The weight of the world - A son trying to make it "okay"

loveyouDad

If you have a moment to spare a few words of wisdom encouragment for my situtation I would be very grateful. I am a 19 almost 20 oldest son of four children of a loving, passionate and devtoed father who is dieing of prostrate cancer. We have persued every known treatment for my Dad, all to no avail. I am looking for ways to ease my transition with his inevetitable passing so I can better play the role which I will fill in keeping the family together. My Dad is young, only 52 last week, my poor mother is so intraverted with denial and fear she is barely functionalable of late. There are many other factors to the situation which cause pain and sorrow on everyone's hearts. How can I prepare, how can I help in the passing of my hero? Can you help me?

Christmas

Nineteen is very young to have such a heavy burden, but you sound like a very mature young man. You have a tough road. Take it one day at a time. Let your family, friends, and community help. Look at your life as a challenge. The pain and sorrow will pass. My prayers are with you. Stay Strong!

jenruth02

Take things one day at a time. Don't try and do everything yourself, you can't no matter how hard you try. And you'll be surprised at the support from friends and members of the community. Just remember that there are people who care and will be there when you feel like you've hit rock bottom.

sumrfox

I too am the oldest. I have two younger sisters. Though I'm 52 and my dad is 73 losing your precious parent is never easy. My dad began w/ bladder cancer and now has it in his lungs, bones and lymph nodes. He's now w/ hospice at home. Tonight he finally had me shave the last of his dark brown hair completely off. Like you, I know mom isn't coping because she's being too analitical and not really feeling the moment. I know how you feel being the one to hold the family together...it's tough. I guess I'm writing to let you know you're not alone and if you'd like to write back you can. Maybe we can help each other. In the meantime, hang in there. My best advice is to follow your heart...you can never go wrong that way.

SusanBColeman

I am so sorry you have to go through this. My son is 20 and we just found out that his dad has a very aggressive cancer. The odds for him are not good. My son is trying to deal with it and it's the hardest thing he's ever done. There is a lot of comfort in the Buddhist way of looking at death. There is a book I recommend called
"No fear, No death" by Thich Nhat Hanh.

midniteoil

You have such a burden. How old are your siblings? You need to get mom back together. Help your mom with her denial and get her any assistance you can to deal with this pain. That will help you & your dad so much more. Tell her you need her and so does your dad. Dig up some of moms friends or family she can talk to - send her to a day at the spa. Mom needs a break to get herself back together, and as a family, all of you can work together. You can't do this alone - I am also losing my dad to cancer and understand your pain. I put you in my prayers and hope you can get through this okay.

krissy330

sumrfox said:

I too am the oldest. I have two younger sisters. Though I'm 52 and my dad is 73 losing your precious parent is never easy. My dad began w/ bladder cancer and now has it in his lungs, bones and lymph nodes. He's now w/ hospice at home. Tonight he finally had me shave the last of his dark brown hair completely off. Like you, I know mom isn't coping because she's being too analitical and not really feeling the moment. I know how you feel being the one to hold the family together...it's tough. I guess I'm writing to let you know you're not alone and if you'd like to write back you can. Maybe we can help each other. In the meantime, hang in there. My best advice is to follow your heart...you can never go wrong that way.

I, too, am losing my father to bladder cancer. He has stage 4 and the doctor's feel that he has about six months to live. Cancer left his bladder before it was removed and has moved to his head and possibly his kidneys. I am 35 and he is 65...I am not ready to say goodbye. There is no way to describe this pain...it's paralyzing. I am one of seven children. We are a large but close family. I guess I am looking for encouraging words as I have no idea how to begin to deal with this.

geenac

I am so sorry for your situation. I lost my dad when I was 26 - he was my idol. While things are fresh, write down things he has said and says now to you, you will cherish this always. Go with your mom to his doctor's appointment - ask to speak with the doctor privately. Tell him you are worried about your mom, in the experiences I have had, the doctors are just as concerned with the caregiver's health as they are the patient's. He may have her attend some support meetings, etc. You also may want to attend. You demonstrate a lot of maturity by posting here. Pray!!!! God will show you what to do if you ask and listen to him!!! Your younger siblings will normally follow your lead. Talk to your mom, ask her what you can do to help. There are family support groups, church support groups, etc that can give you more advice.

God bless you in your journey.

nofarm

My son, about to turn 21, has had to come home from diesel tech school to help run our farm because his father, 49 has colon cancer. We are lucky because at this stage, it doesn't appear that my husband is dying, but he is having lots of problems dealing with side effects of chemo, etc. Just having our son with us is a great help. You are a blessing to your father just by being there and the time will come when your mother may need you more than now. Others may not agree, but sometimes we have to pretend things are going OK just to get through the day. As long as she is preparing for things that must be done now and can't wait until later, perhaps a little space isn't so bad. Do what you must for yourself and your siblings and don't be too hard on yourself if everything doesn't go just right. You can only do what you can and that's most likely better than you think.

rpic17

Very similar situation
I actually made an account here to reply to this message because I am in such a similar situation. I am 20 years old and the oldest of 4 kids. My dad was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma when I was 14 but has since been in remission. When I was 17 my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She went into remission, it came back again a year later, she went into remission again, it came back again another year later. When I was 19 we found out that she only had a few more months to live, so I took a year off school to come home and help care for her. She is only 48. My mom was the one that held our family together and provided the more emotional support for us throughout our lives. It will only be a few more weeks maximum now until my mom dies. We have the funeral arrangements made, her urn was delivered in the mail yesterday, and my sister and I bought dresses for the memorial service today. My dad, who is also 48, has been a fantastic care giver, but he never really leaves the house anymore because he doesn't want to leave her side, and sometimes I even have to remind him to eat. While her impending death is very upsetting, one of the hardest parts has been my role change in the family. I do the cooking, cleaning, shopping, and picking up and dropping off of my siblings. I talk to them about what's happening and address their fears and questions about my mom and the future. I noticed that this message was posted in 2005, so I'd like to hear how things went for you. I know that after this spring and summer are over I need to return to school, which is what my parents want me to do. But I will be 6 hours away by plane and the thought of it makes me feel guilty for leaving my family. I feel like they need to me to fill in for her. I worry who will take care of them all when I'm gone. Did you feel like this too?