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Funny bonz...

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly
realized that I don't really give a rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life for
me!

1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

*I'm retired. Go around me. *

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

*Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered: *

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play
chess?

16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I
go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm hereafter

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. DID I POST THESE BEFORE..........??????

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -
miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At the Electric Company
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**************************
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Keep that brain working; try to figure this one out....

See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common?

1. Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess

Give it another try....
Look at each word carefully. You'll kick yourself when you discover the
Answer. This is so cool..... REMEMBER I ONLY SENT THIS TO MY SMART FRIENDS

NOW DON'T LET ME DOWN
No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters....

Answer is below!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
Answer:

In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards, it will be the same word. Did you figure it out?

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

Nope!

from one of your "not so intelligent" friends

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

An old man and woman were married for many years. There were many a loud confrontation and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

Each fight would end with the old woman shouting, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

She was very mean and all the neighbors feared her.

The old woman liked the fact that she was feared and made every effort to keep it that way.

To everyone's relief, she finally died of a heart attack when she was 93.

There was a closed casket at the funeral.

After the burial, his neighbors, concerned for his safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The old man said, "Let her dig. I had her buried upside down so at least she'll be headed in the right direction!"

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Students in an Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice-a-versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in very attractive containers stored high enough from the ground that the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings.."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.." (Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height.." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton .."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January).

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Joe took his blind date to the carnival.
"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I want to get weighed," she said.

They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds.
She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over,
Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Waura, it was wousy."

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London.

She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full length mink coat.

Begorrah, Colleen,' says her mother. 'Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearing an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?'

Colleen replies, 'Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?'

When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wris****ch and a large diamond ring. Same exchange with Mom; same 'I won it at bingo!'

Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months
later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings.
She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she
won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.

When Colleen gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, 'Mom! Now, didn't I ask you to run me
a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!'

'Indeed there is, me darlin,' replies her Mom. 'But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?'

foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 1920
Joined: Oct 2011

Funny stuff Gary!

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

"No!" yells the blonde.

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"

The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home, spreads them out on the picnic table outside, and starts talking to them.

"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."

Then she whispers, "You know that ******* I promised you? Well, here it comes..."

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Best Friday of the year so far Gary. It's spiced up even more by the CSN censoring algorithm. I could have predicted the promised ******* blowout but I must say I creased myself over its treatment of wrist-watch!!!

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Yeah, it was a "blow" to my keep it clean ego when the censors did their "job" on that joke, but I don't understand the problem with the watch at all ; )

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A union boss walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama’s victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union boss.

So the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union boss asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

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Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

So he was truly a re(al)publican all along!

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pjune127
Posts: 127
Joined: Dec 2011

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics

shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he

waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a

bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store

and picked up a couple of chickens and a

goose.However, struggling outside the store he now had

a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was

scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who

told him she was lost.She asked, 'Can you tell me how

to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a

matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would

walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'The old

lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the

bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each

arm and carry the goose in your other hand?''Why

thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl

home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down

this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady

looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow

without a husband to defend me..How do I know that when we

get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up

my skirt, and have your way with me?'The farmer said,

'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two

chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly

hold you up against the wall and do that?'The old lady

replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the

paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the

chickens.

angec's picture
angec
Posts: 622
Joined: Mar 2012

Hysterical! I can't stop laughing...thanks Paula.. Mom will love this!

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Paula,

Great to have back and feeling better, I'll be passing this one around for sure.

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

With you Gary and Ange. I immediately sent it on to lots of friends. Brilliant testimony to the fact that we're having our Paula get back to the way we need her to be.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.

Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"

St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman working on the top of a cliff. The Englishman said, "If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off this cliff."

The Scotsman said, "If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."

The Irishman said, "If I have ham tomorrow, I'll be jump'n too."

The next day, the Englishman had cheese, the Irishman had ham, and the Scotsman had jam. So they all jumped.

At the funerals, the wives of the Scotsman and Englishman said, "Why didn't those idiots just tell us they didn't like their sandwiches?"

The Irish lady said, "You think your husbands we're idiots, my husband made his own sandwiches."

garym's picture
garym
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Joined: Nov 2009

This is so great. I didn't know Tom Hanks father was the lead singer of the Diamonds.

THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE.

If you were alive in 1957, and old enough to enjoy Rock and Roll, you will probably remember the group, "The Diamonds" who had just launched their super hit "Little Darlin' ".

For you that are too young to remember - it was a time when the performers were happy, enjoying themselves, respecting their fans, dressed appropriately and their lyrics could be understood.

They did not feel obligated to scream, eat the microphone, mumble inaudible lyrics or trash the set.

In 1957, The Diamonds had a hit with "Little Darlin". 47 years later, they were requested to perform at Atlantic City ...

This link leads to both performances.

Watch the first one then scroll down for the new one 47 years later.

Tom Hanks father is much better looking than Tom, and even better looking with age. You'll see a strong resemblance. In the linked videos Tom Hank's father is the lead singer on the left. He still has it! Hope you enjoy

http://www.flixxy.com/the-diamonds-little-darlin-1957-2004..htm

pjune127's picture
pjune127
Posts: 127
Joined: Dec 2011

Totally amazing and made me feel soooo GOOD!!!!

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Thanks for that Gary - I'm still smiling as I type. I don't remember the name of the group (and it was a pretty forgettable novelty record at a time of some big characters and memorable songs) but what a bunch of fun guys and what a beautiful man Hanks's Father was and continued to be. However, the greatest delight was to see them looking and sounding so incredibly good all those years later and with the same enormous sense of fun - a real tonic!

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

Think you were duped Gary. But good music.

http://urbanlegends.about.com/od/celebrities/a/Was-Tom-Hanks-Father-In-The-Diamonds.htm

Analysis: Nice story, but completely false. Tom Hanks' father was never a singer, let alone a member of The Diamonds, a Canadian vocal group famous in the late fifties and early sixties for such Top 40 hits as "Little Darlin'" and "The Stroll."

The Diamonds' original lead singer was Dave Somerville, a native of Ontario, Canada with no known familial connection to Mr. Hanks. He's alive and well, and still performing as "Diamond Dave Somerville." (The other original members were Ted Kowalski, Phil Levitt, and Bill Reed, none of whom fathered Tom Hanks.)

According to Biography.com, Hanks' actual father, Amos Hanks, was a chef. The actor himself has variously described the elder Hanks as an "itinerant cook" and a restaurant owner who thought his son should follow in his footsteps. "My dad was in the restaurant business his entire life," Hanks told the New York Times in 2002, "and he honestly couldn't fathom why I didn't want to be the assistant manager of the local Jack in the Box."

Hanks also mentioned his father's profession in a 1986 interview in which he talked about what life was like after his parents divorced when he was four years old. "I lived with my dad most of the time," he told the Dallas Morning News. "He was a restaurant owner and we lived all over California, wherever he kept opening up restaurants. He remarried many times. It wasn't boring."

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Hard as it may be to believe, that's not the first time this has happened to me. I'll scold my source accordingly.

pjune127's picture
pjune127
Posts: 127
Joined: Dec 2011

Puns for Educated Minds

1.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2.
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian ...

3.
She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.

4.
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5.
No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.

6.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was cited for littering.

7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9.
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
'Keep off the Grass.'

15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.

16.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and
pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17.
A backward poet writes inverse.

18.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .

21.
A vulture carrying two dead rac****s boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says,
'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Loved the list Paula : )

A blonde lawyer was filling out a job application when she came to the question: “Have you ever been arrested?”

She answered “no.”

The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question yes, was “why?” Nevertheless, she answered it “I never got caught.”

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right,
there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

A man was taking his six year old—Bobby--for a walk in the park when he noticed two dogs ahead, one humping the other. He tried to steer Bobby clear of the activity to no avail. Bobby screamed “Daddy, what is that dog doing to the other dog”? His father awkwardly replied to Bobby that this is what dogs do to make puppies. Bobby looked a little bewildered but accepted his dad’s explanation.

They completed their walk and went home. That night Bobby couldn’t sleep so he went to his parents’ bedroom. To his astonishment, when he opened the door, his dad was on top of his mom making love. A startled Billy yelled, “Daddy what are you doing to mommy”? His father answered, “Mommy and me are busy making you a little brother.” Bobby--completely dumbfounded-- slowly backed out from the room pulling the door closed once again, but then suddenly pushed It back open. “Dad”, he said, “Can you turn her over? I’d rather have a puppy.”

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Coming from Venus, as you do Alice, I'm surprised you're familiar with a term like humping!

Good observer that Bobby - should make a poet, or maybe a useful medical scientist.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Is this that doin' it doggie story you referred to before$

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

I had so hoped you had forgotten about that. . .

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Steel trap Alice. NSY

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

Okay Gary, I give up - What does NSY stand for?

Btw - Mars versus Venus - dead on dawg!

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Not Senile Yet...

alice124's picture
alice124
Posts: 860
Joined: Mar 2012

My dear Gary,

There are many words that come to mind when I think of you. I assure you SENILE is not one of them. :)

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

How many of 'em only have four letters?

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

Alice - always the champion of the under-dog!

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

How to treat a woman:

Wine her.
Dine her.
Call her.
Hold her.
Surprise her.
Compliment her.
Smile at her.
Listen to her.
Laugh with her.
Cry with her.
Romance her.
Encourage her.
Believe in her.
Pray with her.
Pray for her.
Cuddle with her.
Shop with her.
Give her jewelry.
Buy her flowers.
Hold her hand.
Write love letters to her.
Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

How to treat a man:

Show up naked.
Bring chicken wings and beer.

Don't block the TV.

Texas_wedge's picture
Texas_wedge
Posts: 2807
Joined: Nov 2011

The Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish Captain and his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish Captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, ”I don't like Chinese”..

''No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

“Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese....doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the Captain.

“Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

“What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the
Captain,”It was an iceberg!'

“Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ..no mattah !!...all same to me.

foxhd's picture
foxhd
Posts: 1920
Joined: Oct 2011

I went xmas shopping for my wife. I was looking at some gloves when the saleslady approached me. She asked if she could help me. I told her that I wanted to buy my wife some gloves but did not know her size. So she placed her hands in mine and asked, "Do they feel like these?" They did, I said yes and as she was about to ring up the right size gloves she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you." I thought for a moment and said, "Well, I was thinking about getting her a bra but......

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

An attractive blonde girl wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do, "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?" "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded. The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip...

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

Bob and Jim walk into a bar. Bob says, "Hey Donkey-boy, get me a drink." The bartender gets him a drink.

Bob says, "Donkey-boy, get me another drink." The bartender gets him another drink.

Finally, Jim asks the bartender, "Why does he call you Donkey-boy?"

"I don't know. Hehaw-hehaw-he always calls me that."

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A guy walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas. When the bartender asks what's wrong, the man says, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas. The bartender says, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as
a longhorn and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at
40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of
working--as a Sheriff's Deputy in Texas.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him
into his office for the young man's last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So
far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an
"Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted. We
just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief
said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers,
six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

"You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

A COWBOY & HIS BRAND-NEW BRIDE CHECK INTO A HOTEL FOR THEIR HONEYMOON. THE HUSBAND GOES TO THE FRONT DESK, & ASKS FOR A ROOM.

"THIS IS A VERY SPECIAL OCCASION," HE INFORMS THE RECEPTIONIST. "WE DONE GOT MARRIED TODAY, & WE NEED A GOOD ROOM WITH A BIG, STRONG BED."

THE RECEPTIONIST WINKS, & ASKS, "DO YOU WANT THE BRIDAL THEN?"

THE COWBOY THINKS ABOUT IT FOR A WHILE, & THEN REPLIES, "NOPE, I GUESS NOT. I'LL JUST HOLD ONTO HER EARS UNTIL SHE GETS USED TO IT.

garym's picture
garym
Posts: 1651
Joined: Nov 2009

In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, the preacher said "Anyone with 'special needs" who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, a man got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked, "Sir, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

The man replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in his ear, placed his

other hand on top of the man's head, and then prayed and prayed and

prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for him, and the whole

congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few moments, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "How is your hearing now?"

The man answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."

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