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Funny bonz...

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly
realized that I don't really give a rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life for
me!

1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

*I'm retired. Go around me. *

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

*Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered: *

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play
chess?

16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I
go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. DID I POST THESE BEFORE..........??????

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

This one is a bit risque, read at your own risk...

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, “Yes, you'll be fine.
It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Don't say you weren't warned!

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

It's winter in Michigan
And the gentle breezes blow,
70 miles per hour at 52 below!
Oh, how I love Michigan
When the snow's up to your butt;
You take a breath of winter air
And your nose freezes shut.
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,
You may think me a fool.
I could never leave Michigan,
I'm frozen to the stool.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Around the turn of the last century, a very famous electrical engineer gave up his trade and decided to travel around the world and discover other cultures. On his way back through the US, he stumbled upon a very poor and isolated Navajo village. He was so awed that his fellow Americans could be living in such destitution, that he sought out the Chief, to see what he could do to help. After several hours, the engineer finally succeeded in explaining the concept of electricity to the Chief, he implored the Chief to think of some way to implement the new technology.

After a few minutes, the Chief scratched his head and said, "Well, you know the outhouse is very cold and dark in the winter. Perhaps a light bulb would make that a better place for our people.

Needless to say, the engineer fulfilled the request, and became the first tourist to wire a head for a reservation.

This one stinks, I know...

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

but "This one stinks" is a bit unkind about Indian heads and head Indians.

Gary, you've no idea how many brownie points you earn me with all my friends! I bet I'm not the only one here who constantly forwards your funnies to a whole host of people. iceman looks out for our possible cardiac issues while you take care of our funny bones!

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

T,

When MikeK703 left us because the darkness here kept dragging him down, and having similar feelings of my own, I wondered if providing a few laughs wouldn't help. I was a bit apprehensive at first, not wanting to offend anyone or create the notion that we take cancer lightly around here, but it seems to have been received in the manner it was intended as there has been much positive feedback. Thank you.

BYW, I have a golfing dilemma you might be able to help with;

Say you are playing in the finals for the club championship and the match is tied as you reach the 18th tee. You hit your tee shot 270 yards right down the middle and your opponent slices his badly into the trees on the right.

After helping search for your opponents ball for a few minutes he says "Why don't you go hit your second while I continue the search?" You return to your ball, hit your second onto the green within 20 feet of the flag and then hear "FOUND IT!" followed by the sound of a ball being struck and seeing it land on the green only inches from the pin.

Now here's the dilemma;

Do you take the cheating b***ard's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?

Wolflvr's picture
Wolflvr
Posts: 14
Joined: Dec 2012

That's a really tough call, Gary!

Love this thread SO much. Thank you :)

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie FannySunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god! What have I just said?"

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