I Am Very Scared

Unknown

I am 40 and I was dx with bc in 10/03 in the left breast. I had the standard lumpectomy, chemo, rads. My mammo of the right breast now shows increasing suscpicious microcalcifications. Radiologist wasn't too encouraging. A biopsy is scheduled for this week. It is 3:10 am and I can't seem to breathe. I always knew that I would have to do battle again, because they told me I'm hormone negative, but I stupidly thought I'd have a longer respite.

I look at my 8 yr old daughter and I cry. I can't handle this. The thought of more chemo is horrible, but there are no other meds for me.

Someone please please help me understand. Say something to help me to cope. I feel like I'm living a nitemare and I can't seem to wake up... haven't been able to since 10/03. Hard to write through the tears. I am really losing it.

Jaded

SweetSue

I am trying to find some words to comfort you, but I feel numb.
I guess I will focus on your daughter. She will grow up hearing cancer is hereditary , and she will be extremely fearful if you are not a strong role model.
Live for NOW...say, "I feel fine today, let today be a day that I do something fun or interesting or charitable with my daughter."
Prayer has given me strength....pray,pray,pray, and place your life in His hands.
I am thinking the radiologist could be mistaken so try not to torture yourself until you know for sure.
If you lived in Michigan, I would hold your hand.
Sue

SusanAnne

Dear Jaded,

You say you are hormone negative. Do you know if you are HER2 positive (if you don't have a copy of your pathology report ask for one)? If you are, I can point you in all sorts of directions. Don't lose hope. Deal with things as they are presented to you. Learn every detail about your dx. Breast cancer is such a general term. Each person has their own specifics and therefore their own treatment plan. Knowledge is power. You will feel more in control the more you know. You do not have the option right now of totally falling apart. Your job is to become a partner with your doctor and discuss all your possibilities. In order to do that you have to read, read, read and become your own expert. It's the only way to go in my opinion. Once you know your own specifics about your dx post them here and we will help. No one says you have to do it alone! Now get to work!

Susan

BTW, Happy Mother's Day

sassysally

Jaded, Please read my web page. I am a three time bc survivor..SURVIVOR!! My son was 2 1/2 my second go round, and 7 the third trip around the wheel. He is now 10 1/2. Take it one step at a time. BREATE!! It will be ok. Please email me with your concerns. It really will be OK.
Take it from me. I am only 43 now......

hugs

Sassy

Texylin

Jaded, I was dx in dec of 02 with DCIS on left side. They found invasive tumors and I had a mastecomey and tram flap reconstruction. Had mammogram in Sept 03 and they found more calcification in right breast. Radiologist din't sound too positive with me either. Has a surgical biopsy and it came out negative. The hardest part on all of us is the waiting and worry. Tomoxefin was suposed to stop growth but doesn't work on everyone. Have faith, sweetheart, it's not always bad. If you need people to talk to go to the chat room. That always seems to help me. There is a lot of us out there who have "been there, done that." We're all praying for you. Linda (texylin)

kbc4869

Jaded,

I am afraid for you as well. I'm afraid for myself and the others. I've been coming here to get some inspiration myself. But I'll try to tell you what I think I would need to hear:

Let's take this methodically, step by step and don't project what you don't know yet. God knows, they've scared the life out of me before and it turned out to be nothing! Breath. Now, if it turns out to be something, here is what I try to tell myself:

You will get through it. You're already reaching out for that strength. You asking us to arm you with what you already know. You are a fighter. I am petrified of going back on chemo; however, I did it once and I can do it again. There will be bad days. But there will also be days that your strength will amaze you and you will see yourself exactly as you really are: stripped down maybe, but strong, beautiful, dignified and stubborn. You will look at the world and see it clearly and what is really important. You will be grateful for every kindess given to you and every happy moment you have. You won't take anything for granted and you'll have the opportunity to let everyone you love know how you really feel. Remember, you are a strong force to be reckoned with; you've already proved that. Your daughter will see a fighter, and she will be proud that she comes from a line of such strength and, during her darkest moments of self doubt as an adult, she'll always reference you and how you got through what you did. And she will know that she's capable of anything. Because you are too. We all are. And when you are told that you can get through this, believe it.

I'm saying a little prayer for you. And I've also asked that we BOTH get a good night's rest!!!

hummingbyrd

kbc4869 said:

Jaded,

I am afraid for you as well. I'm afraid for myself and the others. I've been coming here to get some inspiration myself. But I'll try to tell you what I think I would need to hear:

Let's take this methodically, step by step and don't project what you don't know yet. God knows, they've scared the life out of me before and it turned out to be nothing! Breath. Now, if it turns out to be something, here is what I try to tell myself:

You will get through it. You're already reaching out for that strength. You asking us to arm you with what you already know. You are a fighter. I am petrified of going back on chemo; however, I did it once and I can do it again. There will be bad days. But there will also be days that your strength will amaze you and you will see yourself exactly as you really are: stripped down maybe, but strong, beautiful, dignified and stubborn. You will look at the world and see it clearly and what is really important. You will be grateful for every kindess given to you and every happy moment you have. You won't take anything for granted and you'll have the opportunity to let everyone you love know how you really feel. Remember, you are a strong force to be reckoned with; you've already proved that. Your daughter will see a fighter, and she will be proud that she comes from a line of such strength and, during her darkest moments of self doubt as an adult, she'll always reference you and how you got through what you did. And she will know that she's capable of anything. Because you are too. We all are. And when you are told that you can get through this, believe it.

I'm saying a little prayer for you. And I've also asked that we BOTH get a good night's rest!!!

Hey Jaded, first bit of advice...don't let this crap scare you. Fear is your worst enemy. If you are at all religious know it is Satan who is attacking you and rebuke him in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and keep doing it every time he taps you on the shoulder and tells you to be afraid!
Next, know there are lots of alternative answers. First of all look at your diet. Sugar feeds cancer, diet drinks break down to poisen, cabbage, broccoli, bok choy etc along with olive oil interferes with the growth of breast cancer. Anti-oxidents such as found in fresh fruits and veggies are excelent anti-cancer agents. Exercise helps oxygenate the body as does wheat grass; cancer does not grow well in an oxygenated state, so breathe deeply and often. *smile*
If they do find a tumor there is a test called CSRA - do a search on the internet - it helps pinpoint exactly what chemo would be effective. All chemo is not the same! I just completed 6 months of carboplatinum and taxotere and didn't even lose my hair. Biggest difference in now and 6/2000...less stress, diet much better, closer to God and I divorced my husband. Maybe the first 3 are due to the last one. LOL
Hope this helps. By the way, this is not advice, just sharing personal experience and knowledge.
Best of luck and God bless.
hummingbyrd

AuthorUnknown

Dear Jaded:

Go ahead -- lose it! I, too, was diagnosed estrogen receptive negative, had breast cancer in the left breast, went through chemo and rad. I just finished two weeks ago. During rad, I broke down completely. The breakdown lasted about a week. But, now the breakdown is over, and I feel strong again. So, don't worry about breaking down. If you do, you do. You'll be strong again, I'm sure of it.

Hang tough. You kicked its butt once. Now, if you have to, you'll do it again. I just met a woman who had it twice -- just about the same respite as you. It's been years, and now she's fine.

By the way, I don't understand why you said you knew you'd have to do this again. Is that what you were told? I was also hormone negative and my onocologist (who I believe is a genius) never said I'd have to face this again.