My Husband Said I Caused My Cancer

frog08

Because my mother and grandmother both died from breast cancer, I've had mammograms since I was 30. I felt that it was likely that I would also get cancer, but with the mammograms and doctor's visits, I thought I could catch it early. Well, I despite the mammos & dr. visits, I didn't catch it early. It was a 2.7 cm. tumor with 3 lymph nodes involved. My husband has not been very supportive during my treatment time, but he told me today that he felt I had brought on my cancer. He feels that just because my mother and grandmother had cancer, there was no reason for me to worry or to think that I would get cancer. And because I did think about it, he said that my negative thoughts caused my cancer.
If I had said to myself, I am not going to get cancer and thought more positively, I would not have gotten cancer. So in otherwords, he blames me for getting cancer. You don't know how much this has hurt me. Of course I thought about cancer. I took care of my mother while she was going through chemo, testing, and while she was dying. I saw what she had to go through, so of course this left a huge impression on me. I didn't want cancer. I didn't constantly think about it, but it has been a part of my life. What do ya'll think about his conclusion??

arachne5

Sweetie - your husband is nuts. You don't get cancer from negative thoughts. No way!!!
You were doing exactly the right things for someone with a familial history of breast cancer. You would have been criminally negligent not to have regular checkups.
The hell of it is that young women often aren't diagnosed until the cancer is fairly advanced because breast tissue is dense and "hides" lesions. All too often young women aren't diagnosed until their tumors are much larger than yours.

I think your husband needs to rethink his attitude. The last thing you need is an accusation that isn't even true. You need support and comfort.

This board and chat room and the board and chatroom at www.breastcancer.org are very suportive. The breastcancer site is especially good because it is completely focussed on breast cancer and many of the people there are young women too.

Hugs to you.

dstarnes

Oh sweetie, you have done nothing to make yourself get breast cancer. It sounds as if you have done everything you possibly could to prevent it. I think you husband should go to the oncologist with you, and have it explained to him by the doctor. There are lots of good books and literature available; your dr. probably has alot of them for loan. Become involved in a support group and find one for spousal support, also.
Please do not think that it is your fault. No one wishes for any kind of cancer to happen to them, or anyone else.
Feel free to email me for support, I'll give all I have. Fortunately, I have a spouse and family that supported me. My best friend (who is my neighbor), was the best supporter of all, though. She went through everything with me; sometimes I wonder what I would have done without her.
Now is the time for you to think positive - during treatments, etc. Don't let someone else's opinions get you down.
Hugs to you, Deana

DeeNY711

My father recently made a stupid remark about someone getting stomach cancer because the man used to make his tea with water from the hot water tap. It was a reflection of his total ignorance about cancer. Your husband's remark was, too, but it also reflects a nasty aspect of his royal self that speaks volumes. I don't think anything the oncologist has to say would change your husband's point of view, because it is based on the volume of air between his left ear and his right ear along with his desire to be hurtful. He has a lot of growing up to do. Some never grow up. And if he developed cancer in the future, he would probably blame it on the stress he had to endure due to your illness.

Sometimes, the remarks people make are too devoid of worth to warrent the energy it would take to reply. He is being a complete jerk.

At least we all have one another here.
Love,
Denise

hummingbyrd

My oh my, I am absolutely dumbfounded by your husband's statement.
Granted, I think a positive attitude is important to how well you do during treatment,
but even depressed people survive. I'm living proof of that cause I was low, low the first 6 months after diagnosis.
The very idea though of you CAUSING your cancer because of negative thoughts just floors me.
Seeing as how both your mother and grandmother had breast cancer I would be willing to bet you have the gene that causes breast cancer.
Sorry your husband made you feel so bad.
Two suggestions...think positively YOU ARE GOING TO GET WELL!
and start thinking...my husband is a kind, considerate, loving man, who will do anything I ask him too.
Hey, if you've got that much mind control, you might as well put it to good use!
Hang in there sweetie, this to shall pass.
We are here for you and together we will SURVIVE!
(((HUGS))) hummingbyrd

inkblot

Frog:

You may not want to hear my response to your post but here goes:

Your husband is not educated at all about cancer. He is in serious need of some facts.
That he thinks this is ridiculous!

Your husband is also a thoughtless oaf to say such a thing to you. My reply to him would be:
"You're responsible for and have caused your own ignorance" and perhaps ask what he intends to do about it. Your cancer is being/has been treated, now what to do about addressing his problem? It sorely needs treatment too!

Wishing you good health and good luck in getting this man educated. Guess he thought it was ok not to be supportive to you, since you caused it and all??????????? AARRGGHH!!!

Love, light and laughter,
Ink

MsKaren

Sheesh! I've heard everything. And I'm here to tell you he can't possibly believe that. It's just a mean-spirited comment coming from some kind of anger. Take this with a grain of salt and consider the source--(I'm betting this isn't the first dumb, hurtful things he's said to you.)

Karen

chenheart

I can only echo all of the other things being said by those of us who truly know that negative/positve does NOT cause cancer! I agree that this was probably not the only cruel remark your husband has made to you....PLEASE find a support group! If you do not have the needed support at home, please find it elsewhere! There is a great Bible verse which says that Time and Unforseen Occurance befall us ALL~ attitude, schamattitude!!! You are not in this battle by yourself~you have many kindred spirtis with you! Claudia

MsKaren

chenheart said:

I can only echo all of the other things being said by those of us who truly know that negative/positve does NOT cause cancer! I agree that this was probably not the only cruel remark your husband has made to you....PLEASE find a support group! If you do not have the needed support at home, please find it elsewhere! There is a great Bible verse which says that Time and Unforseen Occurance befall us ALL~ attitude, schamattitude!!! You are not in this battle by yourself~you have many kindred spirtis with you! Claudia

Good verse, Claudia. Right on.

Snookums

I did not even read your message just the subject- please, what an idiot! He needs some serious intervention and quickly. Please, do not let him continue to even register in your thought process. I hope you are surrounding yourself with positive strong minded people that support you not tear you down. Yes, negative thoughts can be self destructive but to cause cancer- now really. This is the person that knows you best, that promised to love you in sickness and in health? Remind him of his vows and see if you can get your pastor to speak with him either with you or alone. he needs some direction. My prayers are flowing now to ask God to give you hubby insight and you good positive love. Go with God- C

Designer

That was a horrible way to treat you. Such garbage, ignorance and emotional abuse. May I offer some food for thought? One... even people who are caring and educated can not really imagine what it is to go through this. It is beyond description. The second thing is maybe your husband is one of those men who does not know how to deal with what he is going through. He is helpless to help the woman he loves, powerless to make it better, worried about loosing you and seeing you sufer. Some men when they get mad act like real jerks!!! It is a very poor way to vent their anger and frustration at the situation. It is abusive. Yet maybe the real cause is the fear, helplessness and hurt he is feeling? I had a gentalman I was seeing YEARS ago in another life that had me help some freinds with their driving on a trip. WE got seperated. When we found each other he ranted and raved at me. (He was in the group that left us.) Once he calmed down it was obvious he was worried about me. Some parents scold the child for getting lost, others rejoice at the safe return but both ways are how they react to fear.Some men just do not know how to deal with such things or express what they are really feeling in an appropriate way.

frog08

Designer said:

That was a horrible way to treat you. Such garbage, ignorance and emotional abuse. May I offer some food for thought? One... even people who are caring and educated can not really imagine what it is to go through this. It is beyond description. The second thing is maybe your husband is one of those men who does not know how to deal with what he is going through. He is helpless to help the woman he loves, powerless to make it better, worried about loosing you and seeing you sufer. Some men when they get mad act like real jerks!!! It is a very poor way to vent their anger and frustration at the situation. It is abusive. Yet maybe the real cause is the fear, helplessness and hurt he is feeling? I had a gentalman I was seeing YEARS ago in another life that had me help some freinds with their driving on a trip. WE got seperated. When we found each other he ranted and raved at me. (He was in the group that left us.) Once he calmed down it was obvious he was worried about me. Some parents scold the child for getting lost, others rejoice at the safe return but both ways are how they react to fear.Some men just do not know how to deal with such things or express what they are really feeling in an appropriate way.

Thank you for all your comments and support. This has not been the only insensitive thing he has done. When I first found out, people started sending me cards and flowers, etc. He got so jealous of all the attention that I was getting. It has been so hard not to be able to share what I am going through fully with my husband. I think you're right when you said he could not handle what was happening. He can't show me the love and care I need, because he doesn't really want to think about it. When I am upset or down, he gets so mad because he thinks I'm giving up. I'm not, but some days I just don't feel like doing cartwheels and being "up". I appreciate all your support and your advice. It helps to have a place like this to be able to share what I'm feeling and have people understand. Blessings to you all. Linda

Designer

frog08 said:

Thank you for all your comments and support. This has not been the only insensitive thing he has done. When I first found out, people started sending me cards and flowers, etc. He got so jealous of all the attention that I was getting. It has been so hard not to be able to share what I am going through fully with my husband. I think you're right when you said he could not handle what was happening. He can't show me the love and care I need, because he doesn't really want to think about it. When I am upset or down, he gets so mad because he thinks I'm giving up. I'm not, but some days I just don't feel like doing cartwheels and being "up". I appreciate all your support and your advice. It helps to have a place like this to be able to share what I'm feeling and have people understand. Blessings to you all. Linda

Linda I have someone I have to deal with that is simular. He is just cluesless.. Not a bad person just clueless. A brillent man in other areas but this area is his down fall. It holds him back from being really great. He has no idea how abusive this attitude is and self distructive to himself. I deal with him as if I am dealing with a spoiled kid. If he gets nasty I just do not put up with it I walk away. I do not get into it with him or anything I just let him know I do not care for it and that I am not going to sit there and take it. When he wants to talk in a respectable way I am willing to talk. He use to talk down to people also. I got him good one day. He was acting really bad and I told him he must be an awfully insecure person if he has to treat others in such a way. He said I am not insecure! I said calmly you must be or you would not have to put others down to feel better about yourself. Then I ended the discussion. Or he would have argued and said mean things just to get at me. He is one that has to think it over for a while and will not talk about it later. He started treating others with a lot more respect. Big improvement! The thing is to not let it tear you down. You are not crazy just under a lot of stress and you have a right to have time out when you need it with out him feeling as if you did something to him. You might try to reward him for the little things he does but ignore him when he acts like a jerk. No negative attention for him only possitive reenforcement? I bet both of you are feeling very helpless and at times hopeless. Could you set little goals to accomplish together? It might give you something to focus on and feel like together you are able to do something possitive through these horrible times. You sound like such a strong and wonderful person. I have no doubt you will be one of those people everyone admires through all of it.

hummingbyrd

Designer said:

Linda I have someone I have to deal with that is simular. He is just cluesless.. Not a bad person just clueless. A brillent man in other areas but this area is his down fall. It holds him back from being really great. He has no idea how abusive this attitude is and self distructive to himself. I deal with him as if I am dealing with a spoiled kid. If he gets nasty I just do not put up with it I walk away. I do not get into it with him or anything I just let him know I do not care for it and that I am not going to sit there and take it. When he wants to talk in a respectable way I am willing to talk. He use to talk down to people also. I got him good one day. He was acting really bad and I told him he must be an awfully insecure person if he has to treat others in such a way. He said I am not insecure! I said calmly you must be or you would not have to put others down to feel better about yourself. Then I ended the discussion. Or he would have argued and said mean things just to get at me. He is one that has to think it over for a while and will not talk about it later. He started treating others with a lot more respect. Big improvement! The thing is to not let it tear you down. You are not crazy just under a lot of stress and you have a right to have time out when you need it with out him feeling as if you did something to him. You might try to reward him for the little things he does but ignore him when he acts like a jerk. No negative attention for him only possitive reenforcement? I bet both of you are feeling very helpless and at times hopeless. Could you set little goals to accomplish together? It might give you something to focus on and feel like together you are able to do something possitive through these horrible times. You sound like such a strong and wonderful person. I have no doubt you will be one of those people everyone admires through all of it.

Whew! Good advice from Designer. Sounds like something that might work, IF he's not physically abusive, and I pray he's not.
Best wishes, you've got your work cut out for you, as if the cancer was not enough! You do sound like a strong woman, but even strong women need some down time. Make sure during this treatment period you put YOUR needs before his. You are the one who needs the TLC! (((HUGS))) hummer

sebert

I am so sorry that you had to endure such an insensitive comment at a time like this. Sometimes, though, it's easier to place the blame on the person going through the difficulty than it is to admit that he could actually be vulnerable too (you know how some folks blame the woman who was raped because she was asking for it?)...not only by losing you but that cancer could happen to him without much warning as well. It tends to make folks feel really mortal and not at all invincible, something that is very hard to take for many of us. I agree with the others that this man needs some education but that it may not do much good unless he experiences his own vulnerability. Talking with a psychologist might be a good idea for you...at least you would get unconditional positive support as you deal with your emotions. If he is willing to go with you, all the better but...at this point...I truly doubt that he will. Keep your chin up and know that you did NOT cause this bad event in your life. You can't help it if you were predisposed to this disease anymore than he can help it that he's predisposed to insensitivity based on his gender.

msg

I hope you have a strong support network. Your husband should sit down with your Dr. and get his facts straight. He should be holding your hand now, not placing such a ridiculous thought in your head. I hope he never needs your shoulder to lean on.
Unfortunately, once things are said they cannot be taken back!
God bless you.