CSN Login
Members Online: 13

You are here

More Fear And Loathing - News About My Surgery

Peter_S's picture
Peter_S
Posts: 189
Joined: Oct 2018

Many thanks to all of you who suffered through my dreary post about fear - thank you for toughing it out and thank you for sharing both your own fears and how you overcame them - it helped a great deal. It was surprising to me that NewHere of all people was able to offer up a lucid and well thought out perspective. It was smart, insightful and true. New said:

 "The only people who are facing what you are facing without being scared, or really terrified, at one point or another are either idiots or liars. And you are neither of those.'"
 
It's true and there's no more shame in being fearful then there is in grief or sorrow. Whatever it is we feel in our hearts is alright, valid and OK. Those who dismisses your feelings are not allies in this fight and they are not friends so choose carefully who you let close. This fight is too important to waste time with toxic and broken people.
 
NewHere's comment also proves the "Infinite Monkey Theorem" which can be traced back to Aristotle and was eventually formulated into practical theory by renowned Physicist Sir Arthur Eddington in 1913. It's based on the hypothesis that if you give a monkey a typewriter and he hits the keys at random for an infinite period of time he will eventually produce the complete works of William Shakespeare. The quote above, written by New proves Mr. Eddington correct. What is odd about all this is that I tried to re-create his theory with a simple experiment but it proved an epic fail. I sat at my computer randomly striking keys for days on end, until I physically collapsed from exhaustion and all I produced was my mothers recipe for sponge cake.
 
My surgery is this Monday at 12:30, the operating room is reserved for seven hours, I'm still scared but it's under control, I've faced worse and I can face this. My determination to survive is greater than fear and I know that goes for all of us - regardless of where we are along this path. We're slaying that dragon one strike at a time and every strike is a victory both for ourselves and our brothers and sisters in arms. Our numbers are legion and that makes us powerful, we are a lethal enemy to cancer, we are a force to be reckoned with.
 
Earlier this morning, long before dawn I stood looking at our Christmas tree, captivated by the sheer natural beauty of it, breathing in the pine soaked air looking at the tiny white lights that coil around her branches, every needle perfect and full of wonder. The wonder of the great outdoors and the incredible beauty and the awesome, unstoppable power of  Nature. For a moment this single wondrous tree had transported me to a dense Alpine forest of profound organic beauty. It was then that I reached for the remote and increased the speed making the tree spin around even faster, so fast the aluminum needles lost their individual perfection and became a whirling blur of madly reflective, mirror finish silver.
 
I pressed more buttons on the tree's remote and in no time had the Gloria Gaynor Disco classic "I Will Survive" blasting from the tree's cleverley hidden speakers. In that moment, I felt as close to nature as I ever have and I knew without question that I'll make just like Gloria and I too will survive.
 
I stood there naked as the day I was born, tears streaming down my soaked chubby cheeks. Not because I was crying but because I had turned the thermostat all the way up and my lower back was perspiring profusely. My dream like state was shattered by the screaming of my husband Sean as he burst into the living room like a seething out of control madman "you lunatic it's 120 degrees in here! the dogs are dehydrated! what is wrong with you! you idiot!"  I ignored his wrath because I know we can't control others we can only have control over ourselves and the choices we make. I let him rant and rave as I made our Gloria Gaynor singing, solid cast aluminum Christmas tree with blinding bright multi-colored neon strobe lighting spin around even faster as the love of my life hollered "I'm throwing out this revolting thing and getting a real Christmas tree!"  Then he threw a robe at me and told me to cover myself up. He had a point because I was standing in front of our big Bay Window which doesn't have a curtain or shades. But still, some people have no Christmas spirit. 
 
I'm not complaining he didn't ask to be my caretaker but he stepped up to the plate immediately - he walked away from a twenty year career without blinking an eye so he could take care of me, and he does. He keeps me going just like he has for thirty years, so let him go out and get a pine tree if he wants. Let him ignore the spinning, singing, whirling, blinding bright blinking neon work of wonder that whips around our living room running on it's own gasoline powered generator. It's all good and it's all OK and it's all going to be alright for us and for you too. It's a bit early however, I would like to wish every one of you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanuka and a happy whatever else anyone celebrates. I wish hope and healing for each and every one of you - for you inspire me.  
SandiaBuddy's picture
SandiaBuddy
Posts: 557
Joined: Apr 2017

Best of luck in your upcoming surgery.  Build up your energy for it, and once you are through (I know I sound like a one-string violin) start exercising immediately.  Bring a bathrobe and slippers, as the hospital outfit is not too good for walking laps around the hall.  Cheers.

Peter_S's picture
Peter_S
Posts: 189
Joined: Oct 2018

I have a robe slippers packed so a walkin' I will go I plan to continue on after surgery. I'm down of 40 pounds and want to keep the weight off as well as get myself in better overall shape. I appreciate your kind words and that you took the time to post a reply, see you soon. Peter  

SophDan2's picture
SophDan2
Posts: 130
Joined: Jul 2017

Hi Pete,

Well by now you're through your surgery and will be home shortly. Time for the next stage, which is to leave it all in the rear view mirror. It doesn't matter what stage the rate your CC; the important thing is to stay strong, get through your treatments and get on with your life (at least that's what worked for me, but everybody is diiferent). I can tell by your writing that you are a strong spirit. If and when you ar ready to get your physical strength back; go to your nearest YMCA and ask them about the "Live Strong" program. It is a wonderful program designed specifically for post treatment cancer people looking to rebuild their strength. It will get your physical life back on the tracks in no time.

Good luck in your recovery!

Canadian Sandy's picture
Canadian Sandy
Posts: 407
Joined: Jul 2016

I want your Christmas tree! haha   Aside from trees I will be thinking of you on Monday Peter. Lots of prayers going your way.

Peter_S's picture
Peter_S
Posts: 189
Joined: Oct 2018

This way you're bound to think it's Halloween and not Christmas. Sandy you're a peach and I thank you for well wishes, laughs and prayers. All of which I send right back to you. Peter

Peter_S's picture
Peter_S
Posts: 189
Joined: Oct 2018

This way you're bound to think it's Halloween and not Christmas. Sandy you're a peach and I thank you for well wishes, laughs and prayers. All of which I send right back to you. Peter

Kazenmax's picture
Kazenmax
Posts: 188
Joined: Feb 2016

Dry your cheeks and relax .Go have a wonderful dinner before you have to prep. We will be With you in spirit!

Kaz

Peter_S's picture
Peter_S
Posts: 189
Joined: Oct 2018

Glad you got the little play on words with cheeks, you're a sharp cookie. Thanks for the support now if you really mean it how about taking my place on the operating table? Naah I'm ready and as always, I thank you for suffering through another long winded post and taking the time to reply. I'll be back with play by play details - stay well Kaz, and thanks again. Peter

Kazenmax's picture
Kazenmax
Posts: 188
Joined: Feb 2016

After getting wheeled into the operating room , saw the array of tools on the table next to me. I started to cry and the nurse next helinch me onto the operating table said "don't worry, we won't use all those tools." Made me smile just as I was fading out.

ellend
Posts: 94
Joined: Apr 2016

The image of the whirling dervish tree and you in your birthday suit is too much!

In all seriousness, wishing you a speedy recovery and that you are home to enjoy that tree and the holidays with your husband and dogs. I wouldn't wish being in the hospital over the holidays on anyone. Been there, done that. Hope not to do it again and that was Thanksgiving a few years back.

Good luck and will be sending prayers, hugs, good thoughts your way.

Ellen

Peter_S's picture
Peter_S
Posts: 189
Joined: Oct 2018

Oh the horror, I don't think you'll ever unsee that Picture anytime soon, sorry about that. We figured we'll have Christmas whenever we please so no worries - thanks for making it through yet another seemingly endless post, you're a trooper and always awfully fun. Have a great holiday Ellen be well. Peter 

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 5810
Joined: Feb 2009

You will be in my prayers for your surgery and please let us know, when you are able, how you are doing and feeling.  Just a reminder to walk, walk, walk, and walk some more.  With your great attitude I've got no doubt that you will do just fine.  Do what they tell you and don't push it.  Sometimes the pills can make you feel like you can do things you shouldn't.  Be careful and relax when you should, but don't be a couch potato.  Wishing you the best outcome and praying that the doctor's and assistants are guided from the best hands above.

Kim

Peter_S's picture
Peter_S
Posts: 189
Joined: Oct 2018

Kim, you should know I never do what anyone tells me, but in this case I'll be making an exception. I've got a great medical team and I'm really looking foreward to an end to this waiting, I know you've had more than your share of this torture yourself so I'll be on cloud 9 just having this over with. Thank you for caring and please know how much I appreciate your well wishes and prayers. I'll be sending some your way in return, be well. Peter

Lily Flower's picture
Lily Flower
Posts: 215
Joined: Jul 2017

Wow this is it. Tomorrow is your surgery. Colectomy is a major surgery. Fear is inevitable and it is certainly here to stay with you until you passed out from the general anesthesia you'll receive right before the surgery. I had mine on 8/3/17. I didn't find out that I would be having my surgery only 2 days before when I was seeing my wonderful surgeon for a follow up. He only performs surgeries on Thursdays and he didn't want me to wait until the following Thursday because he didn't want me to have a blockage. So there I was panicking thinking I have to go back to my office to delegate my work to my coworkers. Yeah I was worried about my work. The day of my surgery, my older daughter was with me. She was with me until they wheeled me into the operation room. My surgery lasted 6 hours. My surgeon got my daughter's cell number so he could call her right after the surgery was done. I remember someone was calling my name to wake up and it was my anesthesiologist and saw my daughter was standing at the foot of my bed. My surgeon was on my right side. It was exactly where everyone were standing before I passed out. I was wondering was the surgery done. I couldn't believe it was 6 hours later. It felt like I just dozed off. Lol Later I found out that my daughter actually stayed at the waiting room the whole 6 hours! She had her laptop and kindle for reading. It has been over a year since my colonoscopy on 7/8/17 when I found out I had a malignant tumor in my sigmoid. After my surgery I was informed I had stage 3B. I had my adjuvant chemo from September 2017 to February 2018. I did the 8 treatments of Oxaliplatin via IV drip (I didn't do the port route) and xeloda pills. I had my follow up CT scan and colonoscopy in April and May this year with a clean result  I will be having them yearly.  

I certainly will be praying for you tomorrow. You will be ok and you will come out of this feeling like a new person...like me. :) Sean will not be going anywhere, he will be right there waiting for you.you will be seeing his goofy face, or him seeing yours! :D

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 4517
Joined: Jan 2013

I hate surgery, and I've had 11 of them. I hate the tight, bound up feeling the body gets when it is super nervous. I'm thinking you're probably at that stage right now. 

I don't think there is any way around the nerves. You're handing your body, your very life to other people, and have absolutely no control. I hate not having control. 

All I can say is take some deep, deep breaths and close your eyes.  Lily is right, once you're out, your waking up and it doesn't seem like you went anywhere...... until you move, and then you realize, yeah, major surgery. 

Once they give you the OK to get up, do so. It hurts getting out of bed. Heck, it hurts getting into the sitting position, but once you're on your feet, the pain lessens, and the more you walk, the faster you will heal. 

We will all be with you in spirit. You will do well, how can you not, with so much love from those who love you and this bunch here, on t he forum.

Thinking of you.

Tru 

Lily Flower's picture
Lily Flower
Posts: 215
Joined: Jul 2017

I had the miralax mixed with Gatorade for my prep surgery and it made me puked. I'd rather drink the golytely solution for the colonoscopy than this. Till this day I still gag when I see Gatorade. :/

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 4517
Joined: Jan 2013

The GoLYTELY made me puke, all over the bathroom wall. I've not done the Gatorade one, which is good, becasue I don't like Garorade. I did magnesium citrate for my surgery prep, and SUPREP for my Colonoscopies.  To be honest, none of them taste good. 

Tru

Lily Flower's picture
Lily Flower
Posts: 215
Joined: Jul 2017

I mixed my Golytely the night before and chilled it in the refrigerator and I also used a straw so it went straight down my throat. I can definitely tolerate it better than the miralax. it doesn't matter what flavor you add to, they all taste awful. 

I had to edit my above post. Got my dates wrong. Chemo definitely killed some of my brain cells. Some days I can't remember anything. I get numbers mixed up often. Ugh! 

Canadian Sandy's picture
Canadian Sandy
Posts: 407
Joined: Jul 2016

I recently had the bi-peglyte.....horrible stuff never again.

Twinzma
Posts: 175
Joined: Jan 2018

I wish that there were some magic words to ease your fears. There is nothing that I can say that will make wait less daunting. Just know that I am praying for you and for Sean. You two will get through this. Have Sean grab some treats for the nurses, fed nurses are happy nurses and it will help distract him for a little bit. Listen to those nurses too when they tell you to walk around, they are not being mean and savage they are only helping you. Please bring that robe with you too, exposing yourself to the neighbors through your bay window was enough, the visitors at the hospital need not see your birthday suit too. Oh Peter, I am going to miss your posts while you recover. I will be anxiously awaiting for your colorful post on how you did. Know that I may not be there, but in spirit I am giving a great big hug! See you on the other side!!!!

abrub's picture
abrub
Posts: 2037
Joined: Mar 2010

Wishing you an uncomplicated surgery and an easy (well, as easy as possible) recovery.  No brilliant words, but I know you'll be cracking jokes by Tuesday morning!

Alice

p14175
Posts: 13
Joined: Oct 2018

Pete, you are quite the wordsmith. It takes a great deal of talent to write well. Have you ever thought about entering some of those writing contests for producing the world's worst sentences?  

https://www.bulwer-lytton.com

https://www.bustle.com/p/the-lyttle-lytton-contest-asks-people-to-write-the-worst-first-sentence-ever-the-winners-are-delightfully-bad-9077196

Anyway, it's something you might think about doing while in recovery if you get really bored.

 

I can't do it. My mathematician & engineer logic override good writing skills.

Hope you bounce back fast!

 

-Linda

Subscribe to Comments for "More Fear And Loathing - News About My Surgery"