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I am not a Survivor

manapart's picture
manapart
Posts: 50
Joined: Feb 2019

Ill try to make this brief. Rattling the cage, only annoys people. Theres no way out and venting doesn't help. I am not a survivor. I am not a fighter. I never will be. I have spent the last two months of my life trying to find the internal resources within me to have the courage and strength to fight cancer. Its not there. Right now im holding on to the support of another person with cancer who is a actual survivor and fighter. More than likely I will die before the end of this year. I will not commit to a vigorous chemotherapy regiment. I can deal with and manage pain but nausea is my achillies heel. Only low dose chemo if tolerable. And surgery if resectable. My mental state will continue to decline. I dont know how to live anymore. This elephant is going to be on my back until the day I die. I live by the very little sand left in my hourglass. And I fear dying and death itself. Its just endless greiving from now til as far as the eye can see. I cant function, focus or do anything I enjoy anymore. I am permenantly emotionally and mentally traumatized and paralyzed. This is it. The only fight I have left is internally. Acceptance. Coping. And somehow hold on to whats left of my dignity. Dont go insane. I know there is not anything anyone can do or say. The prognosis is what it is and my symptons are getting worse. Im 40 and I can barely move around. I admire that will and burning desire you all have. Its not something you can come on a forum and learn or read a book about. Its something you have to have been born with. Something you have to already have there. Ive read probably a hundred of inspirational stories, had mentors call and speak to me for hours, and have a wonderful friend I met here that is giving her time and effort to never allow me to feel hopeless or alone. It is a big, bitter, jagged pill to swallow after all I have gone through in life. 

Since this is the only place ive been posting, and is still relevant to my condition, I will continue to post here even I have pan cancer. Cos there is not many posts in the Pan C forum, and I know why. 

I might try to use this forum as a journal. I have to have some sort of reference to my slow descent into mental deterioration and incoherence. And have some place to pour out my emotions, and just scream out silently. Not for help. Im just a fly in a spiderweb. Screaming at the black demon hovering over me that takes joy in watching me flail around hopelessly and cry. For it to just go ahead, get on with it and get it over with now..... please. 

 

 

Spunky2u
Posts: 1
Joined: Mar 2019

My heart is breaking for you and I know it is not your intent.  I came to this site because my dear friend has just found out she has colon cancer.  The depths of your pain is palpable in your writing.  I am here listening if you need someone.  My name is Mary and I live in Dallas.  I dedicate my day to you with humbleness and kind thoughts.

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2196
Joined: Sep 2014

Rod, my heart is breaking for you. You're very eloquent in your descriptions of how you feel. The world will be a poorer place without you here.

Mary, that was very nicely said and welcome.

Hugs,

Jan

 

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 5808
Joined: Feb 2009

I'm so sorry that you are feeling such despair.  You are right, one cannot come to any site, read any book or just flip a switch to make yourself feel better or happier.  Cancer is a lonely road to travel sometimes, especially with family and friends around it sometimes feels like your mind is consummed with fear and doubt.  Just know that we are here for you.  Just know that my prayers are with you.

Kim

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4875
Joined: May 2005

As a longtime cage rattler, rattle away. I’m sorry to hear you are going through a hard time. Getting diagnosed can very easily be a devastating blow to all of us. It was for me. I saw from your profile that you are newly dx’x. I’d like to ask you a few questions. 

  • Are you being treated at a reputable cancer center or your local hospital?
  • Have you gotten the very important second opinion from an oncologist who’s an expert in their field?
  • You seem to be having a very hard time emotionally. Have you spoken with a professionally trained therapist? If not, I urge you to go ASAP.

I believe there’s no right or wrong way to deal with one’s cancer. It’s unique to each of us. I haven’t read any other posts you’ve written but from what I’ve read here, you seem to be going down without a fight or exploring your options.

Pardon my bluntness but as I said earlier, I’m a longtime cage rattler who was given less than a year to live 15 years ago. I didn’t get here by accepting the first thing I was told.

phil

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 5808
Joined: Feb 2009

So glad to see your post.  Just thinking about you two days ago and wondering if you were still lurking.  You look great and pleased to see you.  Thanks for all your support throughout the years. 

Kim

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4875
Joined: May 2005

I'm still here! You look great too. Love your new profile photo. I recently celebrated my 15th Cancerversary ☺️. While I'm still in treatment things are quite good. I've been pretty busy doing real estate photography. I started my own business 2 years ago. I'm just busy enough since I do have days when I'm in a 'daze'.

ron50's picture
ron50
Posts: 1691
Joined: Nov 2001

   You put in an appearance phil I was starting to get increasingly worried about you. Glad to see you can still hit the keys mate, Ron.

PhillieG's picture
PhillieG
Posts: 4875
Joined: May 2005

I will certainly let everyone know when I'm dead. Hopefully, before I'm dead ;-)
Glad to see you're still here as well!

beaumontdave's picture
beaumontdave
Posts: 871
Joined: Aug 2013

I know why too, the same reason there were few posts in Brain Cancer, where I looked for my wife,  you've got to carry some hope, even if very small. Outside of that hope, my philosophizing would just be rattling your cage, so I'll just keep wishing you some form of mental, emotional peace, however you may find it................................................Dave

feckcancer
Posts: 58
Joined: Jun 2018

 

please try not to be scared. whatever happens you will meet some of the most kindest and bravest people that you have have ever met. Some doctors are looking into a link between depression and cancer & who knows, as you get better your depression/mental health issues may as well too.

if there is a link does the cancer cause depression or does the depression cause cancer?

there were a few post re this before this site crashed and it seems alot on here did have bad depression as i did myself. 3 years on no cancer no depression but i am only starting to feel as i am healing now but thats okay, it is what it is. 

Can i please make a suggestion? you say you obsess. make yourself obsess on a cure and follow it through, only focusing on that. research what is helpful & disregard the rest. You know you have to do the chemo etc but make it work more powerfully for your good by anything that is positive towards cure be that prayer, crystals, tumeric, medical MJ, not eating red meat, not smoking, meditation whatever. if your doctors okay it do it and only worry about the other stuff if it happens. if you are not dead at this very moment in time don't waste time you could be using to learn about helping to heal yourself 

i hope this is helpful for you. so easy to go down a black rabbit hole when you hear the word cancer. i was so scared but it was ok but had the attitude whatever i had done to contribute to me gettinng cancer by my unhealthy habits i had to stop. fix what you can & trust your doctors. you have to be brave. You have to be tough.

BTW for me i went into hospital for chemo because i was attached to a drip and had chemo 24/7 for a week twice. two serperate occasions of a whole week of my body being flooded with chemo for 24/7. the only break was when they changed the drip. and guess what. no sickness, no nausea, no baldness. nothing. was out shopping the day after i left hospital.

Take care

 

Lily Flower's picture
Lily Flower
Posts: 242
Joined: Jul 2017

Don't let the fear of having nausea stop you from fighting. Your oncologist will prescribe the anti-nausea medication for you while you're on chemo. Although I didn't have any while I was on but I heard cannabis edibles also help with nausea and gives you a good appetite because as you know having nutritional meals help with  good body weight, maintain strength, keep your body tissue healthy which decrease any side effects from chemo. Putting on some extra body weight also benefit yourself while you're on the treatment. Also having a positive attitude plays a major role in handling the cancer treatments. I'm not saying that it's going to cure the cancer but it definitely helps you cope with it. I read a lot of articles when I first got diagnosed and I remember reading one that said that positive thinking helps relieves stress and makes you feel less anxious. With that you can focus on getting through your treatments. Just remember that if all of us stop fighting, none of us are here posting. I wish you the best! 

KarenMG's picture
KarenMG
Posts: 87
Joined: Jun 2017

I understand that you feel broken and hopeless, I get it. I feel like I've had a bad attitude since I was diagnosed. It just felt like a death sentence. I really pushed back against getting chemo or radiation, my sister pushed me a lot. Now she's gone (I think she decided I was too much for her) She was not much of a sister or even a friend anyhow!

None the less, I have continued to survive and took what treatments I could handle. I'm still here after 2 plus years, I don't look sick but inside I definitely feel that something is terribly wrong.

The one optimistic thing that I do cling to is "Where there is life, there is hope". So while we are still on this side of the ground, I think we should do what we can to survive. No one can predict what the future holds, not Doctors, not anyone.

I do see a therapist and I think it helps, at least you can get out all the terrible thoughts you are having and surprisingly to me sometimes it does end up making me feel better.

These are just my experiences and opinions, take what you will and leave the rest. I wish for you to find some peace, that to me is a very important thing and could make everything much better...I do wish that for you so much.

Much love,

Karen

Twinzma
Posts: 149
Joined: Jan 2018

Look Rod, Life has dealt you some pretty low blows. But to say you are not a fighter, can't be further from the truth! You really do not give yourself enough credit at all. You came here, have poured your heart out that took a lot of strength. You have tired to get out of your funk, well that takes strength to attempt you know. You have read positive outcomes looking to find hope in your darkest hour, well that too took a lot of strength. So please don't say that you are not a fighter, because honey you ARE a fighter! You are so strong, I just wish you could see it and stop beating yourself up. 

You have been given some good advice here by the others, so I will leave it at that. I just wanted to add my two cents....That you are very strong! 

 

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