Dad is Grumpy & Hates the World

midniteoil Member Posts: 5
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
Hi, My dad is 71 and dying of mesotheloma cancer. He is in such pain, and doctors haven't given any hope for him. They just tell me how bad it is. Dad lives alone, my brother can't deal with it, so I am taking this on alone. I have a 6 yr old daughter, a very busy business to run, and dad lives 17 miles away. It is so hard sometimes to do this. He screams at me every day about everything. One minute he says " I don't know what I would do without you" the next, he screams at me for no reason. He is screaming and yelling in front of everyone, so bad yesterday, the nurses at the hospital we were at couldn't believe it. One said she would leave, one said - it is part of the pain of this disease, a couple said they feel bad for me having to put up with this and how do I do it. Then several more came over when dad was in the recovery room yelling at everyone.

He is so bad, we were sitting in the surgery waiting room where they said to wait, and they came and got my brother, myself and my nephew.

When we walked up to him he screamed " WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING? I HAD TO ASK BY MYSELF WHAT TIME I GET OUT OF HERE - YOU DIDN'T DO IT! I GET OUT AT 11:30 DID YOU KNOW THAT? I KNOW THAT BECAUSE I HAD TO ASK!!ETC. ETC." I HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AND NOBODY WOULD HELP ME - YOU WEREN'T HERE - NOBODY WOULD TELL ME ANYTHING. Then later on told his lady friend that he is mad at me because I didn't ask what time he gets out of the hospital, that he had to. He told her that the person that drives him there is responsible to ask when he gets out. Which makes totally no sense, because they had us wait in the surgery waiting room and told us they would come get us when he was done!

It was so bad, all the nurses ran over and then he kept yelling about having to go to the bathroom and nobody helping him, etc etc. He just kept screaming at ME. My brother got so upset at his treatment of me, he walked out. Dad never spoke to him.

They couldn't wait for him to leave. Then he got in the car and yelled at me for having the windows down. It was in the 80's. So he made me put the windows up and wouldn't let me turn the air on. He just kept yelling. Finally, I told him I was going to vomit, because it was so hot in the car and he told me I could open a window. My poor 11 yr old nephew saw all this.

Every day now he screams about stuff, then says "I don't know whats going on". He said the other day it took him all day to figure out what day it was!

Last week he screamed at me at the Radiology place in front of everyone inside and outside where I had my little girl with me. People stopped and stared, I think they thought he was gonna hit me. One lady started to walk over to the car. My daughter had to go the the bathroom, so we waited in line and she went in. He came out of his PT scan and screamed 'WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, I'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YOU' in this mobbed place.. Everyone stopped short, and stared. I told him she had to go potty, and he said, oh, ok - that is a legitimate excuse. Then I said in the parking lot "Did they tell you when you will get your results" So he screams again "ISN'T THAT WHY I HAVE A DR. APPT FRIDAY? SHOULDN'T YOU KNOW THAT , WHAT ARE YOU ASKING ME FOR, ETC. ETC." and continued screaming non stop.

He always threatens to jump out of the car while I am driving, and screams all the way back from everywhere. I live this nightmare and can't stand it. I'm afraid to say anything to him. He is quite possibly the most miserable man in the world right now. I've only seen mean people like this in movies.

I love him, he is my dad, but I am being verbally abused to the maximum and don't know how much more I can handle. The doctors just keep passing us on for more testing and more testing, telling me it is very bad. Like they are just waiting for him to die.

Somedays I literally run out of the house and leave when I see him becoming angry at nothing. I told his doctor he is very irritable and he keeps yelling at me for that. Said I have no right telling the doctor that, etc. etc. When he has me come in the rooms with him because he is losing his hearing bad, and he has me be his voice.

He is beyond miserable and I try to deal with it. But this is wearing me out, and the screaming makes me so stressed, I become exhausted. I don't yell back or argue with him. I talk very calm and tell him I understand he is very ill and it makes him miserable....but my much more do I need?


  • geenac
    geenac Member Posts: 2
    Sometimes my mom gets that way too. She doesn't yell at the professionals, just me and my family. She has thrown a shoe at my 6 year old and is just down right bitter. I have gotten to where I will snap back at her and I know I shouldn't but I thought if I brought it to her attention, she would at least think about what she was doing before she did it again.

    I am an only child and she refuses to let anyone else care for her. She was diagnosed in May and the dr.s with stage 4 aednocarcinoma lung cancer. She doesn't realize the limited amount of time she has left or if she does, she refuses to discuss it with me. She held a very influential position before she retired and continues to handle her personal affairs in the same manner.

    I had to quit my job as a Branch Manager for a bank to take care of her. I moved in with her in May, leaving my husband to take care of our 12 and 6 year old sons. She had gotten to the point she would yell at them, telling them to shut up, etc. She does love us and I know that but I'm afraid the memories they will have of her will all be bitter. She also makes cutting remarks about my husband and the things he could be doing to help, etc. He is a teacher and coach and isn't home very much. He has been extremely supportive in my mind - how many men would take on 2 children, lose 50% of income (mine) and not complain?

    I try to point this out to mom but she chooses to see only the negative sides of the situation. She is very nice to all the medical professionals and they always compliment me on her demeanor, saying it must be a joy to take care of her.

    I don't mean to sound bitter or not want to take care of her - I guess it's her denial or .... I don't know. I want to help and I am here. Since school has started, I have been putting her to bed at 8 and going home. She seems ok with the new situation - who knows how long that will last. Her whole personality has changed and when I discussed it with her physician, the performed an mri to see if the cancer had metastisized to her brain - if it has it's too small so show up.

    Right now, we are praying daily that she will come around. I know she is scared. I think that's what's triggering the reaction. We are coping but it's hard. I can only imagine what you are going through. Please know that you are not alone.

    Put your faith in God, talk to your dad in a reasonable manner and let him know how you are feeling, etc. Hopefully he can understand and try to savor what's left of a difficult situation.

    Bless you -
  • My mom fell and broke her hip four months before she died. She became just like your father in her response to everything. She had diabetis and a host of other problems.
    She was finally diagnosed with senile dementia. The diagnosis didn't make her any better, but it helped me to know that it was not about me. I stopped being embarrassed about her behavior in front of others and just let them deal with it as best they could.
    And this may sound strange, but I stopped trying so hard. I knew that even if I killed myself trying to make her happy it still wouldn't improve her outlook one bit. So I just did what I thought was reasonable and ignored her outbursts as much as possible. It takes a thick skin to deal with a parent in this way when we have been raised to be respectful to them. But ruining our own health over it all certainly won't help them any.
    It's hard to become like the parent and have your parent become like the child, but sometimes it works that way.
    You've got more than any one person should have to handle. Try to find a way to get some help, even if your father doesn't like being cared for by someone else. None of us always get what we want...especially in the hard times.
    God bless.