One year later

mbc59

I am just weeks away from one year post chemo and I am having a tough time. The first few months post treatment I had such an appreciation for life. Now I feel like I have lost all the positive lessons I had learned from my cancer experience. Moreover, although my family has had their fun times return, I feel like after treatment was over, I didn't get to have fun times, but instead, just went back to being a working mother with all the responsibility that goes along with that. I feel like I should have taken some time off for me, and not just the time off for treatment. How do I get that "Oh I'm glad I'm alive" feeling back???

BonnieT

Hi
I know how you feel. I finished chemo last june.
But that was my second fight with cancer.Sometimes it's hard to keep up the positive attitude, and that's ok.You definitely need to take some time for your self even if it is just a weekend that you go by yourself or with friends and have some fun. Cancer is a traumatic experience, I don't think people who haven't gone thru it, really understand, while you are in treatment you are in "fight mode" and then when it is done you kind of feel at a loss. If that makes sense.
I find being on this board and reading what others are or have gone thru helps remind me how precious life is and how strong the human spirit is !!
Someone else wrote that their Dr. told them it is like when you are in a burning building and you are fighting for your life, it doesn't hit you until you are sitting on the curb and are safe watching the burning building.
Take Care
God Bless
Bonnie T

bebe1976

Been there, done that. I am a 3 year survivor and know what you mean. That feeling usually goes away within some time if you don't take time for you every once in a while. My best advice is that you take at least one weekend a month to do what you like, what makes you feel good and what spiritually moves you towards that good place where all lessons learned during cancer can be found. Hire a babysitter or get someone to watch over your kids and just go find yourself. Another word of advice, we all go back to reality sometime, and while it may not be all that it is a reality that is without cancer for the moment and that is something to be greatful about. Live today and now, not yesterday or tommorow. Finally, try getting involved in cancer oriented group and help other patients, give testimony that we can survive this...whatever moves you is fine.
If you ever need a friend, I'm always here.
Feel free to contact me at any time.
Jenn
jenniferaponte@yahoo.com

nanarae

I am so glad to see someone that is voicing what I am feeling. I am 16 months our from chemo and 12 months out from radiation. I keep thinking that I am suppose to feel 100% and I am suppose to do what I was doing before all this came up. I get so mad and disgusted with family especially husband. His idea is that now all the hub-bub is over we are not to talk about it, how dare I complain, just get over it. Sometimes I almost wish that I would have just kicked the bucket instead of surviving. I am like you I was strong during chemo and radiation, nothing could stop me, I was invinvcible. I had all the strenght of a dozen oxen, stubborness of a dosen mules and I was just taking it like a trouper. Once the treatments were over everyone else went back to their lives and went back to living and here I was just existing. I totally understand your feelings of anger, resentment and just total all out fury at life and those around you.. Sometimes we need to know that our anger is justified and that it is ok to be angry and to ask why. I was told when I went in for my lumpectomy that it was a 95% chance that the tumor was benign. Will it was cancer. My husband, mom, mother-in-law, sister-in-law and some church family was there. I felt like a sheep being hered from that point on. I never cried any tears over having cancer, I cried because I felt so bad. I never once asked God why because I knew He would take care of me but I prayed for my family. I was such the martyr. I just wanted to be the super woman of the family. I am not super woman.
I am sorry that this is so long and I do want you to know that you do have to take a day at a time and a dear lady at church told me that there are days we have to ask God to help us survive form breath to the next. That was the one piece of advice that I have kept tucked away for those days that seem endless. From one cancer survivor to another may God bless you and keep you in His loving arms. Take care and thanks for listening.

wimpy

Hi

I just wanted to add my two cents to this discussion. It is my belief that the year and a half after cancer treatment is much harder than undergoing the treatment. During treatment you get a lot of support, but as soon as it is over people figure you are fine and want you to be as you were before cancer. My theory (from my experience) is that you spend the next year and a half getting the remains of the chemicals out of your body and rebuilding your strength. Doctors are always there to tell us what we are not experiencing even though we are experiencing these things and we get the BIG guilt trip from everyone...(" What have you got to feel bad about?? You are alive aren't you?") but we are having sleep issues, fears, weakness, occasional dizziness, general tiredness, changes to our bodies that we recognize even if no one else does and (in my case) flshbacks to memories that just appeared out of the blue, like odd neurons being fired in the brain. I often think that we don't help each other that much either because being a cancer survivor does not make us less judgemental. My experience has been that it takes two years to begin to feel like the person that you were before cancer Then you can let some of the hurt go.

dankbaar

Also got a lot of support during treatment. Now a year later I wonder if my tiredness is age related or lingering from the chemo and radiation.