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Feel as I am stopping hims

Xenia princess ...
Posts: 8
Joined: Apr 2018

Good afternoon, this is my first  time writing. I am my husbands caregiver,he has colon cancer which has metisized to his lungs and liver, doctor said he will be on chemo for the rest of his life. He retired last year at 64 yrs old, he has always been a busy person so this has taken a toll on him going to chemo every other week. We have been married for 37 years, he was married before no children, we have 3 children. Here's my issue one day I was out he was down so he went on facebook checking it out and up came his ex wife so he sent her a message., they were in contact with each other thru his gmail account which I did not know. She wanted to meet with him, so he finally told me, I thought I was ok with it until his phone rang I picked up & I saw he had sent her a music video my man-Trace. Atkins it upset me deeply, he knew I was upset I asked to see her message he said he delected them but there were new pictures of her. To say the least we argued he did not understand why I am upset, he did not see her he told her I was upset about it she said her husband was ok with it?? Really...well she sent him a wool hat said she had something for me but did not send it, no surprise there. She then sent me a card asking me women to women to understand that I need to keep her in the loop, which I did not reply. My husband told her that he was not going to message any more because of me so 3 months went by & I found out he message her again up dating her on his last treatment I was angry first he lied he said that if she or him contacted each other he would tell me well he did not, finally he showed me her reply on his message and then he said her to tell her he would not message anymore as I was upset as he lied she replied saying she was pissed no he needed to man up and stand up to me so they could continue messaging and it's a Shem he has to hide his messages/lie.

i just do not understand why he needs to be in contact with her as she cheated on him more than once and hurt him, he said it was curisoty but it Lead to more. She said in a message that she was sorry for hurting him and she still loved him. She is married has 2 grown kids &  is about to retire. 

Please be honest with me am I being selfish for not letting him see her? Every time I go out and come home I don't trust him, I need to get over this. I know cancer changes people-angry, depression we are not physical any more not even holding hands he says his body aches 

please help me I am at wits end

Catholic's picture
Catholic
Posts: 86
Joined: May 2016

A lot of what you wrote I understand completely.  You say "I am my husband's caregiver".  I am my wife's caregiver.  You
say "cancer changes people" and "we are not physical".  Trust me when I say I completely understand.

Here is the part I want to focus on.  You say "I am at my wits end".  I have been at my wits end as well.  Being a caregiver
is not the job I was seeking but it somehow fell on me.  Your happiness and your well-being is important in this world.  You
can't change your spouse at all; I found myself at my wits end trying to get my wife to recognize very basic bad behavior.  I
stopped thinking about, stopped worrying, stopped suggesting ways to get her to change her lifestyle.  And when I did that, I
stopped getting pushed to my wits end. When my wife wants my help, I'll be here.  I think in many ways your in a similar (but
different) boat. Your husband is exhibiting bad behavior and you have to really take care of yourself here. Give yourself credit
for being the caregiver and take a vacation, take walks, eat healthy, and take care of yourself. 

 

Xenia princess ...
Posts: 8
Joined: Apr 2018

Thank you for your kind words, I hope you are having some good days as well.

a_oaklee
Posts: 463
Joined: Nov 2013

Hi Zenia.  I feel so sorry that you are going through this.  You do not deserve to be treated this way by your husband, and all the emotions you are feeling are totally valid.  Personally, if I found out my husband lied, I would be upset too.  Of course it makes you not trust him and be miserable.

It sounds like he initially tried to be forthright, and that his communication with her started out innocent enough.  I have always felt married people need to be aware of temptation and steer clear of it.  I'm going to assume your husband is not feeling well and thinking about the losses he has faced as a man.  This little flirtation probably made him feel good.  However, he needs to put you first, and do what it takes to respect you.  You are the mother of his children.

Possible ideas:  He can give you his passwords.  He can block her from contacting him.  Another idea is to include you in any texts or emails. Include her husband too. That is the only way I would move forward.  But you have to decide for yourself what you can live with.  If this is pure and simple friendship then they have nothing to hide and dont need privacy, or to lie.  Get it out in the open.  

Perhaps your oncology unit has counselors who can talk to you as a couple.  Caregivers have a very tough road, and your husband needs to be made aware of how much pain he is causing you.

I think you must be very strong.  You have a long marriage and you are hanging in there.  Please get some help and take care of yourself too.

Xenia princess ...
Posts: 8
Joined: Apr 2018

Thank you for you words & thoughts, I am trying to take day by day, some harder than others. Hopefully I can move on & not let her in my thoughts so we can enjoy each other. 

You have a good day

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