Losing a parent

Jessalyn

I lost my mother almost 8 months ago to cholangiocarcinoma (bile duct cancer). I was hoping to find someone to talk to here. Today has just been awful. It hurts, and I miss her. It seems like there's no "normal" anymore ... like we're all waiting for something. Waiting for things to get back to normal, I guess. Its still so hard to really believe that she's not coming back. She's not on vacation...she's not at work...she's not coming down the hallway or standing in the kitchen - not ever. It still just doesn't seem real...

luvmykat

First let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I can really understand how you are feeling. I lost my mother to head and neck cancer this past July, my father the September before that (not to cancer) and my husband to cancer this past Christmas. It is very hard to deal with for a while, but it does get better. At first every day is almost impossible to get through and then you will have a few good days before another bad one. Know that you can still talk to her and she is still with you, just not in the usual way. I still have conversations with my mom and my husband. As for things getting back to normal, what is that? I am not so sure I remember that anymore, it has been so long since I had normalcy in my life. But, I can assure you the pain does start to dull down somewhat, I dont know if it ever goes entirely away, probably not as long as we have our memories, but that is what makes us who we are. Keep strong and cherish the memories you have. Remember, she will always be with you and there is nothing wrong with that. Cry if you have to, laugh when you need to and be angry when you feel the need to be.

Sue

Rusty700

I am sorry about your loss. After my wife passed away from cancer two years ago, I felt drained and empty, thinking about her all of the time, knowing that she was gone was terrible. At the same time though, I realized how the cancer took so much of her, there was little of the real Deb left when she died. She was in terrible pain most of the time she wasn't medicated and she lost so much weight she looked 100 years old, not 45. I still cried for days after she died but I realize that her trial is over and she is now happy. I "talk" to her often and I feel she is still a part of my life. I am sure your mom is still nearby and loving you.

als26

I'm so sorry that you're going through this too. I lost my Mom on January 7th, 2004 to ovarian cancer. You're right, "there isn't anything normal" anymore. I was in a fog for the last three months. This past week has been tough. I can't stop crying and my stomach feels like there's a whole in it. My life was complete knowing that I could call her anytime/anywhere. Now, everything is different. I'm only 28 and I'm an only child. My friends try to console me, but honestly they don't understand. I truly believe that the people on this website are the only ones that can relate. It's truly unfortunate that we're in this category. People keep saying "God only gives you what you can handle". Well, I can't handle this too well. I hope you find strength to go on in the next chapter of your life. I don't have any suggestions, because I'm looking for the answers myself. Please take care

Deborah37

Hi Jessalyn,
I have spent the last several hours trying to find an appropriate place to talk about my mom, who I also lost to Cholangiocarcinoma about 15 months ago.

I do not know anyone else who has gone through this particular cancer, and my experience with mom was traumatic, awful and a nightmare (not to mention her experience).

I also worked with her in our family business. Also, she was too young. Finally, My dad was diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma a year before my mom's diagnosis, so mom and I prepared for his death. Then suddenly, someone else had other plans....

He is still stage 4 but status quo, and in the meantime I think I'm going crazy now because although the acute grief has subsided, my deep sadness has led me to seek out things that are not healthy for me.

I hope you get this email (I see your post was on 3/20), and maybe we (and others in the group) can find a healthy, courageous way to deal with this.

Thank you for your (and the group's) straightforwardness.

Deborah

DebbyS

Hi, I am new. I came here looking for a release and I would like to talk to you about my Mom who I lost March 25, 2004. Mom was diagnosed with lung cancer in July 2003 and started taking chemo in September. It metasized throughout even to the brain. I was her main caregiver also the one who lived with her. After my Dad died in 1976 Mom and I stayed together taking care of each other. Losing my Mom has been the most horrible experience I have ever gone through. I was young when my Dad died, that hurt but not like losing Mom. A part of me died that morning also and I am greiving and hurting so much. Some days I think I just cannot make it. Mom was my best friend and confidant and I miss her so much. I miss her smile, I miss her laugh, I miss her sage advice, I miss just sitting watching T.V. with her or sitting on the front porch drinking a cup of coffee. The lonliness and emptyness in my house is lonely in itself. Being happy again and normal seems so far away and impossible but I know Mom would want me to go on and try to be so I will. I pray God gives me the courage and strength to do it.
I dreamed the other night of her. I seen her with my Dad, she was happy,laughing, pain free and even walking. She was telling Dad about everything he has missed over the years since he died, like all the grand kids he never knew, great grand kids, spouses of the other children and etc. This gave me great comfort because I do believe in heaven, I believe my Mom and Dad are together again and they both have new bodies and are not in any pain and suffering. They both died from cancer, Dad with bone cancer and Mom with lung cancer and we all know the pain and suffering of cancer patients. This dream was soooo real, maybe it was given to me to help ease my pain.

lilhill

I just joined the chat room so bear with me. My step-father was just diagnosed with bile duct cancer about a month ago. He had the triple by-pass surgery, you know the small intestine re0route etc. He is doing just ok now. He has lost sooo much weight and hardly has any energy. He was just admitte dintot he hospital agin..he was complaining of pain in a couple parts of his back. They are int he process of doing a bone scan to see if the cancer has spread as I am here typing. I am at sucha a loss and justreally needed someone other thatn my mom to chat with. Questions also like..is weightloss normal, what is the next step....

thanks :-)

shoshi

Rusty700 said:

I am sorry about your loss. After my wife passed away from cancer two years ago, I felt drained and empty, thinking about her all of the time, knowing that she was gone was terrible. At the same time though, I realized how the cancer took so much of her, there was little of the real Deb left when she died. She was in terrible pain most of the time she wasn't medicated and she lost so much weight she looked 100 years old, not 45. I still cried for days after she died but I realize that her trial is over and she is now happy. I "talk" to her often and I feel she is still a part of my life. I am sure your mom is still nearby and loving you.

I just found this website a few minutes ago, I lost my dad 2/6/08 will b 4 weeks next Wednesday...I cant get him out of my head.....I just picture him in his hospital bed looking so scared and so worried about dying..and there I was telling him he wasnt..and I really believed somehow he was going to make it ???? He was diagnosed with Lung cancer 12/05....then found out 10/07 spread to the other lung and wasnt healthy for anymore chemo....he was only 66, ended up on 24/7 oxygen and a walker with wheels that bothered him so.....he would say "i cant believe this happened to me" I would say "but dad you knew the smoking would do this your doctor told you all the time to stop" he got so depressed that he never stopped smoking even with the oxygen..he I guess felt whats the difference now??? I miss him so and wake up during the night wake up in morning and throught out the day and before i go to bed thinking of him and just remembering his face and hs big blue eyes so scared....I luv him and cant call him anymore which is sooo hard when I used to talk 2 him 2-3x a day.......he ended up with spinal cancer at the end and liver...it just went everywhere and the pain he was in was so unbearable.....that was so hard seeing.....finaly when he went on the dyloted drip I knew this was it......he went on the drip 2/3/08 and died 2/6/08......I think I was in denial because this seems like a shock even though I knew how sick he was.......

Clynae

Currently losing father to cholangiocarcinoma
Hi There,

I am currently 2 months in from dad getting diagnosed, and at times things feel slow, and at times things feel too fast. Can you contact me so that I can talk about what to expect? When I googled "losing a parent to cancer" your entry was the first that popped up, and even more uncanny was that your entry highlighted the same cancer that my dad has. They told me that only 1 in 1000 get this kind of cancer. My own (normally) healthy body is reacting so strangely in relation to what's going on. I appreciate your time and attention.

CLynae@gmail.com

shbous

Lost my Father to Leukimia
A week ago I lost my dearest father to cancer. The idea that I can not see him,hug him, kiss him and tell him I love him anymore is unbearable. To me it feels like the end of the world. I used to support friends who lost a parent but I never expected it to be that hard. I feel that I am lost, angry, helpless and sometimes the idea that he is gone just doesnt sink in. I feel the shock and sadness all over again. People keep telling me that with time the pain will dull down but I am not sure. I know for a fact that he is now free from pain and suffering but now I am the one who is suffering. I pray to god that I have the strength to adapt and keep moving in my life because this is what he would have wanted. But for now I am heartbroken.

shbous

Lost my Father to Leukimia

A week ago I lost my dearest father to cancer. The idea that I can not see him,hug him, kiss him and tell him I love him anymore is unbearable. To me it feels like the end of the world. I used to support friends who lost a parent but I never expected it to be that hard. I feel that I am lost, angry, helpless and sometimes the idea that he is gone just doesnt sink in. I feel the shock and sadness all over again. People keep telling me that with time the pain will dull down but I am not sure. I know for a fact that he is now free from pain and suffering but now I am the one who is suffering. I pray to god that I have the strength to adapt and keep moving in my life because this is what he would have wanted. But for now I am heartbroken.

incendia

I just lost my mother to the

I just lost my mother to the same illness. She died 2 weeks ago. How did you cope? I feel really angry with my family, they went through her things like vultures not even days after funeral... It all felt extremely inhuman... Stressful and sad tme of life. 

etechmaster

HELLO EVERYONE OUT THERE HURTING

I just lost my mother yesterday morning. I read your post and I see you still grieving over it. I was hoping I would get over her sooner but right now it feels like I never will. just a little while ago I was knapping and was dreaming of her and when I woke up she's not here or there or anywhere. She died of brain cancer. She was diagnosed while in the 4th stage. At first she did not want radiation but the dr talked her into it and said it would help the head aches. I wished she wouldn't have done it because I think she wouldn't have gone down so fast. She found out 3 weeks before she passed and the day before her birthday. I guess I am hurting more than my sisters because I"m the only boy. Before I left the day she died i'll never forget while she lay unmovable hardly hearing and could barely speak. I wispered up to her ear and told her I was leaving. She let out a breath of panic but could not speak. I told her I would be back tomorrow early. I realiized now that she new she wasn't going to make it through the night. Now I feel so guilty about not staying the night. But I couldn't stand to see her suffer. I lived abut 2 hours from her house and I cried the whole way home and I'm still having my bouts. Jessalyn, if this goes on for 8 months, I'm going to go crazy. I knew the time was coming for them to go (dad is stll alive @ 90 yrs. mom just made 87) so I started calling and talking as much as I could almost every night. I was closer to her more than dad. But man, only a 3week warning. I was hoping I would see her for at least 3 months more. I don't know if you lived with your mother while she died or how old you are but I'm 60 and I thought I would take it a lot easier. Doesn't it feel like internal torchure Jess? It's so hard. She always had my back. No matter what. Well I see your post was in 2004. Hope you feel better now.  I hope you are back to read this. Tell me how you are doing.