Partner Support-Discussion Group

DJC

Anybody up for starting this type of adjunct discussion group? Perhaps by sharing our experiences in this arena we may be able help one another to understand why our partners appear to be less than supportive at times. My latest dispointing experience with my husband - I finished my last round of Taxol yesterday - this after my car blew it's engine inroute to my office - I missed my half day at work - needing the time to have my car towed to a dealership and to procure a rental car - made it to my chemo appointment - then went back to the office for a few hours. On the way home, I was bogged down in traffic due to a snow storm. I finally reached the house - my husband asks me why am I late and how soon will his dinner be ready. He then asks me why my speech is slightly slurred - let's see - could I be tired, stressed, cold, pumped full of Benedryl, Kitryl, Decadron and Taxol? No hugs, no congrats. Men - you've got to love the way they maintain the status quo. Donna

rizzo15

DJC. You may just have something there! I think there is already a Caregiver discussion group, but I don't see many people posting to it...also, it's kind of the opposite problem...married to the NON-caring person. Oh, I don't mean your husband or anybody else's husband doesn't care for the breast cancer person at all. It's just like they don't express their caring very often or much. It has taken over a year, but my husband has finally learned to ask me how I am feeling at least once a day. And he actually listens to the answer!! He gets really mad sometimes and tells me that he is sick and tired of me being sick and tired. It has taken him a long time, like after 25 years of marriage, to figure out that the worse I feel, the more quiet I get. If I spend an entire evening sitting on the same sofa and have not said a word, he knows that I have really hit a bad spot and am desperately trying not to think about when I can take my next dose of pain medication.

Donna, I think your husband will shape up after a while. Hopefully it won't take a year! You must be a super strong woman to be appear to be pretty normal to your husband right now. He probably looked at you the other night and thought, well, she is acting/looking pretty OK...so I can act like my normal self.

Snookums

rizzo15 said:

DJC. You may just have something there! I think there is already a Caregiver discussion group, but I don't see many people posting to it...also, it's kind of the opposite problem...married to the NON-caring person. Oh, I don't mean your husband or anybody else's husband doesn't care for the breast cancer person at all. It's just like they don't express their caring very often or much. It has taken over a year, but my husband has finally learned to ask me how I am feeling at least once a day. And he actually listens to the answer!! He gets really mad sometimes and tells me that he is sick and tired of me being sick and tired. It has taken him a long time, like after 25 years of marriage, to figure out that the worse I feel, the more quiet I get. If I spend an entire evening sitting on the same sofa and have not said a word, he knows that I have really hit a bad spot and am desperately trying not to think about when I can take my next dose of pain medication.

Donna, I think your husband will shape up after a while. Hopefully it won't take a year! You must be a super strong woman to be appear to be pretty normal to your husband right now. He probably looked at you the other night and thought, well, she is acting/looking pretty OK...so I can act like my normal self.

Well, let me say a HUGE Congratulations on your finishing Taxol! I know the JOY of "the last one." Seems that a great many men have such trouble expressing the fear they feel when their partner is "rocking the ststus quo." Wait, he can't control that, he can't fix that . . . what does he do? Many get quiet and try to hang onto the "routine." Honestly, give the communication one more try. Sit him down, alone and undistracted and don't draw it out but tell him what YOU are feeling now. I was once told by a therapist, he can't be a mind reader you have to ask for what you need! Sure, we all dream of that movie/TV person that showers us with attention and knows what we need and want before we do but that is not practical. You DO deserve a partner that will meet your needs as long as those needs are reasonable and from what you said those needs are so talk to him and keep on talking. We must work together to fight this so, give him something demonstrative he can do to help you. Set up a schedule or plan for him of things you will need and I bet he will deliver, if not there's always the Dr. Phil Show! Keep on fighting and I feel with God on your side you and your husband will prevail. C

DeeNY711

I would have told him "You are on your own as far as dinner is concerned tonight," and taken to my bed. The fact that you worked through the period of time you were on taxol is amazing to me. No way could I have even walked the distance from my car to my work unit! Used to have to sit and rest for quite some time halfway between the area of the hospital where I received radiation therapy and the location of the lab whenever I had blood draws. In addition, I am so sorry your car blew its engine. That is a disastrous disruption of time/task line. My car has managed to keep barely chugging, but when I read your post, the car part seized me by the throat. The husband part was more like realizing your husband and my husband must be part of the same gene pool along with so many others mentioned on this board.
Hugs,
Denise

Sandis

I agree with some of the comments made earlier. I know that I always come across as strong and "fine" so when I find its annoying my husband isn't more nurturing, I guess I have to look at myself and my requests. I have one experience early on that really bothered me. I spent a lot of time looking at options, etc. and he showed no interest in reading or learning about cancer, but one day I got home and he was on a cancer web site. I thought, oh how nice he's concerned and wants to help, but in fact it was a web site that showed reconstructed breasts because I was about to go in for breast reconstruction. But, in all he's a great guy and I love him, He's just a man! Sandi