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2 years ago

Patteee's picture
Patteee
Posts: 950
Joined: Jul 2009

2 years ago I was coming off my last oxili treatment. I was in very rough shape. Spend the last week of Oct in the hospital for dehydration. I was so weak, truly could not do much for so long. I continued with 5FU- but that was a piece of cake after the oxili.

Going to repeat myself here- cause this stuff is going to be a part of my life for years to come. The memory never really has died, but other things and mostly time have helped to get beyond it and see the other side of it.

I had a vile mouth on chemo. In late Sept of 08 I was hospitalized for a mouth so swollen I couldn't get my mouth open or speak. Those mouth issues continued (although never quite that bad)- everything tasted like sh*t. It was brutal. I was on not only magic mouthwash, but an oral morphine that would give me some what of a break so I could get some calories in me. I was so sick- I really was a cancer chemo patient then. No doubt. I remember the intense loneliness hitting- the tears rolling down my cheeks with the reality at how sick I was and how alone I was. I would look in the mirror and just cry- I aged light years- horrible circles under my eyes, severe sweating, hardly any hair.

One thing? I craved food. I overdosed on the food channel, I collected recipes, I was seriously thinking about a career change to being a chef. I wanted to eat so badly. And everything I put in my mouth was sh*t. Even water.

I gradually started to get better- those first weeks in Nov were long and not fun.

We went to my daughter-in-laws parent's home for Thanksgiving. I was just dying looking at the food. I wanted to put my face in the potatoes. I took a few things on my plate, kept thinking to myself, just take this or this to be polite. I knew it would be a lost cause, nothing would work to get me through the meal. I took a bite of turkey- listening to the conversation- then a bite of stuffing. OH MY THIS WAS GOOD. I remember looking around the table, the tears falling- and one bite after another I ate. And I ate and I ate. Crying through the whole thing. Everything tasted like good food. Everything.

Even now I tear up when I think of the experience. It was as though I had my life back. I could eat again. And it was so beautiful.

Thanksgiving blessings to you and yours.

With love from Minnesota,

Patteee

abrub's picture
abrub
Posts: 2132
Joined: Mar 2010

Patteee - how touching. May all of your Thanksgivings be full of joy.

Alice

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6549
Joined: Feb 2009

Isn't Thanksgiving Dinner just the ultimate. So glad that you can enjoy it. Happy Thanksgiving to you again this year.

Kim

pepebcn's picture
pepebcn
Posts: 6352
Joined: Aug 2010

Pattee!

Luv2lunch
Posts: 272
Joined: Aug 2010

Pattee,
What a wonderful story. It brought a tear to my eye also. Thank you for sharing.
Happy Thanksgiving and go eat up a storm :)
Linda and Ellie

AnneCan
Posts: 3692
Joined: Oct 2009

Thanks for sharing that story. Just look at how far you have come. I hope this year's Thanksgiving is the best ever!

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 8077
Joined: Aug 2005

I remember, too! But it was Christmas for me....day before I was taken off my first 5FU round...

Hugs, Kathi

msccolon's picture
msccolon
Posts: 1956
Joined: Oct 2004

And I hope the others at the table were aware of the miracle they were witnessing! This is a wonderful story! Happy thanksgiving!
mary

sharpy102's picture
sharpy102
Posts: 370
Joined: Apr 2009

@Patteee: you "woke me up"...last year this time, I experienced Thanksgiving...in my country, we don't have Thanksgiving. I had it last year for the very first time because of getting adopted by two people who are Americans and live here in the US. Last year this time, I was mad at Thanksgiving. I said to myself "whatta heck should I be thankful for? I have no one...my parents and sibling left way earlier than they should've...there's nothing for me to be thankful for..." And I was really angry and hated everything. This year, although I'm not looking at it with hatred, but I had the same thoughts...there's nothing for me to be thankful for-really. Up until I read your post...I realized I do. Because even though life is a big pile of (brown material that stinks if there's no breeze at all), I still got another chance. I've got a chance to get "parents", and maybe I don't see it right now, but it will somehow pay off for me. I'm sure I'll have moments when I'll look back and say "Damn! I was so lucky back then that things happened the way they did." Of course, no one can replace my real parents, and no one can change what happened in the past...but I'll show my parents that I didn't screw up my life just because they left. I'll show them that I am capable of becoming someone they wanted to raise me if they didn't have to hurry off so soon. So, Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! I'll have to find the meaning of Christmas still...I'm still nervous and scared about that...I sometime think, it would be really nice to fall asleep and just wake up sometimes in March...you know...get over the celebrations without being conscious and without having to live through them....well...anyway...I'll be strong...or at least, I'll try. And thanks Patteee for sharing your story with us! You helped me already!
Take care!
Sophie

AnneCan
Posts: 3692
Joined: Oct 2009

You are so inspiring! I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I love your posts.

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5056
Joined: Feb 2008

Wow. I never thought a post about food would make me cry, but this one did. So touching!

*hugs*
Gail

Nana b's picture
Nana b
Posts: 3045
Joined: May 2009

Me too Gail! My family postponed their Thanksgiving until could eat in 2008. I can relate.

Man, the memories we now hold!

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