My mother..

jsgirl

My Mother has been fighting cancer for 5 years now. I am so fortunate to have had all of this time with her, I do realize this, however, this past week we were all told that her Oncologist feels that "the process" has begun and that she may have a minimum of 30 days. We were assisted in contacting hospice however mom doesn't feel that she needs them yet. It was hard enough to hear. But when I saw no expression on my mother's face, it worries me. I don't understand how I'm supposed to help her. What do I do? What do I say? I want to do everything right but I don't know what that is. I want to follow my own advise to my children who love their Grammy more than anything. "Spend as much time with her as you can, listen to what she has to say, tell her whatever you feel that you need to tell her and just love her." People have been very sypathetic and believe me, it's appreciated, but I need answers. We have talked about her wishes through the years, but decisions have changed from time to time. Do I wait for her to open discussions or do I ask her what she wants? I'm afraid that if what the doctor says is true, that if I wait that maybe it will never get discussed, but if I bring these things up so soon that she will think that I've given up hope, and it will be too painful for her. Does anyone have any idea what I should do? Does hospice discuss her wishes with her? Is there ever "the right time" to discuss the finalities?

gabor

I am so very sorry about your mom. I know this news is very devasting to you and your family. I'm not an expert and can't tell you what you should do or say. The only thing I can do is share my experience with my dad who passed away a few months ago from this disease. Towards the end I knew there was not a lot of time left and I had so much I wanted to say to him. But the words always got stuck and never came out because I was afraid to upset him and I didn't want to break down in front of him. As I look back, I wish I handled things differently. I know now that my tears would have been the ultimate expression of love. Encourage your mom to talk to you. Don't be afraid to ask her how she is feeling about the news from the doctor. She is probably very scared and needs someone to start the conversation. Let her know you are there for her and that she can tell you anything. If you struggle to say all the things you have to say, write her a note or card to let her know your feelings. Don't let the opportunity slip away because of fear. The hospice nurse is a good resource and should be able to help you with your questions. I wish I could offer you more words of encouragement. I will keep your mom and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Feel free to email me if you want to talk.
Linda

Shandle

Hi there sweetie, Wow... I'm almost without words here. I'll share this... when I found out that my dad didn't have much longer due to his lung cancer, I flew out and spent as much time with him as I could. Yes, the minute I saw him, I broke down and cried. I knelt by his bed and without hesitating, I told him how much I loved him, and how sorry I was that he was leaving us, and that he'll be missed. I told him how grateful I was for all those things he did and how hard he worked to provide for our family. I cried...and cried in front of him. My head was down cluching his hand in mine as I poured out my words and my tears. The pain was piercing. My dad was never an expressive man, but suddenly he withdrew his hand and I felt it stroke my hair. When I looked up into his eyes, he said "Bless your heart" He tried to soothe me. We really didn't need much words between us. The love was felt deeply. I'm sure he hurt as much as I did. I miss him.. and I'm soooo glad that I had the time and the oportunity to be with him and left his side in peace. If you have something you would like to share with your mom...say it while you can! So what if you cry? It's a sign of your effection. It's normal to cry. I think it's great to ask what you can do for her. Just love her and let her know how much she has touched your life. Laugh with her.. be with her. I'm sure she loves you and appreciates you more than you know. I hope this helps.. I'm almost in tears.. better quit. Stay in touch with us. Huggs ~ Wanda

grandma047

Shandle said:

Hi there sweetie, Wow... I'm almost without words here. I'll share this... when I found out that my dad didn't have much longer due to his lung cancer, I flew out and spent as much time with him as I could. Yes, the minute I saw him, I broke down and cried. I knelt by his bed and without hesitating, I told him how much I loved him, and how sorry I was that he was leaving us, and that he'll be missed. I told him how grateful I was for all those things he did and how hard he worked to provide for our family. I cried...and cried in front of him. My head was down cluching his hand in mine as I poured out my words and my tears. The pain was piercing. My dad was never an expressive man, but suddenly he withdrew his hand and I felt it stroke my hair. When I looked up into his eyes, he said "Bless your heart" He tried to soothe me. We really didn't need much words between us. The love was felt deeply. I'm sure he hurt as much as I did. I miss him.. and I'm soooo glad that I had the time and the oportunity to be with him and left his side in peace. If you have something you would like to share with your mom...say it while you can! So what if you cry? It's a sign of your effection. It's normal to cry. I think it's great to ask what you can do for her. Just love her and let her know how much she has touched your life. Laugh with her.. be with her. I'm sure she loves you and appreciates you more than you know. I hope this helps.. I'm almost in tears.. better quit. Stay in touch with us. Huggs ~ Wanda

Wanda that was beautiful and I'm sure very much a help to JS. I cried myself. I hope that when my time comes, my children are just like that. I don't know yet if my tumor is going to shrink, but if it doesn't, I know I won't have much time left. I want to enjoy as much life and I can and like I said, I want to be able to talk about things that need to be said. Thanks for such a lovely suggestion, not just to JS, but to us all.
Love and prayers, Judy
PS-My dad was altzheimers and parkinsons and COPD and is not doing well. We always had a strained relationship while I was growing up,but he calls me babydoll now. I hope that at the end, or before it, we can express our feelings.