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The Good, bad, and awful

Retcenturion's picture
Posts: 240
Joined: Mar 2017

This is my first Post in awhile. I needed a break from here and today I caught up on some Posts will go back to all of them.

First off, had the 2 years scans and was not bothered like the other 2 scans. Came out NED, GFR improved, blood pressure good and weight same. Hit a home run and thats the Good.

Got the CALL twice,once in December and January. 2 Co workers both in their late 50's died of Cardiac incidents. Both were in good shape and not under care for cardiac problems. It made for a crappy start of the year, but you go on cause thats what you do. Thats the Bad.

Then I get the CALL from a really close friend in mid April. This time a co worker we worked with for 20 years has Pancreatic Cancer and its bad. Wants to know if I can leave next day for 3 hour drive with 4 others to say good bye? Goodby..are you kidding me? I saw him Christmas at a retirement Party. He was training for his next Iron Man. 60 years old, had run over 25 marathon, no way its good bye. Buddy says wife kept it secrets, his wishes. Scramble get the go bag and make hotel reservations. Walk into the house, hospital bed,health aid, almost at Hospice.  He was diagnosis 6 weeks ago he had no symptons! He didn't know we were coming, he can tolerate a few hours before the meds kick in and he sleeps. We say our good byes, I know I'll never see him again alive.  He passes while were away and I miss the Funeral. The pain is searing and I cant shake the bitterness. I lost a childhood friend to ALS 30 years ago and the pain is the same, just feel awful.

My wife knows this 1 hurts. If you recall she was the caregiver for her parents with Alzheimers for several years. They both passed within the past 2 years. She wants to get away just the 2 of us before my scans because it bothers her too. We book a European Vacation spur of the moment. I haven't used Passport excluding Canada. The time away helped will have to make an effort for more travel. Theres no guarantees 

Made the 6 month appointment for December Scans. I can't control the anxiety but I'll keep making the appointments. And I know that another Call will come sooner than later and the pain will return. Thanks for the read

eug91's picture
Posts: 311
Joined: Jan 2019

I'm so sorry about the loss of your friends. Maybe it's just me, but since my diagnosis I've felt like all the emotions in my life has been heightened and enhanced - as if being forced to face my mortality made the emotions in my life sharper and more in focus. Unfortunately grief is one of those emotions and the pain of loss is just awful.

Anyways, congrats on the positive scans - and have a wonderful vacation. Europe is a lot of fun. Take care!

Allochka's picture
Posts: 949
Joined: Nov 2014

Happy to hear you are NED, but sad to hear about you hurting, and about good people just passing away, when they had lots of strength, plans, ideas to live for. 

I also have an increased sensitivity after my husband's diagnosis, and each time I hear someone is dying from cancer - I can't even imagine what they or their loved ones feel. 

2 my good friends were diagnosed with breast cancer recently, but in their cases it was Stage 1, non-agressive and easily treatable. So not a drama. But definitely a reminder to enjoy life NOW.

Enjoy your vacation. I live in Europe, and travelled it extensively. You have so many impressions ahead!

APny's picture
Posts: 1998
Joined: Mar 2014

So sorry to hear about losing your friends; that's painful and difficult. Glad to hear about the NED results though and also that you're planning a European vacation. Carpe Diem, as they say!

WeAreWarriors's picture
Posts: 12
Joined: May 2019

Now I understand how difficult getting older is. We start to lose people who should not go at such young ages. It is brutal. I had my nephrectomy April 21 and in theory my life was saved. April 22 a close friend lost his wife of 22 years to what began as ovarian cancer. She was only 53, two kids 10 and 16 left with no mother. They brought me dinner the Sunday after she passed. She knew I was having surgery and she signed up to bring my family a meal on the first night home because she knew she only had weeks left! It's not fair. Too many too soon. On the other side a close friend just completed the Kona Triathlon exactly one year after competing  chemo and radiation for throat cancer. He is only 53 also! There seems to be no rhym or reason to anything when cancer is involved. I am hoping to complete the Malibu Triathlon in my friends honor on September 15. I can walk 2 miles so far. Now I just need to learn to swim 1/2 a mile by September. Somehow having this goal for her is giving me strength. Enjoy Europe. Enjoy the gift of surviving. 

AliceB1950's picture
Posts: 110
Joined: Jun 2019

At the time I had endometrial/uterine cancer eleven years ago, two friends at work also got cancer.  One was breast, and very early stage, and one was pacreatic, and we lost her within 6 months.  She spent her time traveling the country with her two daughters, making memories for them.  I just lost another friend this spring (a rare type of cervical cancer), also from the same work place.  Her memorial is this Friday.  And another friend from the same work place has Stage 4 ovarian cancer, but she was the one who kept me sane when I had two cancers last year.  There have been others with cancer who worked with us, one who died of an aggressive prostate cancer.  Grief and survivor's guilt are a tough combination on their own.  Add onto that not wanting to talk about mine because I know others who have it worse, and it's really hard some days.  Hugs to you, Retcenturion, I do understand.

MelBlessed's picture
Posts: 71
Joined: Aug 2017

Im sorry for your pain and loss.  It seems so many of us have felt the pain and loss of dear friends.  8 months after my diagnosis, my doctor whom I worked with for 14 years and found my cancer was diagnosed with Glioblastoma, devastating to him and his family and to his work family. Then my 45 year old nephew diagnosed stage 4 thyroid cancer.  Both have grim prognosis.   I have mixed feelings thankful for my good prognosis, but of course the nagging why them? Such good people with young families. No answers, just prayers. Thank you for your post and allowing us all to express our feelings.

Apaugh's picture
Posts: 856
Joined: Aug 2016

this is hard stuff we see and go through.  I too have seen so many go through this, going through this and many die from this nasty thing called cancer.  Gives me so many mixed emotions.  We all just keep fighting.  We just keep hoping and praying.  We remain warriors to give hope to others, to encourage others to keep on trying.  So many have come before us and their experiences and bravery became the road map for others.  I feel like me fighting is the least I can do to honor them.

Hugs and prayers for great outcomes,


CRashster's picture
Posts: 239
Joined: Mar 2017

the pains of survivorship.

Manufred's picture
Posts: 241
Joined: May 2017

Small personal successes tend to pale into insignificance when we are again confronted with the grim reality that cancer still is for most.  Hard to see other succcumb when we have been given a lifeline. 

We need to do wll we can to ensure that the researchers get maximum support for pushing onwards in the good fight against this scourge.

Ironic to say this, but commiserations from a fellow survivor. 


Posts: 489
Joined: Aug 2017

i just lost my best friend.. being together  we were 12

 before  my husband and my cancer this I never worried

then I panicked

what do you do when you have exhausted every thing else



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