I'm beginning my journey.

SusanG Member Posts: 8
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Thank you very much for all of your help so far.

Tomorrow morning I am getting on a plane from south Georgia (not my real home) and heading to NYC to Sloan Kettering. I am very lucky that my brother lives there and I can stay with him and his family and that my parents will come when surgery happens. That Jack will be flown up for surgery.

I am so terribly frightened. I had to pick up the path slides today with the report and sort of skimmed them and I cried.

I am going alone since Jack has taken so much time off already this year due to our home in PA and my jaw surgeries. He has to stay here for now.

I have been trying so hard all day to pack and get myself together but I am having such a difficult time of it. My sis in law is pretty much taking care of everything like a robe and slippers and my shampoo and saline and blades, etc. She is so wonderful but I am going to be without my strength for now and that is Jack.

This is not what I expected of my life especially after so many surgeries and divorce and all that entailed. Now I have this wonderful man and yet I am so so afraid I have somehow pissed off the gods of life and am going to be taken out. As well, I am weak from the last three years and don't how to keep scraping from the bottom of the barrel that once held so much stuff. It feels so empty now and once again I must suck it up and be strong. I mean I made it through 10 jaw surgeries that were up to 10 hours long. I made it through a harrowing divorce and am still fighting for my court ordered alimony while ex is planning on going to Scotland to marry his ex college girlfriend. While ex still only works two days a week... I really don't like him at all.

Anyway, I have to tear myself away from this computer and try to get packed. Jack has a test tonight at school and I need to make supper for this dear man. We have not been apart since I moved here and I am so afraid to be without him.

I know I am rambling but I have never in my life been so terrified and freaked out. I only pray I can get strong again for me and for him. He deserves a strong whole women and I want so much to be that.



  • hummingbyrd
    hummingbyrd Member Posts: 950 Member
    Hi Susan, I sent you an email. You can access your email here from your CSN start page.
    God bless. hummb
  • DeeNY711
    DeeNY711 Member Posts: 476 Member
    Susan, you will do just fine. You will be in the best hands, and they are not internationally acclaimed for nothing. Everyone will keep you in their prayers, and we will all look forward to hearing from you again when you return home. Remember that no matter where you go, you carry the love of your family and friends with you. Love, Denise
  • cocotann
    cocotann Member Posts: 3
    Hi Susan, I just saw your message. I will be praying for you as you go through this -- especially that the Lord will equip you and give you what you need to go through the surgery. Please also know you aren't alone in this battle, that there are many of us who have been through this and are now survivors. You too will be one as well. You are also going to one of the best places to have your surgery. Please don't give up because half the battle is in the mind! God's peace to you..
  • mc2001
    mc2001 Member Posts: 343
    Hi Susan...
    You are much stronger than you think. This doesnt mean it isnt scary. But you can do this. Take one day at a time. God bless you.
  • TylersMom1
    TylersMom1 Member Posts: 57
    Hi Susan,
    Don't know if you have already left for the airport but wanted to send you my prayers. You are not alone, your family and friends will be with you through this entire journey, maybe not physically but mentally and spiritually. God bless...Cheryl
  • jolliff
    jolliff Member Posts: 12
    Thanks to all for your support and encouragement during this difficult time.

    I took Susan to the airport this morning and got back here to work about 10 this morning and have been in a meeting ever since. Don't ask me what it was about, though. :)

    I can't believe that after all we've been through, I have to stay here instead of being with her now. Thank God that her brother and sister-in-law are there to take good care of her until I can get on a plane myself.

    We were talking yesterday and, although it hurts like hell we aren't together right now, we have to look at it like a few days vs the best care is really a piece of cake choice to make. I'd much rather have Susan at a place where they are internationally reknown for their work then in a smaller place, given her family history and physiology.

    I believe we made the right decision and it will all be yet another building block of our relationship.

    I miss her terribly already. I usually go to the gym and work out, but since the diagnosis, I've been spending every available minute with Susan. I will now start my regimen again as I need to be in tip top mental and physical condition to be the most help.

    Thanks so much for this place.

    Hummb, I don't know if Susan checked her email, I'll tell her you sent one and how to access it on CSN when I talk to her.

  • SweetSue
    SweetSue Member Posts: 217
    Prayer will give u courage!!!!!
    Good luck!!!!! You're blessed to have Jack, parents, family.......let go of thinking about your ex...he's in the past , and that is not real anymore. You only have NOW.