A long road

worriedson714
worriedson714 Member Posts: 331 **
edited November 2021 in Colorectal Cancer #1

Hello all ,

       So it's been 3 years next march since my dad started his fight and when I think about how much he has been threw it honestly breaks my heart and makes me proud of him at the same time . Breaks my heart cause no father who has taken care of his son his entire life should have to go threw this . A father that protected his son from the worries of the world even as that son became a man should get some special divine protection for all he has done . Proud cause he has shown so much heart and strength as he has tackled everything this demonic cancer has thrown at him . 

         Now as we wait to hear news if my dad will get proton radiation or not he has lost a brother to cancer and my step mom's son in law lost his battle as well . Those things are pulling my dad down it seems into fear that I am noticing for the first time and I can do nothing about it . 

         Combine that with the fact since my dad's last chemo which didn't work his backside pain is increasing palliative care thinks it's the cancer . As well as my dad's mental state seems to be going down with alot of confusing memory problems the days seem to only grow darker . Tonight my dad went to cook something he loves to do and he couldn't even remember the right way to do it which scared me to tears as it's starting to feel for the first time like I am losing him.

        My family seems to have accepted it already telling me it's nothing to get upset about which just makes me feel alone.  According to google my dad is showing symptoms consistant with end of life and I have no idea how to accept that I honestly think I will never be able to accept any of this . Someone asked me what I'm going to do when my dad dies my answer I'll most likely go crazy I don't know what I will do without him .

          So honestly I for the first time am at the point were I don't know what to do next I don't know how to help or fix any of this even though I know I can't fix anything . I don't even know why I am posting expect to get it all out maybe it's a form of therapy ? I honestly don't know but what I do know is I want to thank you all you have been there for me more then those in my own family and friends for that I will always hold you in my heart . I also want to say thank you to the mods and those who keep this website running . It honestly has saved me in so much ways and I am sure it will continue to do so for such a long time . 

            As always any advice or input is welcome and I beg for your prayers and well wishes as I continue to pray the feeling in my gut is a lie . Maybe I am just burned out from watching my dad walk this road for what seems like forever to me ? Thank you all for taking the time to read this and I hope each of you is doing well and winning your fight showing cancer that you survivors/fighters will not go quietly into the night . Keep fighting everyday as I know without a doubt my dad will and may god protect and aid you all . 

Comments

  • Trubrit
    Trubrit Member Posts: 5,562 **
    edited November 2021 #2
    It is a long road...

    but your dad is so blessed to have you travel with him. What a strength it must be to him, and while you say you are proud of him, I bet he is even more proud of you. 

    While I do not know one way or the other, how close your father is to his end, I will tell you that chemo treatment really messes with the mind.  I myself had times when I forgot how to do the most simple of things. I remember clearly making bread, which I do twice a week. I put that dough on the work top and I could not remember how to knead it. I just looked at it. It scared me livid. I also sat in my car, which is a stick shift; and I have driven a stick shift for 40 years, but I could not remember to press the clutch when I started the engine.  I don't know if this will help you worry any less, but forgetting really is a side effect of treatment. 

    If and when the time comes that your dad passes on, you will live your best life, becasue you are his legacy. He will continue in his own sphere, being proud of his son. 

    You just continue doing what you are doing, loving your father. 

    Tru