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Just random thoughts

Cinnamongirl's picture
Posts: 199
Joined: Jan 2018

So my ablation is scheduled for a week from today and I can't help but feel my anxiety growing. I am not fearful however I am nervous.

Of course I have asked all the questions and weighed all the odds but yet the feelings still arise. During the last month I have had my first set of post op scans, a mammogram, my annual pap and all have come back clear with exception to "the spot" that has been there all along.

I haven't posted in a bit but have been thinking of you all a lot. I have started on a very low dose anxiety med at bedtime...which seems to be when the " I'm doomed" thoughts kick in. 

So here I am waiting for you all to tell me to put my big girl britches on and suck it up. .lol

I hope you all are well and happy!


donna_lee's picture
Posts: 999
Joined: Feb 2009

is being sent your way.  So let the show begin. :)

The tests you've had recently sound like what I had from Sept-Jan, minus the Pap.  But add a brain MRI, extra CT's, endoscopy, and teeth cleaning.  Life....it comes in batches and can wear you down.

Now, Put on your big girl panties and kick B*tt.



Posts: 80
Joined: Jan 2018

You're not  doomed. At all. Cliche as hell, but take one day at a time and enjoy it. Really. It's all you can do. No matter what prognosis any of us have, there is no guarantee for anyone in life. Positive thoughts, even if you have to fight like hell to get them, go a long way in healing the body and the mind. Some simple YouTube searches for "guided meditation healing" can do wonders for the overall mindset. 

ImNotDeadYet's picture
Posts: 244
Joined: Apr 2017

Lying in bed at night is usually when those thoughts hit me - and sometimes consume.me. I was having trouble falling asleep, because my mind was just spinning in multiple directions at once. I started taking 5mg of Melatonin about an hour before I want to crash, and it's really helped a lot. Aside from the weird, vivid dreams, it's been a godsend. I hope you find relief one way or another.

todd121's picture
Posts: 1449
Joined: Dec 2012

For 2-3 years after my cancer diagnosis, I fell asleep listening to Gerald White's guided meditation for healing. Gerald White had RCC (a huge tumor) and had successful IL2 that gave him decades of recovery. The guided meditation is so good. I can't recommend it enough. Google MAARS, I think it's called Mind Activated Antigen Recognition System and Gerald White. I think a copy comes with his book if you order his book. I put the CD onto my iPhone and fell asleep to it nightly for the first 3-4 years.

I still use a small dose of Ativan occasionally at bed time. You build up a tolerance to some of those drugs, so just use them wisely. Not sure which one they gave you. I found Ativan worked the best for me. I take either 0.5mg or 1mg (if the 0.5mg doesn't work I take another 30 minutes later). I tried Xanax (not sure the spelling), but it made me feel really groggy in the morning.

I'm not going to tell you to suck it up. I will tell you it's going to be fine. You're doing a great job taking care of yourself. Keep it up.


Bay Area Guy's picture
Bay Area Guy
Posts: 495
Joined: Jun 2016

We all went through that before our operations or, in your case, the ablation.  It's human nature.  I've had two other operations in my life, both serious abdominal ones that were totally unrelated to kidney cancer.  But both were emergencies as my intestines had done some wierd twists and turns and blocked themselves off, so I was in incredible pain before both oeprations and pretty well zoned out on pain meds while in the ER.  All that is meant to tell you that I didn't have time to worry about those two operations.  For the kidney one, my original diagnosis was in December, 2013, but it wasn't until April, 2016 that imaging tests showed that the little bugger had grown from an initial 1.5cm to an estimated 1.8cm.  And from then, it wasn't until June, 2016 that the surgeon had an open slot.  So, for the first time in my life, I was looking at two months before an operation and I can tell you, I was nervous about it.  In my case, I knew it had to be done, but what I was scared most about wasn't the outcome.  The surgeon told me the lesion was in a really accessible spot and that it would be a relatively straight forward operation.  No, what had me panicked was the damn Foley catheter.  That torture device had to be invented either by a sadist or by a woman, because no sane man would invent something like that; something that could one day be used on him.  LOL.  That's honestly what i was freaked out about.

In your case, the ablation is a lot more of a straightforward procedure, at least as I understand it.  When my mother-in-law was seriously ill with an autoimmune disease, she had to have a kidney biopsy.  She was a 90 year old Asian woman that spoke limited English.  She had nine kids, all of whom were at the hospital when this test had to be done, and she needed someone with her.  They asked her who she wanted, and she pointed at me.  So I got to accompany her to the biopsy room and saw the entire procedure while I held her hand.  With the local anesthtetic, she didn't feel anything at all.  The only time she squeezed my hand harder was when she heard the doctor actually take the biopsy, but there was no pain.  Your procedure will take a little longer, as I think they do a couple of passes at either freezing or cooking the tumor, but there should be little to no pain while they do it.  You might want to ask the intrventional radiologist if you could get a little bit stronger anti-anxiety med for that day, particularly during the proceure.

And just so you know, I take a low dose of Xanax before I fly.  I have also taken it prior to my CT scans as, even though the CT scans are pretty well open (at least as compared to an MRI), I still get a little claustrophobic when I'm getting the scan.  So, like Todd, I won't tell you to such it up.  I'll tell you you're normal and that in eight days, you're going to be "normaller" because your tumor will be gone and you'll be on the road to recovery.

Cinnamongirl's picture
Posts: 199
Joined: Jan 2018

Thank you all. 

Donna I shouldn't complain.. I mean look at all you've been through and yet you are always so encouraging.

Brock,  I am working on remaining positive most days I am but sometimes the dark creeps in.

ImNotDeadYet, I get the same response from melatonin...crazy very vivd dreams..lol

Todd, my doc prescribed klonipin (sp?) 0.5mg . Same thing take one at night as needed or if I'm having a real crappy day one in the afternoon and then one before bed.  I will look into the MAARS. As always thanks for your advice you are always so helpful to me.

Bay Area Guy,  I will be sedatated during the procedure but have been advised to take my anxiety meds before I go. When I see some of the journeys you all have been through I always think why am I complaining. I think it's maybe because my last tumor was so big 13.3cm and then to hear I have this spot in my remaining kidney. Sends my mind spiraling about what's next .

Anyways time for work. Thanks again to all of you. You are all my saving grace.

Love to you all Cin

foxhd's picture
Posts: 3183
Joined: Oct 2011

like you would for any spontaneous escapade. Since you have to go through this anyway, make it like a cruise or going to a national museum. I know it is not fun but in 6 months time you want to look back and be proud of how you handled it all. Others will ask for your wisdom when they encounter the same issues that you do now. Karma Cin.

Cinnamongirl's picture
Posts: 199
Joined: Jan 2018

Thanks Fox. You are always so insightful! It's good to hear from you. Everytime you respond to me it always makes me feel like. . I got this!

Thanks for always being there!

Big hugs Cin

marosa's picture
Posts: 333
Joined: Feb 2015

Wishing all goes well and uneventfully

AnnissaP's picture
Posts: 632
Joined: Sep 2017

As each step is taken the anxiety slowly fades. The wait is the worst but it will all be behind you soon. You will be onto healing and will have more answers!!

hardo718's picture
Posts: 853
Joined: Jan 2016

Soon it'll be like waking from a bad dream and it'll be behind you.  For the most part.  Like any nightmare, it'll haunt you from time to time but that's the easy part, kinda sorta.  Praying for you,

God Bless,


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