dating after reconstruction

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shellsinthesun
shellsinthesun Member Posts: 3
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Has anyone had start dating again, after reconstuction? I am just about finished with my reconstruction, doing nipples in 2 weeks and removing ports. How does somebody bring up the subject of oh by the way I had a double mastecomy and these are reconstructed breasts. I am real worried that in dating this might be a problem
help, any stories or suggestions.
shellsinthesun

Comments

  • lauramarie
    lauramarie Member Posts: 39
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    Hello Shells.... Congrats on finishing your reconstruction... I to faced dateing after cancer. I have to tell you I was pretty open about my situation. I think I shocked a few men along the way... LOL.. I wanted them to know right up front what I had been through so I pretty much worked the topic into consversation pretty soon after meeting someone. When I met my now husband I felt the need to discribe the scars in detail before I showed him... and when he saw them... he didn't see them at all.... All he saw was the women he had already fallen in love with. So my advise to you... If he's the right man... and a man worth your time. He will see through the scares and see the beautiful woman inside.

    All My Good Wishes your Way, Laura
  • mrsbe
    mrsbe Member Posts: 57
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    Hi shell,
    In answer to your question ive not been but my best friend was and we talked about this same issue. She told me noone other than the surgeon and her radiologist had seen her chest, (she had her left breast removed no reconstruction yet). She was extremly nervous and i told her I would probably bring it up rather quickly if you can see the relationship may become intiment. She asked me to come over and while shaking she took my hand and put it on her chest underneath her shirt and just held it there and shook and cried I remained silent and allowed this to happen then she showed me her scar. She said just letting someone see her that she knew would not judge her in the way she now appeared and letting that first time she opened up be with a friend rather than someone she may not know how they would handle it let her prepare herself for whatever happend with him. I hope this does not sound silly to you but you may try this with a really close friend you trust. Practice i guess for lack of a better word.
    I hope all works out well for you and enjoy being back out there =).

    MrsBe
  • momof2
    momof2 Member Posts: 81
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    Hi there. Well, I am in the same situation as you. I haven't started my reconstruction yet, but the only people who have seen my scars are my husband who has now left me, my sister and my best friend. I am sure soon enough that I will be facing the whole dating thing and I like you am quite nervous about it. My friends, including my guy friends and the guy who I've been seeing off and on for a while have been so supportive and have all even asked if they can see them when they are done. The guy I've been seeing has been pretty supportive of me and doesn't mind that I leave my shirt on for intiment times. They have all been so supportive of things and everyone of the friends, including the men have all said the same thing, who cares you are still here and that's what matters to us. Obviously it didn't matter to my husband, but there are so many others out there who care and are supportive. THings will go alright for us I'm sure! I would love to hear from you again and talk with you about your reconstruction process as I will be starting mine next month. Take care!

    Carrie
  • shellsinthesun
    shellsinthesun Member Posts: 3
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    Hello Shells.... Congrats on finishing your reconstruction... I to faced dateing after cancer. I have to tell you I was pretty open about my situation. I think I shocked a few men along the way... LOL.. I wanted them to know right up front what I had been through so I pretty much worked the topic into consversation pretty soon after meeting someone. When I met my now husband I felt the need to discribe the scars in detail before I showed him... and when he saw them... he didn't see them at all.... All he saw was the women he had already fallen in love with. So my advise to you... If he's the right man... and a man worth your time. He will see through the scares and see the beautiful woman inside.

    All My Good Wishes your Way, Laura

    Laura Thanks for the encouraging words. I have told people I want to be upfront, because I stress honesty in relationships, and most have told me to hold back. Stillon the fence on this. I guess I will wait till I meet someone and see how it goes.
    michelle
  • shellsinthesun
    shellsinthesun Member Posts: 3
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    momof2 said:

    Hi there. Well, I am in the same situation as you. I haven't started my reconstruction yet, but the only people who have seen my scars are my husband who has now left me, my sister and my best friend. I am sure soon enough that I will be facing the whole dating thing and I like you am quite nervous about it. My friends, including my guy friends and the guy who I've been seeing off and on for a while have been so supportive and have all even asked if they can see them when they are done. The guy I've been seeing has been pretty supportive of me and doesn't mind that I leave my shirt on for intiment times. They have all been so supportive of things and everyone of the friends, including the men have all said the same thing, who cares you are still here and that's what matters to us. Obviously it didn't matter to my husband, but there are so many others out there who care and are supportive. THings will go alright for us I'm sure! I would love to hear from you again and talk with you about your reconstruction process as I will be starting mine next month. Take care!

    Carrie

    Carrie,
    Good luck on starting your reconstruction. A few words of wisdom. DON"T BE IN A RUSH. It takes time and alot of patience. I had a few minor mishaps, during it but coming along well. I have let me ex husband see the to date progess and he says it is fine. One thing I guess I had in my favor was he was willing to lend some support. I am have my nipples done in 2weeks then I will be done. With another relationship so to speak, I tried the cover up keeping my top on during intimate times, and not quite sure how that went they say one thing and mean another possibly, as I haven't heard from him ina while. Keep in touch. Good luck
    michelle
  • cekramer
    cekramer Member Posts: 33
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    Hi,

    I'm turning 35 in a couple weeks and am struggling with dating again. Though I only had a lumpectomy, I have a 4 in. scar and am concerned about when/how to tell re. my surgery. I told one guy during dinner on a second date, and never heard from him again. Another is still calling, his mom died from bc, but not sure if he's changed his attitude toward me or not. And the one person I really like, I am afraid to tell right away but imagine us getting intimate soon so how can I avoid it? I know that it should weed the good ones out but it is tough to follow through on revealing such a big thing. Good luck with your surgery.

    C
  • JustRenay
    JustRenay Member Posts: 54
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    cekramer said:

    Hi,

    I'm turning 35 in a couple weeks and am struggling with dating again. Though I only had a lumpectomy, I have a 4 in. scar and am concerned about when/how to tell re. my surgery. I told one guy during dinner on a second date, and never heard from him again. Another is still calling, his mom died from bc, but not sure if he's changed his attitude toward me or not. And the one person I really like, I am afraid to tell right away but imagine us getting intimate soon so how can I avoid it? I know that it should weed the good ones out but it is tough to follow through on revealing such a big thing. Good luck with your surgery.

    C

    I had similar experience
    I had bi-lateral mastectomy (only stage I cancer) because I was so worried about recurrance. I also had reconstruction via/implants, nipple reconstruction and tattooing. Tho I'm very happy with the result...they definitely do not really look or feel completely natural. I dated one man when I still had just one natural breast and the mastectomy scar on the other, prior to reconstruction. I was honest up front, and we dated awhile and it even got to the point of physical intimacy...and I never saw him again after that, even tho he said he was ok with it...guess he wasn't....so I am almost 5 years out from my diagnosis, and 1 years out from the last of my reconstructive surgeries...and terrified of getting out there again. Would also appreciate any advice anyone has to offer. Renay
  • pinkapples
    pinkapples Member Posts: 54 Member
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    He IS out there
    I am in a slightly different situation, and orginally hesitated to respond since I am in a relationship, but I feel compelled to share with you the following with you and JustRenay:

    I started dating a man this past Jan. I was dx Feb 4th. I of course, gave hime the option to bail and he said no way. Ends up I had to have a bi-lat mastectomy, and he still stayed. I wont bore you with the details between now and then, but I will say that initially I was terrified to let him see me post-surgery and I too kept a shirt on when we began being intimate. However, I am now a week and a half out of my final exchange surgery and with his love, I have become able to "bare all" and you know what? He doesnt even see the scars! Heck, I dont even see the scars ;)He looks at me with so much love and is truly happy to have me, the person, regardless of the scars, or lack of real breasts. I dont even have nipples yet.
    Here is the irony, the twist***
    I have been a single woman for more years than I care to admit, and honestly had given up on romance and thought I would never find the right man for me. Yet, in the middle of the most chaotic time in my life I found him (or HE found me!) and here we are....the type of couple I'd always envied. He is the love of my life and I am his.
    My simple (yet apparantly long winded!) point is, the right man IS out there and regardless of where you are at in dealing with bc, he will find you, love you and none of this bc crapp will even matter, because he will love you, the person...
    Hang in there, have faith, and at the risk of sounding cliche: when you least expect it, you will find him!!!
  • JustRenay
    JustRenay Member Posts: 54
    Options

    He IS out there
    I am in a slightly different situation, and orginally hesitated to respond since I am in a relationship, but I feel compelled to share with you the following with you and JustRenay:

    I started dating a man this past Jan. I was dx Feb 4th. I of course, gave hime the option to bail and he said no way. Ends up I had to have a bi-lat mastectomy, and he still stayed. I wont bore you with the details between now and then, but I will say that initially I was terrified to let him see me post-surgery and I too kept a shirt on when we began being intimate. However, I am now a week and a half out of my final exchange surgery and with his love, I have become able to "bare all" and you know what? He doesnt even see the scars! Heck, I dont even see the scars ;)He looks at me with so much love and is truly happy to have me, the person, regardless of the scars, or lack of real breasts. I dont even have nipples yet.
    Here is the irony, the twist***
    I have been a single woman for more years than I care to admit, and honestly had given up on romance and thought I would never find the right man for me. Yet, in the middle of the most chaotic time in my life I found him (or HE found me!) and here we are....the type of couple I'd always envied. He is the love of my life and I am his.
    My simple (yet apparantly long winded!) point is, the right man IS out there and regardless of where you are at in dealing with bc, he will find you, love you and none of this bc crapp will even matter, because he will love you, the person...
    Hang in there, have faith, and at the risk of sounding cliche: when you least expect it, you will find him!!!

    :)
    Thank you so much pink...and you're not long winded...some days I really need to hear stories like yours...and it helps so much...I know there are many good men out there, probably alot of them with insecurities of their own...but you're right...it's so terrifying the first time...and the first discussion...when to talk about it, how to handle their response...all of it is very difficult...but reading posts like yours really does helm me to want to keep trying...thanks for caring enough to share. Renay