vac Member Posts: 97
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
i don't know what to do. i have a 21 year old daughter. to me she is the greatest.she was there for me 2 years ago when i was diagnose with breast cancer and last year for my stem cel trnsplant. she met a guy over a year ago he does not work or go to school. he is a screw up!!!!and is bringing my daughter down. she loves him!!!!and pays for everything. she is smart pretty and has a great personality. i found out today she dropped one of her classes for school. i am soo disappointed in her she never told me. she has to go to school to keep my insurance, she has medical needs she is a diabetic. i have a great insurance i work for the hospital. i don't know what to do i love her sooo much and i think she is giving up for this boy. her first boyfriend. i tried to like we invited him over to the house. but my dad passed away 2 months ago he called her and cussed her out because she did not give him money and did not leave him the car. we were at my dad's funeral. that did it for me. please help i am going crazy. thanks


  • DeeNY711
    DeeNY711 Member Posts: 476 Member
    Your post struck a chord since I do recall asking one of my sisters what kind of a *$#@head would yell at our youngest sibling over the phone on the day of our mother's funeral when her boyfriend found out that he was the one who would have to pick up his own 3 kids that day after school since she would not be back in time. They eventually married. Since we were her Godparents, my husband and I gave her a very generous wedding gift. She called another sister, crying that her new husband had taken it and paid off some of his old bills with it.

    At some point, you have to recognize that we are speaking about adults who will make good choices and bad choices. Your role changes from that of loving intervention to that of loving non-intervention. In our case, we also must draw the line when their upheaval is having a negative effect on our own fragile balance.

    There is a theory that the bigger the fuss you make, the more likely it is that your daughter will accelerate the relationship in defensive response. My own opinion is that since you are the one who will have to live with the consequences of your choice, you should be the one to pick your response. You are certainly not alone in this boat.
  • SusanAnne
    SusanAnne Member Posts: 245
    My suggestion to you is to write your daughter a letter. Tell her what your hopes and dreams are for her and how much you love her. Do not mention one word about her "boyfriend". Take your time in writing it. Once written, put it away for a few days then take it out and reread it to make sure it says everything you want it to say in a loving and caring way.

    Denise is right, the harder you push your daughter to end things with the guy, the more likely you will push them together. You can not control their actions but you can certainly control yours. It can't be easy watching your daughter in this situation, but do remember that she is an adult and is responsible for her own actions. Bite your tongue if you have to but it sounds like she is going to have to learn this lesson on her own. Hopefully she will surprise you and learn it sooner rather than later. She will be in my thoughts.

  • seeknpeace
    seeknpeace Member Posts: 259
    I am so sorry for your distress and have been through something similar.

    One of my daughters was involved with an abusive man a few years ago. He beat her and he tore her down emotionally. Brow beat her to death and she just got skinny and more under his control. I made my mind up that while I knew that I could not stop it, I was always going to be accessible to her. If I cussed him out or intervened, I would push her to him and he would insist that I get out of their life. So, I bidded my time. I helped them move, I sat across the table from him at a couple dinners, and I hated him. But, when it all fell apart, when she finally started wanting something different, it was to me that she came and she has told me several times since that she will never forget that I did that. All her sisters and her dad could not abide him, so they left her also.

    So, I guess what I am saying is that each situation is different, but, one thing that I encourage is to keep yourself available to her. She is gonna need you really badly one day. I have no idea why females do that to themselves. I had the rotten boyfriend in my youth too.

    Good luck and God bless...