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Trying to find Hope

manapart's picture
manapart
Posts: 67
Joined: Feb 2019

I know there is not much people can do or say. But compassion, understanding, support is all Im looking for at this point. I know what I am facing and I have no idea what will become of me. There is just this pause button on my life. I wait to see what they will recommended. Most of it I cant afford. Maybe I wont be able to tolerate the side effects. Maybe im too depressed to go on. I have overcome so many things in life but this took the cake. Nothing has ever brought me down this far. My father always told me only fight the battles you can win. Father, I dont know if I can win this one. But I have no choice but to fight anyway. Either that, or I will be joining you soon.

Instead of sitting home relaxing, enjoying whatever you usually do on a friday night, im just constantly consuming and reading about cancer, looking for people to talk to and share their experiences with me. Instead of planning my weekend, in sick, in pain, planning to just ride the bed and hope next week doesnt come. All the tests, exams, appointments. Im just so afraid. My phone ranged all day today, nurses, calling asking me seeminging the same questions about symptons or if I have insurance. Before last week I had so many goals. I told myself this year I was going to do more, and travel maybe but instead of planning for trips or a vacation, your planning your affairs and funeral. Instead of asking your boss for that raise, you have to ask for time off or maybe quit and pray you can sign up for disability or something. I cant watch a movie, when some says cancer or if a commercial related to it comes on I breakdown. Everything ive ever enjoyed or taken refuge in just doesnt exist anymore. Im emotionally paralyzed and the fear is as thick as smoke. And because I have anxiety disorder and OCD, my entire day is eating clonazepam and tramadol like candy, googling cancer and watching 40-50 youtube videos of people with stage 4 cancer trying to find a silver lining, something hopeful to hold on to. And it does the opposite. 

They dont know if the cancer metastisized from the colon to the pancreas or visa versa but they think it originated from the colon cos cases of pancreatic metasis to other organs i was told is about as rare as me winning powerball. But I wouldnt be surprised. Regardless, its bad. And when someone tells you 3-8 months, its profoundly disabling in every way possible. My entire being hurts. My soul is crushed. And I feel my life is over. 

But i come here and I read about so many survivors and It makes me feel determined. That whatever is left of me, whatever I have left, I will give it the best I can. Yes im poor, I dont have support like family and friends, and I dont have the best doctors, but I still have a will and desire. And one thing no one, no doctor, nurse, or surgeon can measure is the human will to survive. It can take everything from me. My smile, my joy, my job, my body, my time. But I will have my dignity and my faith. 

Butt's picture
Butt
Posts: 299
Joined: May 2018

 Typing from my mobile........It is my understanding that you have had treatments for axiety and PSTD. It appears that those issues have not been corrected. I would guess a good shrink, psychiatris and some meds can resolve those issues at least to a significant degree. I know it sounds nasty and I am not sure how to put it nicely..... You are a grown adult. Cancer diagnosis is way to hard to swallow for most people and especially those with stage 4. It is very hard to do. It appears to me that your life was not in control to a degree that would be expected from a grown man. Your coping mechanism has been impaire before you got diagnosed. If it were in tact and that is a very subjective statement, coping would have been easier in whatever curve life would throw. It does happen! There was simply a lack of initial skills that  were properly formed and established. Kinda similar to folks who approach a retirement age with only 30k in their retirement savings. Then they panic and don t  know what to do. If I were you I would find speaking opportunities iin some local universities and talk with those college kids about a fact that life can throw some curves. I am not talking about cancer. It is important to have your ducks in a raw so to speak because things happen. I bet you will make a difference in a few kids life and a few will pay attention. That would be significant. You will make a difference in some kids life. PS. I am the first generation immigrant who came to this country with one big suitcase. Butt.

manapart's picture
manapart
Posts: 67
Joined: Feb 2019

not sure there is a shrink, psychiatrist, or pill in existence that can treat or alleviate someone telling you, you have 3 months to live. Im venting, im closing my eyes and just typing my raw feelings. Its how i try to cope. But I apologize and understand if it sounds whiney. Yes, im a grown man. Just turned 40. No reason to cry. I should just be strong, treat this like a bad cold and be a man.... Compassion is hard to find sometimes. Yes I severely lack the coping mechanism to face the prospects that I am dying. And I wish I had half the strength and ability to cope as you. 

manapart's picture
manapart
Posts: 67
Joined: Feb 2019

help me... I wont ask why God. I wont even ask for more time. Just let me be at peace. It just hurts so much. I wont ask why me. I accept your will. But my heart is broken. Im hurting. Spare me the suffering. I pray for no cure. Just your serenity. Just your mercy. There is nothing left of me to destroy.

mojogirl67's picture
mojogirl67
Posts: 247
Joined: Oct 2018

That's what we all have..the moment in front of us. Enjoy those moments. The time you spend worrying when the "last moment" will come does not bring you joy, happiness or peace. Trust me, I have prayed for a crystal ball at times myself. It never comes. What does come is the light of morning every day. Twinzma is right. We are all individual snowflakes that respond differently. You don't have an expiration date stamped on you. From reading your posts, the PTSD you have has combined with initial shock and grief of your diagnosis. I do think medication would help to at least calm you down to a place to process things rationally. So much churning emotionally and mentally can be paralyzing into a cycle or merry-go-round you can't slow down enogh to get off of. My husband suffered with PTSD so I know how out of control  you must feel now. I'm not sure of your support system or situation but anyone you can lean on now would be a huge step. Just to talk to them and get the stuff out of your head. There are so many resources available for free but sometimes it is like solving a riddle to unlock the door to them. I would start with the hospital /facility you are being seen at and ask about social/financial support for this. I don't think  you have an expiration date on you anymore than any of us do but I would use the diagnosis and comments of the physcian you saw and contact your local Hospice office. I'm not suggesting this for the END. I am suggeting this for the wonderful and compassionate sould who work there who may be able to direct and aid you to get the help you need thru such dark waters right now. The could probaby put you in touch with both financial and mental counseling to help you cope. This board is such a special place full of people who are dealing with cancer in some form or another who want to help any way they can. Take it moment by moment and breath by breath. I will be sending prayers for peace and for HOPE to find their way to you.  Huge hug...M

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6179
Joined: Feb 2009

God has mercy for you so don't worry about that.  Although none of us with a Christian faith understand why we are inflicted with cancer and both my mother (age 56) and brother (age 52) died from cancer.  Mine was diagnosed at age 50.  Unfortunately asking God why many times when my mother was diagnosed was a common question.  No one knows why?  I'm hoping that you can get to someone that can help you cope with this diagnosis.  You need someone to help you deal with this and the other issues that you are facing.  Just know that I'm praying for you.  It might be of little help to you, but I'm praying everyday for this board.  You are never too far to reach here to have someone help.

Hugs!  Kim

Canadian Sandy's picture
Canadian Sandy
Posts: 491
Joined: Jul 2016

My heart goes out to you manapart. Sending prayers.....

manapart's picture
manapart
Posts: 67
Joined: Feb 2019

Sandy

Christy76's picture
Christy76
Posts: 27
Joined: Feb 2019

I don't believe we ever die. This is based on a series of strange events I've experienced through out my life. I don't claim to follow any one religion but if you do that's fine and my advice to you then would be to seek out someone of faith from that religion and speak to them about your fear of death. They may be able to help you. I hope you make it and live many years but should the worst happen I do not think you will cease to exist. As far as stage four cancer I know somoene who had stage four cancer and was told they were going to die. They dosed them with chemo so strong the drug itself nearly killed them but today nearly thirty years later they are still alive.

I know I've suggested this before but I'll suggest it again please stop reading and watching videos on people with cancer. It's the equivalent of someone who knows that tomorrow they are going to be shot at watching Platoon. Give your mind a break. I'm from a more nerdy croud but if you like sci/fi and fantasy I can give you a hundred recomendations on good things to watch. Right now you are obsessing and that will only make things harder for you.

You have every right to be afraid and every right to need support right now. Please don't give up and try to find time for regular life as well. Movies, books, video games whatever. You are more than your diagnosis. I wish you the best.

 

Christy

 

Twinzma
Posts: 210
Joined: Jan 2018

I am trying to find the right words to say and I am at lost for them right now. Your story is heartbreaking and I understand why you feel the way you do. I wish that had the magic words to make you feel better, but that needs to come from you. May I suggest you step away from the internet for a little while and stop searching for answers. While it is a wonderful tool, there is so much false information that will drive you utterly insane. 

I am sorry that you don't have the support system that you deserve right now, but know that this random stranger is here for you. I am in your corner praying for you and sending you good vibes. If I were with you at this very moment, I would take you by the hand and give it a gentle squeeze and tell you that you've got this, you have more strength in you than you have ever imagined. I would go on to say that however you chose to fight this I would be behind you. 

(WARNING: My next paragraph I speak of my near death experience. Skip it if you don't want to read about near death)

No one should be faced with this horrible disease, and at only 40 years old you should never be questioning your own mortality. In 2009 I was gravely ill, I was in septic shock from double pneumonia. My organs were shutting down, I was slipping away and it occurred to me this was just a vessel that was failing. That my spirit would go on no matter what. I made a difference in many lives and that memory of me would always be there. I didn't want to die but made peace with it. I went into cardiac arrest, I remember the nurse pulling the code blue button and my bed dropping people surrounding me. Despite the odds, being told I was hours from death and my heart even stopping, here I am. This isn't something I talk about, nor something I care to remember how close I was but for some reason I feel compelled all of a sudden to share. I never saw the light that people say they see at a near death experience. But rather a warmth came of over me, no pain at all and I felt as if someone was hugging me. I would like to think it was my grandmother, I don't know really what it was but there was no denying for me, someone was embracing me. 

You said you lack the coping mechanism, honey that's because we are all like snowflakes, no two of us are alike. We each process things differently we each react to the very same thing so differently. You have been given the impossible and there is no right or wrong way to deal with it. So today scream into your pillow if you must, punch it tear it to shreds if you feel inclined to do so. This evening sip a cup of tea and watch the sunset embrace the beauty of the clouds and the colors. Tomorrow will come for you and maybe it will bring you a little more strength to face this. Come Monday, call a therapist. No they don't have a magic potion to make you feel better about all this mess, but it's in you and they can help you find it. You do sound to me to have a lot of fight left and if anyone can beat the odds you will. However you need to me fit emotionally for it too. Again, I emplore you to get some help. 

Know I am praying for you, not only for you to find good health physically but emotionally too. Hugs! 

Butt's picture
Butt
Posts: 299
Joined: May 2018

If you are a religious man that I understand from your post it may help to talk to your priest and seek his advise. If you can t cope a psychatrist in a local emergency room will enhance your coping mechanism thru prescribing appropriate medications. They are good in that. Why not to post your real picture? Butt.

manapart's picture
manapart
Posts: 67
Joined: Feb 2019

Unfortunately... im agnostic. I wish I wasnt, but I am. 

Phoenix_66's picture
Phoenix_66
Posts: 118
Joined: Jun 2017

Being Agnostic or Christian is a choice. I would love to share the hope I have through my Lord and Savior if you are interested. 

Kazenmax's picture
Kazenmax
Posts: 349
Joined: Feb 2016

Agnostic or Christian, you have no control over the fates. Don’t be afraid. It does nothing for you. Be pro active, be alert, be careful, whatever.... sending you love.

k

Christy76's picture
Christy76
Posts: 27
Joined: Feb 2019

I've been away too for a few days. I'm glad to see you still here Manapart. I was worried about you.

manapart's picture
manapart
Posts: 67
Joined: Feb 2019

waiting has been tough but im hanging in there.

Butt's picture
Butt
Posts: 299
Joined: May 2018

What exactly you are waiting now? Tests results? Treatment plan? Butt.

manapart's picture
manapart
Posts: 67
Joined: Feb 2019

treatment plan

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