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How does hearing about other people' misery make you feel better?

Inshallamiami
Posts: 1
Joined: Jul 2017

First let me say I'm a mess. My husband died 5 weeks ago, 6 weeks after diagnosis Of liver cancer. And I'm curious about a lot of things. 1.  How do words help? They won't bring my husband back from the dead so what good are they?  2. How does reading about other people' grief help? How can YOUR misery make me feel better? I think that's pretty disturbing.  3. Why do people go into every damn detail about how their spouse died? How does that help you, or the reader or anyone? It's heartbreaking to read, but what good does it do?  4. Why do I reallly resent people who grieve who have money, a house etc.. why do I hate these people in particular.  5.And don't get me started on the god silliness.

I can see how actions help. But how do words help? and YOUR misery just makes me feel bad for you, doesn't help me, how does it going on in great detail help you? . So I must be missing something. Oh and I never used to be this angry, but I guess it's the new me. But I don't like this new me. 

 

 

JosephK
Posts: 65
Joined: Jun 2017

only that I know how you feel and understand your grief. You are not alone although you probably feel that you are but you are not. We all deal with this grief in different ways. I felt alone when it first happened to me. People would say to me "I'm sorry for your loss" but that didn't do anything for me. The only way I was able to deal with it was to be amongst those who actually understood how I felt. Unfortunately, those were others who have expereienced loss. You can deal with your grief the way you think thats best for you. But I can only tell you that by being with others who understood and had been through the same thing as me is what worked best for me. I truly hope you find peace in this journey. It's not easy and I understand what you are going through.

Ms Vick 76's picture
Ms Vick 76
Posts: 8
Joined: Apr 2017

Inshallamiami - Just reading your thread - Words don't always help - to some they are a comfort, of knowing you're not alone. To some they seem hollow and meaningless. I find myself bouncing between these two even 4 months later. Some people just need to tell their story, to get the words out there, a tribute to their loved ones or a testiment to their own experience. But you're right they won't bring your loved one back. I tried the grief support groups - they just made me angry - it felt like a competetion for who was the most devestated. I like that there are no lectures here, no "they're in a better places" or cliches. It's just people who have been through or who are going through something similar to me...  For me it wasn't about feeling better - it was about not being so alone and isolated by my grief. Nothing about this is easy...you've got every right to be angry... 

Party of 1 in CA's picture
Party of 1 in CA
Posts: 2
Joined: Sep 2017

I have changed my hair 6 times, color and length, in the last year.  I have lost and gained the same 12 lbs 3 times. I have tried to get involved with new things, old things(hobbies, I mean), I have paid the bills by myself for over 2 years.  What I haven't done is adjust to life.  I know having a job would be prudent, but I have anxiety when I try to imagine being someone other than the pretty blank sheet of paper I stare at not having worked in the last 10 years. My husband worked and wanted me home.  Fine with me.  His cancer was sudden and quick, although there were signs we did not catch.  But I have gotten used to the question "How many?" when I go out to eat.  Because it is always 1.  

 I have just recently begun to be angry.  The parts of grief are not necessarily an ordered process.  Sounds like you got to anger real quick.  I was numb for almost a year.  For me , reading that other people had a story helped me to thaw and deal with my own loss.  And accept I was not going crazy, just experiencing an extreme loss of my established life with the passing of my husband from cancer.  Just over 2 years ago.

Sadtweety's picture
Sadtweety
Posts: 3
Joined: Oct 2017

I just lost my husband and wonder same things

 

Sadtweety's picture
Sadtweety
Posts: 3
Joined: Oct 2017

How why  have been asking myself.  He was diagnosed with MDS April 27 2017. Went through 3 treatments all seemed well.  Abdominal issue presented itself end of July.  Admitted to hospital. The abdomen was distended due to AML.  Went through induction chemotherapy   dropped from 46% to 3%  amazing.  Found a bone marrow donor  then downhill.  Tuesday repeat biopsy shows almost 100%leukaemia blasts. They say less than 48 hours.   He passes into heaven on the 29th.  I am besides myself.  Very little support. 

JosephK
Posts: 65
Joined: Jun 2017

It's very sad to hear of your loss. I wish I had the words to help you through this. I know how you feel. I've asked myself why did this have to happen? Please go to a grief group. I don't know if it will help you through this time but it might. Grief is different for everybody, you just have to find what works for you. Trust me, I know. I'm still mourning my loss and I will for the restof my life. We all will mourn our loss. I wish you peace and strength through this journey. It will not be easy. My thoughts are with you

AnnaLeigh's picture
AnnaLeigh
Posts: 185
Joined: Jan 2010

You have brought up a very, very important topic and you are correct! Words do not help! Every situation, every person, and every circumstance is different so how could words from some one who did not live your experience help?

The greatest comfort anyone has given me is their willingness to LISTEN. Listening without judgement and listening without trying to fix my grief. I am not broken and I do not need to be fixed. I need to grieve in my own way and in my own time. Not according to what someone else thinks is appropriate or healthy. That is why I have found these discussion boards to be so important. It gives me an opportunity to express what I need to say and the beautiful people in this group are willing to let me be my own person with my own opinions and they are supportive even when I need to go back to the anger stage of grief again.

Reading posts from other people on this board lets me know what I am going through is normal. There is no proper way to grieve and there is no calendar or schedule for the right way to go through this process. This group has also given words to some of the feelings I have had but couldn't quite express what I was going through. It has also helped me sort out the tangle of emotions that were wrapped around my heart.

Thank you for your post Inshallamiami. Now I don't feel so frustrated at the innocent, blissful people who have not lived through our experiences and want to help the only way they know how. With meaningless words.

Give me an ear and a shoulder to cry on any day rather than trying to talk me out of the real pain and emptiness that hits me like a huge boulder when I least expect it.

Please come here often. You have a lot to give this community and gave words to the questions I know we have all asked ourselves.

Blessings and comfort to you.

ClaCla
Posts: 137
Joined: Jul 2017

I find support groups and friends invaluable.  It is immensely comforting to feel you are not going through grief and hardship alone.  Sharing gives people an opportunity to hear the healthy ways others are handling their similar situations.  Those people may also give me insight about how I'm screwing up or handling my grief in an unhealthy way.  It gives me an opportunity to turn my attention outisde myself to someone I might be able to help.  It helps create life-long, very honest friendships.  And it teaches me how to love and be loved.

You are going through what is my very biggest fear, the loss of my spouse, so I commend you for posting in a support group forum.  I hope you keep it up. 

 

Coldbiker's picture
Coldbiker
Posts: 22
Joined: Jan 2016

For me, comes down to being reminded I'm not the only one  going through this and even though most of us feel we are. That reminder is a grounding rod for the bad times. I have been on a few grieving forums where it was a bit much, and I couldn't continue reading them.

tammie087
Posts: 1
Joined: Nov 2017

Words do not help me at all. No matter what anyone says, it never lessens the pain I am feeling at that moment. However, reading or hearing about other peoples grief does make me feel better. It reminds me that I am not alone in my struggles, that other people also feel pain and go through same terrible situation as I do, and that somehow lessens the impact (albeit for a tiny while). It makes me realise that its not only me that bad stuff happens to, and helps me ease the pain of questions such as "Why me?" and "Why did this have to happen?". Reminds me that life sometimes really just happens without a reason and that life is unfair, and that its not the universe who is angry at me or trying to teach me a lesson. That doesnt completely help me of course, but eases the pain and suffering for a bit...

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