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Long Term Psychological Effects - Coping

Big Ed
Posts: 1
Joined: Feb 2020

Had my prostate surgically removed about seven years ago.  Experienced urinary control and ED issues.  Eventually had 98% recovery from urinary control. ED continued despite many attempts to improve.  Sex life became non-existent, so wife moved to another bedroom to escape my snoring and tossing and turning.  Unfortunately, my being alone in the bedroom led to my developing a porn addiction in an attempt to find something / anything which stimulated me.  I have been going to counseling and have not viewed porn for 9 months now.  But my question to the group is has anyone out there experienced  the feeling that they are no longer a complete man, to the extent they became addicted to porn?  If so, do you have any suggestions? 

Thank you ahead of time - this has been very hard for me to write.

VascodaGama's picture
VascodaGama
Posts: 3193
Joined: Nov 2010

Welcome to the board. I wonder if your acronym "Big Ed" has any relation to the Erectile Dysfunction issue.

You made me laugh but you surely are not alone. My wife has also moved to another room under the pretext of my lousy snoring. I become suspicion that her moving was due to the unnatural way we used to cuddle in the initial period after my prostatectomy. However, I found latter that such was not the case as she shared with me the problematic ED experience. We learn in doing it taking time. When travelling we also do not register in separate rooms and try enjoying the moment with or without snoring. You can also try finding that different way in sex that is comforting to both of you. After all, you do not become a lesser “complete man” due to the problematic ED.

In regards to porno, I do not see it as something so dangerous in need of counseling. I hope you enjoy it and that it improves your quality of life freeing you from stress. Surely I hope you do not try forcing your wife in using it as means of stimulation too. That could create a serious problem in your relationship.

Enjoy the many faces in life with your wife and watch porno if it psychologically relaxes you.

VG

 

phaedrus55
Posts: 1
Joined: Feb 2020

Hi Ed -

I am uncomfortable with the term "addiction", which usually means something somebody does that we don't like, or is destructive (in our opinion) to their life, and they don't want to quit.  I walk in your shoes: 2 1/2 years post surgery, with no usable erection, even with pills.  I use porn to see if I could find something, ANYTHING, that would promote an erection.  It hasn't.  I still have a libido and still find sex (the possibility of)  and women (including my partner) stimulating.  Trying to get an erection by any means has not changed that.  But stimulating now means starting the (mental) engines, but there is no (physical)  lift off.  Frustrating.  I WANT TO, but cannot. I suppose this will pass, but after 50 years (for me) of no problems in that area, it is difficult to just give up and accept it.  But giving up may be the wrong thing to do, and I'm not ready to accept my fate.  So, I persist, out of shear stubborness and hope instead of any positive results.  I don't feel like I'm "complete", neither do I feel like I am addicted to porn.  I'm not.  If I could achieve an erection, I would share it with my partner, who wouldn't care how or why it happened, but would just be happy it did.

In what way do you consider yourself "addicted"?  Sounds like your viewing porn didn't achieve what you wanted (if what you wanted was an erection).  Other than that, you sound like a healthy man who, despite not being able to get an erection, does need some sexual stimulation.  I get it brother.  Don't we all.  I enjoy the eroticism, just not the disappointing end it inevitably brings.

There is no answer, just carry on...

hewhositsoncushions
Posts: 345
Joined: Mar 2017

My physical libido is about 30% of what it used to be.

I am about 3-4/10 on the ED scale mainly because I was so depressed for so long I neglected the pump and blue pills. We mess around and have fun but I have only managed full sex once since the op. Performance anxiety is a major issue.

If you have functional issues, consider ramping up your rehab with pump and pills, try injections and see a therapist.

Regarding porn and your arrangements, look at the root cause. Snoring etc. is usually weight related. Work out diet, get exercising, build confidence etc. and that will help a lot with snoring. Your missus might become more agreeable to you bed sharing then and things may happen.

It is a long journey.

Oh, and never feel guilty about porn, as long as it does not involve clowns and egg whisks :) Seriously, try and keep a limit on it as it desensitises you.

Good luck.

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