Hopelessness & Despair

Unknown

My story: I'm 39 yrs old and in the midst of treatment. 2 more cycles of A/C to go. Diagnosed 10/03, invasive ductal carcinoma. My tumor was 1.2 cm, ER/PR neg/ HER2 neg. grade 3; very aggresive. No node involvement, clean margins obtained after reexcision. My husband shaved my head last Sunday after my hair started coming out in clumps. This was pretty traumatic for both of us.

My past: When I was 32, after 5 yrs of trying to conceive, I was successful in an IVF program and I gave birth to twin girls, one of whom was stillborn. I spent two months in the hospital [mostly ICU in a chemically induced coma]. When I became lucid, they told me that I had had a hysterectomy, ilestomy, and that I would be sent home with my abdomen split in two. This was partially due to severe septic shock and liverfailure. The doctors had told my husband to make preparations because they didn't think I"d survive. The next 6 months were spent growing new skin awaiting the surgery where they would "make me whole again & close the wound." The ileostomy was also reversed at that time. It took me years to get over that trauma. I have a wonderful 7 year old daughter.

Now I face breast cancer. Sorry to ramble on here, but the emotional pain in so unbearable. The tears are streaming as I write this. At this very moment, I wonder... is dying so bad? Maybe then I wouldn't be in such anguish. I don't know where to turn, I don't know how to cope with this. All of you out there are so strong and positive and I've been trying to do the same. But it is hard. How much can one person bear? I know we all have our troubles. I hope that someone will read this and be able to encourage me.

Thank you.

bpcbrinks

Hey Poupette,
You have certainly had more than your share already in this lifetime. It may seem as though we are all brave and strong but I bet everyone on this board has had their moments of feeling the same way you do. But you know what I have learned? After I couldn't cry anymore, I was still breathing and as long as you are still breathing you are fighting the big ugly cancer.

I was 26 when I was first diagnosed with 4 tumors in one breast and 6 lymph nodes positive. We thought we caught in time but this past spring we found it in my hip bone. I have one child -- a 4 yr boy -- who just wore out my last nerve tonight because he didn't want his hair washed. But I get over it real fast because I am thankful that I can still fight with him over washing his hair. I stay as active as I can (without overdoing it) because it makes me feel "normal". I know that I will never be "normal" again because I only have one boob (no bras ever fit right) and scars everywhere to go along with my stretch marks.

We shaved my head when my hair came out in clumps. My son was 2 at the time and we did it with him helping. He had a blast because we had a blast.

By the way, my husband had Crohn's disease and had to have a colostomy several years ago. He still has it and lives with it every day. We figured we were perfect for each other now. One of the best things we have found is to laugh at ourselves and the situation and find bright sides to everything. Life will be cooler in the spring and summer with no hair and you don't have to shave your legs. No more bad hair days!
My point to all my rambling is that life goes on and your choice of attitudes makes all the difference in the world. My attitude is that cancer is like whack-a-mole; you keep beating those pesty little moles down each time one pops up and after awhile someone will have found a cure. There is hope!

I'll be praying for you and please know that you are never alone in this fight!

bpcbrinks

hummingbyrd

Yes dear, there are worse things than death. If you know Christ as your Savior, dying is heavenly!
BUT, you spent a lot of time and effort to have that wonderful daughter of yours, and I'm sure she needs you, so heaven can wait untill your appointed time.
My word woman, after describing what you went through with child birth, this ought to be a walk in the park! Talk about us being strong, you are a ROCK! (and I mean that as a compliment)
I tell you, the A/C and the hair loss thing are the WORST, or it was for me. Nothing made me feel more like I had cancer than looking at my bald head. Remember though, it will grow back.
I had my mom bring me baby pictures of myself, cause I was practically bald till I was 18 months.
No wig for me, personal preference, instead I wore scarfs with hats (Walmart has an excellent inexpensive selection), turbans (very fashionable with certain styles of dresses), caps, toboggans, etc. With the right attitude it's really quite fun and fashionable! Especially in the winter.
Oh, oh, in the summer I even had a swimming cap, hot pink w/ these cute little, I don't know, kinda butterfly/flower thingys attached to it, with sandels to match.
I tell you what else helps sometimes, get your husband to shave his head too!
I have a website I'd like you to come visit...it's
www.urcctc.com
Tells how I coped with the diagnosis, my story, a message board and scripture that comforted me.
I hope you'll come visit and remember, "If God brings you to it, He will see you through it."
(((HUGS))) hummingbyrd

Glad you found us, see God's already busy working in your life!

gigglegirl

Dear Poupette, Well Hummingbyrd's response says much of it. Not sure that the dying thing is gonna happen anytime soon (not that the Chemo doesn't make you wish that you would at times)with what you listed for your diagnosis, no nodes, clear margins, neg for Her2/er/pr all good. Make sure you ask the doctor about your future prognosis based on your current diagnosis and stay informed.
I did the same regimine you are doing back in 94. It would be nicer if it was summer and warm for the no hair hair style. But have some fun with it if you can. For Valentines next month you could paint little red hearts all over your head with sparkles of course. I'll never forget Christmas a few years ago when I was again bald for the who knows how many time and a friends son of about 5 thought we should decorate my head with sparkles or maybe we should paint the world on it. Not a bad idea. One year with no hair I went to see the Blue Man group with my friends in Las Vegas and had a blast when the cast came out afterward and touched and kissed my bald head and left beautiful bright blue lips and handprints on my noggin. Pretty funny, I am smiling remembering the funny faces we made at one another. The Blue Men were way cute. Careful of the turbans all too often they wind up looking like a diaper on your head and of course nobody has the courage to tell people. Bright scarves wrapped and tied right look great. Baseball hats (gotta wear it backward with an attitude!!) or cowboy hat are great. I had very beautiful long hair so it was a bit of a shock at first. But mostly I sported the bald babe look and went about things as usual. Here in San Diego things on your head get too warm much of the time.
If you are doing the cycle 3 weeks apart, somewhere after the 1st week you will be tired but shouldn't be nauseated. Of course it differs for many people. Get out when you can. Unfortunately with the A/C, I remember the last couple of treatments being the most difficult in terms of nausea because the drugs build up in your body. Just make sure you take the Compazine or Zofran before you feel ill.
I can't imagine what you went through with the loss of a child, the coma and the condition you were in for so long afterwards. And yes you must certainly feel discouraged to again be facing a life altering condition in your life. You want to look up at God and say "Yo, Lord, could I have a little break here!!!! What's up?? He does love us and it's hard to figure why some of us get bumpier paths than others. For me I know I can look around and see others that have spent a life time of suffering from an early age of some sort of physical or mental affliction and I look back up at Him and thank Him for the good times that I have had and continue to have in between the tought ones.
Praise God for your daughter and your husband. Love, live and laugh with them as much as you can. Tomorrow is never promised for any of us, and we should all live today as if there may not be a tomorrow. More often than not the regrets one has in life are the things left unsaid or undone. You will bounce back when this is done.
Like Hummingbyrd I find my hope in Jesus and the promise of Heaven and life without this body that has sad to say suffered much through the disease and the drugs. God has graced me with additional years to spend time with friends and enjoy their love and friendship.
I too was young, 32 in 1990 and off with my boob. No big loss, I was too busy living. Was back in the gym 5 days after surgery. With 1 out 8 women having BC, well, I didn't spend much time pondering about why me. It just was and well I just got on with things. 1994, I had a reoccurance in the lymph nodes, oh well, and I had been told I had less than a 1% chance of a reoccurance by the Oncologist in 90, oooops no promises in this life. Took some nutrition classes and went back to college to finish my BA from 95 to 98. And in 98 well it's back, finished my BA about the same time as being diagnosed as terminally ill, stage IV at the old age of 40. Please, don't be discouraged, I was one of a very small percent that things don't fall in the normal stats based on my original diagnosis. Hey my last name is Murphy.
Do stay informed, ask questions, learn as much as you can about the disease that pertains to you and the drugs and ask about options and choices.
Just as important as watching what you eat and getting exercise is to maintain a balanced life in terms of stress and happiness. How about a tee shirt that says on one side "Got Bad Hair" and on the other side it could say "Try No Hair" and your picture. No, I guess the giggle thing isn't for everyone.
And I like everyone has had my share of tears, but in between lots of giggles. So I pray that you have many friends to get together with and wiggle and giggle with when you feel good. I am sure your daugther is good at wiggling and giggling.
Well, motor mouth girl will not go on. But sends her love and prayers that God eases your heart and lifts your spirit. That in the midst of the adversity you are experiencing are still able to feel His presence and love for you.
Lots of love Lisa

krisrey

Hi Poupette,
Don't ever think you area rambling on..this is the place to ramble all you want! You have experienced a lot in your life and now facing breast cancer is frightening.
I don't think I could really add anything else that the others have not already said except that you have already proven to be a fighter.
My dx is the same as yours for invasive ductal carcinoma. My tumor was 1.6 with one node involvment, I am ER/PR pos and HER 2 Positive. I have just finished my treatment of 8 rounds of chemo and 33 rounds of rads, and 3 months so far on tamixofen. So far I have been able to maintain a very positive outlook with the help of this board and the chatroom.
Please hear me when I say that things will look up for you, give yourself some time. I too felt like you did during chemo, especially with the hair loss. Things do indeed turn around though, I am living proof. I have about 1 1/2" of hair back and I am feeling great.
I think focusing on my girls (8 year old twins) has helped me to stay focused and not dwell. Like you I also had trouble conceiving and was finally successful with IVF after years of treatment and disappoitments.
I know that emotional pain you are feeling is real and sometimes we just can't shut it off by ourselves. Have you checked with your doctor maybe about some antidepressants?
Poupette, you have come so far already in your young life, and breast cancer is just another mess that you will get through with flying colors.
Hang tight you will be OK!
Kris

SweetSue

I don't want to tell you about my history, but I endured 3 tragedies before the age of 20. Now, breast cancer at 55.....feel lucky about that because so many of you are so much younger.
Only once in awhile, I fell sorry for myself. I am reminded that many people have it much worse than I do. I think of the children who have cancer. I think of my two friends who lost their teenagers to lymphoma.
However, what you are going through is tough, and I'm sorry that you've had so much tragedy.
Deep in my heart, I believe that we have a purpose in life, and when we've fulfilled our contract with God, we meet him .
About the hair loss......mine came back curly and thicker. I wear it short and EVERYBODY loves it and says I look younger. Soem say I look better now than before I got cancer...which is a complement, but it sets me back.

SweetSue

SweetSue said:

I don't want to tell you about my history, but I endured 3 tragedies before the age of 20. Now, breast cancer at 55.....feel lucky about that because so many of you are so much younger.
Only once in awhile, I fell sorry for myself. I am reminded that many people have it much worse than I do. I think of the children who have cancer. I think of my two friends who lost their teenagers to lymphoma.
However, what you are going through is tough, and I'm sorry that you've had so much tragedy.
Deep in my heart, I believe that we have a purpose in life, and when we've fulfilled our contract with God, we meet him .
About the hair loss......mine came back curly and thicker. I wear it short and EVERYBODY loves it and says I look younger. Soem say I look better now than before I got cancer...which is a complement, but it sets me back.

oops.....wasn't finished.
I believe prayer helps and helping others is crucial.
Take care,
Sue

bturner

Poupette, I think the other replys have said it all and don't know that I can add much to them.

But, remember we all have had our moments and for me also the hair loss was also very traumatic but it does get easier with time.

I found that reading scripture every day made me feel better and helped me to maintain a good positive attitude.

Just remember that each day is truly a blessing and we always need to make the most of it. Just concentrate on that beautiful little girl and remember, enjoy her and play with her to ease that stress.

The thing that worked best for me during treatment was to try to keep my life as normal as possible. It wasn't always easy because cancer is SUCH a disruption, but it was very important to me that I continued to do things that I normally did. You have to make yourself.

Also, remember, the hair does grow back. I know that's easy for everyone else to say when it is not them, but, if it means living, it is worth the temporary loss.

I will keep you in my prayers. Hang in there.

DeeNY711

Our local newspaper has featured a breast cancer survivor every week, and I kept this clipping from Susan on Long Island:

"It is okay to feel sad, frightened or sorry for yourself. Just try not to dwell on it too much. Don't feel guilty if you do not feel up to cooking, working or entertaining while undergoing treatment. You don't have to be Super Woman. Just take it easy and be good to yourself."

Graeson5682

SweetSue said:

I don't want to tell you about my history, but I endured 3 tragedies before the age of 20. Now, breast cancer at 55.....feel lucky about that because so many of you are so much younger.
Only once in awhile, I fell sorry for myself. I am reminded that many people have it much worse than I do. I think of the children who have cancer. I think of my two friends who lost their teenagers to lymphoma.
However, what you are going through is tough, and I'm sorry that you've had so much tragedy.
Deep in my heart, I believe that we have a purpose in life, and when we've fulfilled our contract with God, we meet him .
About the hair loss......mine came back curly and thicker. I wear it short and EVERYBODY loves it and says I look younger. Soem say I look better now than before I got cancer...which is a complement, but it sets me back.

Dear Poupette and all,
I am also a survivor... tomorrow will be my last radiation treatment. Before that I went through 6 cycles of ABVD chemo and lost my hair.
I can understand the trauma you're talking about. I used to have very thick & wavy auburn hair which i was kinda proud of. When it started falling out, I was sad & frustrated. My sister and husband helped me shave my head. I thought at least it's better than watching it go slowly.
Now my hair is just starting to grow back. Everyone tells me it will grow back thicker and better than before, I don't know how many times I've heard that. But I'm a little worried because it seems to be growing back pretty thin and patchy. Is that normal? I'm wondering if anyone else can relate. Maybe I'm not giving myself enough time, but it's so hard to feel normal like this, you know?
If you know of any way I can improve my hair or help it grow out better, please let me know.
On a brighter note, I just celebrated my 33rd birthday & tomorrow we'll celebrate the end of treatment!
Poupette, make sure you take note of the little victories every day. (Even if it's something like "hey, I got dressed and took a bath today"). Those little things will get you through. Try not to think of the next year or next few months of treatment... that can overwhelm you. Sometimes you just have to get through the next 15 minutes. Make a list of 'comforts'. And make sure you give yourself a break! Hang in there, you are a strong person. You've gotten through so much pain already. You are a survivor!!
I'll be thinking of you.
Take care,
~Kate

Designer

Poupette Wow!!! you are amazing! You deserve an award. You must be a very wonderful person. Mother Teressa once said "God doesn't give us more then we can handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much." I always figured he was trying to teach me something new and the only way it would work was to give me things to work through. So that I would be educated for some forth comeing task to come. I never veiwed it as a curse or punishment. He had asked me to walk through hell but promised me I would come back out on the path again. Before I started loosing my hair I took the boys out and we looked at wigs and bought non toxic washable paints. My own hair was baby fine and thin to start with. SO I was looking forward to it growing back better. Didn't happen it came back the same and it took a long time to come back. I hardly have to shave my arm pits any more.. :+)and I am not afraid any more to try new hair styles.

Unknown

Designer said:

Poupette Wow!!! you are amazing! You deserve an award. You must be a very wonderful person. Mother Teressa once said "God doesn't give us more then we can handle, I just wish he didn't trust me so much." I always figured he was trying to teach me something new and the only way it would work was to give me things to work through. So that I would be educated for some forth comeing task to come. I never veiwed it as a curse or punishment. He had asked me to walk through hell but promised me I would come back out on the path again. Before I started loosing my hair I took the boys out and we looked at wigs and bought non toxic washable paints. My own hair was baby fine and thin to start with. SO I was looking forward to it growing back better. Didn't happen it came back the same and it took a long time to come back. I hardly have to shave my arm pits any more.. :+)and I am not afraid any more to try new hair styles.

To: bcpbrinks, hummingbyrd, giggle girl, krisrey, Sweet Onion, Kate 123, bturner, DeeNY711 & Designer:
Thanks SO much for the encouraging and uplifting replies. I've printed them all out and keep them by my bedside to read each day. I hope that I will be able to develop the strength to cope with all of this using the tips all of you gave. I deeply appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. I've never met any of you, but you took the time to encourage me. I am very grateful. I hope to post again soon. Thanks again to all of you wonderful, wonderful women!!!

Poupette

ksayler

Poupette,
I read your posting and cried with you. We have all been there and it is not easy. I had a 1.8 cm tumor (ER/PR pos/HER2 neg/clean nodes and margins) lumpectomy, radiation, chemo (AC) ending in Dec. 02. Losing my hair was soooo traumatic...no one understands this until than have gone through it. AC is TOUGH stuff. My oncologist says it is the best thing we have to fight breast cancer. I dreaded every chemo treatment and was sick for a week or more after each one. I told my husband that I was sure the doctor was trying to kill me. It simply makes you feel

jake10

I only read your post today, but it tugged at my heart.
One thing I don't think anyone mentioned was living for your daughter. You went through so much to bring her into this world. When you are at your lowest go back to a happy time with her, a time when you felt carefree, loved, energetic, healthy. Wallow in those feelings. Then come back to your world and count your blessings.
Occassional sadness, fear, anxiety and hopelessness is normal for what you are going through. These feelings day after day without relief are not. Talk to your doctor for help. You are a survivor! God Bless, Beth