Thank you for all of you responses

newjersey25

I want to thank every one for their advice. I have to admit I had a little emotional breakdown today. I laid down for a nap and I just broke out in tears. I am so scared that this s**t will come back! I have be living in denile for a long time and I think my feelings are starting to surface. I hear alot of great survivor stories, but I also hear bad stories too. I am really scared now that the treatments are done and I feel like if I get any more bad news I will have a nervous breakdown! I really hate feeling so helpless about my life. I try to go on living like nothing has ever happened, but I can't. I know i'm babbling like an idiot and I probably don't make any sense. I'm so sad and I should be so happy that I am in remission, but i'm not. I think I should receive more chemo or something to really make sure it's gone. I don't know! I only cry when I am by myself because I don't want to upset the people around me. Every one is so happy for my good news, and they think everything is all said and done with. They have NO idea. I still have to live with the fact that it very well could come back. I feel like i'm going to explode from all of this stress!! Thanks for letting me vent. Fawn

DeeNY711

It took me a while to figure out the source of that feeling, Fawn, and for me it was the realization that even though the outlook was as good as it could possible be at the time, I would never have my life back exactly the way it was before. Everyone else effortlessly slides back into the way it all was before while we continue to struggle with this new altered being thing. I still think that part is unfair, but it doesn't bother me as much anymore except when others blurt out their little rosy pictures of how everything is going to be just fine from now on. It is almost like an order to put this aside and go back to the way it was. If that were possible, I'd be the first one there. Fawn, you will not continue to feel this awful, hun. It is hard to imagine a blissfully carefree day after this long string of bummers, but I promise you it will come. Hugs, Denise

badger

I think I just talked to yu in the chat room, Fawn. I hope you feel better knowing that there are many of us who, at one time or another, feel lost and confused and depressed. The thing is that we can't alter what the future holds for us - the best we can do is face whatever happens, good or bad, with as much courage and humor as we can. You are not alone. You have the support and prayers and love of all of those who care for you, and there are many more of those than you know. Be brave - it pays off! we will all pry for you - be of good cheer.

JKAlley

DeeNY711 said:

It took me a while to figure out the source of that feeling, Fawn, and for me it was the realization that even though the outlook was as good as it could possible be at the time, I would never have my life back exactly the way it was before. Everyone else effortlessly slides back into the way it all was before while we continue to struggle with this new altered being thing. I still think that part is unfair, but it doesn't bother me as much anymore except when others blurt out their little rosy pictures of how everything is going to be just fine from now on. It is almost like an order to put this aside and go back to the way it was. If that were possible, I'd be the first one there. Fawn, you will not continue to feel this awful, hun. It is hard to imagine a blissfully carefree day after this long string of bummers, but I promise you it will come. Hugs, Denise

Fawn, even thou I'm not at remission yet, I don't think your feeling anything that anyone else here hasen't felt. I'm still in the middle of chemo, yet I've already had the feeling from some that I should be moving on because I'm back at work. I think some of it is because I'm a very independent single mom (or used to be!!). I also can relate to only breaking down when I'm alone. If I do in front of family/friends/coworkers it freaks them out, and it's so hard to be strong all the time. And I also just babble, but you know what, we deserve the right to! That's why it's so important to have support from places like this, no one knows what your going through like those who have gone through it as well. Stay strong - you know you have it in you because you've gotten as far as you have - my heart goes out to you. Stay in touch, Judy

bullfrog13

DEar Fawn, its like you were reading my mind or something. I felt just like that. and still do at times and Ive been done about 9 months. I got this book called.. living beyond breat cancer -a surviors guide for when treatment is over and life begins again... by maris weiss.. get it.. it is wonderful book..much love and many hugs. jerilyn - bullfrog13

rainyday

NJ - There is no way for us to tell you that it won't come back, I truly wish there was. What you really have to keep in mind is that with all of the studies going on, testing of new medications, if it does come back there will only be more ammunition to fight it with. Remember that breast cancer is a treatable disease. No guarantees but if we are unlucky enough to be in this position at least we know that the available treatments are expanding rapidly. You might want to ask your doctor about anti-depressants for a little while. I just had my first chemo today, I am looking forward to being where you are. Good luck. Love, light and laughter.

hummingbyrd

Sorry you're so stressed NJ. I have a saying 'once diagnosed...always diagnosed'. But focusing on it too much is just satan's way of causing doubt and putting fear in your heart. Odds are probably higher that you'll get run over by a truck, than die of cancer, especially living in New Jersey. LOL Just teasing! Email me on this site if you want to chat. God bless. hummb

inkblot

Hi Fawn:

It's tough, I know. Yet, allowing ourselves to vent our feelings, fears and frustrations, helps us to find a perspective which is healthier and more fulfilling. It takes some time, patience and effort.

Don't allow the fear to rule your life. Decide right here, right now, that you will go forward with your life, taking the time to embrace all the people and things you love best. Make a promise to yourself that when your head hits the pillow at the end of every day, that you will have laughed, loved and found joy in the biggest part of that day. Maybe we can never go back and maybe we'll never be the same, but do we really want to be? I say that we can be better, stronger, less afraid and more determined to live life the way we really want to live it and love every minute of it.

If we can begin to see our cancer as something we
HAD, then we are on our way out of the darkness. We can let go of some of the trauma by working through it, by talking it out with people who understand and by being kind to ourselves every day. As we continue along our recovery, we begin to realise just how much we have to give to others, how much we've grown and how happy we are just to be alive and well. Why waste all that wonderful stuff in worry and fear?

Our cancers may never return. We can live long and finally pass from this world due to something completely unrelated. Living long is great but living happily and fully is better.

We can make a conscious decision that IF our cancer ever returns, then we will deal with it then. We can decide to enrich our lives and the lives of those around us or we can let the fear rule and sacrifice every day to worry and fears about things which haven't happened and may never happen. It's a control thing really. It isn't easy accepting that we don't know why we got breast cancer in the first place. It also isn't easy accepting that there are no guarantees that it won't ever come back in one form or another.
There's a certain peace in knowing that we did all that we could do to rid ourselves of it. A satisfaction in taking the best care of ourselves, so that we may reduce our risks for the future. That's very valuable stuff and very much worth the effort.

Don't despair! It's ok to cry. It's ok to feel sad. It's ok to feel angry. It's ok to feel anything you're feeling. It's all a natural part of our emotional recovery. There are bumps and cracks and hills along our journey and we can't hide from them. We all must start somewhere. One step at a time, one day at a time by working to smooth out some of the humps and bumps.

Hang in there because as many of the other ladies have said, it does get better. Days will begin to pass when you'll find yourself giving less and less thought and tears/fears to what you've been through and more and more thought to the quality of each day and what you want to do with it. Patience, small steps and a positive focus on getting to where you want to be and pretty soon you begin to realise just how far you've come! For every time that we crawl into our beds and cry, alone, we're moving closer to the light that will shine on our lives again. And IT WILL, if we are determined to push open our heavy doors and invite the light inside.

Wishing you good things and hope you're feeling better soon.

Love, light and laughter,
Ink

mc2001

"Jersey",
First of all, you are not "wrong" for feeling the way you do. I think it is normal to feel scared after treatment. For me, I was always scared to be at home during my breaks, but as soon as I went back to the UC San Francisco Cancer Center, I breathed a sigh of relief. Did I like being in a hospital? No. Am I a masochist and I like the needles and everything that comes with cancer treatments? No. But UCSF was my security. And at home, there was no security like in the hospital. I used to call it the de-institutionalized jitters :-) I would get scared too. Everything that happened was "probably leukemia". If I sneezed too many times, if I got a sharp pain in my head, and heaven forbid if I got the common cold. I thought I was getting the cancer back each time. But as time goes on, I became more confident and more relaxed. And I think the same will happen for you. But if your are really scared, which is still normal, you may want to talk with your doctor, and ask for an anti-anxiety medicine to help you cope. There is nothing wrong with that. It doesn't mean you are losing your mind, it doesn't mean you have no faith, and it certainly does not mean you are looking for an escape. You are dealing with this issue, and a medicine that helps you is not a bad thing, if you decide. Good luck and God bless.
-Michael

blossomtime

Hope you are feeling better. I really have gotten alot of support myself from the responses to your posting. I finished chemo in jan 2003, and radiation in march. I feel scared too, afraid it will come back. Friends and family do seem to be moving on and I feel they think I am dwelling on things if I try to talk about my feelings. Thats why I am so glad to have found the chat room. I have gotten alot of support from this and also feel since I have finished my treatment I can also help others who are still on that road. We are all in this together and I think we are special people. Good luck!