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Less strength

abita's picture
abita
Posts: 523
Joined: Dec 2017

Have any of you with recurrences felt defeated? I didn't enjoy the first go at chemo, but I felt like I would do it and then be okay. I had my first round for recurrence and just feel so defeated this time. If it weren't for the energy of my kitten, I think I might be sad a  lot.

Trubrit's picture
Trubrit
Posts: 4681
Joined: Jan 2013

but it is a fact of life. 

Allow yourself sadness, but not defeat.  You are allowed to feel dispondent, it is a natural and human feeling, but don't let it take over your life, because regardless of what is happening, you do have a life. 

When I was in the midst of my hellish chemo treatment, I would allow myself 10 minutes of 'woe is me'. Tears, self pity, terror, heartache, whatever the minutes allowed, and then I would STOP. Yes, stop it dead in its tracks, because if I allowed it to continue, it would stop me, dead - literally. 

Try whatever works for you. Music, Kittens, friends, watching telly, meditation. Find YOUR way to heal, emotionally and physically. 

And remember, we're all here for you as well. Cyber love, it helps. 

Tru

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2431
Joined: Sep 2014

I've gone through that several times. It's hard to snap out of it. I recently told my husband that I think my body is trying to kill me because of the stuff that keeps cropping up. When I was trying to recover from the sepsis last year was probably the hardest time. I was so weak and scared I'd never improve beyond where I was. It went on for months with little to no improvement so my thinking wasn't just being negative, it could happen.

My family doctor gave me some tips to improve my mood and to help steer my thinking away from the negative. It did help me so I'll share it with you. 1) Look for a total stranger or a neighbour or someone like that and sincerely wish them a good life. Really focus on it. Do it every day. 2) When the negative thoughts start, take five deep breaths. Nice and slow. It makes you focus on the breathing. 3) Every day find some little thing that brings you joy or that you think is beautiful. A flower in the garden, a butterfly, the frost on a tree, etc. 4) and 5), shoot, I can't remember them! Sorry!  

Yes, it's easy to feel defeated. Having a setback will certainly do that to you. Like everyone says, it's a roller coaster ride. What you're feeling is completely normal and we've all been there. You'll get past it but when you're in the middle of it, its difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Take care, sending you hugs,

Jan

Joan M's picture
Joan M
Posts: 338
Joined: Oct 2016

It's really frustrating to fight against cancer and think your winning the battle and then face setbacks.  I love life and am not one who will give up easily.  With that said, the last round of chemo made me really sick.   I am hoping and praying for some better medicines to come along that will allow us all to fight cancer and maintain our strength and health. 

And the fatigue is sometimes worse than the nausea.   I pray for more energy throughout the days to enjoy the time I have left.  

Good luck to you and  keep up the fight.  I believe it is worth it even if some days are really bad.  Those good days and moments really bring joy to my heart. 

God Bless!

Joan 

 

 

 

BRHMichigan's picture
BRHMichigan
Posts: 368
Joined: Jul 2017

Abita, I've been feeling like pretty down for the last month. And my health suffered for it. Just when you think it can't get worse, sometimes it does. I had a bout with extremely high blood pressure this week. So another Rx added to the mix. 

I am going to try harder to consciously MAKE every day I feel somewhat decent - a 'good' day. Today that means taking a walk outside and possibly making my bed. That's all I'll probably accomplish. But it's enough for today. 

I'm so glad you have your kitties around for comfort. This disease can get pretty isolating, no matter how many people surround you.

optimist777
Posts: 38
Joined: Feb 2018

I will never forget how torturous my first year of chemo was it.  It was beyond words, and left me in such incredibly bad state, on so many levels.  But, I had thought, as an optimist, that I was now cured and at least I would never have to go through it again.  Well, about a year later the cancer did come back and the sadness and frustration I felt brought me to a very sad place.  I had assumed that the regimen they would put me on would be similar to the one I had been on the first year-- and I truly didn't believe I could do it again.  It was a rough moment for me.  However, I got a new oncologist and he put me on some new drugs, and to my surprise I somehow managed to get through it, again, one day at a time.  I think, we are all much stronger then we sometimes think we are when forced into very difficult circumstances.  You are very wise to have kittens, I personally had a dog and cat-- and they helped to give me some laughs even when I was so sick and miserable.  My best advice is just to take it one day at a time, and remember that you might just get better, if you just hang in there.  Better treatments are on the horizon.  I personally have been battling stage4 for over 10 years now, so it is possible, with the right attitude.  As others stated, sadness is normal, it would almost be crazy not to be sad for those dealing with disease, that is normal.  Best wishes to you.    

abita's picture
abita
Posts: 523
Joined: Dec 2017

Thank you all. I see that the spectrum of emotions I am feeling is what y'all have felt.It is so hard emotionally this time. Thank you for the supoort and kind words. 10 years is something I pray for along with my prayers that there is some miracle, and that this round of chemo will somehow remove all the cancer, and I can live a long full life.

plsletitrain
Posts: 253
Joined: Jul 2017

Like you, I have to stay in the hospital for 3 days to wait for the 5-FU to be consumed as I don't have a port and have the chemo injected on my veins.  I still have 3 more cycles to go but being in the hospital makes me feel crazy, I don't have anything to do and I feel like I'm being sucked into nothingness.  No will to live, feeling low and down--I know I'm due for antidepressants but I don't want to as much as possible.  I found it hard to snap back.  You're not alone.  Let's do this.  

abita's picture
abita
Posts: 523
Joined: Dec 2017

Oh my gosh. Inpatient every time? Yikes. I only had to do it the first time to have the desensitization process. I am so sorry. That is awful. I hate staying in the hospital. I am trying to stay positive.  It is so hard though. 

plsletitrain
Posts: 253
Joined: Jul 2017

Makes me want to curse.  lol.  And since I'm immobile, when I want to surf the net to at least give me a good mood, I can't because I don't have an 'effin hand because of the IV.  All I do is wait and watch for that chemo drip that drops so slow.  All of that thought of where is this all leading to, will I beat cancer or will it come back, not to mention having to think of where to get money to finance my chemo, all of this is more than the physical effects, mental torture.  Its hard.  The sight of everyone in the cancer center also makes me feel down.  Sometimes I don't want to continue further because I just want to be back to the outside world and do my stuff rather than wait for 3 days feeling sick and useless.  Yeah, I know I'm manifesting signs of depression but I guess we have the right to feel that way.  What's important is we try our hardest to snap out of it.  We can do this!

Beachlace's picture
Beachlace
Posts: 37
Joined: May 2013

Fighting cancer makes everyone despondent at some point I think.  During the worst of it, I asked everyone to send me their funniest movies and tv shows.   I watched something funny (a lot of the Big Bang Theory) every day, sometimes with the kids, sometimes by myself.  Laughing, when I could, was a great stress reliever and helped me to think of something else.  

My mother passed away in Jan 2018 after a year long battle with lung cancer and COPD.  The family gathered around her to take a Christmas picture.  She was laying on the couch by then.  I looked down and she had her middle finger up for the picture.  I said "Mom!".  She said "F*** cancer"  We all cracked up and all put our middle fingers up for the picture.  Belly laugh.  

Prayers for a big belly laugh coming your way.  

 

Kelley

Ruthmomto4's picture
Ruthmomto4
Posts: 574
Joined: May 2013

I hope in time you get some really goid news to lift your spirits and help

push through it.

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