Being tolerated

Earthwoman

I've been reading the discussion threads on depression . . . because that's my immediate concern. I've had the lumpectomy, chemo, and am finishing up radiation pretty soon. What haunts me is this worthlessness, aimlessness, teary thing. I'm so fragile, and I think people around me are just putting up with me. Now when I finish the radiation they'll surely expect me to snap out of it and won't even tolerate me anymore! Tell you the truth, I don't tolerate myself! I feel like I'm just a stone in people's shoes. I'm straining to be productive and upbeat, but I just don't carry it off. I see by the postings that I have a lot of company. Have you guys "snapped out of it" yet? What are my prospects? I'm already taking Effexor and seeing a shrink. Funny how I pull it together when I visit him and everything's hunkie dory. A couple days later . . .schplatt.

seeknpeace

Hi,

I agree that you are where a lot of us are. When I look back, after I had my bilateral mastectomy with tram immed after, one of my daughters was sitting with me at night as my spouse worked second shift. After four weeks she was upset with me for still laying around. I was so hurt, and so out of it, that I told her that I was fine and to not come back. She had started a new relationship and wanted to be with him in the evenings. I felt useless and like a baby and all that. But, what I found out was that I was severely anemic and there was a reason that I was not "snapping out of it". It is cruel and unfair when anyone makes you feel like you are a burden to them. So many ppl have the attitude that you can just snap out of it, you can just walk three miles a day and it cures all. And, it does help, but, if you have fallen into clinical depression and the effexor is not helping, you need to ask to switch to another med.

I, too, sought out counselling and I totally understand the part about feeling like you are ok on psych day. I knew no way to tell them the torture that I went through.

It is hard to reach out to a support group too sometimes. I have heard a lot of ppl talk about it making them feel worse. It would depend on what happens at the group I think. We have a lady who is a bc survivor here and she does a function the third Friday of every month called "Feel Good Friday". Ppl volunteer and come in and give you manicures, pedicures, massages, teach you to use scarves, serve wonderful food, give you hair cuts and a lot more from 9 to 3. It is for survivors, their families and caretakers and friends. Unlimited. And, I get more positive reinforcement there than anywhere else.

I know that this may not help you a lot but, I just wanted to say that I understand and that you are not alone and another thing that helped me a ton is this site. The others were less formed, or helpful or something. I get more information and support here than anywhere. Please stay on board and let it go here when you need to. You can come here at two in the morning or whenever you need to vent or cry. I will never forget the days between dx and surgery and being so scared. I called that Y Me hotline that is provided by Life Time, and there was no one to talk to. It was like 8 in the evening and the operator put me on hold over and over and was about to cry herself. She could not find one person and I was all to hell. I love this site. They are always here.

God Bless...Jan

inkblot

Hi Earthwoman:

Well, as Jan said, you're where many of us have been (or currently are) and you're not alone. I'm hoping that may bring some comfort. Just to understand that yes, we do improve, with time and effort, taking good care of ourselves, having patience with ourselves and others in our lives and learning to put our well being first. That's new territory for many of us and can feel alien.

Sometimes, we just need to let the emotional pain of having cancer wash over us. Like a river, it must run its course, to a degree, and hiding from it or trying to find a "quick fix" seldom helps much. What I'm trying to convey here is that the only way past our pain is through it. Not around it, not under it or over it. Remember that often times, people want and need us to "feel better", so they can feel better.

It's miserable in many ways and messes with our emotions, like little else we've experienced before. It's new and uncharted waters for us so we must find new methods of coping, new ways of thinking even, in order to find our solid emotional ground wherein we can find healing, peace and a healthy perspective. Healing must involve our feeling many things: grieveing, sadness, tremendous fears, anger, frustration,
fatigue, depression, and even a bit of self pity and "why me" episodes. With our diagnosis, we are rudely snatched into a world of madness really. Many questions with few if any solid answers. We don't know where to turn or what to do and we're afraid of everything in that murky world of cancer treatment. With good reason too! You gotta love those people who look at us as strong! Little do they know. We're not always strong. What we do is struggle through the maze of it, just trying to put one foot in front of the other, making the choices which are right for us and hoping for the best outcome. It's sort of like the black box theory: Someone asks us to place our hand into an opening in a box, with strange and scary sounds coming from it. We don't know what's in there or what will happen but with cancer, it's not a game anymore...it's the real deal, so we've no choice...we place our hand into that box while trying to keep at least one foot grounded, so it doesn't suck us in completely. Now that is courageous. It isn't necessarily strong but it's downright brave and so I think that's our claim to fame. We're all courageous and we all know that bravery is only real bravery, when one is shaking like a leaf with fear, but does a thing anyway, because it must be done and is the right thing to do. Since we're all brave, (in my opinion, anyway)then we KNOW we have that to help us, as we begin our emotional recovery, if nothing else. It's a bravery hard won and valuable.

Believe in yourself, because after where you've been, you can trust yourself now, probably more than ever before in your life. You know that you can do this. You know that you WILL get from point A to point B. Didn't you do that before?
And that brighter days are waiting for you to embrace them. On your own schedule and in your own time. Our healing comes not like a bolt of lightening but more like a Sunday drive...we get there when we get there. For me, healing and growing came in small stages and continues still. If you believe in yourself and if you can see where you want to go, you WILL get there.

I don't believe there is any such thing as "snapping out of it". More like "crawling and clawing" our way out of it. While most of us heal well, physically, the emotional healing doesn't come so easily. And while counseling can be tremendously helpful (in giving us the tools needed, so that we may help ourselves), understanding is something we can only find in those who have been there. An m.d. or mental health professional can sit and listen and nod and respond, but they are often clueless as to how we feel or what we're experiencing. Feeling understood and knowing we're not alone in how we feel, is very important, I think, on our road to recovery. It can be our first real assurance that we're not, after all, nuts, we're not wrong, not strange, not being a whiner and that we're actually just "normal" within our turmoil, upset and fears. We come to understand, through support from our sisters, that it's ok to cry, ok to not know which end is up some days. The fact that tomorrow is another day is something we memorize and burn into our psyche's, because some days, that thought may be all we have to get us through. At sites like this one, we bring and receive love and support, through a unique understanding, which is comforting and uplifting and it can help get us through our darkest days and hours while encouraging us to strive toward that next day, knowing that the new dawn can bring wonderful surprises and new avenues to explore on our journey out of cancer. (Maybe we should put our heads together and write a book, entitled, what else??? "Out of Cancer" LOL) But seriously, we each must work to find our way out and on to peace. We're all grateful to just be here, but our quality of life still matters greatly. WE matter very much!

Have faith, Earthwoman, because you will find your best path to full emotional recovery. You will rebuild your self esteem and realize your own VALUE and honor it. As regards those whom you feel are "just putting up with you": Maybe consider telling them that they're going to need to keep doing it until you again feel "healed" (by your own definition, not theirs)! I'm sure that they love you very much but they cannot understand what's going on inside of you, so be patient with them while guiding them toward respecting where you are right now, as you try to be patient with and respectful of their side of the fence and the perspective that goes with it. Keeping in mind that relationships change with time and mileage. Often wonderfully so! Other times not so great. Remember that you're in the drivers seat on this. You MUST be, because no one can do it for us. You must attend to YOU right now and simply need; from family, friends and loved ones, space to do that, without criticism or reprimand. You will find a new and likely an even better you. Because you love your life, you love yourself, you have so much to give and simply put, because you're worth it! Be patient and know that it's all ok and takes time.
Don't put undue pressure on yourself and take it one day at a time.

Just my perspective, for what it's worth and I hope it may be helpful to you.

Love, light and laughter,
Ink

wildangel

Believe it or not things WILL get better. I felt exactly like you. But you have to remember that you have been fighting a TREMENDOUS BATTLE! You are physically, emotionally and psychologicaly spent! You have been the brave warrior but inside all you want to do is crawl in a hole.

Once you realize that you are finally DONE with this crap and you don't have a doctor's appointment this week or the next you will start to feel like you again.
And only worry about you. Screw everyone else. YOU had cancer. They can wait for you to feel better. AND YOU WILL. I PROMISE!!!

Angela

Unknown

Hang in there honey, it WILL get better. Don't worry about what other people think - unless they've had bc themselves they have no clue about how confusing, depressing, and just plain frustrating cancer can be; nor do they realize how much pain they cause. Some people are just ignorant, so blow them off and keep putting one foot ahead of the other and take one day at a time (today is about the only thing we can cope with anyway), and you will find the light at the end of the tunnel.
Clara

hummingbyrd

I like what Angela said, "Screw everybody else you are the one who just went through this!" I love it! Only other suggestion I can make is to keep a journal on how you are feeling. It may help clarify things for you and you can take it to your psych and give him/her insight to how you generally feel.
Lots of love,
hummingbyrd

emiliasdance

My sister ruined her relationship with me by yelling at me seven days after my mastectomy and reconstruction because she thought I should just "snap out of it". We have been told we have a life threghtening disease and gone through long painful and dibilitating treatments to get well. We don't need feel like we are a problem because of that. You didn't do anything to deserve this treatment. You will get better and get stronger. It does take time. Hopefully your daughter and my sister will never have the ocassion to understand where we are at.