Hello Everyone!!! I'm trying!!

bsrules Member Posts: 296
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
Hello Everyone!!!! I am sorry that I haven't been around lately!! I just haven't been to positive lately. I received an email from a special friend and he said to post. So it took a while but here I am.

I have thought of all of you all the time and just think about everything you guys have done for us in the past and I owe you guys to try and get back online and deal with things. It is rough reading some of the post as they bring back so many memories. Both good and bad. I guess I think I was running away from things. I still sometime think that Bob is on a trip and that he will come back home. I know I sound crazy. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy. Last weekend I striped the front room to clean it since it was about a year since I could move anything. It wasn't hard moving everything out but it has been very hard putting things back in as I know Bob will not be using his favorite room anymore. I guess I was thinking the old way as I used to empty the room out once a year to scrub and put things back as normal but now I know it is not going to be normal ever again. Bob's brother Erv came up yesterday to look at a plumbing problem I have and he wanted tohelp me put the room back together and I told him no as I had to do it myself even if it takes me months. I am having the same problem with the Christmas stuff I took everything down and took upstairs but to this day haven't put it away. Probably for the same reason. I guess this is some of the reason why I haven't been able to post as things will never be normal or the old way they were for me again. I started back to work last week not because I wanted to I had to. I told myself that that was want Bob would of wanted. So I jumped back in had some rough days but am getting through them. I had to leave my safty zone and get out. I hate coming home not because of Bob but just because reality hits knowing that he won't be there. I have been adding to the water table alot like we haven't had enough rain. I know I have to get through this and go on but I haven't a clue as to how to do it. Bob has been gone for 3 weeks now and it feels like it is the day of his passing. Erv turned out the Christmas lights on the shed as he had to due to popping a fuse using the sewere machine. I felt my heart sink. I knew they were going to have to go off sooner or later but I never thought that I would feel the way I did. I did leave them off but I kept the house lit up. I guess I am waiting for all the bulbs to burn out. I don't know.

I'm sorry as I just realized that I have been running away with my thoughts not thinking about you guys. That is how things have been.

Please everyone keep fighting this monster with everything you have as Bob did!!!!! I pray for everyone to have to strength to get through one day at a time and live life to the fullest!!!!

I have only one favor to ask you ALL!!!! Bob's brother is finally going to the gastroligist to set up for his test. Please say a pray for him and selfishly me for him to be clean!!!! I don't think that I or our family could handle it if there was something wrong with him!!!! Please pray for us!!!!I am going to have to go also someday but right now I am frozen in fear as I am alone now and I have no insurance. But the fear is number one!!!! Not of the test or what is involved but for the results. I don't think that I could handle anymore right now.

Thank You everyone for all of your support and prayers!!!!

My Best Wishes and Prayers to all of you!!!!




  • Btrcup
    Btrcup Member Posts: 286
    Hi Sue, I'm glad to hear from you as I'm sure everyone else will be. Here is a big hug ((((((((((SUE)))))))). I know you have probably heard this a million times, but time will make things get better. I can't imagine what you are going through, but just remember everyone is here for you.

    Linda (Baltimore) formerly a jersey girl!
  • fedester
    fedester Member Posts: 753 Member
    hi sue,
    it is great to hear from you. we have all missed you. time will heal and things will get better. you and bob have been in all our prayers and thoughts. please come and post your other family wants to know how you are doing.
    all the best

    bruce ( bergen county guy)
  • alihamilton
    alihamilton Member Posts: 347 Member
    Hi Sue, I am glad you posted again....it sounds like you are going through all the usual stages of loss. Time will help but we are all thinking of you in these early stages of grief. Be kind to yourself....try and pamper yourself a bit....you were such a wonderful support to Bob and he would want you to concentrate on yourself now...you deserve it.

    Love, Ali
  • spongebob
    spongebob Member Posts: 2,565 Member
    Sue -

    Hang in there. We're always here for you.

    Keeping you and Erv in my prayers.

    - SpongeBob
  • grandma047
    grandma047 Member Posts: 381
    Hi Sue, I just wrote you an email. Thanks for sending me the nice email, even when you are going through all that you are. You were there for Bob. Now, be there for you. I'm sure you miss him terribly. I will be praying for Bob's brother too. Also, I know you're scared to have a colonoscopy, but you know you need to. You don't want anyone, even yourself, to go through what Bob went through, I know. I love you and I'm so glad that you're still posting. I would miss you.
    Love, Judy
  • taunya
    taunya Member Posts: 390 Member
    Dear Sue,
    I was thinking of you as I pulled up this page on my computer. I am so glad you posted. I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time! I would much rather hear about it than wonder if you are o.k.! Hang in there. It will be tough for sure, but you can get through this even though it seemd as though you cannot. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please try to check in once in a while and let us know how you are.
  • kangatoo
    kangatoo Member Posts: 2,105 Member
    taunya said:

    Dear Sue,
    I was thinking of you as I pulled up this page on my computer. I am so glad you posted. I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time! I would much rather hear about it than wonder if you are o.k.! Hang in there. It will be tough for sure, but you can get through this even though it seemd as though you cannot. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please try to check in once in a while and let us know how you are.

    Dear Sue. I am glad you have been able to come back to us and know that it must be so difficult. Think of all the good you can do here sweetie. No matter how hard things are there will always be time here for you to talk about Bob. For the moment you have the courage and willpower just to be able to be here with your many friends. Jen and I have you (sincerely) in our thoughts. There is a time to be silent and have "time" to yourself to reflect....but there is also time to share your thoughts with others...when you need to. You choose the time babe...we will always be here.
    luv always...Ross and Jen
  • MJay
    MJay Member Posts: 132
    Dear Sue~ Never apologize for any email you write. Don't ever feel bad if you can't be positive. We are just so glad to hear from you.

    You do things in your own sweet time. When you are ready to take down the light... you will. When you are ready to put the front room back together... you will. If you want to cry... then do it. If you want to laugh... find a way.

    It's all about you right now. Don't forget that. For so long it has been about Bob... now it is your turn. He would want it that way.

  • StacyGleaso
    StacyGleaso Member Posts: 1,233 Member
    I was so happy to see a post from you...and quite a nice lengthy one at that! You just work everything at YOUR own pace. Be mad if you need to be, be sad if you need to be. Think of all the wonderful things you and Bob shared, and let those forever be etched on your heart. You are such a brave woman, even though sometimes it may not seem that way to you. There is nothing wrong with wanting to change things from the way you knew Bob would remember them. It's ok. In a weird way, he is very much still with you.

    Please know that we are all here for you...whether you just stop by to read and laugh occasionally, or actually post a message.

    Take care,
  • 2bhealed
    2bhealed Member Posts: 2,064 Member

    hey honey--you don't have to think of us at a time like this. You need to think of you getting through each day. It's only been three weeks. I tell ya it took me three YEARS to feel like I was finally waking up from my surreal life after my sister died. I can't imagine what it would be like to mourn the death of a life partner. Give yourself a lot of time. (I'm not kidding about it taking three years).

    Know we are still thinking of you too. If you didn't post I was going to email you today to check in. Glad to see this was here this morning when I logged on.

    Remember there is no prerequisite of being positive to come here and visit. All emotions are welcome regardless of color....


    peace, emily
  • jana11
    jana11 Member Posts: 705
    Sue, you are an amazing person. Don't feel bad about coming here... you did us a favor by coming to update us. We all missed you and have been worried. I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with everyone, all your emotions are normal. Allow yourself to heal at your own pace, but make sure to get help for yourself now. Bob is so fortunate to have you. You were both lucky to have found each other and loved each other so much.
    Try to make a special effort to be good to yourself. Please come here anytime - good/bad, ugly/beautiful. you are always welcome.
    Those of us with this terrible disease can only hope our partners/caregivers will be as wonderful as you are.
    Thanks again for sharing with us.
    You and Bob will remain with us.... in our thoughts and prayers.
  • oneagleswings
    oneagleswings Member Posts: 425 Member
    Sue: I am fairly new to the board. My spouse is "slaying the dragon" and when I read your past posts they are truly an inspiration to me.
    Be gentle with yourself and the grieving process-

    Have you read this poem before?

    Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room. Whatever we were to each other that we are still.

    Call me by my old familiar name. Speak to me in the easy way which you always used. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

    Play. Smile. Think of me. Pray for me.

    Let my name be the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effort. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was. There is absolutely unbroken continuity.

    Why should I be out of your mind becasue I am out of your sight. I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner. All is well. Nothing is past. Nothing is lost. One brief moment and all will be as it was before- only better, infinitely happier and for ever. We will be one together for all eternity."
    Thinking of you Sue.