coming to the end of chemo!

nikkic

Hi all im new to the site but i was diagnosed with IDC in August 03, i am 31 years old and underwent a mastectomy due to multi focal disease, i have done 4 x FEC and im coming up to my last Taxotere treatment, its been a hard long haul journey and i still have 3 weeks of rads to go as i had a couple of positive nodes, i was est - prog +, The thing is im so scared of the treatment finishing, its been like a safety net for me and now i dont know how to cope without that, do we all just go away and wait for recurrance or worse mets, im so scared to leace my son and husband....i cant deal with all the check ups and blood tests anymore im so scared something will show up, this is causing me so many sleepless nights and im so angry.
I was stage 2 grade 2 so not all that bad i guess although it could of been better, what are the true cure rates now anyway, its all so confusing.
Sorry for ranting just need a freind at the moment who understands....
Take care
Love nikki across the pond

pwrofprayer

Nikkic, I read your email. I thought of how I deal with all my negative energy. I just take all that negative stuff and just turn it into something more positive. Found out I had breast cancer in Aug 03...had been telling my doc that something was wrong but he ignored me...bottom line, found out I had 1st stage lump in the right breast...advised to get the lump removed and to have a mamo-site..but I decided against that and decided to have both removed..boy and I glad..anyway today, I've completed my 3rd chemo treatment and will go next friday for the last one. Then afterwards, I will follow on with the other meds for 5 years. This was a surpise to me too. Got a little one here and a husband, and have one that's grown and gone from home. I think about those same things everyday but I try not to let them get me down. Yes, I know its hard, but you gotta keep yourself positive...try not to think of the negative stuff...all that stuff does is pull you down...had a little bit of training in that department...now, I need to use that training to help myself and others. I'm about where you are right now...coming towards the end of the chemo anyway...still got more to go..but I take everyday as it comes..and try not to worry..if you want to talk more..let me know..

whatablessing,
for today

pwrofprayer

Nikkic, I read your email. I thought of how I deal with all my negative energy. I just take all that negative stuff and just turn it into something more positive. Found out I had breast cancer in Aug 03...had been telling my doc that something was wrong but he ignored me...bottom line, found out I had 1st stage lump in the right breast...advised to get the lump removed and to have a mamo-site..but I decided against that and decided to have both removed..boy and I glad..anyway today, I've completed my 3rd chemo treatment and will go next friday for the last one. Then afterwards, I will follow on with the other meds for 5 years. This was a surpise to me too. Got a little one here and a husband, and have one that's grown and gone from home. I think about those same things everyday but I try not to let them get me down. Yes, I know its hard, but you gotta keep yourself positive...try not to think of the negative stuff...all that stuff does is pull you down...had a little bit of training in that department...now, I need to use that training to help myself and others. I'm about where you are right now...coming towards the end of the chemo anyway...still got more to go..but I take everyday as it comes..and try not to worry..if you want to talk more..let me know..

whatablessing,
for today

inkblot

Hi there:

My roots are across the big pond too, so got a kick out of your sign off!

I think I know what you're saying. That "left adrift" feeling once all the hustle, bustle and fuss of treatment ends. Many women experience that to one degree or another.

In contrast, I was thrilled when it ended. I felt free again. No more drugs, needle sticks,
and dealing with side effects. I whooped it up and literally "floated" for months! (I still float on occasion...just that happy to be here, warts and all, I suppose) I didn't feel the big let down, somehow. Probably because I so looked forward to being done with tx and getting on with my life.

Everyone is different and different parts of dx and tx (and beyond)can be issues. Anger is part of the picture and once you've worked through it by allowing yourself to vent the anger and frustration, you'll begin to feel better and your focus will shift as well.

I think those frequent check ups intimidate us all. At least initially. They're sort of an intrusion into our lives and remind us of why we're having them. I found that I had to work to develop an attitude about them. I no longer get tense when I've a check up appoint. With time and as the intervals between check ups stretches, you'll find that you're more comfortable and probably happy that you no longer need to go so often.

Just as we take care of our physical selves, we should also give our emotional/spiritual selves at least equal attention. Ignoring all that's going on inside us, while struggling to stay positive, doesn't help matters. All that tangle of emotions needs sorting through and addressing. With that comes inner peace and that's the best gift we can give to ourselves.

It takes time, effort, patience, trial and error but the rewards are worth every moment spent.

I'd encourage you to begin to work on relaxation.
Until you can relax and calm yourself, you cannot begin to address the other issues. It's a start.
In the meantime, find creative expression for your positive and negative feelings. Ignore the nay sayers who think that if you voice or demonstrate a negative thought or emotion, that the sky will fall. It won't! You'll feel relieved by virtue of having expressed it. It's ok.

This journey is arduous to say the least, so may as well find our inner strengths and weaknesses along the way. Learn to appreciate the former while reinforcing it and improving the latter.

Read some good self help books. Sharing with others as you've done here is a great outlet. Seek counseling if you think it may be beneficial.
Join a support group, if there's one near you which seems to fit. Pamper yourself a bit with some fun things you happen to enjoy. It isn't selfish...just part of taking care of you, inside and out. Essential, I'd say!

You will not feel this way forever and the light ahead shines brighter every day. Just have to remember to acknowledge it, until it becomes 2nd nature.

Feel better soon and know that you are not alone in how you're feeling.

Love, light and laughter,
Ink

mssue

I to just finished my last treatment in january,the 9th to be exact.I understand how you feel,I kinda of thought the same thing,nikki.But Ink has a lot of good advice,read it again.I believe that the Lord only puts on us what we can handle,sometimes it's a heavy load to lug but there is a lesson to be learn,there is always a purpose even when we don't know what it is.Keep your faith in our Father,Love in your heart and his mercy will find you. Take special care You've come along way and you'll soon feel better physically and mentally.Live one day at a time to its fullest,for no one is promised tommorrow.

Sue

DebPD

Nikkkic,
I know how hard it is to leave the safelty net of your chem and rad and also your doctor and nurse support and be on your own again.... I would schedule appointments and then torture myself the whole time. What if it is back...what if something shows in the tests.... I would worry for weeks..... The only thing I can tell you is prayer and positive attitude. I would think let this be the best days of my life. It was hard. I was 23 in situ with 5 postive lymphs out of 20. My baby was young only 4 years old.. It has been almost 20 years and a lifetime later. I am OK and 41... One day at a time dear.....That is how I did it... If you need to leave a message and we will converse

roxanne53

Hello
I have just recenly concluded all my tx. I had right breast mastectomy, chemo, radiation and now on Arimidex. Just had 1st follow up. I had stage 3a with ER+ and HER2/neu+ 5 out of 18 nodes positive. This my 2nd time with having breast cancer. (The 1st time it was caught very very early but still needed mastectomy for left breast and no other treatment after that except for reconstruction.) I can understand your fears as I have my ups and downs with this also. Waiting for the blood tests to come back was harder than I thought it would be this time as part of the first follow ups after tx's. Sometimes I am just overwhelmed by any little thing. Then I have good days-I work on getting more good days than the latter.
I find that information can be confusing, too. You are not alone. I have sleepless nights for many reasons including thoughts along with the side effects from meds. Sometimes anger rears its ugly head out of frustration that I can't do what I used to do before the 2nd dx. All will take time as they say. And time does help. Do not know if this is helpful to you at all. Although I do hope it has helped a bit in some way or another. Again you are not alone. When we get through something such as a check up or appointment we can call it a triumph over fears.
Take care - Rox
PS. This CSN has been helpful to me. I am new to this site, too.

hummingbyrd

Can relate to you completely as my worst 2 panic attacks was my 1st chemo treatment and my last.
I was diagnosed 6/00 with breast cancer and then bone metastasis 8/01. At first everytime I got a good report on a test I would be elated, then I'd get this nagging voice that said, 'yeah it's good this time, but what about when you go back?' Nearly drove myself crazy till one day I thought how did I make it this far?
Answer: One Day At A Time!
It's all we've got, it's all we ever have had, we just know it now. But, that's the beauty of this whole ordeal, it has taught us a much greater appreciation of life.
I have a website you are welcome to visit
www.urcctc.com
Also, recommend seeing a Registered Dietician. I think we get cancer because we have defective immune systems. At least addressing this issue gives me some reassurrance, but ultimately my faith is in God. (((HUGS))) hummingbyrd