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Chemo Is The Only Thing On The Table

Posts: 308
Joined: Oct 2018

fDid not get the news I wanted. I have 7 tumors with some size to several which makes me a no go for anything other than what I dread most.. chemo. If and when the chemo destroyed or shrunk the tumors, we could talk additiona/other treatments. What happened to a simpler life? My daughters are in tears begging me to do the chemo and all I want to do is pretend I never heard the word cancer but I know I can’t. Part of me honesty wants to fly to some tropical island where no one knows me and live until the end comes rather than face breaking hearts and hurting no matter what choices I make. I’ve always been real on this board. There is also a part of me that secretly thinks to myself, “It won’t be much longer and I won’t have to make such heartwrenchiing choices that leave me feeling guilty no matter what I do”...Moment by moment and this too shall come to pass I know..Hugs and love to all finding themselves here..M

abrub's picture
Posts: 2166
Joined: Mar 2010

I'm finding Folfiri extremely tolerable - an inconvience with minimal side effects for me (basically fatigue.)  You can always start chemo and then decide not to follow through.  I have total empathy for you not wanting to get on this roller coaster again; I resumed with great trepidation.

Whatever you choose, you must do what is right for you.  You need to live your life on your terms, much as they may hurt others.  And if chemo means nothing but suffering for a few extra months, I don't think it's worth it.

You have my full support in whatever you choose.

Hugs, Alice

abita's picture
Posts: 1021
Joined: Dec 2017

Are they at least offering easier chemo? I have actually wondered if there will come a time when I have enough shrunk that i can have ablation or surgery. When I got my recurrence, one was too close to something to be removed. They shrunk to where could only be seen as cells on pet scan, but the lung ones came up. When I was off chemo while switching to MSK, only one of the liver tumors regrew. That one is shrinking fine, the lung ones shrunk a bit.

I don't have children, so can only guess how difficult talking to her about it is. I am one of those who has pets that treat as children, and I fight tone here for them because they won't really understand if I leave them.

SandiaBuddy's picture
Posts: 1176
Joined: Apr 2017

Your situation is one I dread, and I don't think anyone really knows for sure what road they will take until the stark choices are laid out before them.  There was gal who posted on the board who moved to Hawaii and ran on the beach with her dog.  I sure liked the sound of that.  I think that went well for her for a while, but I belive she later returned to the mainland and that's about all I recall hearing.  Whatever choices you make, we will stand behind you and will help in any way we can.

Posts: 27
Joined: Feb 2017

I am so sorry that was the news you received. I know it was the last thing you wanted to hear. I've always known that life isn't fair, but dang. I too catch myself wanting to run away and start over.  But I want to run away and live as though nothing is wrong and I am not dying, and it will be true. What a silly girl I am. And I too am torn apart by the pain and sadness that I have brought to my family and loved ones. And even though I haven't done anything to hurt them, I have brought this pain to them. And that sucks. Unfortunately, they are going to hurt, be sad and cry no matter what we do. They will be sad watching us suffer thru chemo, and they will be sad watching us suffer as the cancer takes over whether or not we agree to chemo. And they're going to be sad and cry when we die. No matter how long the process takes, no matter how much time chemo buys (if it buys any at all), it's not enough time. There is never enough time. A line from an old Jim Croce song about saving Time In A Bottle just popped into my head....

"But there never seems to be enough timeTo do the things we want to do once we find them"

No matter what, we're damned if we do and damned if we don't. So we just have to figure out what works for us as individuals. And that's what makes the world go 'round. Some will say no to any type of surgery or treatment and wait for nature to take its course. Some will insist on every type of surgery and every type of treatment known, desperately trying to "beat" cancer until often times, it is the treatment that kills them. And some will try to find a balance of cycling on & off chemo at a reduced and tolerable dosage until that too loses its charm with cancer. There are no wrong answers, only answers that are right for us as individuals. I wish none of us had to be experiencing this. Most of all, I wish us peace and love. 

Kazenmax's picture
Posts: 450
Joined: Feb 2016

We can only do what’s best for ourselves. After my last chemo, I said no more. But if it does come back, I’m not sure what I will do. I know my soN will want me to do whatever I have to do to stay with him. I know my grandchildren will have a very hard time as well. I hate the thought of hurting them.

i have been feeling good lately. Finally fully recovered from the last chemo so it’s hard to think about starting again. I really don’t know what I would do.


Kazenmax's picture
Posts: 450
Joined: Feb 2016

I’m so sorry. I wish I could offer wise words but I can’t. Just know that I feel you and I’m with you however you want to deal with this.

Sending love and peace.


Annabelle41415's picture
Posts: 6711
Joined: Feb 2009

So sorry to hear this as this is the last thing anyone wants to hear.  You alone can make this decision, but it sounds like you have already given this much thought throughout your posts since your initial diagnosis.  My heart is with you and your children.  It's so very difficult to see your loved ones hurting, especially when you really don't want what they want you to do.  Whatever your decision might be, I'm sure your children will be with you through it all. 


AnneO1965's picture
Posts: 180
Joined: May 2019

I wish I could give you a hug Mo, I so understand what you are wrestling with.

I told my children that I would do one round of treatment, and that was it. I did that. If it comes back, then it's supposed to be my time. They are not happy with what I've decided, but they are learning to live with it just as I am.

In the end, you have to decide for you. Most of us understand what chemo means, your babies do not. They see the outside of it, but not how it makes you feel on the inside. Whatever you decide, know that you have many people here pulling for you.

With much love,


Msboop15's picture
Posts: 83
Joined: Apr 2019

My heart goes out to you. I totally understand where you are. It's bad enough to be diagnosed with cancer.  Having to make the kind of soul-searching decisions you face adds insult to injury.  I will keep you in my thoughts & prayers.  Like you, I find the idea of running off to a tropical island very tempting. I guess, in a weird way, I'm fortunate that I don't have children to consider.   I get scan results 12/26 and may be facing some of the same decisions. 

SandiaBuddy's picture
Posts: 1176
Joined: Apr 2017

These damned scans hang over our heads like the sword of Damocles.  Best of luck in the upcoming results, MsBoop.

Butt's picture
Posts: 355
Joined: May 2018

Did they test you for TIL? Did you consider an immunotherapy trail in MD Anderson that is for MSS? They still have slots left. There is a clinic in Germany and Russia that I think may take this number thru surgery. you will have to go there and be taugh cookie in a cold without language but it is better than chemo! 

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