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Should I Stay Or Should I Go

Nanabeck
Posts: 12
Joined: Sep 2016

Hi its been awhile since Ive posted but alittle background my husband went through tongue cancer and hes coming up on 3 yrs cancer free. It was a rough couple of yrs for us both but more for him of course. We had recently moved 225 miles from family so I had no help from anyone and am hurt noone came to see him, now I see I made the right choice. 

Weve been together since '91 and married 13 yrs and decided to retire to the country.  Well 1 yr later hes diagnosed with ral cancer and then and there our life forever changed. Hes changed so much and Im at the point in my head where I dont think he loves me anymore and hes not a communicator never really has been but now, nothing personal. Is it the chemo? Does cancer change people's feelings towards others? Should I stay or should I go? Thank you for listening Ive never talked about this to anyone. 

JerzyGrrl's picture
JerzyGrrl
Posts: 760
Joined: Jun 2016

Sorry to hear you've been having a tough time of it. 

Living with cancer definitely affects us. So does the treatment. It also impacts our significant others. It's good to connect with others to realize we're not the only ones who've had this happen, who've felt this way. Would it be possible for you to ask your primary care physician or your pastor or your husband's oncologist for a recommendation / referral to a counselor or support group? 

Also, while his behavior may not seem as "loving" (whatever that might mean), that may or may not mean anything as to whether it's true. [If there's abuse, if you're in danger, take care of yourself, because that's different]. If he's not much of a communicator, I wouldn't recommend the in your face "Why don't you love me any more?" as that's pretty much doomed to failure as any sort of a beneficial technique. [Kind of like "You don't have to be so angry." "I'm not angry." "Yes, you are!" "No, I'm not..."].

I went through a very difficult time with my husband. He was having serious medical issues. I did NOT enjoy being around him at the time, not at all. Then, one day I decided I'd be more verbal (but not smothering) when I left or came back home, when I got up or went to sleep, when he or I would enter a room. I called him by his name. I'd tell him I loved him. I'd give him a little kiss or a hug. I'd smile when I saw him. No biggie, although there were days it was SO difficult to do. It wasn't magic, but it helped me feel better. He got a little bit nicer and would occasionally open up a little. I asked myself the "Ann Landers" question, "Would I be better off with or without him?" The "with" side had a few more check marks. 

I can't decide for you. You're in a different setting with a different person. You're the one who gets to decide what to do. It's not easy. 

All the best to you...

Renee RT
Posts: 1
Joined: Sep 2019

My situation is not the same as yours but I can say this...my husband of 28 years has changed since cancer came into his life this year.  He had surgery for a brain tumor, radiation and is now having chemo therapy, so a lot of things have to be factored in to the changes I see in him. For me, it doesn't really matter what has caused the changes specially, because it is cancer that changes people.  (I'd bet I'm different too as a person who loves a person fighting cancer.) Having said that...cancer probably shouldn't be an excuse either.

I wish you the best in making decisions for your future.  You aren't alone. 

ufknkidding
Posts: 45
Joined: Aug 2019

Dang, it's only been two weeks since my surgery to remove cancer and I am trying to do everything humanly possible to stay nice and kind. Cancer is a life changer from the very moment you hear the word. I'm learning to live with the after affects of surgery in hopes they will resolve or become minimal. The physical pain is more controllable with each passing day.  Just moments ago my wife responded to a question I asked and then immediately said that I did not need to get angry. Deciding to stay or go is different for everybody. Sometimes things just don't work out.  I agree with JerzyGrrl if you are in any physical danger or exposed to regular verbal abuse, you need to take action. Pastors, friends, counselors, support groups are all excellent recommendations. My wife and I saved our marriage several years ago by going to a focus on the family hope restored marriage intensive.  We were both physically healthy so you'd have to ask the counselors what impact a cancer diagnosis and treatment protocol would have on the intensive.  Best wishes.

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