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It’s all in my head.

Datura
Posts: 4
Joined: Nov 2017

My beautiful wife, best friend, and soulmate of 43 years died from cancer on October 19th. I’m sure you’re all too familiar with the nearly unendurable sorrow and loss I’m feeling. In rare moments of sanity I realize that the pain … it’s all IN MY HEAD. I don’t have any broken bones, no organ failures, the bank isn’t foreclosing on my house, I’m living a nearly perfect life in a nearly perfect location. All this weeping isn’t going to bring her back, it doesn’t prove that I loved her, it doesn’t do anybody any good. I’m 100% certain she wouldn not want me to feel this crippling sadness. Am I out-of-line or heartless to want it all to stop ?! What I’m wondering  … is it necessary to be held down and held captive by thoughts in my brain ? Are there techniques available so I could learn to alter what’s going on between my ears. To transform and redirect this grief into something more positive ? No doubt there are drugs that could alter my outlook, but I’m not ready for that. Yet. I’d appreciate any advice or enlightenment anyone has to offer. 

JosephK
Posts: 65
Joined: Jun 2017

Grief Group, it helps to be around others who know and can identify with what you are going through. It may seem crazy but believe me when they say "I am sorry for your loss" they really mean it and they will listen to you, each and every word. It helped me immensley. Mine passed in May and I'm still feeling the pain but group has helped me.

WatchaGonnaDo's picture
WatchaGonnaDo
Posts: 8
Joined: Sep 2017

Dear Datura, 

I'vet been thinking about you. I've been thinking about how to reply to your post. All I can say is if you want to be happy, be happy. If you want to be sad, be sad. It may be presumptuous of me, but it seems like you're feeling guilty for not being as sad as you think others expect you to be. Life is precious, as we all here know too well. Grief is a personal journey and the only thing I know for sure is you have to follow your gut. 

It reminds me of a beach day I experienced about a month before my husband was diagnosed. At the Atlantic Ocean, with heavy waves, I flopped around in the ocean waves, letting them carry me around without resisting. I knew the ocean was powerful enough to drown me, but I surrendered to the waves and felt an incredible sense of peace and contentment. I think about that day often since my husband passed. It's how I'm experiencing my grief over his loss. It just feels right to go with the flow. I couldn't care less what others think of my grief experience. I just feel what I feel, good or bad, and let the grief flop me around like the ocean. I can't imagine there's any other way to do this.

So yes, it is okay to be happy, in my humble opinion. 

Take  care and enjoy your life! We know all too well how quickly it can end. 

Datura
Posts: 4
Joined: Nov 2017

Still here, and it's still all in my head. 20 days ago when I submitted the post I was silly enough to imagine that I could out-run and out-smart this greif with some simple mental excersises. So far, that hasn't been the case. There's been no "magic bullet" (bad choice of words? : ), but I'm learning-the-ropes. I'm learning what "triggers" to avoid. I'm learning to experience my sorrow in manageable doses instead of all at once. I'm learning about effecive distractions and "band-aids". Hiking works well. Writing works well. Alcohol works well (in moderation). Joseph ... I do talk and write to people about my feelings, but I've resisted formal counseling. I've never felt comfortable in group settings. I'm pleased to hear that you find it bebeficial. Whatever works, right ?!  WatchaGonnaDo ... I DO want to be happy and at this point I no longer care at all what others expect of me. I'd take guilt over sorrow ANY day. Going-with-the-flow seems frightening. It seems rather open ended for a person like me who has always been goal oriented. Guess I need to learn some new tricks. 

I've come across a book that some might find helpful ... THE OTHER SIDE OF SADNESS by George Bonanno. Also .... I was sent a poem that really says it all:

I had my own notion of grief.

I thought it was the sad time 

That followed the death of

Someone you love.

And you had to push through it

To get to the other side.

But I am learning there is no other side.

There is no pushing through.

But rather,

There is Absorption.

Adjustment.

Acceptance.

And grief is not something you complete,

But rather, you endure.

Grief is not a task to finish 

And move on,

But an element of yourself -

An alteration of your being.

A new way of seeing.

A new definition of self.

 

 

HopeButterfly's picture
HopeButterfly
Posts: 5
Joined: Feb 2018

The poem is so true.  You will never stop missing that person.  You just absorb and keep them in your heart.  I am currently grieving the loss of my dad and it is very hard.  

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