What now?

Snookums Member Posts: 148
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
I am nearing the end of the "active phase" of treatment and will soon be just on 6 mth check ups with onc and tamoxifen will be my only treatment. I am cognitaviely aware that I should be positive and glad I am where I am, I know how blessed I am to not be dealing with more. I really am! Then, in my dreams and way back in the wee corner recesses of my mind I have fear. I dream that I am spitting out these black things, small like in "Green Mile" and I am always trying to escape in my dreams as well.
I heard a speaker recently talk about the "crash and burn" phase of cancer treatment. I really feel that I am there and I don't dwell or feel depressed but it looks like my subconscious has sme "issues". I am on an anti-depressant and really don't feel depressed. I am SURE this is very common but does anyone know of any good reading material about getting on with life after bc treatments? I would love to work thru this with some knowledgeable people that could help ease my fears. Thank you wonderful women and men of our family site and God's blessings on you.


  • hummingbyrd
    hummingbyrd Member Posts: 950 Member
    Not sure of any reading, but know exactly what you mean. After my diagnosis I would dream at night of tarantulas; as I lay in bed (in my dream) I would look up at light fixture. These huge hairy black spiders would crawl out and around and then one would fall on me. I would jerk away!
    Still had my drain in...talk about hurt!
    I prayed next day, "Lord I need your help. At night when I am asleep I am vulnerable to Satan's attacks through my subconscious. Please protect me. In Christ' name I pray. Amen."
    That night at 2:00 AM I heard someone call my name. I woke up thinking it was my husband or one of my boys. It was dark, I couldn't see anything, but I heard, "Terri, do not be afraid." That was it, nothing else, but no more nightmares.
    Now at the end of chemo, I had panic attacks. Craziest thing I ever heard, had panic attacks over taking 1st 4 treatments, then panicked because I was taking last treatment. Felt like I was losing my protection. Can't help you on that one. I took xanex and prayed. Last chemo was 4/01
    then started radiation. I think I was nervous about that too. All I know is I found great comfort in scripture and prayer. I've been dealing with this disease since the day I was diagnosed.
    Without God I would have 'crashed and burned'. Hey, now there's a statement full of truth!
    LOL I needed that one. Ahhh! The Lord does work in mysterious ways, indeed!
    God bless you snookums. (((HUGS))) hummingbyrd
  • SweetSue
    SweetSue Member Posts: 217
    I felt fear right after my last chemo treatment....all said that was a normal feeling.
    How do I deal with fear?...through prayer , and my prayer list is getting so long that I'm so busy trying to remember everybody and I forget the fear.
    I'm also treating myself like a princess and keeping busy doing fun stuff.

    Good luck,
  • llange
    llange Member Posts: 54
    One good book you might try is Living Beyond Breast Cancer, by Marissa Weiss. She's an oncologist who started the LBCC organization, and they have a great web site at breascancer.org. The first chapter talks about exactly what you're feeling now, and it made me feel so much better to know that it's normal to feel that way. I had my husband and mother read it too so they would know how I was feeling. You can order the book from Amazon.com, or check your local book store.
  • cammie
    cammie Member Posts: 102
    I hear you!!!! Fear is such a terrible thing. I too am on antidepressants. Most days I am fine and have been thinking of stopping them then one day I have a hard day and know I couldn't have made it without my happy pill. I loved Lance Armstrongs Its not about the Bike. Although he didn't have breast cancer, He went through a lot and was very inspiring to me. The what now feeling I hear gets worse when we stop the Tamoxifin. Like ok what is protecting me now? Someone told me we were so afraid because before we knew about the bc, we felt great and were normal. Then the next minute we have cancer and life has changed dramatically. Whats to say we will know when it happens again. Try to stay in tune with your body. I plan to start yoga and anything else that will help me to become more aware of changes with in myself. We are here with you sweetie. Hang in there. Cammie