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Emotional Abuse/No Where To Go

kat2013's picture
kat2013
Posts: 20
Joined: Sep 2013

Hi,

I am posting this because I guess it is in hopes that someone has been in a similar situation and can advise me. I am almost at my breaking point. I really don't expect answers to my problems, as I can't see a way out. I have ONE person who helps me, and he is only using me as a way to make himself look like a martyr and as a way to make himself feel better. By that I mean he is a controlling narcisist and having a girlfriend who is helpless and has no means of leaving is perfect for him. He mistreats me emotionally, humiliates me in front of others (making fun of my incontinence), and gropes and does sexually inappropriate things to me (EVEN in the hospital when I am seriously ill with sepsis. It is like living with Dr Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. On one hand, he has been there for me since I was dignosed, taken me to all my appointments, just everything. BUT.....then he uses it against me. I ust got out of the hospital with another serious infection. I am having to do IV fusions at home, and also trying to do antibody infusions myself, and very ill. So I am dealing with a lot physically. He was so nice while I was in the hospital. Since I got home there was a "switch".....from the moment I got home he has completely ignored me as if I were not even here. The only time he is speaking to me is to "correct" me about some thing I did that he didn't like (like the way I cooked something etc)...the back to silent treatment. Nothing happened to cause it, he just does this. He has not asked how I am or checked on me etc. I have no one else. This has been going on for 6 years but not as bad....until this year. He has terrorised me riding with him in his vehicle (road rage). He pulled a gun out at someone and pointed it at them (Pointing it out the passenger window which meant the gun was INCHES from my face). On the way home a few days ago he didn't like that a peron passed him...so he FLOORED it and started passing cars at a high rate of speed with other cars coming head on! I was terrified. Needless to say I don't need this when I am crtically ill. This person can be the sweetest on earth one minute, and the meanest the next. No one knows about this except my sister and Mom. I have no place to go but I can't take this anymore. I have come to the moment where I think this stress will kill me before the kidney disease. I am CONSTANTLY stressed. I am under many treatments at the moment, and am on medicaid, so I can't leave the area, but somehow I have to get my own place. I can't work so I only get an SSI check, and it is not enough. I don't have many years left, and it may not be that long.....all I want is some peace to enjoy the time I have left. I am a survivor of urethral and vulvar cancer, my bladder was ruinrd bt radiation (so had to have a radical cysectomy). I had a complete revision and now have a urostomy which requires stents to keep ureters open. The ureters are like bacterial magnets and I have had so many kidney infections I have lost count (many caused sepsis). So now I have stage 4 kidney disease and am looking like dyalisis is in my future pretty soon. I don't know what to do. I don't really know what I expect from writing this. What I have written here is only the tip of the iceberg. So many things that it sounds unbelievable even to me. I am caught in a nightmare....no exaggeration. I should also note that this person (my caregiver) is an alchholic and drinks into a stupor, has drunks friends coming in and out during his BBQs while I am sick. I asked him not to drink in my last hospital stay because my heart rate kept dropping (in case something happened) and he promised he wouldn't. Found out after getting home that not ONLY did he drink into stupor, but actually threw a BBQ party and played guitar all night! This is the person who claims he "loves" me. If that is love, I want no part of it. Since being diagnosed with cancer, I have spent much time hospitalized (6 years of it) and I lay there listening to other patients getting love and support, and I lay there alone. Since my sister was killed (vehicle accident) I have no one....she was my rock. I have 2 grown sons but don't see them much as they work offshore and are gone a lot. They have large families so don't have money to help. My other sister lives i Texas and has her own things to deal with. I don't know what to do. I feel like giving up and that is NOT like me. I am just mentally and physically DONE. Sorry this is so long.

Catholic's picture
Catholic
Posts: 86
Joined: May 2016

Im on the other side but I understand your comments and I completely believe you.  I am the caregiver.  My wife was
diagnosed with cancer about 3 years ago and went through 11 months of chemotherapy.  My wife has transformed into
an absolute idiot; she is embarrising to be around, abusive, lazy and its a nightmare dealing with her bad
behavior over and over.  I always thought it was just the caregivers that had it bad until I read your comments.

If your just dating this guy, then you have to find an apartment somewhere, somehow.  Even a shared apartment with
other people.  An apartment near the clinic and near a grocery store will put you in a position of strength.  You can
get where you need to go by walking.

In my opinion, abusive people are immature, childlike fools and being abusive toward others is sign that they have
issues that you havent discovered yet (and might not ever want to discover).  I'll give you an example.  My wife and I
came home from the hospital after the birth of our 3rd child and she went to live in the basement fulltime (23+ hours
a day in the basement).  I had a 6 year old, a 4 year old and a 1-day old and somebody had to pay the bills.  After 18 months
in the basement, my wife just started calling the police on me and accusing me of something bad from beating the
kids, to beating the dog, to cheating on my taxes and more.  She called the police 12-15 times.  It was embarrissing
and all false (nothing she said was true).  Then she left to get an apartment and there was peace.  2 weeks later
her sister came to visit and after a month of her saying awful things about me to her sister, she finally went to
a clinic and was eventually diagnosed with cancer. All that vast immaturity; all the accusations; all the abuse
she put me through and then she was diagnosed with cancer.  Your boyfriend might have some hidden issue
that you will eventually discover but going on that journey is not recommended.  

You sound mature from your writings.  You have to put yourself in a position of strength/independence and
the right apartment will do that.  It doesnt have to be anything fancy.

 

Elaine_wi's picture
Elaine_wi
Posts: 119
Joined: Jun 2017

Please call this domestic abuse hotline and talk to someone: 800-799-7233

You can also go to this website to have a silent, online chat for help:   https://www.thehotline.org/

You are not trapped, there are people out there that will help you. You deserve a better life!

jan9wils's picture
jan9wils
Posts: 91
Joined: Mar 2017

You don't deserve this. You know it, but you are weakened by disease and treatments, and that is making it hard to find the strength to get the help you need. On top of all of that you are dealing with the loss of your sister. I am glad elaine_wi gave you some contacts. The American Cancer Society has some resources. If you are old enough, the county will have some resources for seniors to help aquiring an apartment and other services. Your sons can probably make some inquiries on your behalf which won't cost them much in time or money. They may like being able to help their mother in this way.

Alcoholics are addicts. Your friend is an addict. His behaviors are typical of an addict. He cannot help you. He will not change. Something I learned in AlAnon about alcoholics is the three C's:  you didn't cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it. 

Please find within yourself the strength you need to say goodbye to this toxic relationship. You will then be able to focus on taking care of yourself.

GingerMay's picture
GingerMay
Posts: 134
Joined: Sep 2016

I think you have good advice here.  Your partner is unlikely to change. If there is any change in your circumstances, it will likely have to be you that makes those changes. I know you are tired and exhausted, but living under such conditions might only be adding to it. You are not stuck.  You have choices.  You deserve to live in an enviroment that supports good heath. My sister has an abusive husband who points guns at her and is physically violent but she refuses to leave. After a while, I think people can become codependent and believe they cannot live without the very person who abuses them. Thoughts and prayers to you and hoping you can find a good way forward.  

a_oaklee
Posts: 499
Joined: Nov 2013

I feel sorry for you and I do understand feeling trapped and somewhat helpless.  Feeling hopeless can come from depression that just doesnt give you the ability to see things through a better filter.

I do hope that you start talking about this to people who can help.  Your oncology clinic staff might be a good start.  They will help you.  It's really all part of your recovery.  You could request to speak with a social worker about how to get out on your own, and what is available to help you.  I'd also talk to my GP.  Churches have people who want to help.

You have to research where you can live and what it costs.  How much money do you need monthly.  What services are available through your insurance.   

I also think you should just ask your sons if they can help you.  You are assuming the people who love you cant help.  It sounds to me that you are uncomfortable asking for help.  That's understandable.  You need to ask yourself whether you would want your sons or your sister to live the way you are.  I'm sure you would want them to come to you for help.  Maybe your boys can help research online a new place to live, and help physically with the move.  Maybe your sister could afford to send you a little bit of money each month.  I would think of everyone...parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends.  Maybe one of them has a room to rent.

Stress is horrible and so negative on your health.  You just really need a quiet, peaceful environment.  

Start by making a list of what your needs are, and then start finding how to make it happen.  Social workers should be your resource person.

I wish the very best for you.  I hope you will realize there are people willing to help.  You just have to find them, and they have to find you.

kat2013's picture
kat2013
Posts: 20
Joined: Sep 2013

I am not feeling well but I wanted to thank you ALL for commenting. I guess I just needed a little encouragement. I know what I need to do, but wanted to hear it from someone else lol. I do need to be honest with my sons. I tend to play down things about my health because I don't want to upset people I love. There is a lot I haven't told them, including my real situation, mostly because I am ashamed I put myself in this position. I will talk to them, although I am not sure how yet. As for my extended family, I will try to ask for help, but I won't hold my breath. They do not even seem to find the time to come see me (except my sister) When I first got diagnosed, everyone rallyed around me and said "we will be here for you"....but as time went on, they tired of it, and got more and more distant. The calls and visits lessened until....none. This seems to be a common thing many people with cancer experience, except those blessed with very tight families. I will try to talk to them though.  I have so many health issues, especially with kidney infections that I am terrified to be alone, but it is better than being made to feel like I can't enjoy the time I have on this Earth! I am so unhappy because I am a very creative person, and I am not even "allowed" to change a picture or do anything around here....he will come along and take it down (grrrr) Thanks for all the great advice.....it is well recieved! Oh...and to "Catholic"......I am so sorry to hear what you are dealing with. I have been both caretaker and patient. I worked in home health before all this and took care of both of my ex inlaws when they had cancer and demetia , so I know what you mean. I hope things get better for you. I will be back soon, just trying to deal with all this. Nice to meet you all!

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