Lost,Angry, No where to run! Help Me Please!!

bsrules

Hello Guys!! Well, it is me here again. I am here to vent and cry and quit. I wasn't going to post as I am so tired of feeling so ****. I know that you guys said to keep posting no matter what but you guys have got to be tired of hearing my troubles as they are so minor compared to what all of you are going through. I wish that I could give ALL of you the magic cure for this monster. As I read the post I remember to well of the year and 3 months of pure hell!!!! I can't say that it isn't painful to read the post but I know only to well how vital it was to get a response from you all when Bob was fighting this monster. Remembering the questions and fears that I had and you all helped me through. I so wish that I could help everyone here by snapping my figures and everything would go away!!!!

I guess this past week was the straw that broke my back so to speak. Bob's birthday is Monday and these past few weeks with the weather being so beautiful and thinking of what Bob would be doing and knowing that I can't do it all myself no matter how hard I try. I tried to talk to my step kids and they couldn't talk to me as it was to painful. I tried to talk to Bob's brother Erv and he has been very short and to the point. I can tell that he can't talk to me either. My heater went on the fritz Thursday and tried to get it going myself until last night and when I called Erv. He said that he couldn't come up this weekend to fix it. I guessed - No - I lost it after I hung up the phone. I need someone to talk to and there is no one. I am having a melt down and can't stop. I want to run away but there is no where to hide the fact that I am realizing how alone I am going to be. I tried to call the minister that helped me with Bob but no response. Last night I had Bob's pills in my hand and I just wanted to call it quites. I don't know what stopped me. I know that Bob wouldn't want me to do this. I guess that is what did it. Everyone keeps saying that I will get through this. Well, I don't know how. I seem to be getting deeper and deeper in a hole with no way out. I know that I am a stronge person and I am tired of being stronge!!!! It was rainning this morning and all I could do was cry. I got in Bob's van and went down the road and thought about running into a tree to stop feeling but I couldn't put a dent in the his van. I don't want to disappoint him by giving up but that is all I can think about is finding a way out of this. I turned the van around and came home and paced I still have the pills in my pocket and I have to admit it I do want to take them. I have called some of Bob's friends to talk to with no luck. So I thought that if you guys wouldn't mind helping me get through this night maybe tomorrow will be better. I am at the end of my rope and help pull me out from the other side. I am trying so hard to stay a float but am sinking. I could surprise him by being by his side on his birthday. This way we could be together and happy and I wouldn't be afraid anymore or have to be stronge. I would have his arms around me again. I need to be with him!

I want to thank all of you for everything!!!! You have all been super accepting me into your family!! You all will always be in mine!!

Best Wishes and prayers to all of you!!!

Love Always,

Sue

aspaysia

Susan, it has not been very long since you lost your husband. Don't feel bad because you are still grieving. It will be a while before you calm down and can accept all that has happened.
For tonight please put down those pills. Better yet, throw them away somewhere you cannot get at them. Bury them or flush them.
You are feeling desperate and alone but don't give in to blind panic. Go to the nearest emergency room and they will talk you down. That is what they are there for. You can see a doctor or social worker. I wish I could hold your hand in person but I can hold it in spirit.
I have seen many people go through what you are experiencing and they come out on the other side--it takes time and you should take all the time you need.
PS I am e-mailing your personal addy.

CAMaura

Dear Sue,

I think it is time to call your doc or to call the hospital and get a referral for a grief counselor - and I mean NOW. I would really like youto call someone - ouside of your family - and talk with that person. Your tendencies right now are too strong. I am not trying to be preachy - but youneed some outside help.. You do not want to go through this weekend without speaking to someone about your feelings. Please make a call. This is serious.

Love and prayer and hopes that you will contact someone and either see the person or speak with them... If you have to drive to the Emergency Room and speak with a nurse.....do it.

Love, Maura

shmurciakova

Hi Susan-
You need to call the suicide prevention hotline, if you have not already done something. I am not sure where you are, but it might be getting late by now. You should certainly see a counselor too ASAP. Maybe the hotline can make a recommendation or set you up to see someone. There are medications you can take to help relieve this anxiety you are feeling and there are people who can help you.
You are so lucky to be alive and to have your health! You know your husband would be appaled to hear you talking this way. Please think of what you STILL HAVE in your life. It is very difficult to talk to family members about this because they are probably greiving too and cannot really be of much help. Since tomorrow is Sunday, maybe you can just go and talk to your pastor in person - I am sure he will be around and willing to talk to you.
Please do not let these feelings win out! Call the hotline tonight.
-Susan.

2bhealed

((((((((((((((((((((((((((sue))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Honey, is there someone in the yellow pages...a support group.....a hotline......ACS? Anyone? We are here but we are sporadic and we are not a human voice at the end of the line.

Please please seek help. This IS tough. It is horrible. I am so sorry you are going through this. I pray too that some guardian angel will find you soon!!!

peace and love, emily

CAMaura

2bhealed said:

((((((((((((((((((((((((((sue))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Honey, is there someone in the yellow pages...a support group.....a hotline......ACS? Anyone? We are here but we are sporadic and we are not a human voice at the end of the line.

Please please seek help. This IS tough. It is horrible. I am so sorry you are going through this. I pray too that some guardian angel will find you soon!!!

peace and love, emily

Emily - you wrote such a sweet note...I sound like a broken record for Sue to call someone....
Thanks for your compassionate note.
Maura

CAMaura

Sue, Please call someone...and speak of your fears and sadness. We are here.....and we are listening....let us know that you are Okay...
Prayers and love, Maura

tkd3g

1-800-784-2433 This is the number to a national suicide prevention hotline. They are there 24 hours a day.

Sue, please call 911 or this other number. Your pain and sorrow are clouding your thinking right now. Give these people a chance to help you.

I e-mailed you. Please read it.

Love Barb

2bhealed

CAMaura said:

Emily - you wrote such a sweet note...I sound like a broken record for Sue to call someone....
Thanks for your compassionate note.
Maura

thanks maura,

sue has been with us for a long time and we plan on having her with us for a long time more! :-)

peace, emily

bsrules

tkd3g said:

1-800-784-2433 This is the number to a national suicide prevention hotline. They are there 24 hours a day.

Sue, please call 911 or this other number. Your pain and sorrow are clouding your thinking right now. Give these people a chance to help you.

I e-mailed you. Please read it.

Love Barb

Thank You for caring. Susan I know that I am very lucky to be alive. I am ashamed of myself for thinking of enddning things. I know that you guys are fighting for your lives and I want to quit mine. You have to know that Bob was my entire life. I was a lone when I met him over 20 years ago. He saved me and I lived for him. Now he is gone and I have no purpose. Everything I did was for Bob. He was my second skin in every way.We did everything together!!! When I came home from work he was waiting for me with open arms. He missed me during the day as much as I missed him. I've been trying to find a reason for me to be here on this easth and am still looking. I know that Bob's family are grieving but they have there own families to help them through each day. I come home and there is no one here. No phones ringing or people stopping by it is just me. I never thought much of myself. I lost my parents at a very young age and went mental over my mothers death as she was my world then. Then I was a lone and on my own at 16. Then I found Bob in my early 20's. We were best friends!!! I just can't believe that he is gone.

Everyone!!! - I am trying with everything I have to hang on!!! Please - keep fighting this monster so no one has to feel this way!!!!

Sue

alihamilton

Hi Sue, I am reading this the next day and hope you are feeling a little better today. We can all feel your pain and wish there was something we could do to ease it. Your relationship with Bob was so special you are always going to miss him but it does not help that noone in the family can talk about him with you. I agree about getting some counselling. Don't forget that not only have you lost your beloved husband, but you also have had some personal medical scares. It is bound to take a toll on your emotions. You are too precious to us and to this world to leave it now. Keep venting here if it helps but also do talk to someone face to face....let it all out.

Love, Ali

Shandle

bsrules said:

Thank You for caring. Susan I know that I am very lucky to be alive. I am ashamed of myself for thinking of enddning things. I know that you guys are fighting for your lives and I want to quit mine. You have to know that Bob was my entire life. I was a lone when I met him over 20 years ago. He saved me and I lived for him. Now he is gone and I have no purpose. Everything I did was for Bob. He was my second skin in every way.We did everything together!!! When I came home from work he was waiting for me with open arms. He missed me during the day as much as I missed him. I've been trying to find a reason for me to be here on this easth and am still looking. I know that Bob's family are grieving but they have there own families to help them through each day. I come home and there is no one here. No phones ringing or people stopping by it is just me. I never thought much of myself. I lost my parents at a very young age and went mental over my mothers death as she was my world then. Then I was a lone and on my own at 16. Then I found Bob in my early 20's. We were best friends!!! I just can't believe that he is gone.

Everyone!!! - I am trying with everything I have to hang on!!! Please - keep fighting this monster so no one has to feel this way!!!!

Sue

Hi Sue, My heart aches for you..But as others have posted, please seek help to pull you through your grief. We are here, but not in a professional sense that you need. reading your post is scary to me... I am extremely close to my Husband Harold, and he is extremely close to me. I know if this cancer takes my life too soon, he'd be like you. It would be a grief for him beyond words.(and the reverse same) Try to take comfort in the fact that you have shared such a beautiful and deep love not many experience. You spent 20 wonderful years with a man that treasured you. I wish I had the magic words that could soothe your sole, but I don't so I'll pray that God gives you strength and shines his light upon you wraping you up in his arms with all the love he can give. Bless you honey ~ Wanda

rejoyous

Dear Sue,

I truly believe that you will figure out why you are still alive and what you are supposed to be doing here on earth. I even believe that you will find a use for having endured this terrible pain. Take it one moment at a time. And please, flush those pills down the toilet immediately. You don't want them in your house.

Thank you for writing to us and letting us be with you for this. We are NOT sick of hearing from you. We're all in this together.

madu

Hey Sue,

I hope you are feeling better today! My heart really goes out to you - so many wise words have already been said so I don't want to be a broken record. My only suggestion is that maybe you try to do some volunteer work - maybe at a nursing home where so many are abandoned or forgotten - just to get out of the house and focused on something else. The other suggestion is an Oprah one - she did a thing on gratitude a few years back - every day she'd write down 3 things she was grateful for each day - maybe it would help to turn your perspective a little. If all else fails you might consider taking anti-depressants. My sister-in-law and cousin take them and, I know they are not for all, but it really made a difference for them. My sister-in-law especially felt like she was failing somehow for taking them but now says she feels like a 20 year old again - more herself where before she was crying and getting mad over nothing. Otherwise don't feel bad about venting - sometimes it helps to just write it down - kind of like releasing built up steam. Take care and keep us posted.

Heidi

HowardJ

Sue,
I'm reading this the next day and have read all the great advice everyone posted. Sounds like a great deal of caring and support everyone showed.
Please let us know you got through the night ok, and how you're doing today.
Howard

shmurciakova

Hi again,
I am really glad to see that you made it through that horrible night! Now you just have to take it one day at a time. There is no reason for you to feel ashamed for thinking those things. I am sure every one of us has had similar thoughts. I am glad that you turned to the website and that our words may have helped you last night. I still urge you to get professional help. Your step kids should too - but I guess that is their decision. Maybe you could go together? If not, go on your own. Take this opportunity to find the strength that you never had before. I am certain that your husband would be proud to see that you are able to continue and find new purpose in your life! I know you must miss him horribly and I cannot presume to understand what you are going through. My husband is a very introverted person who has a lot of acquaintences, but not that many good friends. So I used to worry what would happen to him if anything were to happen to me, but I don't think about that so much anymore. I know it is hard, but just go outside each day and be thankful for the trees, and the birds and the sun on your face!
Take care,
Susan H.

bsrules

shmurciakova said:

Hi again,
I am really glad to see that you made it through that horrible night! Now you just have to take it one day at a time. There is no reason for you to feel ashamed for thinking those things. I am sure every one of us has had similar thoughts. I am glad that you turned to the website and that our words may have helped you last night. I still urge you to get professional help. Your step kids should too - but I guess that is their decision. Maybe you could go together? If not, go on your own. Take this opportunity to find the strength that you never had before. I am certain that your husband would be proud to see that you are able to continue and find new purpose in your life! I know you must miss him horribly and I cannot presume to understand what you are going through. My husband is a very introverted person who has a lot of acquaintences, but not that many good friends. So I used to worry what would happen to him if anything were to happen to me, but I don't think about that so much anymore. I know it is hard, but just go outside each day and be thankful for the trees, and the birds and the sun on your face!
Take care,
Susan H.

Hello Everyone and Thank You!!! I am holding on by na thread but am still here!! Bob's brother Erv came up to try and get the furnace going. With no Luck!!!! But that is how things are going for me lately. We had a long talk. He told me that he too has had the same feelings. I didn't want to look him in the face when he came up as I knew what it would do to him but he knew right away something was wrong. I told him that I wouldn't do anything stupid as I am trying with everything I have to hold on. He started talking about Bob's car collection and what he thinks we should do and I lost it again. I can even think about getting rid of anything right now. I got mad and told him to do what he wants as I can't think of anything except being alone without Bob. He saw the pills in Bob's van and asked me why they were there and I told him about last night. He took them with him when he left a while ago. I think I am going to take a nap I am so tired. I will check in in a little while.

thank you everyone for listening!!!

Love

Sue

tmd

bsrules said:

Hello Everyone and Thank You!!! I am holding on by na thread but am still here!! Bob's brother Erv came up to try and get the furnace going. With no Luck!!!! But that is how things are going for me lately. We had a long talk. He told me that he too has had the same feelings. I didn't want to look him in the face when he came up as I knew what it would do to him but he knew right away something was wrong. I told him that I wouldn't do anything stupid as I am trying with everything I have to hold on. He started talking about Bob's car collection and what he thinks we should do and I lost it again. I can even think about getting rid of anything right now. I got mad and told him to do what he wants as I can't think of anything except being alone without Bob. He saw the pills in Bob's van and asked me why they were there and I told him about last night. He took them with him when he left a while ago. I think I am going to take a nap I am so tired. I will check in in a little while.

thank you everyone for listening!!!

Love

Sue

Sue,

I have followed this discussion board off annd on.
My wife is still battling colon cancer. She had a liver resection in 03/04. In 3/15/05 it returned in both lungs. She has just finished her third round of chemo. She is doing a pet scan this week.
What I would like to share with you is we have a lot of faith and trust in God. We don`t know what Gods plan is, but I do know my wife is in the best hands with God. I know she would want me to keep living and not giving up. Your husband is at peace with God. Loosing both of my parents( my mom when I was 27 back in 1982 ) , but gets better. You must keep going and keep busy.
I`ll pray for you. God bless

TMD

grandma047

Sue, I feel so bad that I wasn't here when you needed me. You have become such a good friend and just talking to you always cheers me up. You have so much to offer others. I think someone suggested volunteering. I know the pain is really new now, so it would be hard, but there are people out there who have lost someone too and maybe hearing how they deal with it might help. I know the support group was a nightmare. Maybe try calling the American Cancer Society. I just wish I could give you a big hug. Definitely get rid of all those pills. When you're depressed, sometimes you can be compulsive. You don't think before you do something, then it's too late. I won't get in to it, but I know by experience. I love you so much and would really miss you. I know you're angry and that's ok. I would be too. I don't even know how I would feel if I lost my husband, and I hope that if I don't beat this, that he won't give up. I tease him all the time. We are doing some work to the house and I tell him that I better not be fixing it up for some other woman, if I don't make it. He doesn't like when I do this I guess maybe it's my way of dealing with this. Sue email and I will get back to you sooner than posting here. A lot of times I just have time to get on and check my email. Again, I love you and please don't do anything. Bob wants you to go on.
Love and prayers, Judy