and she can beat it.

LH

"and if I didn't want comments I wouldn't post."

Beautiful! It should be a bright red notice posted on entry into the discussion boards: "If you don't want to risk comments that may disagree with your own, do not post."

Take care,

Joe

gthufford

longingforhope said:

Thanks for a different prospective
GT,

Thanks for the alternative viewpoint, you gave many valid reasons to stay positive. And believe me I do try to but sometimes, especially at night after another hard day, the negativity just comes out. That's what I love about this site, you can vent, get opinions from others, then regain your prospective.

I spend hours every day looking for clinical trials for my husband and we always get shut out because he's Stage 3 and still one lymph node away from being stage 4. How ignorant is that, they want you when you are almost gone.

Your wife must be terrified being sick with such young children, I know I would be. She will be in my prayers, she is to young to give in to this dreaded disease.

As for me this is a bad week, hub gets PET scan results tomorrow and my oldest daughter that graduated this past weekend is going to the Cleveland Clinic to see a Pulmonologist for some bizarre lung problems that all the Specialists can't diagnose. Of course there is a small chance it could be cancer. So I let myself be angry this week because the family was here for the big grad party this weekend and I heard the positivity bs over and over.

But next week I'm going back to Fla and for a glorious week there will be no Dr. appts just three shots to give my hub. And for a little while I can at least pretend this nightmare isn't happening.

Thanks again for your thoughts and I don't take them as criticism just another point of view. And we all have our own way of dealing with it and if I didn't want comments I wouldn't post.

I wish you all the best and your family will be in my prayers. Tell your wife to have faith because she is young and strong and she can beat it.

LH

Longingforhope
Longingforhope (by the way - I love that name!)

Thanks for your kind post - I re-read my post this morning, and I was really worried it would be taken the wrong way (does anyone else ever do that?). I'm glad that you are so open minded - and strong!

I also had a chance to read some of your other posts, and I can tell you that you come across as a very positive and uplifting person. I would imagine that we would have a lot in common.

I love to be in people's prayers. Sometimes I hold off on saying anything too religious because that can also be taken the wrong way - but since you opened the door - GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!!!

You, your husband, and your daughter will also be in my prayers tonight - especially that you get great results from the PET scan, and that you have a great and peaceful week in Florida.

gthufford

green50 said:

Dont let cancer rule
Everyone handles things differently. I am both a cancer patient and was a care taker of my husband. I think alot of times people think cancer is a death sentence to be scared of. Well I am a seven year survivor who is still fighting. I will be taking chemo and a trial drug. I try to have positive attitude and courage. Words cant cure you but attitude helps you to live you life to the fullest you can. I must still be here for a reason. I have good days I can actually go dancing when chemo doesnt have me down. I refuse to let cancer rule my life. Cancer is not I repeat not a death sentence. I have seen over 20 people cured of cancer after the round of treatments. As I have told this story before my Dad's cousin had cancer in the 60s before all the drugs they have now and the drugs were harsh. Anyway they gave him a year to live, hmmmmm he is healthy and still alive in his late 70s. So don't ever tell me cancer kills all and that miracles dont happen. If your wife, gthufford, could get past thinking it will spread and live each day and not let the thought of cancer take over she would be happier. I do know its hard and I have my bad days but I pray for her and you she overcomes the fear. There are many diseases out there that some live with some over come. I will pray for you happiness and peace of mind for your wife and you.
Prayers and Hugs
Sandy

Green50 - Dancing through Chemo
Green50,

Thank you so much - and God Bless You. My wife is on a journey that I can't comprehend, only support. As both a caregiver and patient, you have a very unique perspective that I respect and appreciate.

I have tried to get my wife to shift her attitude, only to be met with her rolling eyes that tell me that I just don't understand. I've given up on that, and really now just focus on meeting as many of her needs as I can - which lately is just making sure she can sleep as much as possible.

That doesn't keep me from being positive, which is one of the things that my wife loves about me, I just sometimes have to be careful what I say around her.

We just had our 1 year anniversary of the cancer diagnosis (cancer free so-far!), but my wife says that she won't be able to be comfortable until after 1 year after the Chemo is done. That will be Aug 2010 - which I suppose will be here soon enough. In the grand scheme of things, this is not that much time to wait - especially for someone who I love more today than ever.

Thanks again - you are in my prayers as well.

ambientbeats

gthufford said:

Longingforhope
Longingforhope (by the way - I love that name!)

Thanks for your kind post - I re-read my post this morning, and I was really worried it would be taken the wrong way (does anyone else ever do that?). I'm glad that you are so open minded - and strong!

I also had a chance to read some of your other posts, and I can tell you that you come across as a very positive and uplifting person. I would imagine that we would have a lot in common.

I love to be in people's prayers. Sometimes I hold off on saying anything too religious because that can also be taken the wrong way - but since you opened the door - GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY!!!

You, your husband, and your daughter will also be in my prayers tonight - especially that you get great results from the PET scan, and that you have a great and peaceful week in Florida.

God Bless 'Em!
I don't know how many pep talks I've gotten since my diagnosis. But I found that I was "out-pep-talking" by saying, "I've got this. Don't worry." The words "strong and stubborn" were used to describe me -- hence my ability to conquer the cancer. People were doing prayer circles, laying hands on me, sending wiccan chants, you name it. Friends were organizing chemo rides and chemo companionship complete with scrabble games for the chemo sessiosn. Parties and barbeques galore were organized to pep me up. Long-lost relatives and friends started appearing out of the woodwork. Co-workers who know are at my office like clock-work at least 15-20 minutes a day checking my "pep meter." For an introvert like me, it was most overwhelming. I found that my energy level was always zapped when coming out of these events/things. God bless them all! They mean well. But many times I found that they were doing these things for their own peace of mind, mostly. If they see that I'm of good disposition then they're fine. Heaven help them if I broke down in front of them and told them my real fears about fighting these battles.

And the curious thing that I found was that the onslaught of concern and care was disproportionately bigger during the "sensational" new aspect of the diagnosis. Now that I'm in session 5 of chemo and "all is quiet on the western front" they don't come around much. No phone calls or visits. I guess 'cause my cancer news is stale and isn't sexy anymore, they're on to the next tragedy. (kidding!)

Do I sound bitter? I'm not really. It was just a pure revelation of human behavior that I thought I'd never observe. It's easy to get on the train when it's full speed steaming along. But the true test is when you stay with the train when it's chugging along because it's climbing a steep mountain and the engine is struggling.

cowman

nofarm said:

Are you all still there?
Was doing a google search and came up with my post from 2005. Are any of those who responded still on this site? My husband died July 28, 2007 and if I was angry in 2005, I'm even more so now.

What to SAY!
Nofarm,

Having just crossed over into "cancer-world" in May 2009 (spouse colon cancer), I can realize I was guilty at times of saying "the wrong things". We don't know that 20 other people are repeating the same "positive story", etc. My husband also farms and it IS a struggle as any self-employed person can tell you. There is no sick leave. I am just blessed that I DO have family leave at my work and can be there for him.

I am so sorry that your husband has died and that you are still hurting. I will keep you in my prayers.

nofarm

soccerfreaks said:

anger
nofarm, I have been active on this site since 2006, and while the name of one of the people who responded to your post rings a long distant bell, the others I cannot recall at all. You might want to look at their individual member pages for any updated information about them.

In the meantime, you are indicating that you are angrier now even than you were almost two years ago. TWO YEARS! That is a long time to harbor anger, nofarm, and must be wreaking havoc on your life! Please consider therapy or, if you are of a certain religious persuasion, counseling from a clergyman (or woman), rabbi, whichever, SOMEONE to help you release this anger.

This anger is baggage leftover from the cancer days. It is understandable, for sure, but please think of it as something the cancer continues to do TO you, something it is not entitled to do. Free yourself of the anger, in your own best interest, and move on.

Best wishes.

Take care,

Joe

anger
Joe: You have no idea what Two years of anger can do and yes, I have sort therapy, yesterday in fact. In that two years, I continued to lose things, pets, family dynamics, financial security and four months ago, my Mother. Although I agree the Cancer is still the main problem, it's not a simple process.

Thanks for you post.

nofarm

nofarm

longingforhope said:

There are alot of us that are just plain mad at family
Nofarm, you hit the nail on the head with your original post, my girls said if one more of my brother and 2 sisters, grandparents, cousins etc give them the positivity speech they are going to scream. We have gotten to the point we only text because we won't answer the phone to another bs positivity speech.

When they have spent 4 hrs getting an interferon treatment for stage 3 malignant melanoma that is matastisizing and had to spend 4 hours driving home in an ice storm when it should only take an hour then we will talk. Then you have to get up the next day and go again and in the meantime your husband has nausea, chills, fever, pain and who knows what else that he can't even tell you he's feeling. When they experience that for 5 weeks and then 11 months of giving their spouse a shot 3 times a week then and only then will we discuss being positive.

Cancer is the most invasive, unknown nightmare way to die and is beyond terrifying for the patient and caregiver. And the Oncologists, Radiologists and every other "gist" still don't know why it comes and why it truly goes away for the lucky ones.

But how about those of us that are the caretakers and we are exhausted and scared and overwhelmed because however this turns out there are kids to raise and tons of bills to be paid. How in the heck are we supposed to be positive. How did you survive it because I don't know some days if I can.

I'm sure your husband made peace with God in the end and you will too. I'm glad I found your post because the positivity thing has been driving me nuts.

LH

Anger
LH.

As I told Joe in his post, yesterday I opted to get help. I've tried for two years now to run away from all the anger and it just hasn't gone away. Hopefully, I can work through it and find some peace. I for one, and others on this post do understand where you are coming from. After my husband died, my brother began to understand better, but never completely. I don't think he actually believed Burge would die.

May your family get through this and avoid some of the anger I did. I have no answers for you, only prayers... I can actually say and mean that now. I'm still angry with God, but realize that he is here, quietly giving direction, as I believe he has finally put me in contact with a therapist who can help.

nofarm

nofarm

cowman said:

What to SAY!
Nofarm,

Having just crossed over into "cancer-world" in May 2009 (spouse colon cancer), I can realize I was guilty at times of saying "the wrong things". We don't know that 20 other people are repeating the same "positive story", etc. My husband also farms and it IS a struggle as any self-employed person can tell you. There is no sick leave. I am just blessed that I DO have family leave at my work and can be there for him.

I am so sorry that your husband has died and that you are still hurting. I will keep you in my prayers.

farming
Knowing how farms work, I can imagine how hard your financial struggle is. Unlike some other jobs, not just anyone can fill in and the investment is at stake every day. Spend as much time with your husband as you can....the bills (medical ones anyway) can wait. Believe me, they will keep after you so why hurry. ha!

We had the wrong insurance and had to sell farm ground...but had I known, would have borrowed against the land instead. Unlike some other professions, your assets keep you "in their sights" so eventually you have to pay rather than declare bankruptcy as some wage earners do, but negotiate, negotiate, negotiate. Your insurance company will get a 50% write off, so don't feel grateful if you are offered 30% for paying immediately. Go for the best.

My husbands war is over, your husband's is not. My best wishes to you and on a positive note, keep peddling.

soccerfreaks

nofarm said:

anger
Joe: You have no idea what Two years of anger can do and yes, I have sort therapy, yesterday in fact. In that two years, I continued to lose things, pets, family dynamics, financial security and four months ago, my Mother. Although I agree the Cancer is still the main problem, it's not a simple process.

Thanks for you post.

nofarm

No
No, for sure, it is not a simple process. Hopefully, speaking to a professional about it on a regular basis will help you sort things out and begin to shed some of the worst aspects of the experience, especially the anger, and move forward toward a healthier, happier life.

My best wishes for success!

Take care,

Joe

coachL

ambientbeats said:

God Bless 'Em!
I don't know how many pep talks I've gotten since my diagnosis. But I found that I was "out-pep-talking" by saying, "I've got this. Don't worry." The words "strong and stubborn" were used to describe me -- hence my ability to conquer the cancer. People were doing prayer circles, laying hands on me, sending wiccan chants, you name it. Friends were organizing chemo rides and chemo companionship complete with scrabble games for the chemo sessiosn. Parties and barbeques galore were organized to pep me up. Long-lost relatives and friends started appearing out of the woodwork. Co-workers who know are at my office like clock-work at least 15-20 minutes a day checking my "pep meter." For an introvert like me, it was most overwhelming. I found that my energy level was always zapped when coming out of these events/things. God bless them all! They mean well. But many times I found that they were doing these things for their own peace of mind, mostly. If they see that I'm of good disposition then they're fine. Heaven help them if I broke down in front of them and told them my real fears about fighting these battles.

And the curious thing that I found was that the onslaught of concern and care was disproportionately bigger during the "sensational" new aspect of the diagnosis. Now that I'm in session 5 of chemo and "all is quiet on the western front" they don't come around much. No phone calls or visits. I guess 'cause my cancer news is stale and isn't sexy anymore, they're on to the next tragedy. (kidding!)

Do I sound bitter? I'm not really. It was just a pure revelation of human behavior that I thought I'd never observe. It's easy to get on the train when it's full speed steaming along. But the true test is when you stay with the train when it's chugging along because it's climbing a steep mountain and the engine is struggling.

Wow! Is this ever true! My
Wow! Is this ever true! My husband has a stage 4 tongue based cancer and EVERYONE was with us for the first month or so. Now the group has dwindled to a small number. I feel pressured to relay "good news" and sense their "tiredness" with our continual struggles with chemo and radiation. In some respects, I guess we are seeing who are truest of friends are. I too am not bitter, just learning so much about myself and others.