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Prostate surgery and relationships

leadsled
Posts: 5
Joined: Oct 2018

Diagnosed in February 2018, with surgery in March. Spent a lot of time looking for info pre-surgery, and then reading everything I could find describing what life would/might be like post-surgery. At 7 months out, my doc says I'm doing great and my physical therapist is my biggest cheerleader. Back at work in 3 weeks, and I'm down to one pair of "designer underwear" a day, 2 at the most. Some work activities seem to aggravate my leakage, other times I have decent control. PSA follow-ups are excellent so far.

My problem is my g/f of 6 years didn't seen to have the patience to wait for better days. I was, as I'd always been, very attentive to her needs, with the exception of penetration since surgery.

I was often turned down, and she didn't seem interested in helping me very often with my recovery, even though I told her what my urologist suggesged was most important to regaining sexual function.She knew my chances for a decent recovery were good. Interesting, considering how high her sex drive was at the age of 71, probably due to the amount of hormones she was taking. My surgery changed everything in the bedroom, even the activities unaffected by my surgery. Last night, I was told she hadn't been happy " for a long time", and we finished our breakup.

My question is what now? I know this isn't a relationship forum, but it seems to me this will be an insurmountable problem with any new relationship. I honestly wonder if the idea that I wore Depends and had to shower each night before bed was a complete turn-off to the g/f. I'm 66, and hate the idea of givng up on sex now.

Thaks for reading this first post of mine. Thought this would be the best place for it.

VascodaGama's picture
VascodaGama
Posts: 3029
Joined: Nov 2010

Leadsled,

Welcome to the board. You are one like many in this forum and with similar issues. Divorce and comfits with our partners are risks not common but exist due to ED problems. Interestingly, our wives know about the risk because they also have to sign the consent agreement with the surgeon before the surgery.

Surely the occurrence is not easy to both of you, in particular when we are close to the 70th. I would recommend you to try visiting a couples counselingtogether with your wife, before doing something drastic.

Incontinence and ED are common side effects from PCa surgery and may become permanent issues. You need to adapt to your newer you and your wife should try to understand it.

 

I hope you manage to overcome this difficult period.

Best,

VGama

SantaZia
Posts: 64
Joined: Apr 2018

Hi Lead, It is hard after a breakup to get your confidence back. However good relationships are all about trust and being able to be yourself.  The functional limitations that you may have  or other health conditions should not prevent you from having some great new relationships.  You don't need to share all your personal health information until you are ready. Good luck out there. 

Georges Calvez
Posts: 295
Joined: Sep 2018

Hi there,

I think that the most important thing is to think positive
First off your PSA results are good, if they continue to be so then congratulations you will have won the first prize in the prostatectomy game, you can forget about prostate cancer and get on with the rest of your life.
Secondly you are heading back to a leak free life, this is number two up.
I felt real relief when I moved onto a very light pad that is there to only catch the occasional drop, everything feels cool and normal down there.
Last up is relationships. Even if you have had a nerve sparing prostatectomy things may take time or you might need help. There is a lot of uncertainty, some men are lucky and some less so.
Relationships are about a lot more than penetrative sex, particularly as you get older.
I think you have to concentrate on these aspects as you start a new relationship, maybe as time goes on it will come good for you, but if it does not then you can focus on other aspects of the relationship.
I am in the situation where I have had both nerves cut and I am on hormone therapy but I still have a libido, I get weak erections from time to time but I cannot orgasm.
This is pretty frustrating for me and my wife but I still feel sexual so there are lots of possibilities apart from penetrative sex.
I feel and hope that part of my sexuality has gone on holiday, when the hormones stop it will partly return.
The most important thing is that I am still here and my wife has a husband that loves and cares for her.

Best wishes,

Georges

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