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Cancer has made me distant

Portagee Mike
Posts: 1
Joined: Jul 2017

I have had melanoma since 2013. I have gone through every stage I am at stage 4 now. Lung mets that have been cleared up from immunotherapy but I just had a 17 cm tumor removed with a foot and a half of small bowel. Right now I have no detectable malanoma  you learn that it's short lived. I've had 3 major surgeries, radiation, yervoy, opdivo and a mix of the two. I'm on the new mixture of both but it still sucks, me and yervoy do not get along very well. I'm having issues with the way I feel towards my wife and 16 yr old daughter. I have worked all the way through this to provide for my family even when so sick I would throw up a few times on the way to work daily. While recovering this last 6 weeks at home I've realized that there both lazy! My wife has not worked in 13 years and I've begged her to get a job to take the financial pressure off of me. My daughter is just a pain in my *** more worried about her feelings than if dad is going to live long enough too see her graduate. I have swallowed my feelings since I've been diagnosed but I can't anymore. I'm ready to walk away from the both of them and live the rest of my time for me!! I'm sick of taking care of them I want to be taken care of that's all I've done in 19 yrs of marriage. I've always put my family first now I want to be selfish. I'm 42 years old just had a crappy birthday no cake no gift from my wife or kid. I even cooked my own b-day dinner and at dinner my kid finally realized it's my b-day. The both of them are upset with me because I have shut off emotionally to both of them. Wife and kid don't leave there rooms I occupy the living room. I can't stand even talking to them I have so much resentment and anger at the both of them. I finally popped and there both surprised I feel this way?? All I ask is for my wife too contribute to the family and my daughter too help with simple household tasks with keeping her grades up. It would reduce the stress of me working my butt off while I hurt. I have major nerve damage from 62 lymph nodes removed and hurt constantly. I don't complain no one listens anyway so why say a word. I am living a life that makes zero sense to me why fight this disease if the rest of my days will be miserable? When I did complain about treatment kicking my butt the wife's responses is well stop treatment then. I think to myself I don't have the flu I have terminal cancer? It makes me feel like hurry up and die so I can move on. I'm not sure why I've posted this I guess I feel alone in this and fed up. I have forgotten how to live I feel like I'm just waiting for the end. I'm living to support a family that is not giving me any reason to fight on for. I was hoping this would make me feel better but now I just realize I sound like a selfish complaing person. I can deal with physical pain, I can deal with treatment, I can't deal with the way I feel. If someone takes the time to read all of this thank you! You just might care more than my own family. 

Moped7946's picture
Posts: 40
Joined: May 2016

I am very sorry you are having to deal with all of this. You are in a predicament for sure! Please take care of yourself!!

lindary's picture
Posts: 688
Joined: Mar 2015

I am so sorry for your situation. My husband had retired about a year before I was told I had cancer. Our kids are adults but live nearby. I have been the one who took care of things, cooked, cleaned, etc. When I was diagnosed and learned what the treatmeant plan was I also had to learn how to focus on me and put me first. I wasn't too successful at it but there were just some things I enjoyed and weren't willing to let go of. 

That said, I just hope you can find 1 or 2 things that make you happy. Then focus on those as much as you can. I have no idea what your future holds as far as your health goes but you deserve some happiness. Even if it is only a few minutes whatching a sunset. Take advantage of the small pleasures when you can.

Prayers for you. 


Posts: 137
Joined: Jul 2017

So sorry you are going through this at the prime of your life, and glad you found this website to voice your frustration.  Hey, my family overlooking my birthday would have upset me too.  You said they were surprised at what you said when you "popped."  Maybe this will open the lines of communication, so that everyone can teach each other what they need and expect.  God bless.

JMC100's picture
Posts: 2
Joined: Jul 2016

i feel for you so much.  don't quit!

Posts: 2
Joined: Nov 2017

Hi mike,

i just read your message being new to the group/website. I was recently diagnosed with CLL. The last two months since diagnosis have been rough for me mentally. Waiting for ct scans, bone marrow biopsy to be scheduled more blood work, etc.i could only imagine  what your going through and am truly sorry. We are all here for a purpose and it’s out of our hands when God wants us. I’m trying not to be angry as I thought why me I’ve always helped everyone, worked my tail off to bring in good money for my family. I have to keep trying and do what my doctor says and stay positive so my treatment have a chance to work. I try not to complain because as you said who will listen. this cancer is happening to me. My husband and son don’t have a clue what I’m going through mentally And I’ve decided I’m not going to burden them with my feelings but instead talk to others with cancer because they can relate. Take care Mike I hope your doing alright. Cheryl 

Posts: 26
Joined: Mar 2018

Damn, Man.  That is harsh.  You have EVERY right to feel the way you do.  Not selfish or whiny at all.  Are you able to get away to a nice hotel for a week or weekend and just indulge yourself in some room service and R&R?  Perhaps your abscence will open up their hearts and minds to the toll they have inflicted on you.  Do you have any friends that you can confide in...or even go to their friends.  Are you playing a martyr to the point maybe they just don't recognize the pain you're in because you're trying to take on too much, being strong?  I feel badly for you.  HOWEVER, you need to carve out time for some happiness, no matter how small.  I, myself, am stage IV MBC.  I have my good hopeful days...then days I just stay on the couch all day long and watch TV and feel no guilt.  I'm divorced, live along, but have great medical treatments and doctors.  I honestly I feel more mentally and emotionally challenged than physically.  The roller coaster of emotions is tough.  Hang in there - you're not along.  Kat.

Posts: 4
Joined: May 2018

I know, sorry, it's everybody's knee jerk response: "you should get counseling".  Family counseling might be awesome, but what I really think is that you need to find someone who can help you work through your feelings and help you give yourself permission to make your remaining life, however short or long it is, the life you want.  You are rightfully angry and in pain, but I think you're also struggling with guilt or obligation or codependence, or you would have been gone a long time ago.  This doesn't sound like a place you'd want to be even if you were 100% healthy ... the thought that it might be the last reality you get to have is just Horrible.  Please, please get some help in making sense of what you really want, and go for it.  please?

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