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Fear

Ruthmomto4's picture
Ruthmomto4
Posts: 640
Joined: May 2013

horrible dreadful fear. That’s all I have felt since finding out about my husband’s bile duct tumors. Fear for him, for me being without him, and my kids. How do you keep going without that? Does anyone have any words of wisdom to snap me out of this? Has anything helped you? This for me seems like the first time we have run out of options, and that his end game is close. I can’t seem to find anything to give me hope. How the heck do you carry on through this? My autistic son is my biggest joy but also like having a forever 4 year old in a adult linebacker sized body.  My other children can help to a point but I NEVER want them to lose sight of their hopes and dreams to help me. my husband’s family is not in the picture and all I have close is my mom, who is physically not too capable of helping. I am at a loss, and obviously since it’s 1am my time I am not sleeping well either.

plsletitrain
Posts: 253
Joined: Jul 2017

I've also had lingering thoughts on what will happen to my kids when I'm gone.  They're my biggest concern.  What I do is, I don't think about it.  I don't think about it, I ignore it, I think of something else, I do other stuff.  I just don't think about it because it easily makes me cry.  

optimist777
Posts: 38
Joined: Feb 2018

This might be easier for the patient, then the spouse or family members, but I completely agree the most healthy thing you can do is just try to forget that you have this disease.  You want to focus as much as possible on healthy living, and almost try to pretend that nothing is wrong.  Of course sometimes you have to face reality, and go to chemo appointments, etc., but once you leave do your best to forget what your dealing with.  At least that was what I do. 

I do not want to recommend this to anyone, but I have gone as far as not going to any doctor appointments, getting any CT scans, enrolling in any trials or nothing for almost the last 6 months.  I just tell myself, I'm fine, and well, so far despite a lot of pain all over, I have to admit I'm hanging in there, as through today.  I've had all the 1st and 2nd line chemotherapies, plus surgeries and radiation, so I'm in a bit of a different situation then others, but I'm just enjoying every day for what it is right now, and I honestly am happier then I have been years. 

airborne72's picture
airborne72
Posts: 278
Joined: Sep 2012

Ruth:

Fear can become paralyzing.  I have found that doing something, anything, reduces my level of fear.  Obviously, if I do something productive and directed towards mitigating the issue that is causing my fear then that is even more beneficial.

When I was diagnosed with rectal cancer I processed through the stages of grief, remaining in some longer than others and often reverting back to previous stages.  The best "fear containing" action that I took was getting my personal affairs in order. 

During the 18 months prior to my diagnosis both my mother and mother-in-law passed.  I was the executor for my mother-in-law's estate and I provided my older brother (the executor for our mother's estate) counsel and advice while he completed his similar duties.  I learned a great deal in the process - especially the importance of having personal affairs in order.  So not too long after diagnosis with CRC, I focused on my personal affairs.  It is the greatest deed a person can do for his/her survivors.

In the process of getting everything in order (identification of important documents; colocating all of those documents in a secure and accessible location; compiling a list of account numbers, policy numbers, phone numbers and passwords; and I even created a "to-do list" that was segmented into the categories of immediate, 30 days, six months and then long term) I realized that my fear of the future had subsided.

Doing this was not admitting defeat to cancer; instead, it was one way that I could establish some control over what appeared to be an out-of-control situation.  Granted, there were times when the task appeared to be morbid but when it was completed I felt better and so did my wife. 

One more of Jim's Lessons Learned, during my numerous trips to the bathroom through the night or when I wake up and can't return to sleep, I have always felt fearful and defeated if I am processing serious thoughts.  The saying that it is always darkest just before dawn is applicable.  As soon as the sun rises and another day is presented to me, I am able to process the very same thoughts without the fear.  Consequently, I don't dwell on those types of issues during that time of the night.  Easier said than done, but it works for me.

You have hundreds of people on this forum who care for you.  Hopefully that will give you just a little bit of encouragement.

Jim

SandiaBuddy's picture
SandiaBuddy
Posts: 955
Joined: Apr 2017

It may be somewhat counterintuitive, since we naturally seem to want to escape what we fear, but sometimes setting aside time and thinking through all of the issues you fear, picturing the situations you fear, can be a helpful way to process it.  (If you run from it, it chases after you.  If you sit down and face it, it has nowhere to go and loses its power).

KM2Illinois
Posts: 11
Joined: May 2018

hmmm.... I think your advice might help me.

Thanks!

Twinzma
Posts: 220
Joined: Jan 2018

Oh Ruth I am so so sorry that you are sad right now. This journey is hell on Earth and though we both have husbands with CRC, I can't even think of any words that really would give you comfort right now. There are none. Somehow we have to muster up the strength and put on the "act"....pretend that everything is just fine when it isn't. I do it for my kids and it's so hard. To a certain extent I embrace his cancer, after 20 years of marriage I was begining to take him for granted. I just wish that our wake up call wasn't FLIPPING stage 4 cancer. Secretly there are days I want to wring his neck for not having got a life insurance policy. There are days that I rage inside that he didn't go to the doctor sooner. There are days that I don't get off the sofa. Then there are times we are together doing something with our kids and for a breif moment I forget that he is sick. Those are the moments I cherish and hold onto and somehow someway you have to too. 

Know if I were with you I'd be giving you a great big hug and a shoulder to cry on...that is all I have to offer. Hugs Ruth Great big hugs your way!

BRHMichigan's picture
BRHMichigan
Posts: 368
Joined: Jul 2017

Everyone has given you such great advice. Please know I'm praying for your husband, and for your strength. Do whatever it takes to sleep at night. Your rest is so important. Lack of sleep affects everything negatively. We all know how strong you can be. I wish we could all help you physically. 

Despair has sucked me in so many times. I refuse to go there anymore. Stay hopeful. Try to find peace somewhere in this awful, messy disease.

Cindy225's picture
Cindy225
Posts: 172
Joined: Feb 2017

Ruth  - Keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers. If you haven't already it might be helpful to connect with a social worker at your hospital to talk more about what you are personally going through.  A social worker reached out to my husband and I early on and it was helpful when we were so fearful of what the future held.

Cindy  

     

Annabelle41415's picture
Annabelle41415
Posts: 6304
Joined: Feb 2009

I'm sorry that I'm not able to help you with the point where your husband is at.  I'm just able to let you know that you, hubby and family are in my prayers. 

Kim

JanJan63's picture
JanJan63
Posts: 2482
Joined: Sep 2014

I don't know what to say. Sending you hugs.

Jan

darcher's picture
darcher
Posts: 257
Joined: Jun 2017

It draws the enjoyment, life, and happiness out of a person.  I can't say what the best thing to do is since that is always different for each of us.  But, something that can distract you from what your dealing with, even temporarily can be a beneft.  

 

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