Signing off for a while

kat02 Member Posts: 76
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Hi everyone,

I will be going for more colon surgery tomorrow. When I had the bilateral in November I had three different surgeons (Breast, colon and gynocological. I saw a new specialist on March 1. I have been bleeding since the surgery in November. He determined that I needed to have further colon surgery. So I am scheduled to go in tomorrow. I feel good about it, because at least they are still willing to "tinker" with me. I look forward to hopefully being back online next week.

Special Request: Please keep my mother in your prayers. My mother remarried after my father died. Since then she has had minimal contact with my brother and me. My brother hasn't seen her since her wedding. Her husband doesn't want to accept that she had a family prior to marrying him. Over the past 12 years, I have learned to somehow deal with only seeing her at the most one time each year although she lives 20 minutes from us. I am lucky if I get to speak with her on the phone 1-2 times each year. He isolated her from everyone including her parents who died without seeing her in the last few years. They live in a closed community with security so I am not free to drive to see her. I have only seen my mother one time without my stepfather since their marriage. When I asked her to go with me to doctor's visits, hospital, etc. she told me that she couldn't go. So I really don't feel as if I have a mother. Part of it is my stepfather's fault, but she is an educated, intelligent woman who is also responsible for her own actions. I know that even if she can't call because it might show on a phone bill that she could by a phone card or send a card. This is turning into a long story. Right after my father died from colon cancer when I was seventeen, we discovered that my mother had breast cancer. It was stage 1 and she had a lumpectomy. She refused to do any other treatments. When she married she wouldn't even tell my stepfather. Through a revisionist history it is as if it never happened. This has always worried me, because even before she remarried she wouldn't go to doctors appointments or have regular mammograms. Well on Sunday, she called and when I asked how she was she said not well. She went for a colonoscopy and they found a blockage low in the colon. They couldn't remove it or get past it to see if there are any other problems. She is to see the surgeon today. She has been a diabetic since age 2 so that complicates everything. She will need a food tube for the surgery and will be hospitalized longer. I don't even know who her doctors are as they get their medical care on the other side of the state. I tried to call her back after she called me but they have had the phone off the hook since her call. So I sent her a letter with other thoughts that I have had since her phone call. That is the way it has been since her marriage. I am the puppet and she is the puppet master. I really don't know what to do for her. I was able to tell her about my own surgeries. Hopefully, it will just be a huge polyp. But I did try to encourage her that whatever the outcome, no matter what the doctors say she has to stay positive. I told her that we have found that the first doctor might not be the right one, and that you can never accept that the situation is hopeless. I said after all my original doctors refused surgery since they found my situation hopeless.

I don't know, I just didn't know what to do when I received the call. My mother has never known me as an adult. I don't think that she even realizes what Tom and I have been going through. I feel horrible because I will be out of commission in another hospital hours away and I can't be there for her. Although in reality, I can't imagine that my stepfather would let us be there. My husband has no sympathy, because he knows how much I have hurt since she hasn't been there for me. He is right that she has done nothing for me, but she is still my mother and no matter what she has done to me even after all of these years I love her. So the only things that I know to do is to send her cards and to please ask all of you to include her in your prayers. It was really a surreal experience to receive her call on Sunday knowing that I was scheduled for colon surgery this week.

I apologize for rambling! I hope that you all have a blessed week.

Love, Prayer and hugs,



  • jmears
    jmears Member Posts: 266
    Thanks for your suggestions...I'll discuss it with my Oncologist... he's the best doctor I have right now.
    The situation with your mother is heartbreaking. I can't imagine how painful it must be. I'll pray that you both get well quick and that the situation changes and you and your mother can reunite. Take care. Jamie
  • cruf
    cruf Member Posts: 908
    Hi Kat!You've been through alot and without the help of your mom! I know how hard this must be but you sound like you have adjusted to the situation as well as you can! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your mom! Good luck with your surgery! Keep us informed when you are home and feeling better. HUGS!! Cathy
  • sbruney
    sbruney Member Posts: 19
    Dear Kat, you will be in my prayers and your mother, also. Sandy
  • lilmermaid
    lilmermaid Member Posts: 31
    Hi Kat it's Sylvia. I'm so sorry to hear about the situation with your mother, I can't even imagine it. Believe my you and your family will be in my prayers. Good luck with the surgery. Love and prayers
  • shirlann
    shirlann Member Posts: 229
    Hi, dear Kat, what a terrible story. Having been involved with two step-parents, both of my parents remarried, I have some knowledge of what you are going through. Obviously, your step-dad is nuts, paranoid, and who knows what else, but that is not your grief, I know. Your mom must have a misguided sense of duty to him, much like abused women, we so often say, well, why didn't they just leave, before he half-killed them, and if you have seen any interviews on TV, they seem puzzled themselves at why they have tolerated the controlling treatment. It is probably a character flaw from way back. But, to be perfectly honest, you simply have to let it go. Having her so close is terrible, I know she loves you, but this man has her either scared or brainwashed or something. Thank our dear Lord you seem to have a wonderful family a husband who is supportive and understands. I don't think we ever really resolve this. My mom died and I could only think, she is MY mom, and I have to let this stranger man decide what she wears in her casket, what happens to all her things, everything. It nearly broke my heart. I wanted her to myself, but it wasn't to be. Sometimes in life we just have to go on. I and my dear, dear husband adopted a beautiful baby girl to complete our family. We had 3 great sons and I so wanted a daughter. Well, at 17 she ran off to the drug scene and we never ever even see her. She would be 36 now, and I sure wish she was in my life. I grieved for years and prayed a lot, blamed myself, grieved some more and then finally, a little peace descended and I thought, well, wait a minute, I was the best mom I could be, and what she does with her life is no longer under my control. My heart broke, but I did recover. I have found peace at last, even though nothing will ever change. God bless you, dear girl, I know very well the heart break you speak of. When you are well and doing okay yourself you can fill up your life with so many things, but when you have BC you just want your mom, me too and I am 66. God hold you in his arms. Shirlann
  • maud
    maud Member Posts: 178
    Dear Kat,
    So sorry to hear about your situation. My heart goes out to you and I will remember you and your Mom in my prayers.Please take care and keep us poasted when you are up to it. God Bless
  • 24242
    24242 Member Posts: 1,398
    You are one incredible daughter you know kat. Even though you have so much on your own plate your concerns seem not so much for yourself but for your mother as well. You are amazing to have so much understanding for your mother in such a situation. I will keep you close to my heart kat and you will be on our minds. Take good care of yourself Kat, good luck with your sugery and most of all be good to yourself.
    Love with hugs,
  • inkblot
    inkblot Member Posts: 698 Member

    I understand a bit of what you're going through with your mother. Yet right now, you need all your strength for healing, taking good care of yourself and sharing with your husband and children.

    Although you love her, you cannot hope to change her. Any change must come from inside herself. Unless she is in chains, against her will, in which case you'd call the authorities, what else can you do right now? If she is happy with her choices, then
    you must try to be difficult as that can be. We cannot control the emotions of others but can work on controlling our own. That's one of the few things we're really in charge of in our lives. I've been there and I know the effort it takes.

    You and your mother will be in my thoughts and prayers as I wish you both the best in healing and happiness.

    I'd like to share a quote with's by Mark Twain (I may have a word out of place but you'll see the meaning just the same)
    "Forgiveness is the fragrance which the violet sheds upon the heel that crushed it"

    Love, light and laughter,
  • sickoncomp
    sickoncomp Member Posts: 12
    Family life just gets really sucky some times. I know you love your mother and you should try to play a mix of the good child and the protect yourself roles. There is no easy answer, I'm sorry you have had to put up with this--some of have had to and it doesn't make it right or easy. All I can say is do the best thing that makes you feel good about your efforts and the best thing that allows you to survive with your sanity and respect for your needs intact. For you, it's about finding a balance between your growth and survival and your guilt. It's not easy.

    My mom died of lung cancer in 1967 when I was a child and left to learn the ropes by myself, tying so hard to be the good daughter, and when my father, who did love me but didn't know how to show it, who died of melanoma three years ago and left everything to a wicked stepmother he never wanted to face for his daughters.

    Learn to do what feels right by your mom and is also right for you.