Not the Day or the Way I Wanted to Mark 9-Years:(

1246

Comments

  • annalexandria
    annalexandria Member Posts: 2,571
    Ah $HIT!

    Pardon my French, but wow, I am so upset by this.  Haven't been on the forum for a couple of days.  Left on a high note with your good news, and come back to read all of this.  I can't imagine what you're feeling right now, Craig.  Based on how I'm feeling, as your virtual pal, you must be reeling.  There are so many wise words from others here, I guess all I can say is that I know you will face whatever is coming down the road with your usual courage and grace.

    I remember back when I got to NED, and you wrote a post warning me that NED often wasn't forever, and then deleted it, I suppose because you didn't want to be a downer...but I had already read that post, and thought what an important message you had been brave enough to put out there, and wished you had left it up.  Your words have helped so many on here, Craig.  I just hope we can help you in return if new challenges are coming your way.

    Lots o' love from your librarian friend.  AA

  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member

    Ah $HIT!

    Pardon my French, but wow, I am so upset by this.  Haven't been on the forum for a couple of days.  Left on a high note with your good news, and come back to read all of this.  I can't imagine what you're feeling right now, Craig.  Based on how I'm feeling, as your virtual pal, you must be reeling.  There are so many wise words from others here, I guess all I can say is that I know you will face whatever is coming down the road with your usual courage and grace.

    I remember back when I got to NED, and you wrote a post warning me that NED often wasn't forever, and then deleted it, I suppose because you didn't want to be a downer...but I had already read that post, and thought what an important message you had been brave enough to put out there, and wished you had left it up.  Your words have helped so many on here, Craig.  I just hope we can help you in return if new challenges are coming your way.

    Lots o' love from your librarian friend.  AA

    Big Hugs, Annie:)

    I'm sorry you had to read this....

    I pumped everybody up so high with the good news....I actually felt pretty good for a change and wasn't letting any of my detractors drag me down to their level.

    And then one phone call....

    That's all it can take....that's how fragile our ecosystems are:(

    I remember the post that you mentioned....I had deleted it before I thought you would see it.....I care about you very much and upon reflection, I just did not want to burst your bubble - thought it was wrong. 

    But, you saw it:)  And I thank you now for your thoughts on that...I was trying to protect you and didn't want my words to hurt you, so I retracted.  I'm glad that you see now what I was talking about. 

    I mean getting cancer once - okay....getting it again with recurence - it's to be expected....getting it 3x begins an emotional and psychological shift....and the thought of #4 - well, how many of us get to that point?

    It would be easy to say at least you're alive to see a #4 if confirmed, wouldn't it?  But, would it? There is a psychological toll that is every bit as challenging as the physical fight.

    When you combine that feeling with the other feeling about the multitudes that have been with us - and then no longer are.....

    I think it says....."This is It."  Another words, it looks like this is all that would ever be....if I were fortunate...and that sort of truth seems to weigh heavily on your soul.  You begin to see that the finish line keeps moving further and further out of your sight.....

    I always look forward to seeing you!  You always have something good to tell me. I'd miss not seeing you on these posts...I'm always looking to see where my Annie is:) 

    You're living LaVida Loca, of course:)

    Have a great time at the graduation tonight!

  • AnnLouise
    AnnLouise Member Posts: 276
    Craig....

    I am rather new to the community so I don't have a long history with you but you have already made a difference in my life. I hope this next week has some positive outcomes. Your posts are both informational and personal, explaining your knowledge through your experiences. Thank you for what you have given us and we are here to give back to you...I will be thinking of you this week. ~ Ann

  • Kathleen808
    Kathleen808 Member Posts: 2,342 Member
    Oh my friend

    Sending you prayers and aloha dear friend.  We are here with you.

     

    Aloha,

    Kathleen

  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member

    Oh my friend

    Sending you prayers and aloha dear friend.  We are here with you.

     

    Aloha,

    Kathleen

    Thank You, Kathleen:)

    I'm already dreaming it away right now...

    Normally, I am patient and can 'outlast' most anything or anyone...

    This time though, the waiting is hard....I just need to know....and then I can wrap my mind back around and stop having to speculate and conjecture...

    Sorry for the bad news....

    We didn't get to soak in the Friday good news of the article, before another rain came and swept it away.  I really hesitated about posting, but it was such a shock to even get an inkling that something could be amiss...

    Just trying to stay focused and be business about everything until next week. You'd think after all of these years, that this feeling would go away....and it does to some degree...but it amazes me how our mindset can change with just a hint of things to come.

    It's like your brain freezes again....you come to a quick stop....and then start preparing for something else....

    I'll be fine though...as long as chemicals are not involved, I'll be ok...

    Thank you for always being there with me, Kathleen.

    Tell ****, I'm not cutting in or anything, but just wanted to say...."Mahalo & Aloha Nui Loa"

    Continued best to you both and I hope to have some good news for you soon.  Whenver I hear Mele Kalikimaka, I always think of you both.

     

  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    AnnLouise said:

    Craig....

    I am rather new to the community so I don't have a long history with you but you have already made a difference in my life. I hope this next week has some positive outcomes. Your posts are both informational and personal, explaining your knowledge through your experiences. Thank you for what you have given us and we are here to give back to you...I will be thinking of you this week. ~ Ann

    Hi Ann:)

    Your words touch my heart...

    There was a time not too long ago, where I'd figured my time here had come to an end here.  I had one foot out the door, but then were a few people like yourself in the new group that I was enjoying talking to and trying to help some. 

    I had alot of personal struggles coming out of my last cancer fight....we ran head first into a buzz saw with my dad's passing and the subsequent mess that involved managing and liquidating estates and unloading over 82 years worth of a hoarder's mentality.

    I think what I'm most upset about right now....and Kim and I talked about this last night...

    Is the fact, that Dad's (long story but in archives) affairs and the secret life he was hiding from me.....ate up 15 precious months out of the 24 that I got....we lost the whole year, everyday - weekends and holidays included.

    I rationalized it by telling myself that at least I was 'well' to be able to engage in such a project, as the year prior I would have been unable.  So, the timing was good and bad.

    It just seems that just about when it's time to be my time - it's something else - another seemingly immovable object to have to overcome. 

    I'm glad I've been a part of your life and have been able to help you somewhat...I've talked to many people and I know sincerity, true sincerity, when I come across it.  I guess it comes from the way I talk to folks - and how I can make them comfortable enough to share. 

    In alot of ways, that's all that I ever want...

    Thank you so much for your kind words and generous support!

    -Craig

  • Goldie1
    Goldie1 Member Posts: 264 Member
    Dear Craig...

    every post said it all, so, I'm just gonna say that I am thinking about you and sending some good thoughts.

    Ellen

    PS...we adopted a nine year old golden retriever in April.  He's a great old guy and it's nice to hear the pitter-patter of giant golden paws in the house again!

  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    Goldie1 said:

    Dear Craig...

    every post said it all, so, I'm just gonna say that I am thinking about you and sending some good thoughts.

    Ellen

    PS...we adopted a nine year old golden retriever in April.  He's a great old guy and it's nice to hear the pitter-patter of giant golden paws in the house again!

    LOL!

    I was just about to leave:)

    Ellen, I wondered about the golden looking seat cushion I saw in your pic recently:)

    You know Harley is 3 1/2 now:)  What a ride it has been for him.....he was like this out of control Marley (like in the movie) when he was younger.....I was so sick during the first year or so, he didn't even know who I was...I had no alpha in me then.

    He's growing up and very empathetic - and very protective of either of us.  He can't stand dogs or people fighting.....he runs right up and breaks up the fight, LOL!

    He's like Marshall Dillon:)

    Seeing your picture of both dogs has got me thinking about Harley's mental health...I think it would be good stimulation and companionship to have some kind of other dog for him.  He's energetic and bright, but he's inside now due to the heat of Texas and it just warehouses him.

    We've been outside at nights on the weekend (camping in our backyard) and he really opens up when we do that.  He patrols the fence lines and loves to chase and bark at dogs and folks who walk by.....he stakes out positions and watches for him.....and when he sees them, he takes off....and I mean he is faster than a speeding bullet.....

    We should have called him Flash:)

    Anyway, thank you for your sentiments....the community has done a wonderful job with this post and outpouring of sentiment is truly gratifying. 

    I'm laughing when I think of the 'pitter-patter' you mentioned......we get it....all golden owners do....big paws indeed!

  • janderson1964
    janderson1964 Member Posts: 2,215
    Sundanceh said:

    LOL!

    I was just about to leave:)

    Ellen, I wondered about the golden looking seat cushion I saw in your pic recently:)

    You know Harley is 3 1/2 now:)  What a ride it has been for him.....he was like this out of control Marley (like in the movie) when he was younger.....I was so sick during the first year or so, he didn't even know who I was...I had no alpha in me then.

    He's growing up and very empathetic - and very protective of either of us.  He can't stand dogs or people fighting.....he runs right up and breaks up the fight, LOL!

    He's like Marshall Dillon:)

    Seeing your picture of both dogs has got me thinking about Harley's mental health...I think it would be good stimulation and companionship to have some kind of other dog for him.  He's energetic and bright, but he's inside now due to the heat of Texas and it just warehouses him.

    We've been outside at nights on the weekend (camping in our backyard) and he really opens up when we do that.  He patrols the fence lines and loves to chase and bark at dogs and folks who walk by.....he stakes out positions and watches for him.....and when he sees them, he takes off....and I mean he is faster than a speeding bullet.....

    We should have called him Flash:)

    Anyway, thank you for your sentiments....the community has done a wonderful job with this post and outpouring of sentiment is truly gratifying. 

    I'm laughing when I think of the 'pitter-patter' you mentioned......we get it....all golden owners do....big paws indeed!

    I like the story about

    I like the story about Harley. Like you we got our 2 weimaraners when I was halfway through my first battle. Our male weim stayed right by my side and comforted me the entire night before my last liver surgery. I truly believed he senced that I needed it. They both sleep on the bed with us and switch around through the night but that night he was on me like velcro. I will never forget that. 

  • k44454445
    k44454445 Member Posts: 494
    Craig

    i am so sorry to read your current update. Hey you are still here after 9 years so kick butt & post in 9 years from now!!!

    prayers

    judy

  • PatchAdams
    PatchAdams Member Posts: 271
    Wishing you well

    Your news just blew me away yesterday and I had you on my heart all day.  Just didn't / don't know what to say.

    I'm glad you're listening to Dr. Stanley.  I get his daily devotionals and a monthly magazine from him and he's helped me put a lot of things in prespective.  

    So, congrats on 9 years and wishing you 19 more even more healthy and wonderful.  

     

    Patch

  • rogina2336
    rogina2336 Member Posts: 188
    Thinking and sending positive

    Thinking and sending positive thoughts and prayers your way! You have a whole lot more writing to do for all of our benefit!! Cool keeping you and yours in my thoughts and prayers.  kim

     

  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member

    Wishing you well

    Your news just blew me away yesterday and I had you on my heart all day.  Just didn't / don't know what to say.

    I'm glad you're listening to Dr. Stanley.  I get his daily devotionals and a monthly magazine from him and he's helped me put a lot of things in prespective.  

    So, congrats on 9 years and wishing you 19 more even more healthy and wonderful.  

     

    Patch

    Thank You, Patch:)

    I feel badly about burdening the community with news like this...

    We were cruising so high with the news of the upcoming published article....2 years in the making....and then dashed (at least for me) as it took the wind out of me.  Friday things were swell...Monday things had slightly changed...

    One always wonder whether to post or not, especially without confirmed results, but it just hit me in the face and wiped the grin away and I just turned to the only folks I know who would listen - who I hoped would listen. 

    Many are probably speculating....

    Dr. S has been good for me....a couple of other times in my life I listened to him and he made a huge impact, but I didn't hold up my end of the bargain.  I was a different man then and figured I'd always gotten through on my own...you know the mantra.

    As Dad's stuff wound down and the fight was seemingly over in that regard (the toughest parts anyway) I found him again and began listening...and learning now....in a new way....

    I swear, Patch....whatever day I listen to him, he always seems to have the exact message that I need - it's uncanny!  Tuesday, I was looking for some solace, (I have a few episodes taped on the dvr) and his message that night was on the Courage To Stand Up...

    Dr. S talked about all kind of types of courage....but he also talked about how giving up is not of His nature...and that we were expected to have courage and fight - and trust.  I think I was looking for an easy way in my mind to justify perhaps not wanting to even face it again.....but He sets the bar very high and expects so much....

    And somehow, I just feel like this fight is going to be for a different reason...some different kind of meaning or use, stands to come from it - though I cannot for the life of me fathom what that could be.

    Even at 80, he's still very powerful and extremely effective...he reaches me in ways that I cannot explain.  I enjoy listening or seeing old video archive footage of him when he was younger...he was captivating....and a terrific speaker.

    Now, I see him as the wise, studious professor, who 'teaches' more with his message now.  I could listen to him all day on the internet radio....or watch several episodes....I always get something of it.

    And it was because of him, that I did 'surrender' my life again and try a new way...I figured what did I have to lose?  I haven't done all that well on my own. 

    He was able to convince me in ways that nobody had ever been able to do - or maybe, I was just at the point where I was ready to finally listen and consider?  I think I was "Taken Off the Shelf" again, Patch...

    And still, I'm left to wonder..."Am I just a pawn in the grander scheme of things?"

    If I have to gear up again, then let the new journey begin....

    Are you listening?  Say Amen.

    Wink

    Thanks so much for stopping by to see me - you come back now, you hear?

    Smile

    -Craig

     

  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    k44454445 said:

    Craig

    i am so sorry to read your current update. Hey you are still here after 9 years so kick butt & post in 9 years from now!!!

    prayers

    judy

    9 More?

    I can't count that high, LOL!

    Let's try for just ONE:)  I always wanted to make it 10-years with cancer....it's a nice round number:)

    Thanks, Judy!

  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    Sonia32 said:

    Bro

    You should celebrate, the fact that this |%&*( disease has not got you yet.

    Whatever happens you are a texan, and you can not keep a good southern man down.

    Love ya

    Your sis in the uk

    Hi Sonia:)

    Thank you and tell the follks howdy for me and am glad everyone is doing well there...

  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    Lorikat said:

    Ok Craig..

    I'm still absorbing the info in your post...with sad eyes and heart.  I so want to "mother" you and say that everything will be ok....  Of course we have grown up lately knowing there are no words that really sooth or heal.  But I WILL say that I have great faith that if anyone can climb "one more hill" It is you.  I do not know your faith BUT I DO know mine so will be sending prayers for you out  into the universe...

    i love the Lion...  I am Leo born on the cusp of Cancer and Leo...   God Bless

    Hi Lori:)

    I wanted to circle back around and catch up to the earlier posts:)

    Wanna' know something ironic?

    I'm a Cancer born on the  cusp of Leo (July 21st)!!!

    No wonder Chicky named me The Lion, LOL! 

    I didn't get alot of 'mothering' when I grew up....mine was just not capable of such an act...manic depressive with overly-expressed narcisisstic tendencies....she never really acknowledged that I had cancer...and never came to see me when I was in the hospital during surgeries.....she didn't come to our wedding either....and on and on...

    So, I count on all of my honey mamas out there to be an even better substitute.....hugs were in short abundance where I grew up, so they are always welcome with me:)

    Once I get my mitts wrapped around you - well, you'll be a changed woman, LOL! 

    Nobody has asked me for a refund:)

    Thank you, Lori for visiting with me:)

    -Craig

  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    HollyID said:

    Celebrate!

    Craig, I want you to celebrate!  This is a happy 9th for you! 

     

    I can imagine how you're feeling though.   I'd feel the same.  You're a strong man.  I know that in my heart.   I'm hoping the CEA is a fluke.  Get your scan and let us know.  Know that I'm sending virtual hugs and love across the miles. 

     

    Holly

    How-Dee, Holl-Eee!

    Nice to see you again and glad things are still going well.....I should have taken a page out of your book:)

    Actually, in a strange way, I'm hoping that the reading is some kind of anomaly as well...some spike due to some kind of inflammation or something.....

    Onc is too concerned though....and I think that's what caused me to kind of freak....cause I really wasn't expecting anything to come out of it. 

    But, we'll see next week...

    Take care!

  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    Dyanclark said:

    Lifetime

    My husband is in a remission for about 3 months and Dr. feels it will last at least 2 years, his original cancer was stage 2 in 2008.  It just becomes a lifetime battle and then in some cases it just stays away.  We have a neighbor who had colon cancer, then liver resection.  He has been in the game for 25 years but has done so very well last occurrence was 8 years ago.   Can only say dont get to depressed and get ready to fight and add another 9+ years to your life.

    HUGS George & DyanSmileKiss

    Hi Dyan

    Congrats to your husband! 

    Cancer reminds me of the game...."Red Light - Green Light"

    Do you remember that one from the old days and the old ways?

    Green Light = we drive as fast and as far as we can.........then Cancer yells Red Light....and things come grinding to a complete halt.

    I'm working through the process....it's been hard to wait for the upcoming tests....I'm just really ready to get on with it and see what this is about. 

    I don't think we've gotten the opportunity to talk with you too much, but I have read your posts and am glad for the positive response that you are both experiencing!

    So, officially....Howdy!

    -Craig

  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    lesvanb said:

    Hugs my brave Lion!

    and hugs to Kim.

    I agree with many about celebrate what you can celebrate!  ...and I understand about the thunderbolt that's just gone through you.  Crap. 

    The theme from the all womens bike ride that I participated in on the June 1 weekend in Lewiston, ID. (supports cancer reserach at the Huntsman in SLC among others) was: Keep calm and ride on! It's written on the orange and yellow plastic bracelet on my right wrist and I will think of you when I look at there.

    Right here with you..

    Love, Les

    Hi Les:)

    I'm a big party pooper, right?

    I wish I had 'better timing' sometimes.....

    Live it up for us both!

  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    tanstaafl said:

    CC and celebr...

    Now, do I know how to celebrate or not?    

    ...with CC?   When you were younger, "Canadian Club"?  More recently that "other" board.  For us, cimetidine and celebrex(recently). Perhaps some curative cutting.

    Deep breaths, perhaps its a slower moving solitary site and CEA that can still be stuffed back in the bottle with something more polite.    "Better living through [improvised] chemistry".  Molecular changes may suggest molecular answers are also needed.

    Hey Tans...

    Canadian Club, LOL?!

    I like the definition of that CC rather than mCRC:)

    Yes, perhaps this is something that won't be as intense as the other fights I've been in.  I'm to the point, where I need to selectively fight my battles.....and less toxic chemicals and/or a surgical procedure would be the best weapons I could have.

    I'm staying glued in by thinking that way......

    I'm wondering where the potential involvement lies......is it back in my liver after 5-years?  That's where the 'shadowy' area of post-collateral damage that we concurred on was in the last scan. 

    Is there a tumor hidden beneath the brush?

    Or is it back in my lung?  I've been having some kind of a feeling along with occasional sharp spasming pains in my left lung the past few months. 

    Hopefully, between the MRIs of Abdomen/Pelvis and CT of chest....we'll get a better idea.  It always helps when you can physically identify your adversary...takes the mystery out of it....which would be a good thing to help me get focused on what's next.

    Thanks Tans!