I'm tired of 'poor me'

candikup

In the past three years, I have had 2 bouts of breast cancer. Lumps
removed, radiation, tamoxifin, lousy white blood cell count, misshapened
boobs, and the whole nine yards. 6 months before the first diagnosis, my
beloved husband passed away from a massive heart attack. I was reeling
from the loss of my husband, when the doctors said I had cancer. My
thought was "one more crap thing to get through". Now that I AM through
it, I cry alot, and read these stories from people who say what a life
changing experience cancer was for them. I want to feel that way too, but
don't seem able to. I would LOVE to feel alive again, but seem to be stuck
in 'poor me' mode. Is there anyone in the cancer network that can help me?
Please don't recommend counceling, I live in a VERY small town, and the
closeest city is around 3 hours away. Not an option, I have to work.

jenramos

hello,
I feel some of your pain, but luckily my husband survived his heart condition. He had 9 bypasses back in May/04. Doctors say it was a miricle that he is alive. I have been battling breast cancer for 3 years as well. I am still fighting, but now am losing. I wish I could tell you something that would make you feel better, but the bottom line is what you have been through stinks, and only time will help you deal with it. I know what I always do, I try and remind myself that there is always someone who has been through something worse than what I am going through. I also have 2 young children, so they help me stay focused on enjoying what time I have left. If I let myself think of everything that has gone wrong for my instead of what has gone right, I think I would be gone already. Only you can change your attitude.

Jennifer

hankscrw

candikup,
I think you may still be in a grieving mode of the lose of your husband. Cancer is a TOUGH thing to go through. I know that networks like this chat line is a very good way to know that "You're not the only one feeling this way" I find that there is someone out there with very good advise, experience or knowledge about life and cancer. I'm sorry that you have had to go through this alone. IT is TOUGH!! If you can find a support group, even the internet to be able to express what your feeling is a great thing. If not, write down your feelings and keeping a journal may help. I know I feel better when I write it out. Just a thought. Jean

inkblot

Hi:

You have certainly been through a lot in a short period of time and my heart goes out to you.

You say that you are tired of "poor me". What are you proactively doing about it and what are you willing to do to help yourself?

You said that you live in a very small town and that counseling is not an option. To my knowledge, there is no place so remote that not even a Licensed Clinical Social Worker serves it.
People living in your community still have needs which must be served. A state welfare rep. surely must be available on some level, if nothing else, to serve the needs of women/children/families in crisis. I feel confident that if you contact your insurance company, you will find a starting point, toward counseling, which will accommodate your work schedule in some fashion. This is your life and your emotional welfare is on the line and it's no time to bow to barriers, real or imagined. Just my opinion.

You can also begin to help yourself, by reading. There are some wonderful books out there which can inspire and shine some light into the darkness and confusion. I personally enjoyed a book by Dr. Bernie Siegel, titled: How To Live Between Office Visits. It offers a great start, with a light hearted yet serious approach to recovery. Not just for bc but for many of the other stones (or boulders) life can roll onto our path.

Another good resource is Dr. Wayne Dyer. He offers a good philosophy and a good approach to finding peace.

You may also benefit from some quiet time with a focus on relaxation. Sometimes, the noise of life is just too loud and we can't hear ourselves think and we cannot hear our spirits speak to us.
I am not religious but can tell you that nurturing my spirit is of paramount importance to me. You must seek and find that which works for yourself. Trial and error. Take some nice, long soaks. Light a candle or two and just relax into watching as the flames dance and create patterns for your pleasure. If you can meditate, then MEDITATE often. Maybe try a bit of Yoga. You can purchase some really good tapes for learning it through many sources, including online. Check it all out and begin to create a plan for yourself which is conducive to relaxing, which I believe is the first step in our progress and recovery.

Remember to value yourself and your life. Not the "things" in your life, but the love and caring in your life...the things you have to give. Think of the things you like most about yourself and begin to grow those things to even better levels. Get a new hairstyle or colour your hair. Whatever appeals to you, do it. At least once. Otherwise you'll never know how much may have brightened your life or someone else's. We can't know how well things fit unless we take the time to try them on.

Mostly, love yourself. Eat properly, exercise and take the best care possible of your body, remembering that the better shape our bodies are in the better prepared we are to address other issues in our lives. Eating and resting well are very important elements in rebuilding ourselves. Have a thorough physical and if any deficiencies are noted, then speak with a nutritionist and get them addressed with proper diet and/or supplements. Our physical condition effects our emotional condition more than most of us realize, I think. So pay attention to your WHOLE self. Taking care not to neglect any one part.

Aside from arranging some initial counseling, that's my thoughts on how to begin healing. The counseling can help you to get your legs under you, so to speak, and the rest (and best) will happen with your commitment and dedication to finding perspective and healing.

Life can seem mean and even seem to be picking on us sometimes and it's easy to get down but once we can fight back and start to put our energy into positive pursuits which can help us, we choose to place ourselves in control of the only thing we really can control in this life...OUR RESPONSE TO WHAT HAPPENS TO US.

You're worth the effort and owe this to yourself. Believe that.

Sending best wishes and hoping you will find brighter days ahead.

Love, light and laughter,
Ink

tlmac

Any cancer diagnosis stinks. You've faced it twice and lost your husband in the middle of everything. It's natural to feel the way you do. Perhaps you're expecting too much too soon. When I say cancer has changed my perspective, I only mean that I wake up every morning now thanking God I'm still breathing. I appreciate the laughter and thoughtfulness of friends more. I take nothing for granted. I act upon my wishes rather than procrastinating because the truth is I don't know how much longer I'll be around to get things done. Maybe you were always a positive thinker, appreciative and proactive. The truth is, I wasn't. Despite everything I've lost, I'm not ready to die and I don't want to waste a minute that I have left dwelling on that reality. Instead of looking for people to help you, perhaps you could involve yourself in volunteering for those worse off. Nothing like a good dose of reality to help us realize how lucky we are. There are nursing homes with people who never get company, children's homes with no one to read stories, hospitals filled with people who would give anything to be healthy enough to go home. Good luck.
terri

Tigger35

I am very sorry for the loss of your husband, especially at a time when you need someone so dearly. I too have gone through the same feelings you have about your cancer, especially after having it twice. After my first cancer I was so happy to have survived and was getting on with my life, or so I thought. In less then 2 years from my first round of chemo I was facing getting in that dreaded chair again to fight the second cancer. I too was on Tamoxifen and I didn't do well on it so we stopped after almost 4 years of taking it. I took 2 years of Lupron shots. My battle just ended in Sept. 2004 after starting it in Jan. 1998. It has been a long fight and a terrible drain on my family, especially the kids, they're still school age. I do feel a sense of being different because of everything I have been through, but I don't feel the way other people describe themselves. I am having trouble moving forward with my life after being the cancer patient for so long. I just take one day at a time and I do also take a drug called Celexa to help me through the sad moments. It hasn't made me feel strange like Paxil did. If I think about everything I have been through I feel a bit overwhelmed and there are days when I'd rather stay in bed, but people depend on me to get up and be productive. I just keep telling myself it will get easier with time. I don't know if my babbling has helped, I do understand the battle well. I came here for the same reason you are here. I am new here too.

1tan

Hello,
Pray. Pray. Pray. I knpw this sounds like a cliche but God is truly the answer. If you lean and trust in Him and ask Him, God will see you through this time. I lost my brother in 2002, then my job later that same year, my marriage just months later, and then found a part time job with no benefits to finally be told that I have breast cancer 4 months later. It was a nightmare that seemed to never go away. Imagine needing treatment for a broken heart, death of a brother and cancer with no medical insurance. BUT GOD! Only God has walked through this with me and is still walking through this with me. I have to have a mast. in April and radiation afer I heal from that surgery. I am having a bilateral mastectomy and I am raising a 10 year in the process. It's challenging and sometimes I want to cry "poor me" BUT GOD. Email me @1tan@charter.net if you ever want me to pray with you.