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2 Months Today

JosephK
Posts: 65
Joined: Jun 2017

My Karen took her last breath 2 months ago today (May 12th, 2017). She passed away due to Metastatic Breast Cancer spreading to her lungs. That day and vision of her still haunt me. Although it's been 2 months the emptiness and lost feelings have not subsided. I've been to counseling i.e. Grief Share, a Grief group for men and 1 on 1 counseling. It has helped but the pain of her no longer existing feels like a knife slowly slicing through my heart. She was my best friend, girlfriend, fiance, my Rock, my companion, my confidant, my lover and my world. Everyones quest in life is to find someone to love them unconditionally and she loved me unconditionally. She can and will never be replaced. I know I have to move on but I will always love her and miss her until I take my last breath. I love you Karen, for Eternity!!

GingerMay's picture
GingerMay
Posts: 130
Joined: Sep 2016

I am so sorry for your loss.  The way you write about her seems clear the love you had was real and I bet she had to have felt that.  Prayers to you.     

JosephK
Posts: 65
Joined: Jun 2017

I want to emphasize that this isn't an anniversary. Anniversaries should only be designated for happy things such as weddings and things similiar. This is more of a date of remembrance or a date of a memorial. Karen passed away 3 months ago today. 3 months of not seeing her, 3 months of not talking to her and 3 months of her no longer existing. I am now at a point where I imagine where my life would be with her if she was still here, alive and healthy. Traveling, shopping, vacations, barbeques with family, sitting around an outdoor fire or just simple date nights. What our plans for the future would of been then reality sets in and I realize I'm alone and pretty much starting over. I miss Karen everyday and I love her even more. I hope God is looking over her and taken care of her until I get back to her. I know to many thats just a fantasy and the idea of God is a way for us just to live a good, honest and moral life but in the end its just the end. Sometimes I do question the existence but my only hope now is for God to exist and to hope I will one day be reunited with Karen. There are days when I see Sunrises and Sunsets. How the clouds are formed and intermingled with a blue sky and the beauty of it. Or the beauty of a fresh layer of snow, the trees turning colors in the Fall or the beautiful formation of the Rocky Mountains. I think about how big the universe is and how it was and who created it. These things make me think that there has to be a God so I must have faith and believe that I will be reunited with her one day.  3 months has been an eternity. I don't think there has been a day that I haven't cried. Im only 52 years old. Imagining another 30 years without her is daunting and I only hope that when its my time she is the one that will be welcoming me to where she is. Wherever that shall be.

Barbara365's picture
Barbara365
Posts: 3
Joined: Aug 2017

It's been seven and a half months since my beloved Tom passed on New Year's Eve. I thought I'd be better by now.... and some days I am... but today I just cried off and on all day. He was the love of my life, I'd been with him since I was 17 years old, we were married for 45 and a half years, and imagining years ahead of me on this earth without him is SO painful. God IS carrying me, and I know I was blessed to have had someone on this earth who loved me totally and unconditionally... but that just makes it all the more painful to be here without him. I feel your pain.

Barbara365's picture
Barbara365
Posts: 3
Joined: Aug 2017

...and what you say about all the things we've lost is so true:  ESPECIALLY date nights :)  I miss my husband, best friend, and lover.... I miss the one person who knew me inside and out and always thought the best of me. No one else on this earth really KNOWS me. I always preferred his company to that of my female friends and wasn't one to go out for "girls' nights".  I HAVE to believe in God or I'd never make it. 

JosephK
Posts: 65
Joined: Jun 2017

You will make it. Tom is looking over you. He is waiting for you so you will be able to continue your journey for eternity with him. We must have faith and hope. Imagine when it's your time, that you will see him again and he will witness your first breath where he is now. And he will take your hand and you both will have tears of joy. It will be Heaven.

 

Ms Vick 76's picture
Ms Vick 76
Posts: 8
Joined: Apr 2017

JosephK, it appears I lost my father to stage IV colon cancer the day after you lost your beloved Karen. I just wanted you to know that I'll keep you in my thoughts as we mourn our loved ones and hope that peace comes to us somehow in time...

 

JosephK
Posts: 65
Joined: Jun 2017

Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. Same is coming your way as well.

Ms Vick 76's picture
Ms Vick 76
Posts: 8
Joined: Apr 2017

Just seeing how everyone is doing...

 

JosephK
Posts: 65
Joined: Jun 2017

Still processing and continuing my journey. Having faith that the journey will lead me back to her

Ms Vick 76's picture
Ms Vick 76
Posts: 8
Joined: Apr 2017

A dear friend of mind posted this about a month ago on her facebook page.  It struck me and wanted to share it.

"On grief... Shortly after my father died, I was getting a haircut and my stylist asked me how I was doing with it. I told her that I was working through it, but I was so frustrated with feeling like I'd work through a part of it... whether it be denial, anger, sadness etc... and then a few days later "wham-o!" there grief was again, looming as darkly as it did the day he died. I was angry with myself that I couldn't keep the stages moving and plow through them like I do with ...most things.

Her response was one of the most helpful I ever received on the subject. She said, speaking about the passing of her own father, "I learned that grief is not linear. It isn't just a straight line through the stages and you're done."
She was right, I bounced back and forth like a pinball and have through all of my losses since. That won't change. What did change was my patience with myself, allowing those feelings to wash over me when they came on, to notice them and really feel them. It doesn't make it not suck - nothing can or will. But when you allow those skies to open, it's like a thunderstorm on a hot summer afternoon. The sky darkens, thunder and lightning shakes the house of your mind and the downpour begins... and just like that, it's over. And if you're lucky, you see a rainbow of insight and relief after. All is calm for the moment... a respite between storms.

I'm not sure why this came to mind this morning, but I'm not gonna question it and hope that it provides someone else with the same comfort I was able to take from it."

 

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