Hello!! Lonely!!!

bsrules Member Posts: 296
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
Hello everyone!!!! I want to thank everyone for there kind words and support!!!! Sponge Bob I want to thank you for the beautiful poem I was so touch by it that we had it read at Bob's service yesterday. I went to sleep that night with the poem in my head and then another line came to me which I added:
Celeberate my life with Laughter and Cheer

With wind in your hair,a car and a beer.

I don't know if it made any sence but it so sounded like Bob!!!

It has been a rough few days and today was so quite that I thought I was going to go mad. I kept busy this morning but as night fell I found myself sitting here dreading the evening. I thought that I would come on line and drop you guys a line or two. I am holding on but am very lonely. I feel like I am in this big hole and can't find my way out. I am just going through the motions. I have a lot to do getting Bob's business closed by the end of the year and it is getting harder and harder to deal with things. I am so worried aobut doing something wrong as my mind isn't there. You know how the goverment is if you make a mistake they hang you high for years trying to get it straightened out.

The phone was even quiet today. I forgot how quiet it was here in the country. I used to love it but now I can't stand it. I don't know how I am going to get through this. I don't have anything left to get myself out of this big hole I am in. Bob was always there to help me out but now I am alone and acared to death. I hate to admit that but I am!!! I can't bring myself to go into the room where Bob passed. I just come in the door and almost close my eyes to get through the room to get into the rest of the house. I know that I must sound crazy I don't know what to do to get through this. I miss him so much!!! I am afraid to go to bed at night. I don't dream when I do sleep and that scares me as I need to dream about him. I need to see his face and hear his voice. I'm sorry I am going off the deep end right now and am trying to catch myself.

I'm sorry!!! You guys have so much to worry about yourselves and you don't need me upsetting you. I am sorry that I haven't been able to read the post as they are right now to painful. It bring everything back ten fold. All I can do is pray for all of you and that one day they will find a cure for this so no one has to go through what I am going through right now because of this monster!!!

Again, Thank You ALL for all of you kind words and support!!!!

My prayers to ALL of you!!!!



  • alihamilton
    alihamilton Member Posts: 347 Member
    My dear Sue,

    Firstly, don't be sorry for venting your pain....that is what we are here for on this board...to help others through their difficult time. At the moment, you are going through the WORST time and no wonder you are feeling so down. I am a bit concerned that you seem not to have anyone to help you deal with the practical issues. Having stuff to do can actually help you somewhat but it would be better if someone was also going through it all with you. It is an awful lot to take on alone.

    I can imagine your loneliness....you and Bob were as one, and you are bound to feel his loss terribly. Again, is there noone with whom you feel comfortable to share this time, or at least, part of the time?

    I hope you will come to the board as often as you need to for support or whatever we can give you. I am sure everyone, like me, would love to be able to take away your pain. All we can do is listen, support, love and pray for you that time will help to heal your pain.


  • spongebob
    spongebob Member Posts: 2,565 Member
    Sue -

    We're right here for you - just like always. You're expected to sort of go off the deep end right now. It's normal and it's aomething that you'll have to do eventually. Any time you want someone to listen or talk, we're here for you.

    I am so touched that you read that poem at Bob's service. I laughed out loud when I read you addendum. Don't worry about not seeing Bob in your dreams right now - you are probably too physically and emotionally drained and you probably drop into a deep sleep in a matter of seconds when you do finally lay down.

    Time is the great healer. You memories will be with you forever. And you know what? I suspect when you sit on "his" couch (I remember when he was sleeping there regularly), his presence will be sitting right there with you.

    I think focusing on the business right now is a good thing - maybe get some clerical help or an accountant to help you out if you can to help you stay focused and make sure you hit all the check marks. The take care of yourself. You have been through the mill for the past year. Be kind to yourself.

    Know that once a semi-colon; always a semi-colon. We're your friends and we're right here for you.

    Be well, Sue...

    - SpongeBob
  • scouty
    scouty Member Posts: 1,965 Member

    You are truly amazing. You are probably one of the bravest people I have ever met. You keep on posting to us and just being. Your body need some down time and you do need to sort some of this out. Do what you have to do by 12/31 and then wait till tax time to do the rest. BUT, mostly, take care of you and let yourself grieve. You were an awesome wife, lover and friend to Bob and you will soon get some signs from him that tell you that. He would want the best for you so let the wind blow thru your hair in a very snappy car with an open beer in your hand!!!!!!! You don't even have to drink the beer.

    Hugs and kisses from North Carolina dear!!!!!!

    Lisa P.
  • Fitlisa
    Fitlisa Member Posts: 99

    My heart just breaks for you..how I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug, cry with you, just be with you. .

    You have been such an inspiration to all of us survivors and caregivers alike. Please know that we are always here for you, damn, I feel so helpless right now Sue, I really do.

    If you ever need anything, a voice to talk to, someone to just be there, please email me and we can talk on the phone, anything. anything.

    I hate this bloody disease!!!!!!

    Please know and believe that I and everyone else are here for you and hurting right along with you for your loss.

    feeling so damned helpless right now!
  • StacyGleaso
    StacyGleaso Member Posts: 1,233 Member

    Just because your connection to this group has been altered your invitation to come here has not been revoked! We have all learned so much from you. Quite honestly, if everybody could have the same relationship that you and Bob had, the world would be a much better place. Soul mates could lose each other physically, but the emotional connection will never leave. What is most important right now is for you to take care of yourself. The phone will ring less, but don't think of it as people not caring.

    We are all still here for you!

  • Btrcup
    Btrcup Member Posts: 286
    ((((((((Sue))))))), I wish I could give you a big hug in person. Words cannot begin to calm your fears, but please remember we are always here for you. I am originally from NJ (the Newark area) and wish I still lived there so I could maybe visit you and help you get through this. Stay strong and in time, your pain will ease.

    Happy New Year and may 2005 bring you some happiness in your life.

    Linda (Baltimore)
  • Kanort
    Kanort Member Posts: 1,272 Member
    Dear Sue,

    I'm so sorry I missed your post about Bob. My deepest condolences go out to you, a wonderful caregiver and wife. How brave of you to read the poem at his service.

    My husband died eight years ago at this time of year. Time does make things more bearable. However, I still have never listened to tapes of his voice that I have. I think about listening to them, but just never have the courage.

    Please know that we are all here for you.


  • aspaysia
    aspaysia Member Posts: 250
    Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,
    Tears from the depth of some divine despair
    Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes,
    In looking on the happy autumn fields,
    And thinking of the days that are no more.
    Alfred, Lord Tennyson
  • kangatoo
    kangatoo Member Posts: 2,105 Member
    aspaysia said:

    Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,
    Tears from the depth of some divine despair
    Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes,
    In looking on the happy autumn fields,
    And thinking of the days that are no more.
    Alfred, Lord Tennyson

    We can't be with you in your time of need sweetie but you know that as a wonderfull friend we have you in our minds and our hearts.
    All our love, Ross and Jen
  • 2bhealed
    2bhealed Member Posts: 2,064 Member

    Hi honey. I am so glad you came to visit. We are here you know that.

    I hope in the days ahead you will find moments of relief....even some comic relief.

    There are no words I can think of to bring you true comfort except that you are loved here and if all you need some days is to come here and be wrapped in that love then do come for the hugs....and kanga's rainbows. :-)

    You are in my prayers.

    peace, emily
  • taunya
    taunya Member Posts: 390 Member
    Hello Sue,
    I wish I had read this earlier! I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time. You can come to Maine and stay with us any time you want to. Sometimes it is just good to know you have somewhere to go. You do. You are so brave and so dear. This is going to be hard but you can get through it. You did so much for Bob, If there is anything I can do to help, please don't hesitate to ask.
    Love and Hugs,