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sondrahays's picture
sondrahays
Posts: 23
Joined: Aug 2017

I have read plenty of blogs to know, I am not alone when it comes to agressive/negative/angry behaviors that come from the cancer patient after treatment. I just didn't think it would be as many as I have read. Nor would I think a year and half through this, I would be blogging and crying over finding myself in a relationship that has taken it's toll on me, mentally and physically. My husband was diagnoised in June of 2017(small cell lung cancer) the worst kind possible. when we were given the grim news, chances for a long survial were slim. One doctor advised we had 12-18 months. and the chance of us getting a remission were slim. fast forward to a year and half and even though we had one small spot return in the adreinal gland, we have been able to be almost cancer free since October of 2017. he is going to be rescanned 8/24. I know he is worried, I know he is scared. I am trying to remain positive. Now to why I am blogging to begin with. his personality has changed so much, the slighest thing annoys him, he gets agressive over little things. his famous line to me " it is because NO one is playing by the rules" everything and everyone has a way of pissing him off(excuse the language) he tells me he constently thinks about dooms day, and that he could tank really fast should his cancer return. and that I just don't understand. he has pushed me away, there is no affection in this relationship. and I know there are days where maybe that is hard for him. but a hug or a kiss, or a thank you for all that I have tried to provide him. from doctor appointments, to insurance, to bills, to making sure he got to see his family in Montana and his best friend in Austin while he could this summer. I feel left out, abandoned I guess. and then my mind takes over and tells me I am being selfish. I am bitter to some degree. he never once asked me if I wanted to go he would say I know you need to save your time in case I get sick. what about the time we could have been spending while he was well? I have FMLA and I could have used vacation. but I feel I am never once thought about. unless he needs an appointment or somethig he says he can't handle because it stresses him out. he has become very emotionally draining/abusive how ever to say it. I am walking on egg shells. he has a way of turning this around an making me feel guilty. he has family here, his daughter is a nurse. I am tempted to tell him we need a break- I need a break. I feel his sister/daughter can step up and in for a bit. I have asked him for counseling and he rejects it. I talk and try to express how I feel and he turns it to him. I don't want to feel guilt. but I don't want to feel this depressed and negative either. this is not who I am. any insite is much appreciated.

 

 

AnnaLeigh's picture
AnnaLeigh
Posts: 185
Joined: Jan 2010

 Sorry guys - there is a huge technical difficulty with my post - I am requesting help from IT.

Beckster061160
Posts: 9
Joined: May 2018

So sorry you are experiencing all this.  I have been in the same place you are.  Don't feel bad taking time for you.  It's easy to get beaten down and feel like we have to keep going for them.  Remember you are important too.  I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

sondrahays's picture
sondrahays
Posts: 23
Joined: Aug 2017

Hi

thank you for the kind words and thoughts. we found out his cancer has returned. and possibly metasizing also. it has been very hard.

Catholic's picture
Catholic
Posts: 86
Joined: May 2016

I have personally been down this path.  It is difficult and you sound like you need a break.  There are many
times I feel like I am walking on egg shells and any tiny thing that I do leads to an explosion of anger from my
wife.  You list the solutions and you have to start taking the advice you list above:

1. Take a break.  Even if its a small one.  Take yourself out to lunch tomorrow.  Just go and get a good lunch somewhere
and sit and enjoy it for an hour.  Find more times like that where you get out of the house.

2. Talk to the "sister/daughter" and other family members and get them to help.  I tried for years to get my wife's sister
to help and she never did.  At the very least, try to get other family members to help.  Some might; some will not.

3. Think about a vacation; even a 3-day vacation or something small.

Last but not least, what has kept me sane is get a good nights sleep (which sounds really stupid but if I dont sleep
well that night my wife can really get on my nerves the next day) and exercise.  Take walks.

Venting on this forum is healthy as well.  Post anything.  You have to take care of yourself or as the caregiver, your
going to get more stressed out and/or burned out.  There are times when I have not taken my own advice and find
myself totally bent out of shape over some small issue and I have to stop, take a breath, and start taking my own
advice.  Its not easy. 

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