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“The Trials and Struggles of This Journey That We Call LIFE” (NEW UPDATE to the UPDATE)

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

I have much I want to say – much I don’t want to say. Where do I begin?

My thoughts are racing around inside my head like the Indy 500. I wrote this post and a couple of others in my head on the way in this morning and now I can’t put my hands back on ‘em…they’ve sped away – out of sight – out of mind. Some good stuff too….I can’t tell you how many I write in my head that don’t get to the paper quick enough – probably a blessing to all of you that so many of them do not.

Let me try again with some new thoughts – okay, here we go….

Oh, wait…the phone is ringing…”which” business person wants a piece of me now? Oh, good, it’s Kim - okay I can handle that one…or can I? The message is, her scans are back and “she’s got several spots on her thyroid.”

I know:(

The call went out over the “Bat Phone” as I started this post - and immediately Big Billy and I donned our costumes and began playing our roles as “The Dynamic Duo.” We had a woman in tears over here, with fear and trembling in her voice. I had my significant other on the line and I was gonna’ have to talk her down ‘off the ledge’ as I have done with so many of you out there.

Of course, we know not to jump the gun and all of that…BUT…unfortunately, I do see things in ‘black and white’ and the handwriting is on the wall. What am I – stupid? We already know damn well, that these spots are more than likely, our old friend, C A N C E R.

Say it with me.

As always, I’ve got more data to gather before any definitive conclusions can be drawn, but a couple of the signs are pointing this way already. This has been ongoing for the past couple of years with no definite conclusions being drawn.

But, I’ve always found in my life, that where there is smoke – there is indeed, fire. And my life is quickly building to a “Five-Alarm Crescendo” with all of the demands I find at my doorstep. New packages of challenges are arriving daily - and not by UPS or FedEx.

She’s going to get another follow-up scan and we’re going to get the reports and I’m going to look over this one and the new one she does and get some insight as to what we’re facing…growth rate etc etc. They will be checking the ‘uptake value.’ Once I can get a handle on what we’re up against (if we are), then I’ll help her put a plan in place, get some good doctors and try and walk her through whatever she may or may not be facing.

This would be especially troubling for the both of us, should I come back with recurrence #4 in a couple of months. Here would be me possibly facing cancer for the 4th time – Kim looking at it for the 1st time maybe – my dad’s situation deteriorating with each passing breath – and with all of that still to play itself out in the coming weeks and months – and then when it is all finally said and done - having to be the executor of the estate and handle all the responsibilities that come with that.

Kim is my right-hand in a lot of ways – I rely on her and lean on her emotionally to help me take care of the business. Somehow, with her beside me, I feel like we’ve got a chance at anything we face…without her, slogging over Life’s Terrain, would just not be as secure or comforting. It's amazing how we construct our lives with one another - and then try and imagine the picture without them being in it.

A lot of these struggles with my Dad is actually bringing us a little bit closer together – “Misery Loves Company”, it seems. When we’re united and trying to fire on all 8-cylinders, then we are a powerhouse team to reckon with…I see flashbacks to the old days – with our old ways.

Actually, a couple of my dad’s “Adopted Daughters”, who are or were just people in his Bible Sunday School class, have decided to take me to task and have said some things to me, that I thought were inappropriate. This stems from the stories that my dad has told them – that are now coming unraveled as the truth slowly comes out.

Since my dad has kept me “on the outside”, he has been free to perpetuate whatever fantasy version of his life that he wants to portray – nobody to challenge him, so it all becomes ‘the truth’ – or the twisted version of the truth that he sees it from.

It’s like playing both sides against the middle – if one doesn’t talk to the other side, “Perception Becomes 9/10 of the Law.”

So, I’m breaking down those stereotypes and as always – the truth always comes out, no matter how much dirt you try to throw on top of it. Kim and I have been handling things behind the scenes…this w/end was especially productive…in gaining some control and establishing a foothold with all that is going on. We’ve cutoff a lot of the escape routes being used by dad’s ‘runners’ and are trying to secure our position and hold the line.

It seems that what these women have actually done to me is to “Awaken the Sleeping Lion.” And by doing so, they have filled him with a terrible resolve.

There’s all of this typical ‘politics’ being played out and the dynamics of all of these relationships now on a collision course. “The Daughters”, which are nothing more than a sick substitute of my dad’s mind subbing these women to replace my sister, who was murdered, are both in financial hardships and need money…

Last night, I witnessed an Academy Award Winning Performance, but not from the starlets on the silver screen…”The One” who my dad turns to for everything…..here Kim and I spent Saturday (still sick with the crud) cleaning out more of the house until we’re exhausted.

Then, Sunday morning, I get a call from the new nursing home, telling me they called 911 and he was now over at another hospital in the ICU ward. So, Kim and I spent 8-hours yesterday, talking with doctors, checking vitals and dealing with all of that.

But, as soon as “The One” arrived, he dropped us all like a hot potato and just “oohed and awed” over her…..eyes intensely locking on hers, like a schoolboy in love…she walks in like some kind of princess and throws her arms around and starts holding him and stoking him and telling him how much she loves him.

A 40-year old woman that 'loves' an 83-year old man with this type of sickening public display? Or is she just in love with whatever monetary gain she can get from her visits, which are about 4 or more a week...she doesn't work, so that's a pretty good part-time job and a nice payout. And all of this, despite the fact that her own mom is in a nursing home, she has children and a jealous husband – but she still finds time for Dad – because he was such a good Sunday School Teacher?

C'mon! Give me a break…sick, sick, and more sick…just looking at them makes me want to puke. It was so difficult to watch and stand there and have to take it. Dad literally waved us out of the room so she could get to him.

35 minutes later and she was gone though….but Craig and Kim remained didn’t they? Not that it mattered to him – he could care less whether we were there or not.

And he won’t let me handle any of his financial affairs – has me locked out of everything…if he died tomorrow, I don’t have access to even write a check to BURY HIM….that’s going to come as a big shock to his church friends, who are expecting a nice funeral.

He’s left me powerless to help him – I’m being threatened by many of the new business people in my life in relation to his recent health struggles, to make him sign a power of attorney – but he adamantly refuses to do so…so the message to me from those folks who are wanting their money but dad did not set me up to do that is …”get it handled quickly – or the State is coming in to seize his house and his bank accounts – and without warning – and without notice.

And then it’s all over – it’s preventable – it’s sad that’s it comes to this – and yet, I’m supposed to sit there hour after hour and care about this man, who continues to make my life miserable every day of my life.

And the truth is, if he wakes up tomorrow and is ‘dialed out’, then legally, I can’t do anything until he passes – the way God has it going – he continues to punish me through him.

That old Bible saying, “The Son Pays for His Father’s Sins...”…certainly has a ring of truth to me….but here’s the thing…I’m tired of paying! I’ve paid for 50-years with all that I am. I can’t believe I have anything left to give to you guys, but anything I do have inside of me, will go for you.

I ask myself these questions:

“How can I continue to meet the increasing demands placed on me at every turn?”

“Doesn’t the Almighty see that my shoulders are sagging from the strain of this enormous responsibility that I face with my own healthcare and that of my wife’s healthcare and that of my dad’s healthcare and subsequent mop-up when he passes?’

I laugh when I hear the following phrases…

“If God brings you to it – He will get you through it.”

OR

“God never gives us more than we can handle.”

OR

My all-time favorite, “God is Good.”

Really?

That’s the biggest pile of horse dung I’ve ever heard in my life...because if He was paying attention, He would see that I’ve had enough for two lifetimes…just the same as so many of you have…but it seems we always have ‘more’ to go through, doesn’t it?

With close to 8-billion of us spinning on this rock, it would seem that we are on our own - but that's not news to me.

I think that these are the types of things that we say to one another to try and placate our feelings and make it seem like our lives and hardships are “Part of the Greater Whole.”

In this way, it alleviates that sense of burden and frustration that we feel, when we feel like we can’t help or resolve that situation and it becomes so overwhelming to us and we “Need Someone Else” of a higher authority to lay it all off on, so we don’t buckle and break under the strain. Somehow, we feel that this will ‘resolve’ the situation.

But, it doesn’t.

Right now, I’m drowning in an “Ocean of Emotion.” I’m sorry to put this all on you, but if I don’t talk, then I will certainly perish…I’m just a man, after all. I’m talking to my friends and to anyone else, who wants to be my friend.

I think that we all have this innate need to “Unburden Our Souls” at different times in our lives. And I think there is some sort of healing that comes from shouting it from the highest rooftop that we can find. There is a degree of healing that comes from that.

And I think that comes from the fact that by releasing those frustrations and emotions from within us and proclaiming it ‘publically’ and in front of the world, that is has more to do with a liberating and freeing effect that cannot be equaled through any other medium.

And that by not being able to say it with those “closest to us” for reasons of ‘social taboo’ or whatnot, or at least having the ability to talk about it here with each other can have some profound effects on one another – it draws us closer with one another – it shows us that each of us is comprised of flesh and blood and feelings…and it has a uniting affect on all of us.

Because, we find that it is something that we can relate to – it may have happened to us or still could, so it resonates that common chord we all carry and we rally to one another’s defense, because we see the day where that person could be us.

And perhaps more importantly, it’s the simple PRIMAL sensation of saying, “I’m hurting – I’m in pain – but with each one of you standing with me – I will be okay again one day.”

That’s the Biggest Gift that we can ever give to one another – our first and true purpose lies there…it’s right in front of us, all we have to do is act upon it. Taking care of each other should be all of our top priorities – because we are the ones who we are living and breathing with today – and today is all that we’ve got – and the people here and in our lives, are the people that we have here this very second…we can’t go back and we can’t go forward…we must be with those that we have today – because that’s all we’re ever gonna’ have.

David Gilmour of Pink Floyd said it best when he sang the phrase, “All You Touch – and All You See – Is All Your Life Will Ever Be.”

I’ve been waiting a year to be able to write this phrase in its proper context, LOL!

Should I recur again, I’ll give you a heads up, because for many of you, “You’ll have to lock up your back doors – and run for your lives.”

LOL!

See, there is still come “Craig” left underneath all of this madness…I’m trying to smile – just for you. I’m at a difficult crossroads in my life right now….and I’m just trying to find my way through the maze and the haze.

You know that I know it is not always popular to come forth with such tough topics. But in my life, I’ve finally come to the realization about something that is of paramount importance – not only to me, but perhaps in your own lives as well.

And I’ll be more than happy to tell you what you might fear to say for yourself…I’ll take the fall for those of us that find themselves in a similar position.

And what I’ve learned is that abuses of all kinds that go unchecked for a lifetime NEVER hurt the one that’s doing the afflicting – it’s the one on the receiving end that takes the “Blame and the Shame” – and by living with it and keeping it all a secret….

“What are we really doing to ourselves?’

We are enabling the afflicter and perpetuating their behavior to control our lives and we end up as the victims, while the aggressors get away with it and walk away clean to destroy more lives. Well, I’m tired of carrying this ball and chain around with me five decades….I’ve had enough.

When you tell it – you are actually doing more good than harm. It casts the light in the other direction, where it needs to be shined. There must be a price to be paid. And unloading that burden off your soul has a cleansing effect and allows yourself the permission to be free of that anguish, to a certain degree. You just feel lighter – and that’s because you just dropped off a lifetime worth of pain, sorrow, anguish and bitter feelings by the side of the road.

Or at least, you’re in the process of doing so….

You can’t be anything but better as a result – painful though it may be for you, or the person for whom it is directed towards. In this life though, “The Bill Always Comes Due.” You can run for an entire lifetime, but eventually the account must be squared. And we can only be victims – if we allow the people in our lives to treat us in that manner and not call them out for it.

Thanks for listening.

On another note:

I’ve been slowly working on the story of Big Billy – I’ve got one in my head about the story of a Lion and his Chicky. And Big Billy, his badass self, wants to stop in for his yearly cameo appearance. And I’ve got some cancer topics I wanted to talk about this year.

It’s been hard to find inspiration – I’ve been digging deep where I always dig, but just can’t get there right now…it’s like mashing your foot to the accelerator, but the engine just sputters….I’m not in a period of growth right now as the conditions are not ripe for it – I’m in survival mode of a different kind right now, when all of the dust settles, that’s where the new growth will come from – after I’ve had the time to reflect back on what has happened.

I’ll close with this last thought…the real medicine that this life has to offer comes from talking and sharing deeply with one another – in this way, we all learn how to lead and conduct our lives and not make the mistakes that we and others have made. We accumulate various perspectives that we can turn to that may one day, help us in our hour of crisis.

By talking and sharing though, it acts as a sort of drug (organic of course) and puts us in connection with those commonalities that we all share and all have together. The telling is a huge trigger and one of the biggest adrenaline rushes and releases that there is.

I think you will find that if we talk openly (and you know what I mean), that there won’t be a need to run for a Xanax or an Ativan – because we find that inside each one of us is nature’s drug to cope with the situation we are facing. The answer, the drug, is already inside us and available for use. We were born with it.

Our goal then is to find a way to tap into that medicinal supply that lives within each one of us – we just need to know where to look – and I’m giving you a heads-up on where to find it. I’m discovering all of this as recently as I’m typing this to you.

Oh, I understand clinical depression – don’t miss the point. The point being that we ALL can cope with the tools already inside us that have been provided for our use. It’s that primal urge to say to our fellow man – “I’m here, I’m lost, I’m hurt, and do you feel like that too?”

We just want to know that someone is out there – just like us – it’s the social instinct we were bred with…..security and strength in numbers. Something else I wrote about in the book….about how hard it is to be “Lone Wolf McQuade” all the time.

It is true that “It Takes a Village.” And that’s what this community represents to me. When I drill down past that, I see my friends and I see their lives – and while it’s difficult sometimes, I don’t want to leave them or turn my back when the going gets rough.”

All of you taught me what friendship meant when I first got here. I can’t turn my back when my folks are hurting or need someone to talk to. And I thank you for not tucking tail and running out on me.

I tell you what – we'll keep this open dialogue going and come to terms with the strengths that are in every one of us - and together, we could put the pharmaceuticals out of the depression business, LOL!

I want to thank you once again for listening – and understanding – or at least acknowledging what it is I’m trying to say to you. This is the way I’m seeing it and I’ve always thought that “I’ve Had My Finger Firmly on the Pulse” about a good many things.

All my best to each of you and good luck out there with the cancer fight.

I did not write this post for sympathy or anything like that, as you all know me. I merely am the messenger and reporting what I see from the firing lines.

It was the late Andy Rooney who taught me an invaluable lesson that I’ll never forget. It made such a profound impact on me that I wrote him into that mythical book we’ll never see. And what he said was this….. “It’s a Writers’ Job to Tell the Truth.”

All of you who have come to know me can fully understand how much a statement like that resonated with me and affected me on such a deep, emotional level. That’s the good stuff right there.

-Craig

Lifeisajourney
Posts: 217
Joined: Apr 2010

lots of love/support to a lot of people and you are doing what you can for your dad, but what counts now is you and Kim. We all have diffrent life journeys, good/bad, some really bad, some really good and if you are on here, probably not so good. I hope Kim is ok and you too...I watch life going on around me and you can only do what you can do.....thougts and hugs to both of you.....Pat PS I admit to ativan....when needed...

janie1
Posts: 753
Joined: Apr 2011

Agree with Pat. This is about You and Kim. You can only do so much. I guess I 'm horrible, but can you just wash your hands with your Dad? I mean, really. Toxic is toxic. There is WAY TOO MUCH STRESS....it needs to be whacked way back. Some of it is beyond our control, but some.....well.....it takes some hard core decisions. Ohhhh Craig. (I am one of those that still thinks God is Good....and always will.....it's just real personal. I look at it in the long-term. But that is just me. It's real, real deep.)

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

Hi J

Do me a favor, will ya? Next time you talk with the Big Fella, will you put in a good word for me? Can you tell him that I'm just a soldier in his army and that I'm just on a mission to try and help others in this life, through Him?

I can't help if I'm not here...and you know if I could not help here on this board, then my life is worth just a little bit less to me.

I don't blame God for any of it - He's got his hands full with 8-billion of us roaming the planet...I'm just questioning things again at this juncture of my life...

The answers that we seek - and the rewards that we expect to reap, just may or may not come in this lifetime. And maybe just maybe, the real answer, the real truth lies right there.

The Big Guy and I certainly have had talks - after my sister was murdered, I turned away...when cancer returned, I opened the door....as the days go by, I just wonder about things and why they are the way they are - with all of us - and why, why, why?

Again, I'm not a smart man, so I haven't figured it out yet - maybe never will - but you know I won't stop looking under the rug to try and get a clue.

You know, J, when I first met you, I was "sitting in the Walmart parking lot." That was a rough time in my life sick with the chemo and all of that, but those moments when I was sitting there with my radio on and the sun shining and people and cars whizzing by, I was really was content during that hour or so. I had broken the chains of the house and was a free spirit and could go anywhere I wanted to.....as long as it wasn't more than a mile away, because I didn't have the cash for a longer trip.

Looking back to those days and staring at the days I find myself in....I long for those more simplistic times alone in my car - trying to reconnect with a society that I had lost touch with and longing to be a part of it once again.

Read below and you'll see some answers to your post....I can't walk not yet. Truth be told, I haven't begun to kick *** yet - but just wait....

Love ya, J!

-Craig

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

I joked with Kim last night that I might need "some help."

But sleep and turning my mind off was all I needed. I hope Kim is well too or that we can do something about it. Life is going around fast and it seems as we get older, it becomes increasing difficult to hang onto it like we did when we were younger.

Just more responsibilites and committments and different stages of life bring with them a different set of duties...

Thank you for writing and so nice to see you again!

-Craig

LivinginNH's picture
LivinginNH
Posts: 1458
Joined: Apr 2010

Oh, my dear friend, I'm so sorry, I don't even want to think about Kim being ill too. How I wish that I could just hold you tight and tell you that everything will be okay... I'm glad that you can find some comfort from the loving and caring people on this board - you are certainly our "Lion".

Please know that you and Kim will be in our thoughts.

Love,

Cynthia and Rick

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

I think if I did not have you here, this part of my journey would be alot more hollow and empty. Knowing I've got some connection and some ability to reach out and talk with you has been a blessing.

It's the connectiveness that provides the "analgesic" that I need right now - it doesn't take all the pain away, but it numbs it some and I just like knowing that you are out there when I need to reach out to you.

My life here on the board has always been about giving - I've always had a hard time learning to receive....I'm getting better about it...all of you are slowly changing me in that regard, so you're all doing good work out there.

I think because I've always been told that I was never worth much, it has always made me feel like I was never worthy to receive from people and having never had an example to go by, I never knew how to respond. I'd give you the shirt of my back, but if it were offered back to me, I'd stand out in the cold and freeze to death.

I try not to ask much from any of you...mine is still a role of giving, but I'm learning the art of accepting in the spirit with which it is given....and that's been the blessing and the gift that all of you have passed down to me.

I won't ever be able to thank you all enough for that.

I'll wait a lifetime for that hug, Cyn - I know it will be worth the wait. KathiM got a big hug from me a couple of years ago at CP9...she described it as a big old "Texas Bear Hug."

You see, when I hug you, I hug you....bodies facing each other and close and I wrap you up and you can feel the electricity passing back and forth between the bodies.

None of this stand back two-feet and bend at the waist, will do for this old Texas Boy...we're gonna square up and make it worth our while....no honey has asked me for a refund yet, LOL!

Take care, Cyn and I'm keeping you and Rick in thought as you move through this next stage of your lives....I won't be going anywhere, I'll be right here, so close I could be your shadow.

Love you!

-Craig

Lovekitties's picture
Lovekitties
Posts: 3332
Joined: Jan 2010

You have had very heavy burdens to carry, and it seems that they don't lighten with the passage of time.

First of all, my prayers for Kim that all this may be something other than cancer and easily resolved. I really wish we were all geographically closer so that our support could be more practical, but know that we here will do all we can to help you both.

Second, the situation with your father is a nasty one. What I am about to say may be a bit mercenary, but will his estate be large enough to help YOU and KIM financially after all is said and done? If so, then I guess the fight through all this is worth it, otherwise, I would consider tossing him to his lady friends and moving on. You and Kim have so much more important things to do than worry over someone like that. (Sorry if I am too cynical for some here).

Praying for you and Kim to have some of these burdens lifted from your shoulders and to be given some breathing space to find some enjoyment in life.

Hugs,

Marie who loves kitties

Buckwirth's picture
Buckwirth
Posts: 1272
Joined: Jun 2010

Have you considered self publishing? I'd buy an ebook version, as would several others here.

Just a thought...

pete43lost_at_sea's picture
pete43lost_at_sea
Posts: 3908
Joined: Nov 2010

craig,

don't give up on the book, its just like this illness,

we don't know whats around the corner!

sometimes its good.

care for your girl and yourself, and then if you can your dad.

remember the story about putting difficult friends and family off the bus.

i guess his serious illness means you let him on the bus without buying a ticket.

i guess you can only love your dad, in the safest way you can.

maybe getting your feelings and thought down on here, will be whats needed for
you to have some peace out of this difficult relationship. i hope so.

a few minutes meditation might help if your keen. i also loved the organic comment above.

when i was being trained as a rescue diver, they number one rule was look after yourslef first, then the person in trouble. it applies in many areas of life, maybe to yours.

hugs,
pete

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

This was a good post - there is hope for you yet, LOL!

Your diving training is a good rule of thumb to live with - and I'm pausing to reflect on what you said - it certainly makes sense.

I've always been good at self-survival because I've had to be...I had to cut my mom off years ago from the same type of behavior - and I won't let dad drag me down at the end either.

Once he passes, then hopefully these painful chapters of my life will die with him, though they will never be forgotten. At least, perhaps, I'll be able to finally dig out from under the rubble and live the rest of my days "as a free man."

What would that be worth?

Thanks for taking the time to write me this morning...with you and Blake on board, that's at least 3 copies we've sold - including the one I buy for myself, LOL

-Craig

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

Hey there, Big Hoss!

How's the world treating you?

You mean, you still want to hear what I've got to say, LOL!

I appreciate your comment - and I've looked into self publishing quite a bit and things could end up going that route. I'd like to see it available in some form.

Of course, what really reached me in your post, was that you were still "interested" in what I had to say in those chapters. I think you would nod your head at several places as you read it. And I want you to read it - and I would value your feedback from said reading.

It would mean the world to me to hear what everyone here had to say - because you are the folks who know me so well - and you were my inspiration for writing it - and all of your stories and your lives became mine too - and you are the ones who have faithfully stood right my side ever since the day I landed.

Because, I value all of your feedback and support - and because I just love you guys - and what you think matters a great deal to me.

I hope you are on the mend and glad to see you on this post - thanks for stopping by:)

-Craig

Buckwirth's picture
Buckwirth
Posts: 1272
Joined: Jun 2010

Did I say I'd read it?

:-D

I will say this, my wife loves your style, so I have no choice but to enjoy your writing!

Blake

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

Man, you cut me to the quick - LOL!

Now, that I think about it, no you didn't say you'd read it:) I should have known better, LOL!

Well, at least your wife has good taste:) LOL!

Please tell her thank you from a struggling wannabe! It does make me feel good to know that she enjoys my writing - she obviously has very refined tastes:)

Okay, I'm out - be good man, and if you can't be good - be better!

-Craig

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

Have I ever told you what a kind heart that you had? Well, you sure do. I can't thank you enough for your reply. You are always so kind and considerate.

But, there is alot of "smarts" about you too - you are a wise woman who has been around long enough to accumulate the wisdom you are imparting to me. I just wanted to tell you how much all of your posts have meant to me since I've gotten to know you.

And Santa Craig knows "Santa's Helpers" too - and thank you for that!

I'm bound my legality right now....as the sole remaining family member, I'm the executor of the estate and thus have responsibilites and commitments. As part of the divorce decree, he and his ex-wife signed an agreement that she would leave and he would live in the house until he passed away.

Immediately upon his death, I've got 90-days to get the house made-ready to be listed on the market - these are the legal terms of their agreement and my end is to uphold that.

The ex-wife gets 50% of the sale - and this in spite of if the State comes in and seizes everything....my end would be lost as well as the money he put aside to pay his taxes, keep his bills paid and cover his funeral expenses.

It's worth fighting for at this point, because we could use the help and it's a shame to throw it all down the train, just because my dad was short-sighted in how he handled his affairs. If the state does come in and seize it all - then Kim and I would be out and walk away.

Legally, I'm in a tough bind because I have access to nothing....all would have to go to probate court and the process would be lengthy. And of course, my word means a lot to me and I believe in doing the right thing. While I'm hurt by what's happened, I'm going to see what my legal rights are and see if I can save something.

He worked for what he had - and to see him throw it all down the drain, I'm just left wondering why - he was not a stupid man....but very secretive concerning his finances....even his wife knew nothing of what he had.

And we'll hope our Kim is alright - she's really stepped up beside me, because she knows how hard this is - and I see her tenderness towards me coming back....it's been such a long time and that type of intimacy was lost in our cancer battles...and you think you'll never see it again.

And it's just having your someone besides you in life as you're taking your beating - that's where the "for better or worse" comes into play. And that's what a relationship really is...just helping each other get to the next day until the blacktop ends...

Love you, Marie!

-Craig

annalexandria's picture
annalexandria
Posts: 2573
Joined: Oct 2011

"helping each other get to the next day until the blacktop ends". Despite all that you're going through, the writer in you never quits. That's the sign that it's a for-real gift. Hugs, Ann

steveandnat's picture
steveandnat
Posts: 887
Joined: Sep 2011

All of the events going on at the same time really makes me wonder why! What more can be thrown at you. You have a real strong way about you. Take carrot yourself and Kim. Pray everything works out. Jeff

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

I don't think I've had the opportunity to say "howdy" to you yet. My life has been full of surprises and I've been on and off the board, but I've been reading your posts.

They did a news story on me a couple of years ago about my life and the da Vinci robot surgery I did in North Texas - we were the 1st team to do the procedure on the lung.

Your comment "what more can be thrown at you?" had me thinking about how they lead off the story....

It started off something like:

"You often wonder how much one can take. This man has had a decade of challenges..." etc etc.

And Jeff, I think the simple truth is that all of us do what we have to do - even though we don't want to do it. I've heard folks say that is strength and courage...but I think it just comes to you being the only one to do it - and you either do it, or you don't.

That's real strength.

We will be okay - I hope my wife is not sick...that would be hard on me too. I wanted her to have a good life - and in many respects, I feel as if I've failed her along the way. And I hope that I can make it up to her one of these days.

Nice to meet you, Jeff and officially "welcome."

-Craig

tommycat's picture
tommycat
Posts: 790
Joined: Aug 2011

“People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”
― Mother Teresa

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

Yes, "Mom" was way out ahead of her time - I aspire to live my life just the way that you described in your post.

I think in the last 8-years I have finally moved close to the virtues that Mother Teresa espouses...she was right in every word that it is written in your post.

If we do all of that, then what we learn is that we can live with ourselves each day and when we lay our heads on our pillows each night, we can sleep, knowing that we did all that we can do for that calendar - and that tomorrow may yield the opportunity to do even greater things.

Thank you for your post and for the wise words in your post...I'm touched by your gesture and I just wanted you to know that.

-Craig

lauragb
Posts: 370
Joined: Aug 2011

Love this Tommycat. I am in a women's choir and we sang this as the song, "Anyway". The words ring true.

tootsie1's picture
tootsie1
Posts: 5056
Joined: Feb 2008

Hey, Craig.

It's late, and I'm tired, so this will be a brief reply. I just want to tell you that I'm praying for you and Kim, and I SO hope this will be a false worry about cancer for her. Enough already!

Love you and praying things will be better.

*hugs*
Gail

thingy45's picture
thingy45
Posts: 633
Joined: Apr 2011

Hi Craig,
Thank goodness you have your ability to write it all out. Write a way my dear friend, get it all out. It centainly does help.
I do the same, that is why I have journals, with pictures, quotes, recipies, anger, self loating and above all a lot of humour and much more.

Your Dad seems like what we now call a bully. You need peace, Kim needs peace. The stress is way to much for the both of you. If you can...... walk away. Who cares what anyone in that church will say. We are talking self preservation. Your and Kims life. Your and Kims health.
I wish you both health, humour, a good laugh is always good and you have all of our love on this board.
Even a Lion can be down some times, Roar as you need it and see fit. We listen.
Hugs, Marjan

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

It's not socially acceptable, Marjan, but it does help me some....at least I don't have to closet my feelings anymore...I've buried them deep for many years with everything under the sun....but you can only run for so long.

All of this is finally playing itself out - you reap what you sow is coming into play - but I still have a legal obligation as executor to get his house to market in 90-days to be in compliance with the divorce decree - his ex-wife gets 50% of the house....even if the state comes in and takes my half.

There's enough to fight for, though dad has set it up badly, but I'm looking into it...of course the immediate concern is to pay the bills to keep water and lights on, while the house is cleaned and made ready for sale. And his funeral was coming out of that and with his estate tied up in probate, I don't have the means to fund it....that's what makes me sad.

I'm all about the right thing - as painful as this, I need to do the right thing, because my name is my word and though it's not pleasant, I've never been a quitter...

Good to see you and thank you for your post. Take the greatest of care. You know I'll get this figured out somehow and bring it to a resolution.

-Craig

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

Any regrests on asking me to stick around a few years ago, LOL!

Hoping that it is nothing for Kim too. If we're both sick at the same time (with no one around), it would be certainly be the ultimate challenge in all facets of life.

Thank you!

-Craig

ron50's picture
ron50
Posts: 1721
Joined: Nov 2001

Sorry to hear Kim is unwell. I guess it's not much cosolation but if it is cancer, thyroid is one of the most treatable types there is. As for your problems with family I can only quote you the words of another song "Life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone"
Hugs Ron.

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

John Mellencamp sang that one:)

Yes, thyroid is a treatable cancer - of course my wife, like anyone, doesn't understand all the ramifications and she's a little scared and needed some reassurance from me. I'll know what to do - and we'll get it done. And maybe it's something else....we should know more soon.

Take it easy, mate - and thanks for your response today.

-Craig

Minnesotagirl
Posts: 141
Joined: Sep 2011

Craig,

Do you ever wonder if all this stuff with your dad is creating a path for you to take your mind off the burden of cancer? I know sometimes it sounds crazy, but I believe God works in mysterious ways if we keep an open mind and heart.

As far as the Sunday school daughters ~ don't waste your time on thinking about their relationship with your father ~ that is something you will never be able to resolve at this point in your fathers/your life. Let your father have his "girls" ...if you are the executor of the estate, you have total control anyway so don't waste any more time letting them or him upset you.

You are the executor of the estate for a reason and although it is alot of responsibility, you do get the final say in how the story ends!

So I say, end the story on your terms, not your fathers, not the adopted daughters, relatives, etc... let the awaken sleeping lion end the story and move on with your own joy!

~Prayers for you... "Minnie"

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

Hey, you know I love to give nicknames...you were using "Minnesotagirl" and when you posted, I shot back with Minnie - did you change to that just for me or did I miss something? Go ahead and humor me, LOL!

Listen, "Minnie", your first sentence...
"Do you ever wonder if all this stuff with your dad is creating a path for you to take your mind off the burden of cancer?"

Had I replied yesterday, it would have been a much different answer than the one that I have for you today. Upon reflection, my answer is I don't think is being created to divert me from cancer - cancer is actually the last thing I'm worried about, at least for me...Kim would be a different story, I don't want that for her.

But, when you go on to say "that He works in mysterious ways..." It's easy to dismiss that sometimes, many times actually, when life becomes more than you think you can bear.

But, then this morning "something" came over me (read my post of this morning below "The Lion's Roar")...the mysterious may be that my wife and I are working our way back to one another as a result of all this...and this just be "The Ways." You know?

Your prayers are certainly welcomed and appreciated here - I think sometimes it is easy to dismiss them...but I should never discount them, because I just don't know what will work and what will not.

I want to thank you for your post and thank you for being a friend to me...we're going to look back on this and just say Wow one day - and then we'll be on to the next disaster, LOL!

Thank you, sweetheart:)

-Craig

janderson1964
Posts: 2215
Joined: Oct 2011

Once again my heart goes out to you my friend. I can't or don't want to imagine how I would handle the possibility of my wife having to deal with this miserable disease. I don't wish it on anyone. You are both in my payers.

pepebcn's picture
pepebcn
Posts: 6352
Joined: Aug 2010

Since I am also one of those who still believes that God is good, I will keep you in my prayers and will tell him how all of us need you here among us.
This place wouldn't be the same without you my friend!.
I Also will keep Kim in my thoughts hoping it's nothing but just a false alarm, we need her as well please give her a big hug!.
God bless you both my friend.

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

Please tell Him, Pepe.

Thank you for your support and your kind words about Kim...we will all hope that whatever it is or isn't, we can work our way through what we need to do.

"Wouldn't be the same place without me?"

It would be quieter, that's for sure, LOL!

I'll hug her for you, me too....if she's giving - I need to be gettin'

LOL! LOL! LOL!

Thanks, Pepe

-Craig

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

Hey bud

"I go as Kim goes." When she's running the house, my life is good...the train had slid off the tracks the last couple of years....and she's been affected by my life and all that comes with cancer.

I don't want her sick, just like none of us want anyone to have it. If it is, I have to step up and get her through it....watching me these past 8-years still does not alleviate her own fears...and the trembling in her voice the other day, would make any man or husband feel a rush of empathy.

As I talked, she stopped shaking and was agreeing...at least I was able to calm her initial fears....we'll just hope until we get the new test and what comes out of that.

And I hope I stay clean for another cycle for a few months....both of us down at the same time would be extremely difficult...we just don't have people in place here to take care of both of us if we are in treatment and all that we live through with that.

I continue to appreciate your support and thank so much, man - I mean that.

-Craig

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6249
Joined: Feb 2009

Didn't know that she was having issues as well. My heart goes out to both of you as both of you have struggled with so much and now issues with your father and all that entails. Sometimes it does feel like we are walking alone and actually feel so alone when we are going through burdens and trials. You will be in my prayers. Just can't express how much you are being thought of as the words just don't come out right.

Kim

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

Thanks for posting to me, I know you are on break, so it means alot to me to hear from you...and of course, you know what you mean to me personally. :) :)

And yes, I'm a student of human nature - what drives us - what makes us tick - what makes us do the things we do - what makes us become the best people that we can be - how we can overcome advertisity and not turns towards the darker side of life.

Many times in my life, I've just asked "Why?" I don't know why things happen to us the way that they do - the way that life can just keeping stacking chips on your shoulder that are weighing you down to the point where you can't even breathe.

This life, it seems, is all about "Trials and Tribulations." There are certain tests that we are presented and we have to find a way to pass the tests. We must "Adapt and Overcome" at all times. Perhaps, it is this way out of design.....not ordained or predestined by any means....just that alot of life can be random....certain factors line up like the "Cherries on a Slot Machine"....alot of times they come up with just lemons.

Then we try and find our way to the next morning and so on. Me and the Big Fella' have been at odds at points of my life....it has been a tragedy to a large degree and yet I've found my way somehow. I know you're in close, so light a candle for me and say a prayer if you would like too. I am a "work in progress" after all.

Believe me, you've "expressed" your feelings...and I feel them...and I appreciate them...and I appreciate you...and believe me, it all came out right:)

Love to you

-Craig

dasspears
Posts: 233
Joined: Feb 2009

I hear your pain and I share it with you! I'm glad you are able to identify and understand that you are hurting and that you are in pain. It's a cathartic process as opposed to denying the feelings.

So sorry you are experiencing the ugly side of people in regard to the Sunday sisters. Unfortunately, they are everywhere.

You may have already done this but have you consulted with a trust attorny or someone who specializes in wills? They usually give you a free consultation.

I think I mentioned before that I watched my husband go through something very similar with his father. His father passed away in 2009, we entered into a lawsuit with the stepson in 2010 and eventually won, my husband developed prostate cancer in Spring 2011 (Stage 1 thankfully) and in Nov 2011, we learned his sister and only living immediate relative has a grade 4 glioblastoma brain tumor and given 7 to 11 months to live. I have no idea how you and my husband find the strength to deal with this stuff but you do and I have great admiration for you both.

Keeping you in my thoughts, Craig!!!

Debra

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

You know me well...I'm not in denial about too much, LOL!

Yeah, "the gold rush" does bring out the uglier side of our natures - and that's why I try and espouse the better sides of what we are...but I know the dark side too. The "sisters" are going to try something and make this thing uglier than it has to be. I just feel something under the surface but it's an itch I can't get reach to scratch.

Your husband sounds like another tough guy - he obviously has alot of strength - I admire that as well...I'm sorry to hear about his sister too...this is a tough old life for many of us...the older we get, the more problems we incur...please pass along my best to him, because I miss having my sister with me and I love to see love between a brother and sister...my sister loved me unconditionally - and I mean, really loved....I never knew why, did not think I was anything special...but she saw something...

One of the reasons her loss is so profound in my life....even 25 years after the fact. If I had her with Kim, we'd be unstoppable.

Thank you for reaching out, "Debra" and so nice to see you again - thank you for such kind words - they really do mean alot to read and "hear" them.

-Craig

lesvanb's picture
lesvanb
Posts: 911
Joined: May 2008

so I'll just add what came across my Facebook page today from a friend; the mom of an 11 yr old cancer survivor.

"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.

If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.

For you see, in the end, it is between you and God
(or whatever still small voice that always is there within you- my addition :)
It was never between you and them anyway."
― Mother Teresa

No question that there is no rhyme nor reason to the path we travel in life. I've found it best to travel light.

love, Leslie

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

To the woman "who believes in me so strongly"...at the times that I cannot see it for myself.

We just did not get enough time in Chicago - you are so much smarter than me, Les...you are at places that I'm trying to reach, but I'm still grasping for a foothold to hang onto, until I can move forward and reach that destination you have found.

"Love you!"

-Craig

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4891
Joined: May 2005

Sorry to hear Kim has stuff to deal with now too.
Stress! We all need some in our lives but too much is NFG
Sorry to hear your Dad's not well too. BEWARE OF THE “Adopted Daughters”...
They sound more like the preying type than the praying type. Let them believe/think whatever they want. They are intruders and interlopers in your life as well as your Dad's. Everyone loves attention but it's easy to not see clearly at times.

And remember Gregg, YOU are the executor of your Dad's estate. His wife gets her 50%, hopefully she will help instead of just putting her hand out but something tells me that the “Adopted Daughters” may seek a donation to their cause.

Life's hard, life with cancer's even harder. Don't let them screw you. I know you weren't born yesterday but as a friend I feel I have a responsibility to chime in on this.
My best to you & Kim
-ralph

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

You know, man...I've been missing you...I've wanted to hear from you...got a tear just seeing your face and reading your post....I thought you had forgotten your boy down here in the Lone Star State.

I'm glad to see you on this post...yes, "these daughters" are up to no good...they took over when we got sick and went to the social worker at the home and told them that we were bad people and all sorts of stuff....as you know "Perception Easily Becomes Reality."

Files are missing out of the house, other stuff seems to be missing now. There is definitely an angle in from the both of them - apparently, they never got along before I heard, but the lure of money has suddenly "united" them.

Something is up....my dad was handing out $50 bills to one of them we know and more than once...and we found checks written for $150 apiece....one of his friends loaned dad a car to drive...and then one of the adopted ones has taken that for herself - and it wasn't dad's, but his friends...now, she won't give that back.

She's opportunistic and a fakard, Phil. But, you can see that just as readily as I do. It's all an act - all a show.

Seeing you here today has been a comfort to me, because it lets me know that you care and that means alot to me, buddy...just a lot:)

Thanks!

-Craig

sasjourney
Posts: 395
Joined: Jul 2010

"When you are going through hell, keep going". I am so sorry that you are going through all of this, Craig. Wish I could make it all better. I am praying for you and Kim.It will get better!

Luv you,
Sara

idlehunters's picture
idlehunters
Posts: 1792
Joined: Apr 2009

Hey Craiger,
Yep...the ole plate is full and runneth over! I spoke with Kim the other nite and she brought me up to speed on things. You guys are certainly dealing with a lot right now. One thing I noticed you BOTH said was you two are sharing a closeness that you have not felt in a while. So maybe something good coming out of this huh??? However, that " adopted daughter" beotch....... You tell her JENNIE SAID...to stay the hellout of your face or I'm gonna kick her arse!!!! She is not to be messin with MY craiger! Seriously my friend..... I am in total agreement with Marie.... You have got nothing but BS your whole life from him...if you ain't getting nothing in the end...screw it...... U gotta look out for you and Kim. Also, I am with Bucky on the book. I would certainly buy a book in any format. that's all I have strength for. I am recouping. Just got out of hospital today cause that dang stomach flu bout killed me! Ok now but it's been rough. Love you and Kim.

Jen

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

I'm glad you're getting better....I've had one of the superbugs for about 3-weeks and it's almost done...but it was a whuppin' that's for sure.

Well, glad you and Kim talked...she's kickin' *** now all over the place...I'm going to have to promote her in rank in "The Sundance Army."

LOL!

When she's motivated, oh my goodness....and she's "highly motivated." And not a moment too soon either. The fight will be worth it - I'm on the estate, but my dad thought he would pass away in his sleep, so he put no contingency for anything in case he lived.

It's worth fighting for, because it's all that I'll ever have - to throw it all away at the last moment is foolhearted, emotional, and not Craig or Kim.

Hell, at this point, I'd fight for the sheer spite of it all - you know me:)

"A Fighter IS - What a Fighter DOES." Just made that one up, LOL!

Thanks, Jennie!

-Craig

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

You are making it better - just by being you - and just by caring enough to let me know. The storms will pass - the clouds will lift - and the sun will shine bright another day.

Just don't know when yet...LOL!

Thank you!

-Craig

herdizziness's picture
herdizziness
Posts: 3642
Joined: Apr 2010

My Friend,
What Jenny said!!!! Between we two blond's that beotch doesn't have a chance. And, as for your dad, he is who he is, he isn't going to be changing at this late date, I just want you to remember my friend, you are a good man and don't let him start making you doubt yourself or blame yourself, you grew into a good man in spite of him.
As for Kim, well, got all the fingers, toes and whatever else crossed. Dang, man, when exactly does it get easier?
Put me with the others, you know I'm looking forward to your book as well.
Love you man, and I'm pulling for you every step of the way in all the faucets of your life, opening the bottle to let your feelings out and share them with us, I'm sure there are others with a parent or other that have that type of relationship, and this may allow them to talk it out as well, and start feeling a little better about themselves.
Thinking of you and yours,
Winter Marie

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

One of those "Texas Cage Matches" would be worth buying a ticket too, LOL!

With you, Jennie and Kim all "tag-teaming" against "The Sisters", they would not have a chance...they don't get the fact that we have stared into the face with cancer and walked away...no clue what they would be in for.

Shoot, I'd even buy a ticket and sip a margarita and cheer "my girls" on:)

Well, I've surely been dumping my guts alot lately and telling it like it is...I'm not in a sugar coated or mamby-pamby mood lately...I'm tired of hiding behind pretense and I'm tired of the socially correct way to live...I'm getting back to my core roots.

I know I've rec'd several PMs recently since TC originally asked how I was. And I am seeing folks on the forum and through PMs sharing their lives and storied with me. And just what I wrote in the post about us sharing and feeling liberated and unburdening has come to pass.

I hope there are many more people, perhaps through me, can see that's it socially okay and needed for our well being to share things among friends...you guys are my closest confidantes after all. It would warm my heart to see more of this kind of expression.

The board would rock in ways that we can't see right now. If I can be an example or a light or a signal that it's cool, then I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

I'm a student of life, but I like to pass down what I've learned along the way...and I think this life is about lessons - lessons we need to learn and share - and then pass down to the next generation of folks.

Your comments ring true...and I think the work has been in progress. And what might spring forth, would be a blessing to bear witness to.

Love/Craig

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

I woke up this morning feeling dog tired and did not want to embrace the morning. While I was getting ready for work, my mind resumed all the thinking I’ve had to do. By the time I pulled out of the driveway and made it to the highway….guess what?

I felt this sudden rush of “Feeling Good.” I mean I feel good today, really good. Strong, virile, resilient, energetic, enthusiastic, confident, yet combined with a surreal calm that also washed over me this morning – at this time, I can’t explain it any better than that right now.

I don’t know if it was Big Billy whispering in my ear, but this morning I’ve once again found “The Fightin’ Side of Me.”

Do you hear that?

That’s the blood rushing through my veins with a deafening roar – feeding that mighty warrior heart of mine - that’s the sound of my spine stiffening as I stand up tall and straight, filled with the resolve of that, which I must overcome.

I’ve sloughed off the “Victim’s Shroud” and I find myself suddenly able to see what must be done with a clarity that is quickly coming into much sharper focus.

I realized this morning, that what I’ve been experiencing is much like it is when we first discover we have cancer. It’s very much like our opening chapter in the book – “The Diagnosis.”

Where we get the news – our world turns over – it’s all so overwhelming because we’re in an unknown spot with no road maps or sign posts to show the way. We are stunned – we are confused – we are lost – and we are uncertain.

This is where I am right now with all of this mess with my dad. I’m in the land of the unknown with all of the secrets and back stabbing and the ugliest side of our natures on display. There is a legal world I must learn about – there are other legal obligations on all levels that I’ve never had to contend with before, so that’s always unnerving until you can find your footing.

And there’s the innuendo and church folk talking about us – acting as the “family” and getting away with it, because dad set it all up that way. So, there’s so many dynamics coming into play. It resembles a very bad soap opera.

And here I was just thinking I didn’t have any fight left in me…but The Lion is ready to fight now and he’s on the prowl and ready to do what is necessary to watch out for his dad’s interest and do what is the right thing to do to resolve everything in a satisfactory manner.

And I’m going to see this thing through to its rightful conclusion. It’s the right thing to do. All of you know that I’m a man of my word….I say what I mean – and I mean what I say.

I aspire to all the great human virtues that we have to offer…Honor – Trust – Loyalty – Commitment – Virtue.

It’s not going to be easy along the way – nothing in this life ever really is. But, I now have found the resolve to see it all the way through…I’m tired of running – I’m tired of pretending – and I’m tired of the victim role.

I found out that once a warrior – always a warrior. I found that missing gear that I was looking for and it arrived in the form of my wife. I see a new side of her – I see the gal who’s saddled up and battled beside me for 22 years – she’s in the fight mode now and is united in spirit and walking back in-step “with me.”

My heart is filled with joy, because I thought we could never re-capture any of our past glory – I thought that part of us had died along the cancer trail. But like the Phoenix, we rise from the ashes – to be together and ride out into battle once more – “As One.”

It’s a blessing for all to see:)

I’ve got tears in my eyes as I write this…Tootsie, are you out there, darlin’? Maybe your prayers really were answered after all…I know this news will make your heart sing - I know, you have prayed for this for so long – bless you for everything, honey.

Tina – I know you will appreciate this part of the story as well, if you’re reading.

We’re off to a great start – and maybe this is the good news from all of this…we’re always looking for the silver lining in any tragedy – this is as close as it can be right now. And it feels so good to have Kim “with me” again…hell, she’s actually blowing the trumpets and sounding the charge!

She’s off and down the trail going “rogue” on their *** – she’s a tough customer. I’m so proud to have her with me again…I’ve needed her and have missed her – and I think that’s where all of this loneliness was stemming from all these past many months. I tried to pass it off as ‘other’ family members not being there for me – but it wasn’t that – it was not having her with me that was hurting me at the deepest core. Of course, if my sister and uncle were alive, they are “the family” that I had and lost – and it is empty without them – and has been for many, many years.

But I thought that substituting other family was the answer – and since they were really never there, they couldn’t be now, or ever. The crux of the whole issue was I had lost Kim and we had become “roommates” and not partners – and it hurt me – and I’m sure it hurt her. But, that $hit is all over with now…the clouds have lifted and I see the sun over the horizon now – I think we both see it clearly.

Cancer nearly broke us – and now this is going to save us…who knew?

Yeah, I feel good now – I’m ready to fight – I love a good fight. I just need to get my lip bloodied and taste my own blood – and then the $hit is on – Hell is coming with us both now…Big Billy may be out of a job, LOL!

I love the sting of battle – it tastes like…….like….Victory!

We are going to see about a free consultation with an attorney – and lay out the story and see what options are available – or could be made available to help keep his estate from falling to the state. Then, we would see what it took to retain their services. Apparently, we’re going to need representation as something is going on that we haven’t figured out. But, it will all come out in the wash somehow.

I still would like to bury him honorable and let his friends say their good-byes. He set the money for his funeral aside, but of course, made it where I can’t help him at a time when he needs help the most.

As always, I’ve got to be the bigger man in the relationship, always have had to be. And I’m doing this more for myself now, even though I still don’t want to see dad hurt and taken advantage of.

I’ve got to be able to live with this, you see? I’ve got to have my conscience and the slate wiped clean, so that I won’t have to carry the guilt around with me for the rest of my days. My bill for all of this will have been paid in full.

In the end, everything that he has done is bad, real bad. But, I can’t sink to his level, because I march to a different drummer and my name has to stand for something. I would run for awhile, but never be able to hide – and I would remain haunted and I know this.

So, there it is…The Lion has roared.

Thank you so much for all your supportive posts – I guess I’m finally at a time where I need you more than I ever have in my life…I know it sux to have to wade through this with me, but I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you continue to stand by me.

I hope to one day be able to return the favor.

-The Lion

lauragb
Posts: 370
Joined: Aug 2011

Ahhh..what a great post, I am so happy for your renewed closeness with your wife. And you have risen above, after all you've been through with your father, you don't want to see him hurt and taken advantage of. Your attitude will bring good to you. Your different drummer takes you to a better place. Releasing the past is cleansing and I'm so happy for you that you know what you need to do so that you will be without guilt. And you know you can take the advice of others and bale if you need to, if things get too toxic, and still there should be no guilt.

Thanks for your soulful entries.
Keeping you in the light.
Laura

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

Hey, Gal - you and I both just love things in "the light", don't we? You keep everyone in the light - and I shine the light into the darkness, so we can better see:)

LOL!

I agree with everything that you said 100%...it pleases me to see others recognize and understand where I'm coming from and what it took to reach those conclusions. The mind is a swirl of thoughts and emotions sometimes - it can become quite a maelstrom, when we find ourselves in its throes.

Like a ship being tossed about the sea, we are at times, feeling out of control with our lives and find ourselves just haning on for our very lives as we wait for calmer waters. Other times, we feel lost, confused and conflicted and we don't know which direction to go.

Still other times, we stuff our feelings down and try to throw dirt over it in the hopes that it will go away and never return. Of course, it doesn't work like that. I just believe that allowing ourselves the time and freedom to let the natural, organic emotions that make up our existence, wash over us, is the healthiest thing we can do.

It's only normal - it does not happen overnight, enlightenment rarely works that fast. It's about a time and a process and the permission we give ourselves to feel, to think and to say what we need to, so that we can understand and come to some sort of acceptance in our lives, so that we can finally move forward and not look back.

At least, don't look back for too long - sometimes it is good to look back, because it allows you to see where you were - where you are - and where you are going. If we didn't have these important life markers in place, we wouldn't know which direction that we wanted to go.

Sometimes, it may take a day, sometimes it might take up to a year - sometimes like me, it might take up to 50 years, LOL! And really, for all of us, it will take a lifetime to get it all figured out - our lifetime.

Once we have time to assimilate the data, we step back and extrapolate the feelings we thought we had yesterday, but find through our searching that they are the same, yet different on another day. Then we come to that plane of conciousness, where we finally see it for what it is - make the adjustment - come to terms with it - and then compartmentalize it in the deepest recesses of our brains, so that we can have a reference to draw from in the future.

That's what a psychologist does - they listen to you and prod you to talk it out - it's already there with each of us, we simply have to uncork the bottle and let the genie out of the lamp.

it's just about wrestling with your thoughts and feelings and understanding why you did and felt like you did - and where you are now and what you're doing now that is important and what we're trying to seek the answers for. Everything else, is just what gets us from end of the spectrum to the other..."the journey."

I want to thank you so much for your thoughtful, insightful post and I really do appreciate you sticking around and listening to me. And thanks for taking the time out for me. I appreciate you:)

-Craig

Sundanceh's picture
Sundanceh
Posts: 4408
Joined: Jun 2009

see above post for the "Changes In Attitude - the Changes in Latitude."

LOL!

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