Am I expecting too much from my husband???

frog08
frog08 Member Posts: 26
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
I know ya'll are probably sick of me asking these questions, but I appreciate your feedback tremendously. Sometimes I don't know what is normal or not. Last Wednesday I had my first round of Taxol. I was really nervous about it, because I didn't know what to expect. I also had some questions for my Dr. My husband took Wednesday off because he wanted to be there for me because he knew I was anxious about starting a different drug. On Wednesday morning I got the kids ready for school, picked up in the house, and got myself ready. At 8:45 am, it was time to leave, and Joe was not up. I didn't wake him up, I just asked my Dad (who lives with us) if he could drop me off. Daddy took me and as usual went in with me to the doctor appt. and stayed with me until they got me all hooked up and got the drip going. Finally a little after 10:00 a.m, Joe showed up. He said he was sorry he overslept, but he was tired. I didn't say anything then, but later I told him I was hurt, because if he really cared about me, he would have set his alarm to get up. He knew how anxious I was about this treatment, and since he had not seen the doctor since the initial visit, I thought maybe he would have liked to have been in on my progress. He got angry and said that he had said he was sorry, but he was just really tired and I should understand. Then he went upstairs to his den.

The next day was Thursday. He didn't speak to me or ask me how I was all day. Friday morning he said Hi and then left for work. I started hurting Thursday night, was up Thursday night, hurt all day Friday and Friday night. He and my kids worked at our church BBQ all day Saturday. My Dad told him I had been hurting all day Saturday. He did come in and talk to me then. I was really hurting, and when I don't feel good, my attitude usually is not good. It comes back around when I'm feeling better, but sometimes I just feel depressed when I'm hurting. I thought a husband was someone you could share your fears and your doubts to, so I did share with him how I was worried about the cancer coming back after treatment, how I felt left out at home and at my job, etc. He really didn't say much, but listened. I was up all night Saturday night and still hurting Sunday morning. Joe and the kids went to church. I called my doc and he prescribed some pain medicine and a steroid and told me to try the pain med first. Joe and the kids ate lunch at his Moms house. He went and got my meds. He took a nap until it was time to go to choir practice. Asked me if I felt better, which the pain med did not help and I was still aching, and left with the kids. They got home at 8:00 pm. He asked me how I was doing. I was still aching and I was upset. He told me I was going to have to try harder and hang in there. I told him I was to Shut Up, that I was trying as hard as I could. He told me that my negative attitude made him mad, that my talk of the reoccurence of cancer made him mad, and he didn't like me talking that way. I told him that I couldn't be Mary Sunshine all the time. He said I was going to have to get rid of the negativity, because he couldn't stand it. I told him to just get out, that that is not what I needed from him. So he went upstairs.

All I wanted was someone I could share with what I was feeling. It's hard to be Up all the time especially when you're not feeling well. I just wanted someone to take care of me for just a little while. I wanted to be able to share how hard it is sometimes. I don't act like this often. It's just when I'm not feeling well.

Am I wrong to be angry with him. Am I mean?? Am I wrong to want someone I can just let know all my fears without being told I am not trying and have a bad attitude?

He didn't talk to me this morning and probably won't until I apologize.

Can anybody help me? Am I mean?

Linda

Comments

  • Lisa Rose
    Lisa Rose Member Posts: 597 Member
    Hi Frog08,

    No you are not expecting to much from your husband he should be by your side . NO QUESTION ABOUT THAT!!!! SHAME ON HIM...

    However it sounds like your hubby is scared , and by not dealing with it is easier for him . In a marriage when one gets cancer really you both do . It sounds like he is hurting and can't deal with it. Has he talked to anyone since your diagnosis often seeking help can make a big difference be it a good friend or a professional . I know because I myself went to see a psychologist he or she will be there to listen to you regarding all your fears about recurrence and anything else you may need to talk about . Believe me it makes a big difference to pour your heart out . Dealing with your cancer treatment is going to take all your positive energy and it's not the time for any silent treatment .

    If You Need A Friend Please Write.
    Lisa
  • hummingbyrd
    hummingbyrd Member Posts: 950 Member
    Lisa Rose said:

    Hi Frog08,

    No you are not expecting to much from your husband he should be by your side . NO QUESTION ABOUT THAT!!!! SHAME ON HIM...

    However it sounds like your hubby is scared , and by not dealing with it is easier for him . In a marriage when one gets cancer really you both do . It sounds like he is hurting and can't deal with it. Has he talked to anyone since your diagnosis often seeking help can make a big difference be it a good friend or a professional . I know because I myself went to see a psychologist he or she will be there to listen to you regarding all your fears about recurrence and anything else you may need to talk about . Believe me it makes a big difference to pour your heart out . Dealing with your cancer treatment is going to take all your positive energy and it's not the time for any silent treatment .

    If You Need A Friend Please Write.
    Lisa

    I agree with Lisa Rose, hubby sounds scared and wants you to support his emotional needs right now. I will say this, at least he's got it together enough to take care of the kids. Mine went so far off he couldn't even function. Wouldn't work, wouldn't cook for me or the kids, avoided me at all costs, it was a down right shame. You know, like what happened to the better or worse part?
    My (ex) husband, pray a lot cause I don't want to see your marriage end up like mine, but now there was a lot of other stuff going on in mine besides my illness.
    Went for my initial scans, one week after diagnosis, to see if I had any mets. I came out of CT x-ray, expecting a how are you baby? Did they tell you anything? instead, 'He' was asleep in the waiting room. OK feelings hurt, but no biggie, it was 9:00 in the morning. Bone scan 1:00 PM, come out to a 'how did it go?' NOOOOOO, more like a sss..nore, sss...nore. In a hard chair in the waiting room! I wasn't in there maybe 30 minutes. THEN, that afternoon he gives me a ride back to the hospital so I can talk to radiologist and get results of scans. He STAYS in the car! When I come out guess what sleeping beauty is doing. LOL That's not the worst of it...HE NEVER EVEN ASKED ME WHAT THE RESULTS SHOWED! Needless to say, things went downhill from there. Whew! Don't know if that helps you any, but I feel better. LOL Just teasing.
    This disease is a condition that affects the whole family and needs to be addressed as such. It can have a funny effect on people, fear gets strange reactions, sometimes it brings out a part of the person's personality you never saw before. Stress can be very destructive, then there are those who 'buck up' to it and wait to fall apart after the battle is over. Don't forget the kids too. They may not be saying anything, but you'd be surprised what they may be thinking. Counseling may be really beneficial, if everyone agrees to go. AND PLEASE! Don't forget God. I may have given you this before, if so pardon my chemobrain, but I recommend you visit this website
    http://www.urcctc.com
    It is Christian based. It is how I survived all that I went through, it may help, I hope so. God bless you girl, and know you have loads of support here. ((((HUGS)))) hummingbyrd
  • frog08
    frog08 Member Posts: 26

    I agree with Lisa Rose, hubby sounds scared and wants you to support his emotional needs right now. I will say this, at least he's got it together enough to take care of the kids. Mine went so far off he couldn't even function. Wouldn't work, wouldn't cook for me or the kids, avoided me at all costs, it was a down right shame. You know, like what happened to the better or worse part?
    My (ex) husband, pray a lot cause I don't want to see your marriage end up like mine, but now there was a lot of other stuff going on in mine besides my illness.
    Went for my initial scans, one week after diagnosis, to see if I had any mets. I came out of CT x-ray, expecting a how are you baby? Did they tell you anything? instead, 'He' was asleep in the waiting room. OK feelings hurt, but no biggie, it was 9:00 in the morning. Bone scan 1:00 PM, come out to a 'how did it go?' NOOOOOO, more like a sss..nore, sss...nore. In a hard chair in the waiting room! I wasn't in there maybe 30 minutes. THEN, that afternoon he gives me a ride back to the hospital so I can talk to radiologist and get results of scans. He STAYS in the car! When I come out guess what sleeping beauty is doing. LOL That's not the worst of it...HE NEVER EVEN ASKED ME WHAT THE RESULTS SHOWED! Needless to say, things went downhill from there. Whew! Don't know if that helps you any, but I feel better. LOL Just teasing.
    This disease is a condition that affects the whole family and needs to be addressed as such. It can have a funny effect on people, fear gets strange reactions, sometimes it brings out a part of the person's personality you never saw before. Stress can be very destructive, then there are those who 'buck up' to it and wait to fall apart after the battle is over. Don't forget the kids too. They may not be saying anything, but you'd be surprised what they may be thinking. Counseling may be really beneficial, if everyone agrees to go. AND PLEASE! Don't forget God. I may have given you this before, if so pardon my chemobrain, but I recommend you visit this website
    http://www.urcctc.com
    It is Christian based. It is how I survived all that I went through, it may help, I hope so. God bless you girl, and know you have loads of support here. ((((HUGS)))) hummingbyrd

    Thanks to you both for your replys. I don't know if he's scared or that kind of response just runs in his family. I remember when my Mom found out she had terminal liver cancer 12 years ago. Right after she had told me, I went back to my room to have a good cry. His father came back told me that that was how life was, and that I couldn't dwell on it. I needed to get on with my life. That is definitely not what I wanted to hear at that time. My husband's grandmother moved in with us after she had pnemonia and couldn't care for herself. She was taking breathing treatments of albuterol. One evening she couldn't walk well and we had to help her back to our den where she was sleeping. She felt so bad, and she started crying. Joe told her she was going to have to quick being so scared and nervous and to get over it. He said this to a 90 year old woman. He has never been a nurse maid. I've always done that. I know that he resents that fact that I am getting attention from others. His comment was, yeah everyone cares about you, but what about me? Hummingbird, I'm sorry for all you had to go through to. Your partner is the one that you are supposed to be able to share with and count on to help get you through this. It stinks when that doesn't happen. All I needed this weekend is someone to be there for me. I've been a care giver all my life. First with my mom and then with his grandmom. I just wanted someone I could lean on for a while.

    Thanks for your replies. They all help tremendously!!

    Love,
    Linda
  • DeeNY711
    DeeNY711 Member Posts: 476 Member
    I don't think that it is a matter of husbands being scared as much as it is husbands being inconvenienced. Taxotere, a close cousin of taxol, incapacitated me. My husband could not so much as wash a dish or a fork, but he had the time to spend hours upon hours with a whole network of contacts online to comfort him. Once when I was unable to eat prior to a procedure, he managed to cook a breakfast fit for a King, and gobbled down a huge plate of bacon and eggs right in front of me with great relish. When I came out into the waiting area after the procedure, guess who was not there. They would not let me go without an escort. When he showed up, he said he figured I would be a while and he went to get breakfast. I replied, but you just HAD breakfast and he snapped OKAY, SO I WENT TO GET LUNCH. He pulled the silent not speaking mode on the day of my mother's funeral. He dropped me off at the door of the hospital and drove off on two different occasions when I was having surgical procedures while on chemo and had difficulty with weakness and walking. The only thing I ever asked him for was to please take the responsibility of getting something for dinner for both of us the evening after my last surgical procedure. I made the request three days in advance. At 7:30 PM the night we came home following the surgical procedure, he whined about not being able to eat pizza or any other fast food because of the carbohydrates. This is the same man who snarfles down every blessed thing in the whole kitchen and then complains that there is no food. I found an unopened jar of pineapple preserves from a Christmas gift basket, some peanut butter and a few stale saltines that he accidentally overlooked, and that is what I had for dinner the night of the surgery. Before I was married, I thought that marriage was living with your very best friend in the whole world. For some lucky people, it is. However, you are not alone in your plight. At least we all have one another here. God bless. Love, Denise
  • blossomtime
    blossomtime Member Posts: 98
    Well my story is a little different. I was divorced about a yr before diagnosis. In a way that was a blessing. He was way too high maintainance. I had 8 rounds of chemo, 4 of FAC and 4 of Taxotere, 12 weeks Herceptin and then radiation.But some of your issues I feel relate to all of us. We are so consumed with all that goes with treatment, fear, discomfort, tiredness. I know it was hard for me to ask for help. I was a single mother with teenagers, so I had to keep going. Everybody elses lives seem to move on and we are stuck in a time warp. I went out shopping over this past weekend and realized that at this time last year I hardly went out in big crowds due to low counts. I went to work, came home and went to bed. It was major effort to even shop for groceries. Anyway I guess I am saying that try not to expect too much and you wont be disappointed. I had some family that just wasnt there for me, but you know what, it was their loss. So when something nice happens you will be so surprised and happy. I hope I dont sound preachy, I dont mean to be. Sure I got hurt feelings sometimes until I learned you can't change others only yourself. Try not to sweat the small stuff. Spend time working on things you yourself can change. Concentrate on getting well. It will be behind you soon and you can try to move on with your life. It is not easy and some days will be really hard, but the day after will hopefully be better. Hang in there, you are special.
  • inkblot
    inkblot Member Posts: 698 Member
    Those who love us and are close to us are typically stressed when we're in a crisis. In turn, that creates a crisis for them, yet we're still trying to deal with it on a different level. So, many times, everybody ends up stressed out. Those unable to communicate their fears and concerns (particularly children) end up "acting out" and/or doing and saying all the wrong things. Sometimes other's are as terrified as we may be. In short order though, the adults usually get a grip and swing into more supportive, helpful and positive actions. People (husbands included) just plainly don't know what to do sometimes or how to do it.

    Then you have those who actually go into a "poor me" victim role, soliciting and enjoying the attention and sympathy of others and become so caught up in it that they fail to be responsive to their loved one who needs them. It sort of evolves into being all about themselves because they can "hide" from any real emotions through that kind of diversion.

    Then sadly, there are those who are just simply selfish. They have little to give to anyone and sometimes, it isn't obvious until there's a crisis, at which time it becomes all TOO obvious. Many women end up divorcing these particular men, following bc. (Often, the men they counted on to be there, to be responsible and caring, really didn't have those qualities before the bc) Separation is not that uncommon but that too, leaves wounds which take time to heal. It's tragic for anyone to have to deal with feeling betrayed, neglected or uncared for at such an already difficult time.

    Whatever the reason, when a mate isn't being helpful and/or supportive, the fact remains that they aren't. If you've verbalized your needs and it still isn't working, then I'm with the others here on seeking professional help. Both parties owe it to themselves to try. If he won't go, then you still must go. For yourself. No matter what he will or will not concede regarding needing help, it is up to you to take the best care of yourself and that includes emotionally. We get surgery, chemo and rads for our cancer and our emotional injuries/pains deserve equally good care.

    I think if the men in our lives have our acknowledgement that we understand how they are feeling, it helps tremendously. Sometimes, we can help them by just stating our needs. It can help them to feel less "helpless" by giving them a better sense of positive direction...lets them know "what" to do. Most men aren't accustomed to "nurturing" in the same way that most women nurture and when scared and worried, may need help with becoming caretakers.

    Perhaps your husband cannot bear hearing your feelings about recurrence because he cannot "fix' it? Maybe it cuts too deeply yet and so he's defensively (and perhaps not even consciously) trying to create some distance? Anything is possible and exploring his feelings may be the thing which will get him un-stuck? Maybe he can't explore them with you because he's afraid he'll appear not in charge and/or vulnerable or doesn't want to burden you with his feelings? Talking with a professional may be the only thing which can help him sort it out and begin coping in a positive manner.

    I was fortunate that my husband was right there from the beginning...plugged in and always trying to anticipate my needs. When I'd become aware of that in him, I'd verbally let him know that I didn't need anything, or that maybe I needed a hug, a talk or whatever, at the moment. This helped him because he didn't have to figure out what he could do for me. He could then be there for me and then be able to shift his focus onto work, our son or something relaxing. I enjoyed the times when I knew my hubsand and/or son were just doing their own thing and enjoying time in not worrying about me and my needs. I didn't want them with me all the time or to feel that they were worrying about me all the time. Anytime I could shoo them out and into something fun, entertaining or just time for them without me, I was content. We continued to do a lot together as a family but they also needed the normalcy of doing things they'd always done together too. At least I thought so. Once they could see that I was doing ok, they both lightened up a lot and could be there for me in a more natural, relaxed fashion. Not worrying too much or feeling that they needed to be with me all the time. Yet, it was tough for my husband, early on, because he too was concerned and suffering through that "fear of the unknown". How would the surgery go? Would I heal well or have lots of pain? What would chemo be like? Rads? Would I come through healthy? It was a process for all of us but one in which we all got our "legs" so to speak and could support one another fully.

    Hope some of my experience may be helpful to you and please take good care of yourself, inside and out! Hopefully, your husband will get round to realizing the value of doing the same. There are many things in our lives which can challenge every fiber or our being. Making us behave weird or strangely, in our initial desperation. I hope that in your husbands case, some counseling will help him to get beyond it and more able to give you the support you need. And keep in mind that what's "normal" and ususal for one family may not seem normal for another. The priority is that everyone feels that their needs are being met and that they feel loved and cared for, by their own definitions, not someone else's. A whole lot less than bc can upset any family's "normal" and put everyone on edge but finding a way to communicate well can relieve a lot of the pressures. Hope he'll try!

    Wishing you:

    Love, light and laughter,
    Ink
  • TylersMom1
    TylersMom1 Member Posts: 57
    Hi Linda,

    I agree with Lisa and Hummingbyrd that it sounds like your husband is scared and doesn't know how to deal with it. Men are a different breed than women, when something goes wrong, they want to fix it. When they can't fix it, they don't know what to do. This being said, it is still no reason for him to act the way he does. Cancer does affect the entire family and the role of the patient and the caregivers are different. Your role is to fight as hard as you can and to take care of yourself. The caregiver's role is to help support you, mentally, physically, and spritually.

    My experience was totally different. My husband was, and still is, my rock. He was there for me and our son every second. I don't know what I would have done without him. I know that I am very lucky to have him and thank God every day.

    Have you tried sitting down and telling him what you need from him? Maybe he needs to be reminded that he is your caregiver right now and his job is to take care of you. His attitude has a lot to do with how you are feeling. He can't expect you to be upbeat all the time when you are hurting physically and not getting the support you need from him.

    Don't apologize for your questions; we are here to support each other. God bless...Cheryl
  • SweetSue
    SweetSue Member Posts: 217
    very eloquent speakers here!!!!!
    Not I!!!!!lol My husband has been wonderful, but when I was diagnosed he kept crying. I found myself taking care of him. The men seem to fall apart:some men even leave.
    The bottom line is the only people we can truly count on is ourselves .
    I pray a lot.
  • bullfrog13
    bullfrog13 Member Posts: 213
    Dear Frog08--1st off.FROGS RULE huh? ..lol Anyway, I have having much trouble with my hubby also..I admit, not to the magnatude that you all have been having
    I found that men just need to feel like they can FIX stuff. When they can NOT FIX what is wrong they go bonkers! I had to find something about me that he could FIX so he could feel like he was helping, and be "the man"... could it be that simple? probally not , but i worked for me.

    Good LUck and God Bless
    [email protected]